It's been a big couple of days.
Yesterday the judge granted our divorce. In the span of less than 5 minutes, I swore to give the whole truth so help me God, my lawyer asked me a few questions, and it was done. I spent a couple hours on the phone with HR and need to change the beneficiaries on a few things, but it's done.
No tears. I spent some time thinking about regrets, but overall I managed to keep it together. Because, honestly, I WAS together. This was something I've feared for a long time but was also a long time coming. I feel like overall it was a good decision, although still an emotional adjustment.
Also my "rich auntie" status is forever solidified because my nephews will get a big chunk of money if I suddenly die.
Today, the house appraised. FINALLY! The sale is going through and holy crap shit got real. I spent the whole day on my feet, training some new customers, answering phone calls from both title companies and the mortgage company, and trying to figure out how I'm going to make my customers happy, steal a kiss or two from foxy grandpa (who I'm really digging), sell my house, move Chris's stuff out, and move myself into a new house in the span of 13 days.
I needed to call in reinforcements. I have a ton of badasses on my team. So far everyone I've called on has come in clutch.
Mom has been there for the inspection of my new house, Frank found me an HVAC guy, Akhtar and Chris have agreed to a power of attorney for the sale of the old house, Chris will get a pod here ASAP, and I've signed a whole bunch of papers and emailed them back to the title companies and mortgage company who are also hustling to get things done in a ridiculously short time. I have to admit I barely read the paperwork and am relying on my team of badasses. I'm so overwhelmed I'm just trying to check things off my list.
Next up I have to call my mentor and my boss and see if anyone can help with my customers because I have too much on my plate even IF I wasn't dealing with several major life changes. Job security, yo.
I'm a little nervous at the new mortgage payment. The new house is about 40k more than what we paid for this house, and the interest rates are higher, so the mortgage payment is about $500 more than what I've been paying. I can completely afford it, because the payments on this house were really cheap, but I'm nervous about losing that chunk of disposable income. On the flip side, I'm not paying for Chris's health insurance anymore and most of my disposable income went into savings anyway, so maybe it'll even out.
I think it will all be worth it when I'm sipping wine in my beautiful garden in my new backyard, listening to the soothing waterfall and hoping I don't kill the fish.
In the meantime, I'll be secretly treading emotional waters but overall hustling like a badass. Whew.
31 May 2018
27 May 2018
silver fox
Another dating update.
That cute older dude from the party a few weeks ago turned out to be... really cool.
We didn't hang out right away because dad was visiting, but we eventually grabbed dinner. We talked for 2 hours before we even ordered food and lingered afterwards. Really good vibes.
Then we had lunch. Again, conversation was flowing.
He seems like an open dude, is still cute upon close inspection, and is actually making an effort to get to know me as a person. Lots of chemistry. His style is really different. Maybe that comes from all the extra life experience?
On our third date, I was extremely pleased with the... extracurricular activities. I definitely benefited from that particular area of life experience.
Speaking of life experience, he's got 3 grown daughters, has been married twice, and after Ashley friended him on facebook we found out last night that he's a grandpa. Funny... he forgot to mention that!
Now everyone is highly amused that I got it on with a grandpa. That sounds so weird.
His nickname went from blonde fox (a play off of silver fox but his hair's not grey) to Foxy Grandpa very quickly. It's kind of hilarious and also very odd.
Oh, he sent me flowers on Friday, which was great, but then I questioned how he got my address. ESPECIALLY after the incident later that night. I was really creeped out by the combination of events and took a step back to re-evaluate.
He got my address in a non-creepy way, so that was okay. But the whole thing just left me unsettled.
Definitely getting a really good security system with cameras put into the new house.
That cute older dude from the party a few weeks ago turned out to be... really cool.
We didn't hang out right away because dad was visiting, but we eventually grabbed dinner. We talked for 2 hours before we even ordered food and lingered afterwards. Really good vibes.
Then we had lunch. Again, conversation was flowing.
He seems like an open dude, is still cute upon close inspection, and is actually making an effort to get to know me as a person. Lots of chemistry. His style is really different. Maybe that comes from all the extra life experience?
On our third date, I was extremely pleased with the... extracurricular activities. I definitely benefited from that particular area of life experience.
Speaking of life experience, he's got 3 grown daughters, has been married twice, and after Ashley friended him on facebook we found out last night that he's a grandpa. Funny... he forgot to mention that!
