Promotions

I'm sitting in a hotel room soaking my toe and there's no cat trying to drink the water.

Traveling for work is different now that there's someone nice that I leave at home.

So, Foxy Grandpa has been promoted to Foxy Fiancé. It wasn't a huge surprise because I literally gave him pictures of rings that I liked a few months ago, but I honestly thought he was going to sit on it for a while.

The thought did cross my mind that he might propose that night, because with both of our families gathered it would be a good time to do it. But I kept watching him the day of, looking for signs of excess excitement or nervousness, or anything out of the ordinary, but he was cool as a cucumber so I figured it wasn't the night... until he was down on one knee!

I wouldn't say I'm in a hurry to get married, but I'm not trying to dawdle, either. I'm ready. I'm also not trying to spend a bunch of money but I do want to do all the wedding stuff that I missed out on the last time. We'll see how this works out.

Speaking of promotions, I got a promotion at work that came with a hefty 8% raise so heck yeah! The current plan is to put the excess into my retirement plan because now that I'm about to marry someone 15 years older than me, early retirement is the goal. I'll be damned if he retires and I keep going to work for 15 more years.

hey I'm tired

Dude. Apparently it's too much for me to manage one household and establish another at the same time. We've been spending every weekend at the river, trying to get things in order, and during the week we're so busy that we can barely figure out what to eat for dinner.

I have been working nonstop. Between actual work and projects at home and the river, I haven't had a moment's rest. Well, not if you count the alternating afternoon power nap or iced coffee to get me through the rest of the day. I'm stretched pretty thin lately.

I need a relaxing day where I don't do any work or host- just laze around and read magazines and do a craft and take naps. So I looked at my calendar, hoping to schedule it on the weekend or take a PTO day, and I'm looking at August before I can catch a break. Oh. Okay.

I'm so tired that I told FG to call the house cleaners. This is a big deal. He used to use them a lot but I do a better job than they do and I enjoy cleaning, so we haven't called them in a long time.

I'm at the point where I don't have the time or the energy and the house is a freaking mess and it's stressing me out. So they came today while we tackled approximately 1,000 projects that we've been ignoring at home while focusing on the river house. And you know what? It's not perfect but it's clean enough. I'm noticing clean things that I didn't have to do: There's no cat hair on the lamp shade on my desk! Nothing sticks to my bare feet as I walk around the house! They even cleaned under the couches, which I would never do. Well worth the money. I'm so grateful.

In the meantime FG and I (and the cat) are covered in sawdust but we put thin strips on the new fence between every picket so it has privacy and I can garden naked if I want (and I do), and the flower beds are actually going in, yay!

And the bedsheets are clean and the bed was magically made while I shoveled dirt and picked up stray nails and cigarette butts in the backyard in the 100+ heat.

Tomorrow we pick back up on the projects bright and early, but because of the insane heat we decided to take a mid-day break and I get to go see my sister and parents. I'm embracing these mini-breaks where I can.

Also, I mentioned before that FG and I have been snipping at each other a lot lately, and it's started to put a strain on our relationship. I'm trying to nip this in the bud and have really tried to maintain a positive attitude and treat him with more kindness than usual, especially when tensions start to get high. 

And it's working! It turns out, when the cycle of crabiness is broken, it's broken. 

...thank goodness.

oh hey it's june

Two days after my last post, we looked at a house on the river, put in an offer (lots of $ over asking), and after a LOT of drama, we closed in 13 days (to keep a decent interest rate). Whew.

But Woo River House! I love it. I want to be there all the time. It's beautiful. It's been a lot of work so far, but the major stuff is almost done and then the ratio of work: relaxing should be a little better.

Probably due to the amount of stress in the last month, I've found myself more cranky lately. FG and I have definitely been on edge, in general and towards each other. Great, we buy a house together and NOW we start not getting along.
A big one lately is that his smoking has really been bothering me. Not that it's my business but it gets on my nerves, for many reasons. Currently attempting a relationship reset. Sex is usually a good place to start- we generally bicker when it's been a while...

