Today is one of those days where I'm trying really hard not to be cranky.
I don't WANT to be in a bad mood, but things keep pushing me that way. Every task I've tried to complete has ended up being frustrating or not going right. It's really annoying!
Trying to reset and get into a better mood.
Maybe I'll go find something random to deep clean.
I've spent a lot of time lately evaluating my emotions when it comes to this relationship with FG.
I've had some dreams lately where FG is suddenly mean to me, and I'm crushed because that means I have to end our relationship and pack up all my stuff (AGAIN) and move, and start my life over alone. Because I'd rather be alone than mistreated (Duh. Took me long enough to figure that one out). In my dreams ultimately I'm happy and okay on my own.
This is obviously my subconscious dealing with the massive pain from Chris and how I'm evolving into another type of committed relationship. It didn't go so well the last time and my brain is like, "Hey, we're going to think about this stuff."
Sometimes I still feel sad that my marriage went to shit, because I loved him like wow and I still can't really figure out what went wrong. As FG says, "You can't make sense of crazy" and that's often where I leave everything because there's no other explanation.
In the meantime, there have been several times where something has happened- I made a mistake or broke something or made a teasing comment, and I braced myself, waiting for FG to call me stupid, or mock me, or get mad, or stop talking to me, or withhold affection.
But that never happens. It turns out, most of my concerns about living with FG were based on my experience living with Chris, and I'm realizing now that maybe my only experience with living with a man was terribly skewed in an emotionally fucked up direction and that's NOT how life has to be.
I'm learning that not only can cohabitation be peaceful, it can be downright wonderful.
A few examples:
When I clean something, instead of asking me why I'm such a clean-freak spazz in a condescending way, FG THANKS ME for cleaning and tells me how nice it looks when I'm done.
On those days when FG gets up before me, a hot cup of coffee appears on my nightstand in-between snoozes. And the cat gets fed. Sometimes, the litter box even gets scooped.
Every single day, no exaggeration, he tells me that he appreciates me. Every meal I cook, I get thanked. Every time I leave the house, he tells me I look pretty. If he goes for a solo walk on the beach on vacation while I sleep in, he draws our names in the sand with a heart and takes a picture to put on social media. If he starts to power wash the driveway, this happens:
After years of going through phases of kinda cutting out dairy (literally, a quick search of blog posts mentioning it goes back to 2008), this year I meant business. I don't remember exactly when I made the decision, but I'm pretty sure it was last summer when I noticed that my skin cleared up during a whole 30 and I started connecting "random" digestive flare-ups to dairy consumption.
I was tired of feeling sick, and I was ready. I said goodbye to my beloved cheese dip and added another thing to look out for when I read food labels.
It's been a little over a year. I'm not as strict about it as I am about gluten, for obvious reasons, but if I stop to think about how sick I'm going to feel if I eat butter or cheese or ice cream, I don't want to eat it anymore.
My stomach has felt WAY better, my skin has been calm, and now I have some seriously exciting news...
My lab results came back and my lipids are normal. NORMAL? Normal!
What?! My lipids haven't been normal since I was 18. THIS IS SIGNIFICANT.
Cholesterol and LDL dropped 60 points each, back into the healthy range, triglycerides are under 100, and the only thing I did was cut out dairy. After being concerned about my lipids for years, I'm absolutely floored and ecstatic.
Also, my calcium level is just fine. I'm sure my daily dark leafy greens help with that. :)