Now everyone is highly amused that I got it on with a grandpa. That sounds so weird.
His nickname went from blonde fox (a play off of silver fox but his hair's not grey) to Foxy Grandpa very quickly. It's kind of hilarious and also very odd.
Oh, he sent me flowers on Friday, which was great, but then I questioned how he got my address. ESPECIALLY after the incident later that night. I was really creeped out by the combination of events and took a step back to re-evaluate.
He got my address in a non-creepy way, so that was okay. But the whole thing just left me unsettled.
Definitely getting a really good security system with cameras put into the new house.
psycho behavior
As if selling and buying a house wasn't enough activity right now, the universe threw in some more.
Let's start with the cute customer incident.
A while ago I decided that cute customer and I want very different things. I tried to naturally let things cool off when I was super busy, but it turns out he was sweet and understanding about me being too busy to hang out.
Hm. Crap. I had planned to have an adult conversation and explain that it just wasn't working for me, but... then he did something that made the conversation very different than I expected.
Friday evening I was pretty pooped. I was hanging out in bed in the early evening and fell asleep. I woke up to my doorbell ringing. Not a single ring. I woke up to someone repeatedly pushing the button at a fast pace. Followed by pounding on the door.
In a half-awake state, that is jarring and scary. I laid in bed for a minute, heard the person try the door handle, then the commotion at the front door stopped. I grabbed my phone and saw that cute customer had called several times and left text messages.
It was him at my door.
...the calls and texts had started an hour and a half earlier.
The next thing I know, he's in my backyard knocking at my bedroom window. I know the gate was locked so he must have had to jump the fence. Terrified, I decided to call the cops. But before I could, Helen called to discuss house stuff. I told her what was going on and she immediately headed over.
While I was still on the phone with her, I opened the door and told him to leave. To my surprise, he was holding a bottle of wine. He looked surprised and hurt when I told him to leave.
He didn't leave. He hung out on the front porch until Helen arrived. Then he got into his car but still didn't leave. So she turned her brights on and moved her car closer to his. Only then did he drive away.
I got into Helen's car and spent the night with her.
I did talk to him, and it turns out, he was trying to be sweet and surprise me with a bottle of wine because he knew I'd been stressed out. He wasn't trying to murder me, I guess.
He apologized but that was an absolute backfire, dude.
First of all, he came over uninvited and violated some big personal boundaries. That's a big NO. If I wanted company, I would have invited him over.
Second of all, once he knocked and I didn't answer, he should have left. In what scenario is it okay to pound on my door for 90 minutes and go into my backyard?? SO CREEPY! I really thought he'd lost his mind and that I was in danger.
The icing on the cake- when I told him to leave, he didn't leave.
I felt disrespected, like my privacy was violated. I felt unsafe in my own home. I was so freaked out that I spent that next night at Ashley's.
This is the exact reason why I decided not to let anyone I date know where I live. But I made an exception because I knew I'd be moving soon.
LESSON LEARNED.
Let's start with the cute customer incident.
A while ago I decided that cute customer and I want very different things. I tried to naturally let things cool off when I was super busy, but it turns out he was sweet and understanding about me being too busy to hang out.
Hm. Crap. I had planned to have an adult conversation and explain that it just wasn't working for me, but... then he did something that made the conversation very different than I expected.
Friday evening I was pretty pooped. I was hanging out in bed in the early evening and fell asleep. I woke up to my doorbell ringing. Not a single ring. I woke up to someone repeatedly pushing the button at a fast pace. Followed by pounding on the door.
In a half-awake state, that is jarring and scary. I laid in bed for a minute, heard the person try the door handle, then the commotion at the front door stopped. I grabbed my phone and saw that cute customer had called several times and left text messages.
It was him at my door.
...the calls and texts had started an hour and a half earlier.
The next thing I know, he's in my backyard knocking at my bedroom window. I know the gate was locked so he must have had to jump the fence. Terrified, I decided to call the cops. But before I could, Helen called to discuss house stuff. I told her what was going on and she immediately headed over.
While I was still on the phone with her, I opened the door and told him to leave. To my surprise, he was holding a bottle of wine. He looked surprised and hurt when I told him to leave.
He didn't leave. He hung out on the front porch until Helen arrived. Then he got into his car but still didn't leave. So she turned her brights on and moved her car closer to his. Only then did he drive away.
I got into Helen's car and spent the night with her.
