Yin

Although my emotional state has been pretty steady lately (in part due to the many encouragements sent my way ♥), I've been feeling a little off and lost.
Since they tend to clear my head, I figured a yoga class would help. The only class offered on Sundays is called Soulful Sunday Yoga. Sure, why not?

This class was a little different than what I'm used to.

Today was a large class; about 8 people, plus the instructor. There was chatting amongst the group beforehand, and several folks have a lot going on. Moving across the country, starting new jobs, life changes, etc.

So the instructor focused on the community in the room, specifically. She told us to visualize inhaling positive energy and strength from the rest of the group, and exhaling doubts and fears so that the group would take a little bit of that energy and dissipate it. Kinda hippie, but right now I welcome anything- different ideas help direct my focus.

The poses themselves were interesting and thoughtful. With this type of yoga, each pose is designed to be uncomfortable at first, but it's held for 3-5 minutes, and after a little while you end up stretching into it. I moved in ways I never have before. There were several areas where my muscles felt very tight; I know I carry my stress in my lower back and hips. By the end of each pose I felt more flexible, and like the tension in that area had slowly melted away. A fascinating combination of the mental and physical.

So after the hour of yin, now it's laundry and the usual Sunday stuff. The weather has brought rain and that unique gulf coast combination of humid, cool air.

It's a new day and even through my struggles I'm remembering to count my blessings.

dietary things

Feeling a little funky tonight. Belly is unsettled.
Due to traveling and dental work, my diet has been all over the place.

For the past few months I've found that when I limit my dairy and carb/sugar intake, I feel better. Less bloated, fewer bouts of indigestion.

Well, carbs and dairy have made their way into my diet a WHOLE lot lately, because they are easy to find when traveling, but more importantly because they're soft. Temporary crowns on both sides means chewing isn't really encouraged. Especially not on the left side, because that one's already cracked. Plus it's sore from the recent work.

So the occasional snack of yogurt and mashed potatoes on the side have become the main courses, while carrots and hummus seem like a distant memory. I haven't eaten a salad in weeks. My body needs one. I've been trying to sneak in veggies by making cauliflower rice bowls, veggie soup, and steamed broccoli, but it's not enough. Belly doth protest. There's something about raw, crunchy veggies that my body likes.

Only another week and the real crowns will be put on and I can hopefully enjoy crunchy things again.

I never thought I'd complain about not being able to eat a salad.

cat nanny

It's official. I hired someone to hang out with Pumpkin so she's not so lonely when I travel. My cat lady status has just been elevated.

This is not a complete stranger... apparently my nephews' babysitter doesn't mind house/cat sitting. I figure if she can keep those two kids alive and everyone's happy she's gotta be credible. I'm hoping that eventually I can also hire her to clean because I hear she does that too.

Okay. To be completely honest, my neighbor watches the house when I'm gone. And nobody can clean as well as I can. So really this is mostly about the cat, and throwing a few extra bucks to the sweet girl who watches my nephews while my sister and I go to the bar.

But really. Lately when I travel, I come home to a frantic attention-deprived cat who meows at top volume non-stop until I pick her up and literally carry her around for about a half hour.
Remember, this is the neediest cat in existence and apparently leaving her alone for a week (minus visits from the neighbor who fills the food bowl) is not okay. I feel bad because Pumpkin is sweet and old and really just wants to sit next to you on the couch and get a few pets. So now I pay a chick 40 bucks a night to do that.

And you know what? I don't come home to a frantic, attention-deprived cat. My conscience feels better, so it's completely worth it.

Now, can I also come home to clean windows and floors and maybe a clean shower? We'll find out.

check

Last root canal is COMPLETE!

I finally got the right drug to make the experience bearable. (triazolam, on an empty stomach)

It was awesome; I could have cared LESS what they did. In fact, now I barely even remember it. My kind of dental appointment.

I can't chew for the next week because now I have a temporary crown on both sides, but I'm so happy that the hard part is done. Plus I'm done spending a ton of money on my mouth for the immediate future.

