pft.

Well I had a shitty day.

Mostly because I was super annoyed that, SuRpRiSe I'm still in pain from the really stupid move I made, and it affected everything I tried to do today. So my mood just compounded bad upon bad and eventually it provoked FH which turned into a bad mood for everyone.

So I stewed in my bad mood until this afternoon when I tried to shake it off and failed. At that point there's only one thing left to do and it's take a shower, eat dinner, pour a big glass of wine and go to bed early. Tomorrow will be another day, and hopefully better.

old trauma

One thing that I did not expect to be recovering from after hip surgery is really old trauma. Like, the emotional kind.

The last time I had surgery, I was left to fend for myself for most of the recovery. The day of surgery, Chris brought me home and left to go rock climbing. I figured he would be gone for a couple of hours while I napped. But when I woke up that evening, he hadn't returned and I was in a lot of pain. I called him a few times, and he didn't answer. So I got dressed and went to the pharmacy to pick up the pain pills myself. I remember standing in line for a long time, in pain, woozy from the residual anesthesia. By the time he finally called me back and eventually made it home, I had already taken care of myself.  

He was also working out of town the following week(s) so my mom and sister and a friend stopped by to check on me. Even when he was home, I would hesitate to ask him for help because any favors would always come back as something I owed him.

So since the surgery (and honestly for a very very long time) I would do things myself that would be easier if I asked for help. There have been MANY times these past few weeks (and for a very very long time) where FH has said to me, "You should have asked me to help you with that" and I resisted. 

Why? 

I stopped to think about it. 

These past few weeks I have been struggling with the fact that I need someone to take care of me. That I have to rely on someone. Because yes help is nice, but as a rule I always make sure that I can be self-reliant in the event that I have to be. Because in the past I found myself in that situation many times. Being in a relationship with someone I couldn't rely on hard-wired something in my brain and changed my default mode to hyper-independence.

I didn't ask for help because preserving my independence is a safety net, and I don't want him to start "keeping score" and tallying up favors against me. I even said that out loud in conversation and as soon as I said it, I realized how crazy that sounded. He calmly responded that he wouldn't do that, and it's true.

And that realization punched me. Oh my GOD, y'all.

I suppose after you've been let down over and over again you develop coping mechanisms that stay in place until they're brought to your attention and you change them. I have been carrying this coping mechanism around for almost a decade. 

When you compare the two situations, the differences are stark and it's opening my eyes. I didn't have to ask FH to take off work to drive me to doctor's appointments and physical therapy. He just does it. Leaving me after surgery would never be an option, same as going out of town while I'm recovering. It just makes sense that you don't do that. Which I'm just now evaluating. I didn't think much of it at the time, but looking back, who does that??

Today's lesson: I need to accept that I have a supportive partner who WANTS to help me, it's okay to be taken care of, and there won't be any retaliation for accepting help.

new things

We have tried a few new things lately. And now I can't ever go back to the way things were before. Funny enough, these things were triggered by the fact that I've had to travel a lot lately (aka the last 2 years) and I am struggling with fatigue. I just can't do it all and I need to call in reinforcements. 

First, we hired a maid.
We've budgeted for a maid every year but didn't use one because I enjoy cleaning. But picture traveling all week and coming home to a house that needs to be cleaned but you didn't make the mess. And your energy levels are bottoming out. Take my money. Clean my house. Her name is Nikki and I love her.

Second, we signed up for Walmart+ (I guess there was a half price promotion lately) and we've started getting groceries delivered. Walmart is the only place that will deliver groceries out here. It's a game changer. Picture a long travel day and then having to spend at least 3 hours grocery shopping (the drive + the shop + putting away) and your energy levels are bottoming out. Having them delivered saves time and energy and I'm loving it. We accidentally bought a gigantic jar of pickles because we didn't pay attention to the description but that's part of the learning process.

I've also started going to yoga again and I love it. I try to go once a week and it's so, so good. Lifting weights at the hotel gym or at home is great, but I forget how fun it is to move my body and stretch and set an intention. I originally signed up again because I need to spend the "wellness" credit that's offered by my job, but now I'm hooked and I will be investing regularly. 