Pumpkin has tolerated her new pain meds very well. A few times I've wondered whether it's time to put her down, but she bounces back and I change my mind. Some days are just rough when you're old.

it's only tuesday

First order of business. FG is on Day 3 of a cruise and at first I wasn't sure what to do with myself. I used to live alone and I loved it! What did I do?? (Psst. I drank a lot more than I do now)

So far I have spring cleaned the house, including windows, ceiling fans, floors, and baseboards. I've done all the laundry, including rugs, throw blankets, dog beds, and pillows.

I've also started painting my desk and have moved my office into FG's office in the meantime. I feel like Ron Burgundy working from that huge desk with 3 monitors, 2 keyboards, and several mice.

My taxes are done, I baked a bunch, exhausted social media, watched some tv, and should probably schedule some work stuff for the rest of the week.

I do miss FG and his company and I will be happy when he is home...

But, I do enjoy being able to fart at will, cooking only when I feel like it, having control over the remote. and snuggling with Pumpkin at night. She is so much more calm during the day when she's not locked up at night.

I already knew that I would hate a cruise, but that has been confirmed. FG said that you can feel the boat moving, and the dining options are plentiful and gluten-ful. Not exactly my cup of tea on either account. 

Happy to be on dry land with my own kitchen, embracing the solitude. After feeling so burnt out socially, maybe a week of me time will set me straight.

Oh! This morning I was asked out on a date. A guy who used to be a customer, then worked for us, but went back to being a customer, texted me asking me out to dinner. Obviously not going to happen, but it's always nice when the ego gets boosted like that. *still got it*

division of labor

Last night, something happened.

I was brushing my teeth when FG walked up to wash his hands. He tried the soap dispenser, and no soap came out. He looked at me and said, "The soap dispenser needs to be refilled."

I continued brushing my teeth for a few seconds before I realized that the casual comment was directed at me. Like it was my job to fill the soap dispenser. I told him that he was more than welcome to refill it, and continued brushing my teeth.

I thought about why that happened. Since I moved in, I've been the one who does most of the cleaning. It's just what I naturally do. I like to clean, and I kind of took it over, to the point where I guess FG started to expect it. 

The problem is, if I do all the work, that's what the expectation becomes. He's a grown man who is perfectly capable of helping maintain the household, yet I'm taking care of all of it. I think it's time to take a step back and start requesting a little more balance when it comes to house cleaning. 

We'll see how long it takes before the soap dispenser gets refilled. 

not all roses

I'm going to bitch for a little bit.

I'm sitting here in a hotel room, by myself, with some dumb movie on mute, drinking some employer-purchased wine. I like this part of my job. I'm happy.

If I'm being honest, I needed a break from home.

Yesterday, I was in such a funk. For the dumbest reason. It was such a beautiful day but the house was so gloomy and I was sitting in the living room getting more and more pissed off about it.

I really like living with FG, but I really don't like this house. I'm trying to get over it because we've made a lot of progress updating it and honestly it's just a house, but some days it gets to me...like on a beautiful sunny day that still feels gloomy even when there are lamps everywhere and the house is still a cave.
And when the dog (ugh, the dog) pisses on the floor and now there's a big wrinkle in the laminate, forever. And when we can't brush our teeth at the same time because of the bachelor pedestal sink on the master bath (that is constantly covered in beard hairs). And that ugly un-cozy bed. And even though I'm getting the hang of cooking on an electric stove, I hate how I'll cook an egg and the house smells like it for 6 hours because there's no exhaust fan. You get the picture. For some reason yesterday, it snowballed.

Then I went into the backyard to start planning my garden to cheer myself up, and it was a mess because the handyman that FG keeps hiring is a giant basket case. I literally begged FG not to hire this guy again and sure enough, there have been several times during this project when I was SURE they were going to start punching each other. What should have taken a week has taken 6 weeks and it's STILL not done and in the meantime it's chaos.

