on death... and life.

I have a zit on the tip of my nose. Not cool.

Drinking wine, thinking about eating the salad or the waffles. I want the waffles, but then I have nothing for breakfast kuz I sure as hell aint eating salad tomorrow morning. Merp.

The plan is to get up and go grocery shopping, but I have a eye doctor's appointment and it's pretty safe to assume that I won't be getting up early enough to accomplish that. I've got a container full of bath salts from the Romanian Salt Mines that will also definitely be getting used tonight.

The trip to California was bittersweet. Good to see my dad, but sad circumstances. I keep seeing the sad look on his face when we pulled out of the driveway to leave. I saw that look several times during our trip, way more often than I usually do. He held it together pretty well but we still noticed the moments of sadness.

It helped seeing her ashes on the box on the shelf. I haven't seen her in years, but it was hard to imagine her just gone. Seeing the reality made it easier to accept. Something concrete- more than just a thought. Oh, my heart still aches for my dad. If it were me I'm pretty sure I'd hug those ashes from time to time, at least until they bury them.

Parentals just got back from Romania. They had a blast, and tonight I sampled the cheese & wine they bought from peasants while listening to their stories.

I plan to make a box this weekend and place in it all of the things that would be helpful in the event I die. This past week I watched dad & her son trying to figure out how to pay bills & find out where her storage unit was, etc. It made me want to have all of these things compiled in an easy place. I don't want Chris wondering how to pay the water bill if I suddenly drop dead.

A friend of my parents has worked his whole life, saving up for the day when he can retire and buy a house with some land, fly his airplane, and have some fun. A few years back he suffered a stroke, and tonight I learned that he has slowly declined, and is currently in diapers with a full-time caregiver. They have to nail the windows shut because he keeps trying to get out and he's not of sound mind.

My mom said, you can't live your life saving up for that. You have to live while you can because you never know when it will be gone- when your health will decline, or your spouse will die, and suddenly the future changes. How fitting, that they just came back from a trip to Romania. She's taking her own advice and I'm so fucking happy that she won't have those kind of regrets.

I haven't been UNhappy, but I haven't been happy. I don't exactly love my life in that state it is in now. Since I married Chris, we've essentially been waiting for the rest of our lives to begin. Something I do believe that you should never do, yet I've been doing it for years. I suppose it's logical to assume that you will live your lives together after you marry someone, and it's been difficult to separate the social expectation from reality.

Many times I wish I'd just moved out to Hawaii with Chris in the very beginning, even though it wasn't responsible. Even back then I thought, "Fuck responsible. At least I'd be happy." But planning for the future always won. Planning for the future is nice, but it doesn't make it worth it if you drop dead tomorrow.

No, I won't be making any drastic changes. I have a great job and it's too late to make any large changes now. I suppose I've just been pissed at myself for doing the responsible thing instead of being young and spontaneous and happy. I'm sure it will pay off in the long run, or else I wouldn't have done it. I've just gotten a very large does of a different perspective lately.

Wealp. The wine is gone. Time for that bath. 

quick

Dancing around to the Hits station on TV while drinking wine and packing.

I keep getting emails from the Family Readiness Officer and I wish I could be a part of these things.

Have to remember to pay bills before I leave--- that's why I got on the computer, but then I hit the blogger button.

On towards paying bills.

foul

I've been in a foul mood.

I've tried not to think about it ever, but it's invaded my subconscious and sat there quietly. Even though he's no longer in a war zone, I still feel like it's in the back of every military wife's mind. It's not like he sits at a computer in an office all day- he plays with explosives and guns and God knows what. Training accidents, while rare, have happened. All I'm saying is, considering the line of work Chris does, it would be unrealistic to say that the unspeakable could never happen.

Suddenly, my dad is experiencing what has been my ultimate biggest fear for several years. I think my dad's situation has hit me more profoundly than expected because of that. I feel so strange at how easy it is to put myself in my dad's shoes right now. And think about all the crazy pain he's feeling.
Not to mention, when you hear of such horrible news, especially when it happens to someone so close, you want to go home and cuddle the ones you love. My inability to do so, compounded with the fact that it's been nearly 6 months without so much as a fingertip graze, is wearing on me.

I also feel guilty, even though I know I shouldn't be. I've feared this type of thing for so long, yet my husband is alive and well and calling me a toot in facebook messages and sending me random flowers. In a way, in the background of my mind, I've somewhat mentally prepared myself for such a tragedy. Even Chris has filed funeral arrangements, insurance information, and goodbye letters with the military, in the event that such a thing would happen. My dad had none of that. He had absolutely no reason to suspect that this might happen to her, to him.

It makes me scared that this emptiness I've felt for so long might never get to be filled. I have nothing except looking forward to the day when I get to finally feel happy and whole. I feel so weary from the waiting.

All of these feels have suddenly piled up on top of the long-developed weariness, and it's impossible to conceal. I need to be able to go home after a long stressful day, especially after a family member dies, and hug my husband. I need my rock here. I'm physically and emotionally tired of being my own rock.

It's rough. Rougher than I should probably let it be. It's not about me, however it affects me, and I have to continue to be strong and it's exhausting.