In other news, the chickens are still laying regularly even though the days are shorter, and the neighbor commented on how healthy they look, which made me feel really proud. It turns out, chickens are awesome and pretty low maintenance once you figure out your system. Also fall gardening > summer gardening. We are swimming in tomatoes and eggs right now. Pretty great problem to have. 

life appreciation post

You know, sometimes I have to stop and take a deep breath and re-center myself. Been feeling a little off lately.

I have been traveling a lot, which inherently creates a need to adapt, and I've also been navigating the shifts that come with perimenopause. Yes, I saw the doctor and they said that I basically have 2 options. Either get my levels tested and take hormone therapy, or deal with the natural process and take good care of myself in the meantime. Of course I chose the crunchier option.

This week, when I left for the airport for the second Monday in a row, I really didn't want to. But since there was nothing I could do to change the situation, I had to change my mindset. I could be sad that I have to leave home, or I could re-frame my point of view and be excited for the adventure and the opportunity to see a new city. Why spend the time being upset when I can choose to change my mood? 

Fortunately, I've had practice with shifting my focus to appreciate the present. And I'm so glad. Because even though my days were filled with layovers and work, it really is cool to visit a new city. I didn't have time to do much, but in the last couple of weeks I was able to do some recon and see if these cities were worth visiting again. And, they were.

How lucky am I that I get paid to travel? I've been to some really cool places and met some cool people. My company pays for my snacks. I get to keep my airline, hotel, rental car, and parking points, which enables us to travel for fun on a budget. I get to come home to a house in paradise with a wonderful husband who carries my luggage upstairs, makes sure the toilet is clean (LOL I'm not mad at it) and fresh flowers are ALWAYS on the table. I get to sleep in a comfortable bed next to him and wake up to scratchy beard kisses and drink my coffee in the morning with views like this.

So yeah, life gets busy and I get tired, but when I stop to take it all in, it's all pretty damn good. I am SO lucky.

all right.

I've been in a bad mood all day. 

I woke up in a fantastic mood, but shortly after that... I don't even want to talk about it because I'm going to get mad again.

There's a psychological phenomenon, I forget what it's called, where when you're pissed off you remember more times when you were pissed off, and when you're happy, you remember more times when you were happy, and today's rage kind of snowballed.

Anyway.

Couple of things:

-I need to start working out. Feeling weak and mushy. I hurt my shoulder a while ago and in the process of letting it heal I lost all my arm strength. Starting over from scratch.

-I miss having a cat. Don't want to get another one because I like not having to deal with litter boxes, cat hair, and pet sitters, but I do miss all the snuggles and cuteness. I can see why they say that having a pet lowers your blood pressure, because I'm finding that since I don't have a snuggle buddy, I relax less.

-Pretty sure I convinced FH to get chickens. I've always wanted them and, you know, I prescribe to the "life is short so let's do whatever we want" vibe.  It's on the list, but not sure how high it is. We have a lot of home maintenance items higher up at the moment.

-Found a doctor and a dermatologist locally. Hoping that with a smaller practice I'm treated like a patient and not an insurance claim, but honestly at this point I just need some checkups. Also hey, mammogram age.

-Taking a birthday trip to hot springs, arkansas. Plane tickets the Sunday after Thanksgiving were astronomical, so we're taking my new Rav4 for a road trip. Something new, for sure. We got a cute airbnb in the mountains on the edge of a national forest that has a hot tub and full kitchen, so if we do nothing but veg and go hiking I'm considering it a win. (But also we're doing to dig for diamonds.) Very much looking forward to that.

-Work has been crazy busy for a while now but we have wrapped up all of the huge projects in town so we just might get a breather. Feeling a little more balanced there. Going to take a minute to regroup before I volunteer to help in other areas that are slammed. My boss forwarded a job opening for a promotion last week and I flagged it to consider, then promptly marked it as complete because I can't even fathom that right now.

mrs part 2

Well, here we are on the eve of my wedding, and I thought it would be nice to record some of my thoughts.

Today was a whirlwind of to-do lists and excitement that eventually wound down into tiredness. This evening I came home from making bouquets with my mom and sisters, ate some dinner, poured a glass of wine, and drew a hot bath. 