I did talk to him, and it turns out, he was trying to be sweet and surprise me with a bottle of wine because he knew I'd been stressed out. He wasn't trying to murder me, I guess.
He apologized but that was an absolute backfire, dude.
First of all, he came over uninvited and violated some big personal boundaries. That's a big NO. If I wanted company, I would have invited him over.
Second of all, once he knocked and I didn't answer, he should have left. In what scenario is it okay to pound on my door for 90 minutes and go into my backyard?? SO CREEPY! I really thought he'd lost his mind and that I was in danger.
The icing on the cake- when I told him to leave, he didn't leave.
I felt disrespected, like my privacy was violated. I felt unsafe in my own home. I was so freaked out that I spent that next night at Ashley's.
This is the exact reason why I decided not to let anyone I date know where I live. But I made an exception because I knew I'd be moving soon.
LESSON LEARNED.
Home on the range
It has been an eventful couple of days. I had planned to do one post outlining some large developments, but now so much has happened that I feel like the topics need to be split.
First up. House:
Appraisal finally got scheduled. Helen seems confident that we're in the clear so I started my house hunt.
We started by looking at a couple smaller houses, but they just weren't right. Then she suggested we look at a house in my neighborhood. I rejected it right away based on the square footage (too big) and the fact that it's on a busy corner. Still, Helen insisted and I trust her so we looked at it.
I didn't like it immediately, but it grew on me as I walked around. It had a really good vibe. It is a lot more square footage, but the way it's laid out, it doesn't seem like it. Overall, it felt right. Plus, the master bath and gorgeous backyard sold me.
Helen basically negotiated on my behalf and the next thing I know I'm signing a contract. We're making the option period short and we're going to try to close on the same day as this house closes so that I'm not homeless. You know, the little things.
Work is busy this week so it's going to be a wonderful shitshow but at this point I'm rolling with everything and nothing's a big deal. Really trying to stay zen, listen to my gut, and let the universe work things out.
We shall see what happens.
First up. House:
Appraisal finally got scheduled. Helen seems confident that we're in the clear so I started my house hunt.
We started by looking at a couple smaller houses, but they just weren't right. Then she suggested we look at a house in my neighborhood. I rejected it right away based on the square footage (too big) and the fact that it's on a busy corner. Still, Helen insisted and I trust her so we looked at it.
I didn't like it immediately, but it grew on me as I walked around. It had a really good vibe. It is a lot more square footage, but the way it's laid out, it doesn't seem like it. Overall, it felt right. Plus, the master bath and gorgeous backyard sold me.
Helen basically negotiated on my behalf and the next thing I know I'm signing a contract. We're making the option period short and we're going to try to close on the same day as this house closes so that I'm not homeless. You know, the little things.
Work is busy this week so it's going to be a wonderful shitshow but at this point I'm rolling with everything and nothing's a big deal. Really trying to stay zen, listen to my gut, and let the universe work things out.
We shall see what happens.
14 May 2018
moving along
Buyer is proceeding. Buyer is PROCEEDING.
BUYER IS PROCEEDING.
We have yet to sign the amendment to the contract where the buyer waives the right to terminate, and the appraisal is pending, but we've been told the buyer is proceeding. It would be a real dick move if they backed out now. So hopefully they don't.
Yet, I'm not excited. Yes, I'll be glad if this goes through, but I'm still super cautious with the emotionals. And I'm feeling overwhelmed with the to-do list that involves moving.
BUYER IS PROCEEDING.
We have yet to sign the amendment to the contract where the buyer waives the right to terminate, and the appraisal is pending, but we've been told the buyer is proceeding. It would be a real dick move if they backed out now. So hopefully they don't.
Yet, I'm not excited. Yes, I'll be glad if this goes through, but I'm still super cautious with the emotionals. And I'm feeling overwhelmed with the to-do list that involves moving.
13 May 2018
huh?
Saturday was a fun but strange night.
My whole family went to a family friend's birthday party. That part is not so strange.
But BOTH my dads were at this party, plus my mom and all my siblings. (Except Luke...who we miss terribly and talk about all the time. And Chelsea who had other obligations.) That could have been weird but... nope. It strangely wasn't.
Amongst the crowd were the usual folks, except for a few interesting exceptions.
There was a guy there who looked at my house while it was on the market. That was a fun "it's a small world" time discovering that while chatting. We both agreed that the karaoke stage is a serious design challenge.
During the usual party chatter, my dad's other friend tried to convince me to buy a house on his block.
