old trauma

One thing that I did not expect to be recovering from after hip surgery is really old trauma. Like, the emotional kind.

The last time I had surgery, I was left to fend for myself for most of the recovery. The day of surgery, Chris brought me home and left to go rock climbing. I figured he would be gone for a couple of hours while I napped. But when I woke up that evening, he hadn't returned and I was in a lot of pain. I called him a few times, and he didn't answer. So I got dressed and went to the pharmacy to pick up the pain pills myself. I remember standing in line for a long time, in pain, woozy from the residual anesthesia. By the time he finally called me back and eventually made it home, I had already taken care of myself.  

He was also working out of town the following week(s) so my mom and sister and a friend stopped by to check on me. Even when he was home, I would hesitate to ask him for help because any favors would always come back as something I owed him.

So since the surgery (and honestly for a very very long time) I would do things myself that would be easier if I asked for help. There have been MANY times these past few weeks (and for a very very long time) where FH has said to me, "You should have asked me to help you with that" and I resisted. 

Why? 

I stopped to think about it. 

These past few weeks I have been struggling with the fact that I need someone to take care of me. That I have to rely on someone. Because yes help is nice, but as a rule I always make sure that I can be self-reliant in the event that I have to be. Because in the past I found myself in that situation many times. Being in a relationship with someone I couldn't rely on hard-wired something in my brain and changed my default mode to hyper-independence.

I didn't ask for help because preserving my independence is a safety net, and I don't want him to start "keeping score" and tallying up favors against me. I even said that out loud in conversation and as soon as I said it, I realized how crazy that sounded. He calmly responded that he wouldn't do that, and it's true.

And that realization punched me. Oh my GOD, y'all.

I suppose after you've been let down over and over again you develop coping mechanisms that stay in place until they're brought to your attention and you change them. I have been carrying this coping mechanism around for almost a decade. 

When you compare the two situations, the differences are stark and it's opening my eyes. I didn't have to ask FH to take off work to drive me to doctor's appointments and physical therapy. He just does it. Leaving me after surgery would never be an option, same as going out of town while I'm recovering. It just makes sense that you don't do that. Which I'm just now evaluating. I didn't think much of it at the time, but looking back, who does that??

Today's lesson: I need to accept that I have a supportive partner who WANTS to help me, it's okay to be taken care of, and there won't be any retaliation for accepting help.

2 week hip update

Hello there. Today I had my first follow up appointment. I wasn't sure what to expect, mostly because no one told me what to expect, haha.

FH took me to the appointment, the wonderful caregiver that he is. 

Things to note:

We dropped off the CPM machine. So glad to see that thing leave my living room.

Stitches got taken out and I don't have to put fresh bandaids on them every night any more. Happy about that because the adhesive was really starting to irritate my skin.

They told me that I can SLOWLY start putting weight on my right side now. I did not expect that so soon and it made me so happy! Still have to wear the brace if I'm going to be doing a lot of moving around, to make sure I'm not twisting or anything. And have to make sure I don't bend past 90 degrees, which still means no bending over at the waist. BUT I can start trying to walk again! I was THRILLED to hear that! They basically said let the pain be the guide. If it hurts, take it back a notch. 

Driving won't be allowed until I'm fully walking with no pain. That might take a while. 

I can stop taking the pain meds and only need to keep taking aspirin until I'm fully walking, to prevent clots.

They took Xrays and compared side by side before and after and you can really see a difference in the shape of the bone. It looks nice!

Then the doctor showed us pictures of the procedure- inside the joint. Again, I was not expecting that. The first picture was all angry and red and torn up and messy looking. Then he showed pictures of the sutures to repair the tear, and re-shaping the bone. The last picture was the joint all cleaned up and pretty looking. That's wild!

Doc also said that he doesn't expect me to be back at work until the end of June- a couple of weeks longer than what we originally thought. He said I could go back but because much of my job is driving, traveling, walking, and standing, that I'd probably be in a lot of pain. So he wanted to give me a few more weeks to recover. He said, "You don't want to go back to soon and mess this up." So, okay. 

I have another follow up in a month.

crocheting useful things

Look what I made while I was strapped to the CPM machine one day! I tried a new stitch, called lattice stitch. Very pretty and I like the open weave.

What on earth is it though? An exfoliating bath mitt made with the scrubby yarn and a #4 mercerized cotton yarn worked together.

I have not used it yet, but I'm confident that this sucker will take off bug spray, dirt, grime, sunscreen, sweat no problem.... and probably the top layer of your skin. One thing's for sure, you will be clean after using this.

Now I need to make one that's not so intense. Maybe only work in the scrubby yarn in every other row.

