week 4 ish

What day is it again? Oh yeah, it's June. Damn, May went by so fast and so slow.

It's been over a month since surgery. Walking without a crutch was slow and awkward at first, but gradually I was walking without pain and with a slight limp. I was doing great until The Incident involving big roaches in a paper towel roll and I ran before my I knew what was happening. Not something you want to do on a healing hip. It set me back progress-wise about 2 days, which wasn't so bad in the long run but man it sucked.

At this point I'm mostly pain free, but still feel the joint get pinchy if I do too much, and am icing all the time to stay ahead of inflammation. I'm done taking all the drugs (YAY now maybe my stomach will calm down), and I'm ready to start trying to drive. I need to see how much strength and stamina I have so I can start to measure progress. I'd like to go on walks to measure how fast I get tired but I don't really have anywhere to do that safely. 

I still wear the brace if I'm in the yard, since grass and hills are surprisingly difficult to walk on, and I also wear it if I'll be doing bending, like weeding the garden. It's uncomfortable and HOT, but keeps me from bending too far. I think it will be a while until I can bend past 90 degrees. 

Ironically, I'm in a lot of pain but not my hip. My arm hurts from crocheting too much. It seems like I developed forearm tendonitis from crocheting for hours every day. Go figure. So now I need to find some other way to pass the time.

3 week update

All right, it's been 3 weeks since surgery. Technically the halfway point of the projected recovery timeline but I definitely do not feel halfway healed. 

I've been walking on 1 crutch for the last week. (I still crack up when I think of myself as tiny tim)

Physical therapy has been awesome. I didn't know how to safely transition to 1 crutch, so they had me slowly start shifting weight back and forth onto the right leg, and over the course of about 15 minutes I was able to do it. It's not something you want to try at home. It's honestly a little scary because your brain at that point is so used to not putting weight on it, and you're not confident that it will even hold. Even now, the joint feels weak and if I move too big or twist the joint, I get a nice stabbing pain to remind me not to do that. The brace, while uncomfortable, is actually really helpful because it restricts your movement for you.

Starting tomorrow, I can start to try walking without a crutch. This time I won't have a physical therapist to show me (my next appointment is in a week), but basically you use the crutch more for balance instead of weight bearing. Again, that will be a slow process building strength (and confidence). My gait is still forced and the steps are still very careful and calculated. I have to remind myself to put weight on it while I'm standing. It's like I lost all the muscle memory that I've had for 40 years. What a weird thing to have to think about. Definitely have a long way to go.

In other news, two of the incisions are infected. I don't know how, I followed all the instructions, washed my hands constantly, and used clorox wipes on EVERYTHING every day. It be like that sometimes I guess. 

The bad news is, you don't take infected surgical incisions lightly. I'm on a strong antibiotic (ugh) but given the choice between those and a gnarly joint infection, give me the pills. 

So the days have been passing. Some have been good, where I feel good and have energy and feel like I'm getting stronger, and some days are not so good, where I don't feel good and I'm tired and sore and have to rest more. It's that, "2 steps forward 1 step back" type of feeling. 

Who knew it would be so hard to learn how to walk again?

more useful crochet things. Kinda.

Today's crochet project was a face scrubbie. I usually use a washcloth to exfoliate but I figured I'd give these a try.

The first one was a loose texture, my thought was it would dry faster.

I didn't like it. The texture was too loose, and once it got wet it loosened up even more, so it was hard to use as a scrubbie. I do, however, really like this stitch, it's pretty.

The next attempt was a little more tighter and compact.

You know what? I didn't like this one either. I think what it is is that the yarn itself doesn't feel scrubby enough. It's too gentle for my taste.

Overall, I think I prefer the washcloth. 

These were fun to make, though.

old trauma

One thing that I did not expect to be recovering from after hip surgery is really old trauma. Like, the emotional kind.

The last time I had surgery, I was left to fend for myself for most of the recovery. The day of surgery, Chris brought me home and left to go rock climbing. I figured he would be gone for a couple of hours while I napped. But when I woke up that evening, he hadn't returned and I was in a lot of pain. I called him a few times, and he didn't answer. So I got dressed and went to the pharmacy to pick up the pain pills myself. I remember standing in line for a long time, in pain, woozy from the residual anesthesia. By the time he finally called me back and eventually made it home, I had already taken care of myself.  

He was also working out of town the following week(s) so my mom and sister and a friend stopped by to check on me. Even when he was home, I would hesitate to ask him for help because any favors would always come back as something I owed him.

So since the surgery (and honestly for a very very long time) I would do things myself that would be easier if I asked for help. There have been MANY times these past few weeks (and for a very very long time) where FH has said to me, "You should have asked me to help you with that" and I resisted. 

Why? 

I stopped to think about it. 