And I'm going to check it out, just as soon as this option period on the current contract is over... tomorrow... IF the potential buyers decide to proceed.
Oh, I don't have my hopes up but cross those fingers because that would be great if this house sold and I could finally move on with my life.
SPEAKING of that, there was this really cute dude at the party and we definitely had chemistry.
If you remember, I deleted all of the dating apps and decided to take a chill pill and see what life throws at me meeting people the old fashioned way.
I'm not disappointed so far. It turns out this guy is 15 years older than me and I was shocked because he doesn't look like it. Which is why I gave him my number when he asked. I definitely want to go out with him.
Yeah okay... he's a friend of my dad's friend and that's a little weird. But I guess that's how my dating life is going so far. Maybe I'll find that older but cute dudes are my jam?
Anyway, this week will definitely be interesting. Mostly because of the house thing. (Because I'm not going on any dates this week. Maybe next week.)
This brings me a lot of peace, in a lot of ways:
My whole family went to a family friend's birthday party. That part is not so strange.
But BOTH my dads were at this party, plus my mom and all my siblings. (Except Luke...who we miss terribly and talk about all the time. And Chelsea who had other obligations.) That could have been weird but... nope. It strangely wasn't.
Amongst the crowd were the usual folks, except for a few interesting exceptions.
There was a guy there who looked at my house while it was on the market. That was a fun "it's a small world" time discovering that while chatting. We both agreed that the karaoke stage is a serious design challenge.
During the usual party chatter, my dad's other friend tried to convince me to buy a house on his block.
And I'm going to check it out, just as soon as this option period on the current contract is over... tomorrow... IF the potential buyers decide to proceed.
Oh, I don't have my hopes up but cross those fingers because that would be great if this house sold and I could finally move on with my life.
SPEAKING of that, there was this really cute dude at the party and we definitely had chemistry.
If you remember, I deleted all of the dating apps and decided to take a chill pill and see what life throws at me meeting people the old fashioned way.
I'm not disappointed so far. It turns out this guy is 15 years older than me and I was shocked because he doesn't look like it. Which is why I gave him my number when he asked. I definitely want to go out with him.
Yeah okay... he's a friend of my dad's friend and that's a little weird. But I guess that's how my dating life is going so far. Maybe I'll find that older but cute dudes are my jam?
Anyway, this week will definitely be interesting. Mostly because of the house thing. (Because I'm not going on any dates this week. Maybe next week.)
This brings me a lot of peace, in a lot of ways:
08 May 2018
post-gluten and feels
It's been a while since I was glutened. It's always disruptive. After last weekend's glutening, I spent most of the weekend curled up on the couch with a heating pad and making trips to the bathroom. Grated ginger in hot water helped with the upper abdominal symptoms, thank goodness. I'd rather things follow the natural flow than go backwards, you know?
Now I'm feeling mostly functional... although there are a few lasting side effects. Most notably, abdominal pain and bloating on Monday. Like a visibly distended belly and pain so bad I had to pause a few times while working.
Then today it was continued bloating, a small amount of digestive upset, and this evening a continuous deep intestinal muscle spasm on the left side of my belly all night. A very odd rumbly fluttery sensation, but no pain.
All this, over a single tainted beverage 4 days ago. And this giant canker sore doesnt help. Now you know why I've gotten obsessive over gluten.
I over-packed a bunch of food for my travels. I booked a hotel room with a full-size fridge, and have avoided eating out. I thought I would be by myself this trip, but tonight there were 3 other colleagues in town so I happily enjoyed their company for dinner and was super careful.
After dinner I went shopping with my colleague at Express because they had a sale on pants. Even the 00 didn't fit. Very discouraging. Why do I have no ass and why are my legs so skinny?? It's okay. That brand just isn't cut to fit my body the way it is right now.
Then after I got back to my hotel I got lonely and started texting cute customer, even though I vowed to let that go a little bit. Overall I'm okay with the way things are going, so I guess that will evolve... carefully. We seem to be on the same page. I mostly want to make sure that I don't start to rely on him. Which is tricky and I probably shouldn't have made lunch plans on Thursday... but I'll be on his side of town! What's wrong with lunch?
I also got lonely at some point this week and I chatted with my sisters on Instagram and sent Dayna a text... I am noting that I can't completely rely on myself for company. I don't want to be a freaking hermit.. It's okay to crave interaction with others, but I guess I have to find a balance between interaction with others, and being okay with myself.