I know that I joke about how the stench would be great, but if something happened to him, I would just shut. down. I would never be the same person. Same goes for my siblings. They're just too important; they make me who I am.

You know, even though none of you will probably understand this, writing this out made me feel a bit better. Yay blog. And wine.

suddenly

I am drained. Everything was going fine, then yesterday morning I got a phone call from my dad. He never calls in the morning, so I knew something must be wrong. Then he hit me with the worst news: His long-time girlfriend had a brain aneurysm. She had a headache and went to lie down, and in the snap of a finger she was gone. They took her off life support after a second opinion confirmed that there was no brain activity, and she died shortly afterwards.

I just can't even. No warning. One minute they were hanging out on the porch joking around, the next she was gone. It's like their lives together came to a screeching halt, hit a brick wall. She's not ever coming back and there was absolutely no warning.

I'm very sad that she's gone. I liked her. She was a nice lady and she made my dad happy. I just can't wrap my head around the idea that she's dead and that my dad feels something horrible beyond words.

Naturally, he's devastated but trying to hold it together. It tears me apart hearing his tone, the pain in his voice. Can you imagine the panic, the desperation that he felt when he couldn't wake her up, or when the doctor told him the news, or when he left her side in the hospital, knowing he would never look at her again?

I've never heard him sound this way before, not even when Grandpa died. Every instinct I have tells me to run to him and give him a hug. I can't stand that we live so far apart.

I've been crabby and distracted since I got the news and I just won't feel right until I can see him. He said it makes him feel better to know that Ashley and I are going to come visit- I have the urge to drop everything and fly out there asap and do everything I can to make him feel better. But I have responsibilities and he wants us to wait a few days until he gets everything taken care of. My heart hurts so bad for him.

This is my favorite picture of them, taken 6 years ago during one of our visits. They look so happy. That was a really fun trip. Now these memories are suddenly bittersweet.

Rest in Peace, Susan.

laundry & health

It has occurred to me that if I don't remove the clothes from the dryer right away... nothing happens. Nobody else will take them out and stuff them in a basket so they can dry their own clothes. No one yells at the top of their lungs, "Whose clothes are these??" No one says, "Hey are you almost done with your laundry kuz I need to do some," right as I throw a load in. I don't have to check with anyone before I throw a load in. And, most importantly, if I leave the towels in the dryer for a few days, it's OKAY. They'll be there, just as I left them. This realization could be a catalyst for laziness, but for now I'm just enjoying not folding my towels and letting them hang out in the dryer. I can't believe it took me this long to figure that out!

Caught this on my sister's tumblr:

I wasn’t healthy at all, but because I’d lost weight, people automatically assumed I was. When I told them that I’d lost weight due to chronic illness, some people would say “Oh well, at least you look good,” while others even went so far as to say, “I wish I had IBS, I’d kill to lose weight that fast!” (I wouldn’t wish IBS on my worst enemy!!) It opened my eyes to exactly how much people judge health based on appearance rather than on physical and mental well-being.

She puts it into words better than I can. It's what I think when people tell me I'm thin because I can't eat gluten. Drives me crazy. Simply put, if I ate gluten I'd be even thinner- I'd be slowly starved and suffer all of the symptoms of malnourishment, plus the added pain and discomfort and digestive upset.
Physical and mental well-being (and, for me, lack of stomach jiggling when I jog) for the win!  OH, OH. I forgot. When we ran those tests at work a couple weeks ago, I was able to check out my red cell indices. Guys, my H&H were all the way up in the dude range. It took 6 years, but I'm finally firmly back to where healthy people are. It makes me feel physically stronger just thinking about it. Also I don't feel reluctance to give blood anymore, now that I'm on the high side of normal.

Drinking the wine that Ashley opened up Saturday. I don't know how you got that cork out, but there are tiny cork pieces everywhere. And there were also tiny cork shards all over the counter. Drunk Ashley, what did you do??

P.S. I hate reality tv. It's practically on every damn channel. Give me a nice scripted sitcom and I'm happy. Or a documentary. Or a show about ancient aliens. Or cartoons. Something with a plot, a storyline, and maybe actors!

P.P.S. I saw Pitch Perfect this weekend and loved it-- minus the upchuck, which was so ridiculous it wasn't even that gross. But still.

quick yap.

There is a person at work who talks so much, he must waste so much time. Not like at work; I don't really care how much time he wastes at work. I mean like, in life. I imagine that everything in his life must take twice as long because he talks so much. It's not as if he talks a lot about a lot of different things. That would be tolerable. This guy takes a topic and makes it die a slow, painful death. Make your point and move on already, dude. I usually just start doing other things or walk out of the room. But the thing that really got me was thinking about how much time this guy wastes yapping. It's gotta be a crazy amount.

The other day, I jogged a few feet to do something or something, and my boobs weren't the only thing jiggling. My STOMACH was! Horror of horrors, I'm feeling more & more motivated to work out.

morning's

Ashley's still sleeping so I suppose I'll blog. She does not get uninterrupted sleep very often nowadays. We stayed up until 3 am drinking wine on the back porch (Calvin was at Grandma's) but for some reason I woke up wide awake at 9am. Then the cat started in being all annoying. I see a nap in my future today, especially since I spent most of yesterday painting little girls' rooms at Jessica's.