[I'll meal prep and pack tomorrow.]

Reflecting on what I've been through when it comes to relationships, and how long ago that seems. How lucky I am that I was able to heal from whatever ~that~ was, and how lucky I am to have found someone who makes the stars shine brighter. I am about to marry a man who is kind, warm, smart, supportive, and absolutely the highlight of every day. Who loves my family and has a great family that I fit in naturally. It's always been so easy to be with him.

Tomorrow I'll be a wife again. But this time I'll also be a stepmom, And (officially) a grandma. Titles that I'm so honored to have.

Looking forward to the wedding, not just because DUH, but because weddings are affairs where literally it's all your favorite people and everyone is there to offer well-wishes and have a good time. It's the best kind of party.

This chapter of my life is going to be a good one. 

hi/high

Sittin' on the couch at the river with a huge glass of wine and Punk next to me and I'm so very happy.

Life is busy, but life is so, so good. 

I have everything I ever wanted, and I'm enjoying every second of it.

FG got laid off last week but to be honest his job was getting so toxic and I am certain that this is one of those blessings in disguise. Manifesting a job with a better work life balance and lots of money. :)

In the meantime, he has lots of free time to hang out with me, and he's in a much better mood now that he's not carrying so much work stress. Plus I've got a to-do list a mile long with his name on it and he's checking things off every day.

It's also made it easier to spend more time at the river. In fact, we brought Punk here a while ago and we haven't spent enough time at "home" to justify bringing her back so she's been kickin' it at the river with us. I love having her here instead of sitting alone in an empty house. She's done lots of exploring but isn't a huge fan of the water and keeps her distance.

Did I mention that I pinch myself every day that I wake up, pour myself a cup of coffee, and sit outside on the swing watching the sun rise with the breeze and the birds chirping and the fish jumping out of the water, and the hummingbirds buzzing around? Because it's truly a dream. 

I know life is full of ups and downs, and right now this is clearly a high point. Let's see how long we can stay here, shall we?

hey I'm tired

Dude. Apparently it's too much for me to manage one household and establish another at the same time. We've been spending every weekend at the river, trying to get things in order, and during the week we're so busy that we can barely figure out what to eat for dinner.

I have been working nonstop. Between actual work and projects at home and the river, I haven't had a moment's rest. Well, not if you count the alternating afternoon power nap or iced coffee to get me through the rest of the day. I'm stretched pretty thin lately.

I need a relaxing day where I don't do any work or host- just laze around and read magazines and do a craft and take naps. So I looked at my calendar, hoping to schedule it on the weekend or take a PTO day, and I'm looking at August before I can catch a break. Oh. Okay.

I'm so tired that I told FG to call the house cleaners. This is a big deal. He used to use them a lot but I do a better job than they do and I enjoy cleaning, so we haven't called them in a long time.

I'm at the point where I don't have the time or the energy and the house is a freaking mess and it's stressing me out. So they came today while we tackled approximately 1,000 projects that we've been ignoring at home while focusing on the river house. And you know what? It's not perfect but it's clean enough. I'm noticing clean things that I didn't have to do: There's no cat hair on the lamp shade on my desk! Nothing sticks to my bare feet as I walk around the house! They even cleaned under the couches, which I would never do. Well worth the money. I'm so grateful.

In the meantime FG and I (and the cat) are covered in sawdust but we put thin strips on the new fence between every picket so it has privacy and I can garden naked if I want (and I do), and the flower beds are actually going in, yay!

And the bedsheets are clean and the bed was magically made while I shoveled dirt and picked up stray nails and cigarette butts in the backyard in the 100+ heat.

Tomorrow we pick back up on the projects bright and early, but because of the insane heat we decided to take a mid-day break and I get to go see my sister and parents. I'm embracing these mini-breaks where I can.

Also, I mentioned before that FG and I have been snipping at each other a lot lately, and it's started to put a strain on our relationship. I'm trying to nip this in the bud and have really tried to maintain a positive attitude and treat him with more kindness than usual, especially when tensions start to get high. 