{insert therapy here?}
Now I'm feeling mostly functional... although there are a few lasting side effects. Most notably, abdominal pain and bloating on Monday. Like a visibly distended belly and pain so bad I had to pause a few times while working.
Then today it was continued bloating, a small amount of digestive upset, and this evening a continuous deep intestinal muscle spasm on the left side of my belly all night. A very odd rumbly fluttery sensation, but no pain.
All this, over a single tainted beverage 4 days ago. And this giant canker sore doesnt help. Now you know why I've gotten obsessive over gluten.
I over-packed a bunch of food for my travels. I booked a hotel room with a full-size fridge, and have avoided eating out. I thought I would be by myself this trip, but tonight there were 3 other colleagues in town so I happily enjoyed their company for dinner and was super careful.
After dinner I went shopping with my colleague at Express because they had a sale on pants. Even the 00 didn't fit. Very discouraging. Why do I have no ass and why are my legs so skinny?? It's okay. That brand just isn't cut to fit my body the way it is right now.
Then after I got back to my hotel I got lonely and started texting cute customer, even though I vowed to let that go a little bit. Overall I'm okay with the way things are going, so I guess that will evolve... carefully. We seem to be on the same page. I mostly want to make sure that I don't start to rely on him. Which is tricky and I probably shouldn't have made lunch plans on Thursday... but I'll be on his side of town! What's wrong with lunch?
I also got lonely at some point this week and I chatted with my sisters on Instagram and sent Dayna a text... I am noting that I can't completely rely on myself for company. I don't want to be a freaking hermit.. It's okay to crave interaction with others, but I guess I have to find a balance between interaction with others, and being okay with myself.
{insert therapy here?}
06 May 2018
Pursuing peace
Today I had planned to go to yoga. I even set my alarm. Then my sister texted me saying that Calvin had requested to go to the park near my house.
Well, when your nephew wants to go to the park near your house, you skip yoga and you go to the park.
It was a beautiful day for park-hopping. Turns out, it ends up being as good for your soul as yoga.
I definitely found an unexpected attitude shift this weekend. I'm glad I did.
I have to travel next week... which I did not anticipate, and my dad will be visiting, plus the contract on the house has not fallen through, YET.
So it should be an interesting week.
Well, when your nephew wants to go to the park near your house, you skip yoga and you go to the park.
It was a beautiful day for park-hopping. Turns out, it ends up being as good for your soul as yoga.
I definitely found an unexpected attitude shift this weekend. I'm glad I did.
I have to travel next week... which I did not anticipate, and my dad will be visiting, plus the contract on the house has not fallen through, YET.
So it should be an interesting week.
small encounter
This weekend I was kicked out of my house for a showing and I went to the local coffee shop.
I ordered a coffee and sat down at one of the tables with my laptop, reading some emails and catching up on some work. I was slightly crabby as my allergies were acting up and all I really wanted to do was take a nap.
There was a little boy, probably about 1-2 years old, who was playing in the corner of the coffee shop with his dad (?). At some point he walked up to me and handed me a domino.
He was really freaking adorable and I have no idea why he felt the need to hand me a domino, but it made me feel good; like according to a small child I was warm enough to be approachable.
Maybe I am sending out good vibes even while I'm reading work emails and stressed about everything possible in life.
Maybe the cute little guy just wanted to share his dominoes.
I ordered a coffee and sat down at one of the tables with my laptop, reading some emails and catching up on some work. I was slightly crabby as my allergies were acting up and all I really wanted to do was take a nap.
There was a little boy, probably about 1-2 years old, who was playing in the corner of the coffee shop with his dad (?). At some point he walked up to me and handed me a domino.
He was really freaking adorable and I have no idea why he felt the need to hand me a domino, but it made me feel good; like according to a small child I was warm enough to be approachable.
Maybe I am sending out good vibes even while I'm reading work emails and stressed about everything possible in life.
Maybe the cute little guy just wanted to share his dominoes.
05 May 2018
re-focus
This afternoon I accidentally got glutened and had to cancel my evening plans.
What I didn't expect was to experience anxiety. Not from the physical effects of glutening. Because I was alone in my house with no distractions. I usually do not suffer from FOMO, but I was feeling it, bad. I was really looking forward to dinner with some old colleagues and late night partying at my sister's. I was wearing a new maxi dress and feelin' myself. Gluten had other plans, as it usually does.