Things I'm loving, post-surgical edition

1. Shower chair. Would literally be impossible to shower without it. Plus it's HSA eligible.

2. Foot scrubber. Not being able to bend over means not being able to reach my feet. This thing is like a car wash for your feet. It's so fun and works so well that I'm going to keep using it after I'm recovered.

3. Walker (& cup holder). We borrowed a walker from MAH, and I wish we would have thought of this before. It's WAY easier to get around the house in this than scooting around in my office chair. Plus there is storage beneath the seat. Moving around (and carrying drinks) just got a lot easier.

4. Fanny pack. I've had this for years and usually only use it when I'm hiking, but it has been essential for carrying things with me when I'm on crutches. I'm going to need to throw it in the laundry because I keep spilling food on it. 

5. Baby wipes. I only used them to "bathe" in the 48 hours after surgery before I was allowed to shower. They do a pretty good job. I have also used them a lot to wipe off the patio furniture (dust, pollen, bird poo) and scrub food spills off of my fanny pack...

6. Clorox wipes. Infection control is SO important. 

7. Resistance bands. The only reason why my foot is not blue. 

I debated getting a grabbing tool, because if I drop something it stays there until FH picks it up for me, and it would probably make it easier to get dressed. The only reason why I didn't get one is because I don't want to have to carry it around. It's only good if it's within arm's reach. 

hip things

Day 6 post-op. I really miss walking.

Currently on the couch shackled to the cpm machine for the countless hour. Supposed to do 6 hours every day. It's a full-time job.

Texas Orthopedic Hospital was fantastic. From admitting to discharge, every single person was wonderful. I had a great care team. 

The procedure itself went fine. I was scheduled as the first procedure of the day, which was great since I didn't have to fast all day. They got me into preop, hooked me up, and gave me a nerve block. Don't remember much from there. I DO remember being in the OR and I asked them if they listened to music and they said, yes, and I asked what kind, and they said Justin Bieber and Taylor Swift. LOL.

Y'all they do NOT mess around with drugs there. I had every drug under the sun. Tylenol, morphine, fentanyl, muscle relaxers, I don't even KNOW what else. I was SO HIGH. Not in pain, though.

One of my main concerns about the procedure was controlling the nausea. Last time I had a procedure, I battled it for days and wasn't able to get any drugs to help because it was over the weekend. 

So they gave me like 4 different anti-nausea drugs. I still felt sick, but as long as I remained motionless I was okay. It wasn't until they made me get up and use the bathroom that I felt really dizzy and got a wave of nausea. In a matter of seconds, I was given a barf bag, a cool towel on my neck, some water, and an alcohol pad was held under my nose. <--- now that's a great trick. Not that I would have been able to really puke because my stomach was empty except for water and pills, but it passed.

Once we got home, I was able to climb the stairs no problem. I'd been practicing for weeks and I'm SO glad because as loopy as I was, muscle memory was key there. The rest of the day was spent lying on the couch, trying (unsuccessfully) to eat something, and sleep. I knew I probably wouldn't be able to eat until the anesthesia was out of my system, so that wasn't a surprise. I went 36 hours without eating. Applesauce was the first thing I could get down.

The day after surgery, I had physical therapy. They want you to start moving right away. The exercises are very small right now. You gotta move, but in the right ways- no bending past 90 degrees, can't smush the grape (or put more than 20lbs of weight on that leg), and you can't sit still for more than 30 minutes at a time. Plus 6 hours on that machine and ice packs every 2 hours.

The meds: 4 different kinds of pain pills. I didn't have to take the narcotics, which is great for the nausea and constipation, but the NSAID is a pretty high dose. Even if the pain isn't bad you still gotta take it because it helps control abnormal bone growth. They give you omeprazole to help with the stomach upset, plus you're taking a low dose aspirin to help prevent blood clots. So many pills. But, surprisingly, no antibiotics. Apparently the guidelines changed in 2023 and I love that. The appetite comes and goes so I have to force myself to eat something when it's time to take meds so they don't tear up my stomach. Trying not to take the zofran because I don't want to add to the constipation.

One thing that I didn't expect: They gave me a scopolamine patch to help with the nausea, and damn that stuff is strong. I'm sure it helped, but they said to keep it on for 3 days and on the second day the side effects were so bad that I took it off early. It gave me horrible dry mouth (which probably helped keep me hydrated because I was drinking water like crazy), made me dizzy (which kind of counteracted the whole purpose and made it harder to use crutches), and blurred my vision (which was fucking weird). The dry mouth and dizziness lasted for a couple of days after removing the patch, and my vision is still a little blurred up close but it's improving. That drug is wild.