And it's working! It turns out, when the cycle of crabiness is broken, it's broken. 

...thank goodness.

it's only tuesday

First order of business. FG is on Day 3 of a cruise and at first I wasn't sure what to do with myself. I used to live alone and I loved it! What did I do?? (Psst. I drank a lot more than I do now)

So far I have spring cleaned the house, including windows, ceiling fans, floors, and baseboards. I've done all the laundry, including rugs, throw blankets, dog beds, and pillows.

I've also started painting my desk and have moved my office into FG's office in the meantime. I feel like Ron Burgundy working from that huge desk with 3 monitors, 2 keyboards, and several mice.

My taxes are done, I baked a bunch, exhausted social media, watched some tv, and should probably schedule some work stuff for the rest of the week.

I do miss FG and his company and I will be happy when he is home...

But, I do enjoy being able to fart at will, cooking only when I feel like it, having control over the remote. and snuggling with Pumpkin at night. She is so much more calm during the day when she's not locked up at night.

I already knew that I would hate a cruise, but that has been confirmed. FG said that you can feel the boat moving, and the dining options are plentiful and gluten-ful. Not exactly my cup of tea on either account. 

Happy to be on dry land with my own kitchen, embracing the solitude. After feeling so burnt out socially, maybe a week of me time will set me straight.

Oh! This morning I was asked out on a date. A guy who used to be a customer, then worked for us, but went back to being a customer, texted me asking me out to dinner. Obviously not going to happen, but it's always nice when the ego gets boosted like that. *still got it*

hey you, porker

Hope this blog post finds you well.

I'm sitting on the couch looking at boxes of Christmas decorations that need to be put back up into the attic. In the meantime they just make the house look messy. It can be messy for a few days. I'm telling myself that... over and over.

After taking a break from house-related changes, I declared that 2022 is the year that we bring our bedroom into this decade. The bulky old waterbed frame and mismatched furniture don't exactly lend a relaxing vibe. As long as FG can find a deal on the furniture, I'll get my new bedroom.

Also working on the living room situation. The couches and end tables are awkward in the space and I'm just not great at the home styling stuff. I tend to find pieces that serve a purpose but also look pretty, and sometimes those things don't go well together. For example we replaced the gigantic useless coffee table with a storage ottoman, and I love the ottoman but it doesn't match the couches and looks a little off. FG drew the line at new couches (if you give a mouse a cookie), and he's probably right, so I'm going to have to figure it out. I'd almost like to hire Frank's decorator just to have a fresh eye in here. Hm.

The lake house search is ongoing and I'm hoping that after the holidays people put their houses on the market. We have seen a lot of cool houses but we have so many requirements that it will have to be a very specific property for us to really be interested. I'd really also love to not pay for that storage unit every month and drink my coffee with a beautiful view. You know?

That was a lot about houses and home decor. 

Oh, I'm getting my face lasered next week. Hopefully these sun spots and old acne scar discoloration will fade. Not that it's super bad, but I want to try it.

Also about 3 months into using latisse. I asked my eye doctor about dying my eyelashes so I didn't have to wear mascara every day and she said that's a terrible idea and would likely cause a lot of irritation and not be worth it. So she prescribed latisse just to try. Overall I like it. No issues. My lashes are much longer (almost too long), but they're not much darker or thicker. Also my right eye has some scarring along the lash line from when I was a kid, so the growth has always been uneven and that's true now as well. So my lashes are super long but not exactly even. I've also been trying a few mascaras and I have some detailed reviews coming up.

It's also about time to update my wardrobe. I walk in my closet and have "nothing to wear" which means I'm bored with the current choices. Considering trying stitch fix again. Still looking for a good resource for pants because nothing fits anywhere.

I am happy to report that I am still doing daily pushups. I've stalled at 15 but I'm ok with that. We got a gym membership but months later we STILL have not gone. I don't really care and am leaning more towards getting a yoga membership instead. I haven't practiced in months, even at home, and I really do feel better when I do. Plus my job will reimburse the cost of fitness-related expenses so why not?

Work has been slow the last few months. I've learned to TAKE the breaks when they come, because it's only a matter of time before I'll be slammed. We got huge bonuses and I got a good raise this year, so right now I love my job.