It seems like Mother's Day is really big on fb this year. Were there that many post's about it last year? Or does it just seem that way because I check fb more often now that I have my smart phone?

These are apple pie's. No way.

I'm out of egg's so breakfast will probably be happening at mom's today. Or we could just eat cereal. But I'm really not in the mood for cereal.

People are pinning swimsuit's. Trying not to think about bathing suit season. Ergh. Maybe it's time to start toning up. Merrrhhhh.


41 freaking DAY'S. But who's counting?

P.S. How ANNOYING was it to see all those plurals with apostrophes?? Did you twitch a little bit every time you saw one? Or did you even notice? Occasional goofs aside, I would love to wipe bad grammar from the internet, especially basic rule violations like that, and ESPECIALLY when you have a sponsored, "professional" blog and you spew thing's like that all the time.
It's margaritas! Not margarita's!
Rant over, for now...

lawn saga

The lawn guy saga... continues.

I thought maybe it was over. But then Monday I pulled up into my driveway and when I got out of my car, I noticed that the lawn was mowed. Except my lawn guy comes on Wednesday. There was a guy in a truck waiting for me. He was all, "Hey your neighbor and I just mowed your lawn." And I was all, "Oh, really? Do I owe you anything?" And he was all, "No, we were mowing his lawn and he just said he always mows your lawn so we did it." And I said, "Well my lawn guy will be surprised! Thanks, I'll have to go over and talk to him."

Wednesday I got a phone call from my lawn guy this is what he said:
I pulled up to your house and started to mow your front lawn, and your neighbor in the two-story house came outside giving me attitude. He pointed to his property line and told me not to mow over it, and also told me mow your grass the same height as his. Then he stood there and watched us for about 5 minutes while we mowed your grass. That's another thing- it always looks like it's been recently mowed. Is someone else mowing your grass?

I apologized and told him that my one neighbor has been mowing it for no reason, and the other one is apparently a mean lawn Nazi. My poor lawn guy was getting yelled at by one neighbor for something that my other neighbor did. You can't make this shit up.

That night I got home and as soon as I was sitting down to eat dinner, the doorbell rang. One guess who it was.

It was my lawn-mowing neighbor and his friend. They said they had some extra fertilizer and wanted to know if I'd like my grass/ flowerbed fertilized. I didn't want to be rude and had no good reason to turn it down, so I said sure. They said it would need to be watered, so I went around back and dragged the hose to the side of the house. We stood around and chatted for a minute. The opportunity came up, so I mentioned my Marine husband.

Then they said that they needed some kind of tool to remove the soaker hose from the spigot to attach the real hose, and went inside. I put some stuff away, and went back outside to help, but they hadn't come out yet. I kinda hung out and waited to see if they'd come over, but they never did. Even in the morning, the hose was unconnected laying across the driveway.

Then it dawned on me: They found out I wasn't single and dropped me like a hot potato!

No more free lawn work, I guess. I'm glad because that was getting to be a really awkward situation. I had no idea how to tell my neighbor that he was so nice, but please don't mow my lawn anymore.

I never thought getting my damn grass mowed would be such an ordeal!

kitty weekend

There is a lot of kitty in this post. She was just around and looking cute a lot this weekend. I think she misses the constant stream of people at mom's house.

Internet has been going in & out every few minutes all weekend and it's pissing me off. I can't even finish a task before it craps out. Thank goodness for smart phones so I can get my social media fix while I'm sitting about.

Work is about to explode with busy. There's so much to be done before we can go live with these new glucose meters. I'm just praying I can get as much done as possible before Chris comes home so I don't have to stress about taking time off.

Saturday was filled with trips to the emergency center because Calvin woke up with a gnarly eye infection, and family drama.

I'm starting to really understand Chris' point of view when it comes to his mom. For the longest time I didn't get it, but now I do.

Also this weekend I sewed new covers for the ugly old cushions on the back porch.  Pumpkin helped.

I started the day cleaning out the gutters in my PJs. I just lugged the ladder through the house and put on some gardening gloves. Only a couple major clogs. I cleaned up the back porch and put out the new cushions. It looks nice. Pumpkin approves the final product.

Then I ran some errands with mom and we hung out on her back porch & sat in the sun and made frozen mai tais. They were delicious. This weather is simply glorious. I'm thrilled to have such beautiful days when it should be muggy and hot already. My electricity bill is thrilled as well.

Now to complete the rest of my Sunday chores.  And text my husband sexy things. Apparently Pumpkin is feeling sexy too.

gutters & steak

Aw man.

I just remembered that my gutters need to be cleaned out and it's supposed to rain tomorrow.

But I've already drank like three glasses of wine so getting on the ladder is probably not the best idea.

So I suppose I'll just sit here and blog about it.

P.S. I made steak & cheesy potatoes tonight. Chris has no idea how good he's going to have it. And there was only one pan fire. Details.

As a result I had to open the doors & turn off the AC, and now a june bug just flew in and is going all crazy over the tv.