I figured out pretty quickly that using crutches is hard. You can't carry anything with you, so I busted out an old fanny pack and keep it strapped on all the time. Plus it takes a TON of energy. Fortunately my office chair has wheels so I've been scooting around the house on that most of the time. Still, energy levels get depleted surprisingly fast and everything takes way more effort. I made myself breakfast the other day and nearly passed out before I realized I was getting tired. I suppose when you think about it, your body is putting a lot of energy into healing so simple tasks like taking a shower are exhausting.

I'm trying to be as independent as possible, because that's just the way I am, but thank GOD for FH. There is no way that I could be alone and take care of myself right now. At this point I've figured out how to do basic things, but in the beginning I was useless and my energy level still tanks at random times and I need help. I hate having to depend on someone else to care for me, but that's the way it is right now. I feel very lucky.

Let's see what else. I'm sleeping in the brace because it prevents me from rolling over on that side. There are 4 little incisions stitched up on my leg. I have a stack of magazines and books saved up to keep me sane during the cpm sessions. I can get myself on the back porch for some fresh air, but FH won't let me go up or down the stairs by myself. I try to go down with him in the evenings to say hi to the chickens and get a change of scenery. FH is taking over chicken duties and he's not thrilled but we don't really have a choice haha. He's also been taking me to my appointments because obviously driving myself is not an option. We are having the maid come weekly for now, because damn the house gets dirty fast when you can't maintain.

I noticed my foot was turning blue, probably from not using that leg and keeping it elevated in the cpm machine 6 hours every day. Flexing/pointing wasn't really helping, so I added a resistance band and that seemed to help out a lot. 

The first week is probably the hardest, right? Uphill every day.

Things I'm loving lately

Things I'm loving lately:

Scented trash bags. For some reason I have always been AGAINST scented trash bags. Maybe because I thought they'd be like air freshener- which never works and only makes it smell like ocean breeze + farts or fish or whatever you're trying to cover up. But we accidentally bought a huge box and it turns out, scented trash bags are nice! You get a whiff of smell-good-ness every time it's opened, unless the trash is funky and then all you smell is funky trash can. I have officially switched teams and now I buy scented trash bags on purpose.

Supplements: Ginger first thing in the morning, Fish Oil daily for the eyes and heart, a thyroid blend and a hormone support blend just for now to boost those areas, twice a week, Vitamin D 3 times a week for the bones and respiratory system, a B12/Folate in the afternoon, maybe with a Nitric Oxide Booster if I'm feeling particularly sluggish (that will get you through a workout), and a Magnesium Glycinate at night. I've been throwing everything I have right now at my health and energy levels, but I've stopped everything for now until after surgery because surprisingly, some of those supplements can interfere with proper blood clotting and anesthesia. 

Hinge physical therapy app. My back and knee have been flaring up, probably because of the increased activity lately, and this popped up in my inbox for free as part of the benefits package from work. So, I signed up and learned a few exercises that target those areas to strengthen them. I've also gotten some resistance bands and some kind of electrotherapy device for free after completing a certain number of exercises. Pretty cool.

The bathtub. That's definitely one of the best ideas I've ever had. I love that thing. Have I blogged about the tub? I don't think so. Maybe one day.

Tractor Supply Pelletized Bedding (for Horses). After several days of rain, a generous sprinkling of those pellets transforms a muddy, smelly chicken run into something... less muddy and smelly. Those things are magic. The soggy chickens, however, remain soggy.

Veggie straws. Dude, what are chips? I haven't even wanted a chip in months. I don't know how but veggie straws have dominated my snack preferences.

These tiny little clips. I bought them for sewing and they're a pretty great replacement for pins, but they come in a pack of 100 and that's way too many so I've been using them as chip clips and other things and they're just so cute and handy.

pots and pans organizer

Look what I made! I'm so proud of myself. This thing is STURDY. 

The previous setup was not the worst situation, but it was not ideal. 

Things got cattywampus pretty quickly, pretty often. 

I believe that if you interact with something daily, it needs to function optimally. And if you need to make an investment to make that happen, it's worth it. For someone who cooks at least 2 meals every day, I needed something better.

So I started to research pots & pan organizers, and those flimsy wire contraptions were NOT going to cut it.

I remember that my grandma had some sort of custom built-in similar to this in her kitchen, and even as a child I thought that was really cool.

Since I couldn't find anything pre-made in the size, quality, or price that I wanted, that meant it's project time. 

I drew up the dimensions, pulled out some scrap plywood & leftover paint, and went to town. FH did a few drive bys to see how I was doing (I know it drove him nuts not to help). I had to have him show me how to use the nail gun, but otherwise I did it all by myself.

Look how good it is! Nothing is wobbly, everything has a place. *wolf whistle* Hubba hubba.

Plus apparently I have space to buy 2 more pans.