Got a little bit of the sniffles going around our house. FG got sick first and we did an at home test for the big C, (fun fact: the tests you get at the drug store are the exact same as the kind used in the hospital labs) and it was negative. His symptoms were mild and ordinarily we wouldn't have bothered to test for it, but we were going to visit his dad who has significant respiratory-related medical issues and we didn't want to take the chance. Anyway whatever he had, I now have, and no matter what you call it, it sucks being sick. Hoping this runs its course fast and doesn't linger like these things tend to do.

hey guys

 A few things.

1. Armpits. The Native deodorant is a champ. I sweat a little, but there is rarely an odor, and I don't have to scrub my pits raw every night trying to get the antiperspirant off. I'm a fan. I'll follow up again in July when it really matters, but for now I'm sold.

2. We have been keeping our eyes on lake houses for over a year now, and have been actively looking since August (pre-approved and ready to pounce), with not much luck. The market is slowing down, but we haven't seen anything we really like. I was really hoping to have a lake house by the end of the year, so here we go: manifesting some badass properties within our budget that will come on the market.

3. My belly continues to mostly behave. I'm so grateful for the calm. I might have found a good combination of diet and supplements. I might even gain some weight! When I feel better and put on a little weight, I feel feminine and soft and sexy. I haven't had curves in a while and I miss them.
It's funny how everyone has different opinions about body image. I hate it when people comment on my body positively when I'm sick and lose weight because I FEEL sickly and bony and gross. It's so weird how people do that anyway.
Starting a new movement: Quit scrutinizing peoples' bodies.
And I swear, if I hear one more person tell me that I'm skinny because I can't eat gluten... Ugh. People are the worst sometimes.

In the meantime, I'm learning to appreciate my body no matter what size I am, no matter if I'm sick or feeling good. I am grateful for a body that wakes up every morning and carries me through life and every glorious experience, no matter what it looks or feels like. That is a big humongous step for me and I'm proud of myself.

4. We were exercising twice a week for a few weeks... and then we took vacations and I traveled for work during weird hours and our schedule went to shit. Trying to get back on track but it's difficult when your schedule keeps changing. At the very least, we do pushups every day and go for nice long evening walks when the weather is nice.

Life has actually been pretty blissful lately. Work is a nice cycle between being busy and then I get a break, we've been traveling to some fun places, our families are happy and healthy, and we are feeling very content and blessed. Taking the opportunity to breathe in and out easily... if you don't count the allergies.

bliss

Today, at approximately 5:30 pm, I looked at FG and said, "There's no one else I'd rather be cranky with in Home Depot."
Which lightened the mood considerably. 

That's the kind of day we had. But really, it was actually pretty good. This weekend was exactly what I wanted it to be. After last weekend's badass trip to Vegas (literally the funnest time I've had in a LONG time... my entire family in Vegas, my little brother getting married, I won $400 on a penny slot, it was just SO FUN), I needed a mellow weekend.

So we slept in, hung around the house, and crossed a bunch of stuff off of our to-do lists. I made watermelon slushies and we set up the pool and stripped to take a dip when it got too hot.

We also took a quick drive through the country to drop off an impromptu gift of an outdoor rug. FG decided that Ash & Collin needed one for their new camper so we crashed their first family vacation in that new camper. It derailed my plans to try out a local wine bar but honestly I think I enjoyed sitting at that picnic table gossiping about dramatic moms in my moomoo more than I would have enjoyed an overpriced glass of wine.

When we got home that night, a broken bottle of wine AND some dog pee had to be cleaned up in the game room, which slopes so both of those things ran downhill for a longer distance than we'd prefer to clean up. Of course this happened AFTER I had mopped and while we were both starving. Fun times.

In conclusion, the shower no longer drips, we upgraded and streamlined the door locks, the floors got cleaned, the roses got pruned, and a bunch of other stuff got crossed off the lists. And I'm happy.

Now I know how to fix a dripping shower. Also I'm ready to plan another trip. I've always wanted to go to Vermont when the leaves change...

love, happiness, prosperity

The first thing we did after waking up this morning was clean up dog pee, then I started my period, and the neighbor backed over the mailbox. Hey, 2021, let's be better than that.