I'm looking forward to this weekend. I've got two new magazines, a brand new rocks box, and it's momma's birthday. I'm hoping for a good balance of relaxation and socializing.

gentle rebellion, long overdue

Oh, God. I forgot about Valentine's day. I usually ignore this day. Even when I'm in a happy relationship.

But today was kinda hard.

I've been struggling emotionally lately.

Because.
Because,
Because...

I've been slowly starting to admit that my marriage is over and it's time to accept that.

Hey, I'm allowed to take my time. It's a really big decision. And a really big idea to wrap my head around.

I had to try everything before I officially gave up.

Well... I've got nothing left.

I want to be happily married but the universe (and my husband) has been declaring that is a big fat NO. After years of fighting it, I am finally starting to agree with the universe (and my husband).

So today, I focus on the fact that I have plenty of people to love.
Most importantly, myself. (and the trifecta, and momma, and andrea, and dayna, and the crabby cat, and...)

I've been so beaten down by the slow decline of my marriage over the past few years, and my self-esteem has absolutely tanked.

I'm old, I'm ugly, I'm stupid, I'm unlovable. My boobs are saggy, I'm getting grey hairs and age spots, my teeth are crooked. Nobody will see me as attractive.

The negative thoughts latch onto my brain and my heart.

I'm fighting them, but it's difficult to confront your irrational fears and tell them no. It's been super hard lately to look at myself and see anything besides someone who has been rejected by the person I love and built a life with.

My husband gave up on me, long before I was forced to give up on him, and sometimes that thought is blinding and sucks the air out of my lungs.

But, I keep reminding myself that I am not defined by that.
I get to choose positive thoughts, even while being overwhelmed by negativity. Things happen for a reason, sometimes a really good reason. Some days that's easier to understand than others.

Anyway. Today, after being slapped in the face from every direction by happy schmoop (which, by the way, I applaud. I'm not so bitter that I can't celebrate the happiness of others), I closed my social media apps and headed to yoga.
To a wonderful teacher who helped my hips point towards the ceiling in my downward facing dog, who made us break out in an unexpected sweat, who directed our focus for an hour, and who reminded us that we are enough, just the way we are.

This particular path in my life has been, and will be, incredibly hard, but I have constant reminders that I am strong and beautiful no matter what comes my way and I will cling to those reminders like my life depends on it.

Because, if you think about it, it kinda does.

relapse

I am very proud to say that I haven't had chips and wine for dinner in a longgg, long time.

Well, not including tonight.

I really don't know what happened. I wasn't drunk, or hungry, or mad, or sad, or anything in particular. I don't think it was emotional eating.

I could blame it on the leftover nacho cheese from Galentine's day. That was probably it, but whatever it was, I couldn't help myself.

Even as I stood there in the kitchen shoving chips in my mouth, I was thinking, "This is bad. Why am I doing this?"

It was like a compulsion that I could not control. Slightly scary, actually.

I think it's best to throw away all the junk food leftover from the party and start meal planning again.

Trash can love

Pictured: $5 Walmart trashcan and recycle bin. (That tells you how old it is because I haven't shopped at Walmart in years)

Besides being unsightly, the trash can finally cracked along the rim enough to make changing the bag super annoying. Plus the recycling bin filled up so fast that I was always piling things on the stepstool next to it... because I'm too lazy to empty it every few days.

So I started looking for a new trash can. I ordered it from Wayfair, which is fast becoming my new obsession. (I mean, look at these.)

This baby arrived 3 days before I expected, with a big clunk on the porch, and I was SO EXCITED to open it. Look, ooooohhhh.

I love this thing.
Yeah it's a little massive and industrial, but it replaces both the trash can AND the recycle bin. The inside has 2 separate bins that lift out. I'm in love with that feature. I haven't had to empty the recycle bin all week, woo!

Also some trash cans with that step-lid mechanism feel flimsy because the whole thing wobbles when you open it. Not this one. It feels sturdy.

A big source of visual clutter, simplified.

The only adjustment is that now that it has a lid, I have to break myself of the habit of flinging things towards the trash can like it's a basketball hoop.