These past few weeks I have been struggling with the fact that I need someone to take care of me. That I have to rely on someone. Because yes help is nice, but as a rule I always make sure that I can be self-reliant in the event that I have to be. Because in the past I found myself in that situation many times. Being in a relationship with someone I couldn't rely on hard-wired something in my brain and changed my default mode to hyper-independence.

I didn't ask for help because preserving my independence is a safety net, and I don't want him to start "keeping score" and tallying up favors against me. I even said that out loud in conversation and as soon as I said it, I realized how crazy that sounded. He calmly responded that he wouldn't do that, and it's true.

And that realization punched me. Oh my GOD, y'all.

I suppose after you've been let down over and over again you develop coping mechanisms that stay in place until they're brought to your attention and you change them. I have been carrying this coping mechanism around for almost a decade. 

When you compare the two situations, the differences are stark and it's opening my eyes. I didn't have to ask FH to take off work to drive me to doctor's appointments and physical therapy. He just does it. Leaving me after surgery would never be an option, same as going out of town while I'm recovering. It just makes sense that you don't do that. Which I'm just now evaluating. I didn't think much of it at the time, but looking back, who does that??

Today's lesson: I need to accept that I have a supportive partner who WANTS to help me, it's okay to be taken care of, and there won't be any retaliation for accepting help.

2 week hip update

Hello there. Today I had my first follow up appointment. I wasn't sure what to expect, mostly because no one told me what to expect, haha.

FH took me to the appointment, the wonderful caregiver that he is. 

Things to note:

We dropped off the CPM machine. So glad to see that thing leave my living room.

Stitches got taken out and I don't have to put fresh bandaids on them every night any more. Happy about that because the adhesive was really starting to irritate my skin.

They told me that I can SLOWLY start putting weight on my right side now. I did not expect that so soon and it made me so happy! Still have to wear the brace if I'm going to be doing a lot of moving around, to make sure I'm not twisting or anything. And have to make sure I don't bend past 90 degrees, which still means no bending over at the waist. BUT I can start trying to walk again! I was THRILLED to hear that! They basically said let the pain be the guide. If it hurts, take it back a notch. 

Driving won't be allowed until I'm fully walking with no pain. That might take a while. 

I can stop taking the pain meds and only need to keep taking aspirin until I'm fully walking, to prevent clots.

They took Xrays and compared side by side before and after and you can really see a difference in the shape of the bone. It looks nice!

Then the doctor showed us pictures of the procedure- inside the joint. Again, I was not expecting that. The first picture was all angry and red and torn up and messy looking. Then he showed pictures of the sutures to repair the tear, and re-shaping the bone. The last picture was the joint all cleaned up and pretty looking. That's wild!

Doc also said that he doesn't expect me to be back at work until the end of June- a couple of weeks longer than what we originally thought. He said I could go back but because much of my job is driving, traveling, walking, and standing, that I'd probably be in a lot of pain. So he wanted to give me a few more weeks to recover. He said, "You don't want to go back to soon and mess this up." So, okay. 

I have another follow up in a month.

crocheting useful things

Look what I made while I was strapped to the CPM machine one day! I tried a new stitch, called lattice stitch. Very pretty and I like the open weave.

What on earth is it though? An exfoliating bath mitt made with the scrubby yarn and a #4 mercerized cotton yarn worked together.

I have not used it yet, but I'm confident that this sucker will take off bug spray, dirt, grime, sunscreen, sweat no problem.... and probably the top layer of your skin. One thing's for sure, you will be clean after using this.

Now I need to make one that's not so intense. Maybe only work in the scrubby yarn in every other row.

Things I'm loving, post-surgical edition

1. Shower chair. Would literally be impossible to shower without it. Plus it's HSA eligible.

2. Foot scrubber. Not being able to bend over means not being able to reach my feet. This thing is like a car wash for your feet. It's so fun and works so well that I'm going to keep using it after I'm recovered.

3. Walker (& cup holder). We borrowed a walker from MAH, and I wish we would have thought of this before. It's WAY easier to get around the house in this than scooting around in my office chair. Plus there is storage beneath the seat. Moving around (and carrying drinks) just got a lot easier.

4. Fanny pack. I've had this for years and usually only use it when I'm hiking, but it has been essential for carrying things with me when I'm on crutches. I'm going to need to throw it in the laundry because I keep spilling food on it. 

5. Baby wipes. I only used them to "bathe" in the 48 hours after surgery before I was allowed to shower. They do a pretty good job. I have also used them a lot to wipe off the patio furniture (dust, pollen, bird poo) and scrub food spills off of my fanny pack...

6. Clorox wipes. Infection control is SO important. 

7. Resistance bands. The only reason why my foot is not blue. 

I debated getting a grabbing tool, because if I drop something it stays there until FH picks it up for me, and it would probably make it easier to get dressed. The only reason why I didn't get one is because I don't want to have to carry it around. It's only good if it's within arm's reach.