My mantra/affirmation at this moment is love, happiness, and prosperity. I haven't felt like I've needed an affirmation for a while. After the need for reckless optimism waned, I've just been riding the wave of life. Right now I feel like I could use a larger idea to grab onto. Let's cultivate some love, happiness, and prosperity, shall we?

FG and I have been talking about "getting back to the grind" in regards to our diets and physical fitness. This conversation usually happens after he struggles to button his pants or we get winded climbing stairs. The problem is, you can't get back to the grind if there was never a grind to begin with!
We have to start a grind.
There are some immediate challenges... There is a whole room dedicated to becoming a home gym, but it's currently cluttered with random crap and not functional at all. It would be easy to move some things around and make it a workable space, even if it's not perfect.
Diet is easy for me to adjust, but exercise is so hard. I have to focus on what motivates me, so here goes: I'm motivated to get stronger. I noticed that I have trouble lifting my suitcase into the overhead bin on the airplane, which is embarrassing. And I hurt my back trying to close a window the other day. I think I'll start one of those push up challenges, where you do a certain number each day. 

Ok, enough goals for today. 

small luxuries

Lately I've gotten into espresso. On weekdays I still fire up the trusty 5-cup Mr. Coffee that brews automatically at 6:30 am, but on weekends I bust out this little guy.

He takes a while to heat up (especially on FG's electric stove, I miss the gas stovetop already), but after a while he percolates smooth, dark, strong heaven that's worth the wait. 

The clacking of toenails on the floor will announce that the dog (and FG) have woken up, but for now it's me, this glorious cup of coffee, and the purring kitty.

blaze it

My coffeemaker is set to start brewing at 4am.

I'm not happy about it. I fought it, and actually got out of it several times, but I kept getting sucked back into this project because no one else is available right now due to covid travel restrictions.

Big Reference Lab goes live with their instruments tomorrow and we kick off the start of 30-day round-the-clock go-live support. I have to work the 5am shift and also work Saturday, but at least I managed to avoid working overnights...

Work has been busy, busy. Fortunately we are getting hazard pay right now and that's a nice bonus. I handed my current project (which was going beautifully) over to a colleague and it's already messy, but instead of stressing over it, I decided that it's not my problem right now (because it's not). In a few weeks when I pick it back up, I'll deal with the mess. Right now I have this reference lab mess to handle and I don't get paid enough to care about both.

Our trip to Cancun got cancelled so there's no tropical vacation to look forward to at the end of all this, but at least between the hazard pay, the stimulus check, and the complete lack of spending, I have some serious cash stashed away. I'll still happily trade some of it for a gallon of sunscreen and a boozy cabana on a beach.

I need to adjust my sleep schedule to go to bed early, so I spent the day doing EVERYTHING. I didn't let myself relax or slow down all day so that I'd be tired early. I got a ton of stuff done, including a few tasks that have been on my to-do list for a while now.

It's nearing the end of April, and it's almost time to put the house up for sale. That took forever and also came up so fast. Yeah, the market is a little slow right now and I'm also not sure I want strangers walking through my house, but I expect it will pick back up in the next few weeks, right on schedule.

I keep thinking, "I'm so ready to move but I like this cute house and moving is an expensive pain in the ass" and back-and-forth, but at the end of the day I'm moving for some good reasons and I'm ready to find something that works better for me in the long run.

Speaking of the long run, this whole moving process has stimulated lots of back-of-my-mind thought processes involving the future as it involves FG. Because we communicate very well, we have had several discussions about where we are, and what we want, and how we want our lives to progress.

Overall, we are both really happy with me moving closer to him, but I have some reservations about anything beyond that. I'm not super keen on the idea of starting to build a life with him, or anyone. I think living closer together will make daily life easier and buy me some time to be comfortable with the natural process of how relationships progress.

It's very easy to imagine spending the rest of our lives together, but the logistics and realities of that are freaking scary. Living together, merging kitchen gadgets, sharing office space, cell phone bills and bank accounts... that's all fine and dandy until one of you gets mean and crazy and the other one feels trapped in a shitty mentally-abusive situation that's not simple to exit.

