endorphins vs reality

Today I drove home from work dreading the evening.

The family was leaving for MS to see Frankish and go to the funeral. So I was feeling kinda bummed and lonely, and tired.

I was also thinking about how surprised I was that my brother's friend lost control of the car. He was wearing his seat belt, but suffered fatal head injuries. Not complicated. How did that happen? I kept thinking about my accident. As I lost control and saw the freeway spinning in a blur, never once did the thought cross my mind that I was going to die. The potential was definitely there, but it was just not something I considered.
I wonder what he was thinking? Was he like me, so faithful that he would not be hurt? Or was he terrified that he was going to die? I just can't believe such a young, good person died so suddenly.
I really feel like he needed to walk away like I did.

Coupled with a bad night's sleep and the fact that I haven't heard from Chris since he flew back to CA on Sunday had me in a weepy kind of mood.

Anyway, those thoughts were going through my head when I decided to go work out. I figured the endorphins would help.

And you know what? They did. It was just a light workout but I felt so much brighter afterward.

And even now, I can reflect back on those somber thoughts and my soul doesn't feel quite so weighed down and heavy. But oh, my heart breaks for that kid, and for my brother and everyone else who is mourning.

why?

I don't know why I've heard about so much tragedy happening to good people lately.

First the news about my old roommate, then an old friend, and last night a close friend of my brother's was killed in a car accident. He's absolutely devastated. I want so bad to make him feel better.

I've never lost someone that close, so I can't even imagine how he's feeling. And there's nothing I can do to help. All day long my mom was crying, my other brother was upset, and there was a general feeling of mourning around the house.

A true tragedy. He was so young. My heart aches for everyone who knew him.

really good wine

Really good wine.

Like really good.

Really good cheese, surprisingly good edamame, and decent free redbox movie. Thanks to Jen for the code to use at Walgreens- dvd at wag (no spaces) gets you a free rental at a walgreens redbox.

I heart Missy and her trips to "The Whole Foods" and a really nice mellow night.

check it

In a much better mood today. Maybe because I anticipated the shit-ness today. And because we have AC again. I handled it much better.

So my after-work routine consists of having a light snack if I need one, and drinking my green tea while reading blogs and checking facebook. It does wonders for decompressing after a long day. I just need 10 minutes to sit in front of my computer and chill before I get back to life.

Then I go whatever- pay bills, go work out (some days), take a shower, make dinner, and prepare for work the next day. That includes packing lunch, getting the coffeemaker ready, and picking out my clothes. Yes, I wear scrubs every day but if I pick them out beforehand (including bra, socks and undies), my morning goes really smooth. I need all the smooth I can get at 4am.

I'm usually vegged out and ready for bed at around 7. Lately I've been falling asleep and not waking up until the alarm goes off. That includes not getting up to pee, and not hearing phone calls or text messages. I used to hear them and wake up. Now I'm out cold.

Today my routine will be slightly interrupted. Today is my amazing mom's birthday!!

Also, I'm an auntie once again! Sweet baby Chloe was born yesterday. <3


I'M SO GLAD TOMORROW IS FRIDAY/PAYDAY!!!

extreme annoyance

Me: What happened to the sprayer on the hose?

Mom: What do you mean?


... ... ...

Really... is there anything that it could possibly mean except that there's no sprayer on the hose? What a dumbass question to ask. Especially after a day full of sweaty breaking machines bullshit frustration fighting tears while trying to fix shit and to top it off a tank of gas that took a trickle 30 minutes to fill up. FUCK.

I don't think I've ever said so many curse words at work. Frustration turned to anger. Then after I got so mad for so long, I couldn't be mad anymore and I just wanted to cry. Then shit just keeps piling up and WON'T STOP, only making it worse.




Can you tell I'm pissy today?

goings on and stuff

Still so sluggish. Like how you feel right before you get sick. No sick!

And the GODDAMN air conditioning is still out in the lab, which was fine when it was freezing outside. Now that it's warm and humid again the lab is like fricken 80 degrees. Instant crabby. Especially when the temperature causes drifts on the dinosaur chemistry analyzer and you have to stop everything to calibrate. Today we had to re-calibrate CO2 and immediately after I ran QC and put patient samples back on, we had a potassium drift. A few curse words followed. I'm sure people walk by the lab and hear profanity all the time. I should probably watch that...

I dragged my sluggish crabby ass to see Ash at Chanel after work (not "the mall") and I had fun watching her eat dinner and picking out some pretty undies at VS. I heart my seeeester. She makes me feel better.

Finally figured out how many student loans I have and who I have to pay them back to. 5 different lenders. I need to consolidate but have no idea how. Anyone have an extra 30 grand so I can just get them all paid off at once?   : D

mon

I miss my [handsome, goofy, strong, clever, amazing] valentine. April 16th can't come fast enough.

Enough shmoop.

Green tea, workout, skinny winner dinner with my cat.

I'm really tired today. Just dragging.