I've been busy every single day/ evening for several weeks. Dinner plans, dates, brunch, working late, activities, etc.
When I was forced to be alone and quiet, I started to pay attention to my thoughts. I thought I was doing well, all things considered. I have been attempting to adapt, but maybe I haven't been addressing some important things. I think I have been using distractions to cope. Which is normal, but I didn't realize I was doing it. Dang my sneaky mind.
There have been 4 offers on the house, I think. They've all kinda blurred together. Three have fallen through and each one has been emotionally charged. I've been rolling with it the best I can.
With this latest offer, I'm less optimistic that it will go through. But I accepted anyway. They want the fridge and washer and dryer. Which is no big deal, but it pulled at an unexpected heartstring. Chris made a big deal about buying me that washer and dryer. It hurts a little bit to give them up.
A strange thing to be sentimental about, but it's there. I remember sitting in front of the brand new washer just after we moved in, and watching the cycle. I was skeptical that the high efficiency washer that used so little water could get clothes clean. Chris took a picture and posted it to facebook with a cute caption. That was back when we were happy. Such a strong memory attached to that washing machine, and last week I exhaustedly agreed to give it to a stranger who might get to live in our house and wash their clothes in it.
It's a washing machine. It shouldn't mean so much. But it does.
I don't need to figure out all the "whys" right now. I think acknowledging these strange emotions helps a lot though. I'm upset at the thought of losing the washer and dryer because I have a strong memory associated with them.
Which is why it's probably a good thing to let them go.
In addition, I think I've been using dating apps and this cute customer to distract me from my ultimate goal of being okay with just me.
I noticed last weekend when I didn't get a text back from cute customer* I felt a little down. Yeah, it's been a nice way to move on, but I'm finding myself falling into the same pattern of seeking validation from others.
I've been handling this whole process as best I can, but I really eventually want to reach that level where I'm not dependent on anyone else for my inner peace and happiness. It's so easy to latch onto the positive feedback from others, but that's not really what it's about. Because when that positive feedback ceases, I'm left with a void and I feel bad about myself.
I fall into that pattern so easily. I have to make an active effort to shift my focus and that's going to be an ongoing process.
Thinking about seeking a therapist again, just to help direct this focus. My boss suggested this great employee assistance program, and I think I might check it out.
Oh. Also. My work laptop won't turn on. Sure, why not?
*Cute customer is technically the blood bank supervisor and not directly my customer but... there's that grey area... but I keep using that term to describe him because it has nice alliteration.
What I didn't expect was to experience anxiety. Not from the physical effects of glutening. Because I was alone in my house with no distractions. I usually do not suffer from FOMO, but I was feeling it, bad. I was really looking forward to dinner with some old colleagues and late night partying at my sister's. I was wearing a new maxi dress and feelin' myself. Gluten had other plans, as it usually does.
I've been busy every single day/ evening for several weeks. Dinner plans, dates, brunch, working late, activities, etc.
When I was forced to be alone and quiet, I started to pay attention to my thoughts. I thought I was doing well, all things considered. I have been attempting to adapt, but maybe I haven't been addressing some important things. I think I have been using distractions to cope. Which is normal, but I didn't realize I was doing it. Dang my sneaky mind.
There have been 4 offers on the house, I think. They've all kinda blurred together. Three have fallen through and each one has been emotionally charged. I've been rolling with it the best I can.
With this latest offer, I'm less optimistic that it will go through. But I accepted anyway. They want the fridge and washer and dryer. Which is no big deal, but it pulled at an unexpected heartstring. Chris made a big deal about buying me that washer and dryer. It hurts a little bit to give them up.
A strange thing to be sentimental about, but it's there. I remember sitting in front of the brand new washer just after we moved in, and watching the cycle. I was skeptical that the high efficiency washer that used so little water could get clothes clean. Chris took a picture and posted it to facebook with a cute caption. That was back when we were happy. Such a strong memory attached to that washing machine, and last week I exhaustedly agreed to give it to a stranger who might get to live in our house and wash their clothes in it.
It's a washing machine. It shouldn't mean so much. But it does.
I don't need to figure out all the "whys" right now. I think acknowledging these strange emotions helps a lot though. I'm upset at the thought of losing the washer and dryer because I have a strong memory associated with them.
Which is why it's probably a good thing to let them go.
In addition, I think I've been using dating apps and this cute customer to distract me from my ultimate goal of being okay with just me.