History won't repeat itself, will it? I never saw the first shit storm coming, so how on earth can I predict the probability of another one?

That's what I'm resolving internally, still healing from, I guess.
Honestly it's going well.

wrinkles and roots

It's New Year's Eve. How did that happen?
The last few weeks have been more relaxing than I expected. I'm very grateful for that. At this time last year, I was feeling pretty stressed.

I took down Christmas, and am enjoying the blank slate in regards to home decor. I'm in no immediate hurry to put anything back up. The mantel can be bare until inspiration strikes.

I'm trying to outline goals for the next year and I'm having a hard time getting motivated to do anything except just... be. I feel calm and centered and it's hard to look into the future because I keep feeling like I need to focus on the present. Maybe that's a thing.

I know the universe will change things for me, so maybe it is okay to sit for a while and enjoy the lack of movement. There has been enough change in the last few years and it has felt really good to grow some roots.

Anyways.

Yesterday, I was carded while buying a bottle of wine... and wrinkle cream.

I've noticed that the creases around my eyes are getting deeper and stay even when I'm not smiling, so I upgraded my normal skincare routine to include a cream specifically for wrinkles. Yay.

After a little research I wound up buying the Neutrogena Rapid Wrinkle Repair Serum.
(I really like the Olay Regenerist Microsculpting cream- you can literally watch the wrinkles smooth out and redness go away as soon as you put it on), but I want to target dark spots at the same time. So we'll see how this works.

Tonight we have plans to go to a party at a friend's house in the boonies, and I'm halfway excited and halfway would rather sit around Ashley's fire pit. I think FG would normally rather have a calm evening, but since it's the first anniversary of losing his daughter, I think he wants a little distraction and a party does just that.
I do have a new sparkly skirt (and sparkly tights) to wear, so I guess I better start getting excited.

family christmases

Do you know what? This weekend was so great.

Saturday was both FG's family Christmas and Litmas. We purposely planned it that way to get both of our family's Christmases over with in one day. It sounds bad when I put it that way, but I don't really want to go back and figure out how to word it so that it sounds nicer.

It was the absolute worst day to have one of those headaches that makes me want to kill myself, but it worked out that way anyway. I just rallied and tried my best to enjoy myself.

FG's family Christmas was so fun. My house was full of people, most of them driving in from Austin. At one point, the house was full of chaos; loud with people chatting, laughing, opening gifts, kids literally running around at top speed. I sat in the middle of it all and took a moment to sit back and observe.
And you know what? The house was filled with chaos, but it was such a happy chaos. It was like the house was bursting at the seams because of the happiness inside of it. It was wonderful.

Yes, the house was a mess afterward and instead of cleaning up, I took another painkiller, donned my sparkly disco dress, and we piled in the car to Litmas.

FG's brother joined us for the party, which I expected because he's always down for a spontaneous shindig, but his mom and stepdad also decided to join as well. I think they had a good time; Litmas can be a lot to take in but they seemed to take everything in stride. Must be where FG gets it from.

Litmas was so much fun that I didn't take a single picture. We all took a family picture at some point and I think it turned out blurry, but I haven't actually seen it yet. The vibe was happy and festive, and in the middle of the party my dad won Best Lighting in the neighborhood's Christmas light contest. He took a picture with the sign in his full disco costume, afro wig and all. Random stuff like that is what makes the world go round, y'all.

Today we woke up, FG brought me coffee, then I got up to make more coffee for his brother. FG walked around the house with a trash bag, throwing away random wrapping paper and beer cans and such, which was so sweet, and after they left I cleaned up the rest of the house. Took a while but everything is back in order now. I took a hot bath, and watched some Netflix with Pumpkin curled up in my lap. She seems so small but maybe she was just curled up tightly because it's cool outside. I wonder if her joints hurt when it gets cold?

I am not on vacation until Tuesday which means I have to work tomorrow. I actually have to go see a customer, which means I should probably go to sleep soon.