I noticed last weekend when I didn't get a text back from cute customer* I felt a little down. Yeah, it's been a nice way to move on, but I'm finding myself falling into the same pattern of seeking validation from others.
I've been handling this whole process as best I can, but I really eventually want to reach that level where I'm not dependent on anyone else for my inner peace and happiness. It's so easy to latch onto the positive feedback from others, but that's not really what it's about. Because when that positive feedback ceases, I'm left with a void and I feel bad about myself.
I fall into that pattern so easily. I have to make an active effort to shift my focus and that's going to be an ongoing process.
Thinking about seeking a therapist again, just to help direct this focus. My boss suggested this great employee assistance program, and I think I might check it out.
Oh. Also. My work laptop won't turn on. Sure, why not?
*Cute customer is technically the blood bank supervisor and not directly my customer but... there's that grey area... but I keep using that term to describe him because it has nice alliteration.
01 May 2018
a couple things
Today was a rollercoaster, emotional-wise.
I attended my neighbor's funeral and it was very lovely. The end, though, got me. He was a veteran and they gave his widow the flag draped across his casket. Complete with taps. It was beautiful and I don't know, maybe military funerals still hit too close to home. Maybe they always will.
Then, thankfully, Dayna texted me asking me to lunch and she's done that before but I've always been busy. It was perfect timing. I had lunch with her and her sweet youngest kiddo who always smiles back. I needed that.
Then the afternoon was a whirlwind of work and I was kicked out of the house for a showing. I could have gone to a coffeehouse or something, but I decided to get a pedicure while answering emails. While I was getting my feet rubbed, I got a call from Helen that I did NOT expect. Lots of stressful phone calls later, we are thisclose to accepting a really great offer on the house. Cross your fingers y'all.
I was still feeling crazy from the up-and-down emotionals of the day, so when I peeked out the kitchen window and saw my neighbor outside watering her flowers, I went over. Chatted with her for a while and I didn't expect it to calm me down as much as it did.
Chris and I are getting along really well. Like, better than we have in years.
I think we're both on our best behavior? Or maybe all of the background expectations and emotions between us are gone, so now it's just us behaving like adults and discussing logistics and actually respecting each other? I don't know.
There's still a bit of sadness there but at least now when I talk to him it doesn't devastate me. Maybe we can be one of those divorced couples that doesn't harbor complete hatred for one another. Not that I'm that type of person anyway, and not that I expect to talk to him at ALL once our divorce is final and the house is sold, but it's a new dynamic and it's so weird that it's NOT weird.
It makes me feel like we've made the right decision, though. Like it confirms that as a couple we really didn't work but as individual people we're ok.
You guys, it's only Tuesday.
I attended my neighbor's funeral and it was very lovely. The end, though, got me. He was a veteran and they gave his widow the flag draped across his casket. Complete with taps. It was beautiful and I don't know, maybe military funerals still hit too close to home. Maybe they always will.
Then, thankfully, Dayna texted me asking me to lunch and she's done that before but I've always been busy. It was perfect timing. I had lunch with her and her sweet youngest kiddo who always smiles back. I needed that.
Then the afternoon was a whirlwind of work and I was kicked out of the house for a showing. I could have gone to a coffeehouse or something, but I decided to get a pedicure while answering emails. While I was getting my feet rubbed, I got a call from Helen that I did NOT expect. Lots of stressful phone calls later, we are thisclose to accepting a really great offer on the house. Cross your fingers y'all.
I was still feeling crazy from the up-and-down emotionals of the day, so when I peeked out the kitchen window and saw my neighbor outside watering her flowers, I went over. Chatted with her for a while and I didn't expect it to calm me down as much as it did.
Chris and I are getting along really well. Like, better than we have in years.
I think we're both on our best behavior? Or maybe all of the background expectations and emotions between us are gone, so now it's just us behaving like adults and discussing logistics and actually respecting each other? I don't know.
There's still a bit of sadness there but at least now when I talk to him it doesn't devastate me. Maybe we can be one of those divorced couples that doesn't harbor complete hatred for one another. Not that I'm that type of person anyway, and not that I expect to talk to him at ALL once our divorce is final and the house is sold, but it's a new dynamic and it's so weird that it's NOT weird.
It makes me feel like we've made the right decision, though. Like it confirms that as a couple we really didn't work but as individual people we're ok.
You guys, it's only Tuesday.
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