On an unrelated note, there is an entire jar of salsa in my fridge but I don't have any chips and... that's just not right.

chasing the peace

I'm supposed to be watching Netflix, but instead I'm sitting here wondering why I volunteered to host FG's family Christmas at my house the morning before Litmas. To be fair, he was stressing HARD over everything. He's slammed at work, I'm not. His house is a wreck and his decorations are still in the attic, and mine is perfectly clean and already decorated.

See?

The food will be catered, and basically all I have to do is provide seating and clean bathrooms. I can do that in order to infuse a little bit of calm in our lives this Christmas. Besides, I love an excuse to throw a party, even if it is stolen.

I came home tonight instead of tomorrow morning. I've got a glass of wine in front of me, a purring kitty curled up next to me, and I'm so happy to be home.

slow it down

This week has been a super slow work week. I keep trying to schedule things, and nothing happens. By Wednesday I was bored and stir crazy and I accepted that the universe is giving me a slow week and I should embrace it.

So last night I spent the night with FG on his couch catching a wine buzz and watching Friends. Then today I went to the park with my mom, sister, and nephew, and had a wonderful, chill day. I am floored by how much Andrew is talking now. I sat for a while and watched him narrate while he played. What a remarkable, cute kid. He's growing so fast, makes you want to soak him up while he's still little.

Since I have ample time at home, I finished fixing up the guest bathroom. I have to say, that tile and grout sealer is great. The water beads right off and everything is so shiny and clean. I have started on the master bath. The caulk was a lot easier in here, but the tiles are a lot grungier. I'm going to have some serious arm muscles from all this scrubbing.

I took a break from giving Pumpkin steroids to see how she would do. For a few days she did great, but the last few days have been rough. No eating, and when she did eat, I eventually had to clean it up off the floor... and the chair, and the rug, and the bed, etc. Yuck.

Poor kitty is not feeling well. I'll start another round of steroids tomorrow.

It's supposed to cool back down tomorrow and I'm so ready for it.

a little break

Oh, what a glorious day. It's FIFTY TWO degrees. Finally, we get a break in the heat!

I had an office day today, so as soon as the temperature started to drop I opened up every door and window, turned on every fan, and let the fresh air sweep into every corner of the house. I left it that way all day long and I don't even care that there are leaves on the floor because the energy in here feels so good.

Yes, by the way, I wrote that correctly... I had an office day. Not only was I in town, I didn't have to go anywhere. This was a slow week and I'm freaking grateful for the break. Taking every second to breathe because it's only a matter of time before it revs up again. I knew this summer would be busy but I did not anticipate just how busy it would be. It's all good, though, because I did hit Diamond status and I'm okay with a little hotel street cred.

I finally got to the grocery store and re-stocked the pantry and fridge. The shelves were so bare for so long; it's been months since I've had proper food in the house. You know it's dire when there are no beans or even a jar of spaghetti sauce in the pantry. I've been coming home to half-shriveled grapes and a few stale crackers for months. It feels good to revive the kitchen.

I've gotten a lot done to make life feel calmer this week. Getting to sleep in my bed and wake up with a purring cat in my face does wonders for my soul. I even got to wash my bras! It's the little things.

I felt so dang happy and centered today that I took a minute to sage the house, infusing it with positivity, then did some extra-stretchy yoga while Punk took a nap.

It's not possible to do yoga at home unless there is a designated cat perch.

I blocked off tomorrow to hang out with Mah, then on Sunday FG is helping me fix a few more rotted eaves on the house. The previous owners did some half-ass "improvements" that had lead to more damage that I've had to go back and fix. I don't need any kind of bad karma in my life so I'm fixing them properly and it's good to learn but I'd rather not have rotted eaves in the first place, ya know?

Oh, I also had time this week to start working on the guest bathroom. The plan is to fix that (re-caulk, deep clean and seal the tiles) so that I can use it while I'm doing the same thing + painting the master bathroom. The paint swatches have been up so long that I don't even notice them anymore.

Also. I have never lived in a house with a ceiling fan in the kitchen, but it seems like such a fantastic idea. It's always the warmest room in any house, with a need for air circulation... why is this not more common? I think I want to put one in there. But that's further down the list.

I think it's time for a hot bath.