I walked around the house getting more and more annoyed by every little thing. So I sat in the front yard for a while in the sunshine while the dog and the cat sniffed around and it was cute and my mood lightened. 

Then we had to go to home depot and I was ready but FG was not, so I grabbed my cross stich and started working on it. I think the majority of this piece has been done because I picked it up when I'm waiting on FG.

I wait on him a lot. I feel like a large part of the rest of my life will consist of waiting on FG. This is something that has been evident from day one, and I know what I signed up for, but he literally does nothing quickly. I asked him the other day to think of something he does quickly, and we still haven't thought of anything. It's quite a contrast to my own, multitasking, most-efficient-way-possible way of doing things. At least I've found something to occupy all that time waiting on him. It's pretty enjoyable now. See? Adaptation. 

Eventually we went to home depot, and we were both cranky. Not at each other, really. Just in general. Some poor guy approached us to sell us something related to air conditioning, and when I told him that we were not in the mood, his face was hilarious and he quickly retreated.

All the time that I was cranky yesterday, I kept searching for the root cause. Did I regret moving in with FG? Was it about him? Was this living situation not for me? Did I need different surroundings?
There was a point where I thought that maybe I'd be happier if I was on my own again. I really liked living alone, making all of my decisions for myself, no one stifling me. I even thought about looking at some real estate listings. Although moving out would mean ending this relationship, I considered it because of the potential peace it would bring.

Then, I thought about some advice that my sister told me once: if you're always secretly looking for an escape route, or have a backup plan, how is it ever going to work?

This is the way forward in a relationship, and when you merge two complete lives, there will be some days like this that require reflection and adjustment. And when I really thought about it, the life I'm building with FG is worth the cranky day along the way. My favorite part of every day is waking up next to him and hitting the snooze button for snuggles... do I want to trade that for a sunny house that has wood-tile floors and a gas stove? No. Not really.
  
What I really want is the sunny house with wood-tile floors, a gas stove, AND him. So there it is... I like nice shit and I want it all. But in the meantime I gotta keep things in perspective and find a way to embrace the blessings in the here and now.

BUT. If I ever live by myself again, my favorite part of that will be the absence of pee dribbles on the toilet rim and floor. There's no changing that.

life with a foxy grandpa

I've spent a lot of time lately evaluating my emotions when it comes to this relationship with FG. 

I've had some dreams lately where FG is suddenly mean to me, and I'm crushed because that means I have to end our relationship and pack up all my stuff (AGAIN) and move, and start my life over alone. Because I'd rather be alone than mistreated (Duh. Took me long enough to figure that one out). In my dreams ultimately I'm happy and okay on my own. 

This is obviously my subconscious dealing with the massive pain from Chris and how I'm evolving into another type of committed relationship. It didn't go so well the last time and my brain is like, "Hey, we're going to think about this stuff." 

Sometimes I still feel sad that my marriage went to shit, because I loved him like wow and I still can't really figure out what went wrong. As FG says, "You can't make sense of crazy" and that's often where I leave everything because there's no other explanation.

In the meantime, there have been several times where something has happened- I made a mistake or broke something or made a teasing comment, and I braced myself, waiting for FG to call me stupid, or mock me, or get mad, or stop talking to me, or withhold affection.

But that never happens. It turns out, most of my concerns about living with FG were based on my experience living with Chris, and I'm realizing now that maybe my only experience with living with a man was terribly skewed in an emotionally fucked up direction and that's NOT how life has to be.

I'm learning that not only can cohabitation be peaceful, it can be downright wonderful.

A few examples:

When I clean something, instead of asking me why I'm such a clean-freak spazz in a condescending way, FG THANKS ME for cleaning and tells me how nice it looks when I'm done.

On those days when FG gets up before me, a hot cup of coffee appears on my nightstand in-between snoozes. And the cat gets fed. Sometimes, the litter box even gets scooped.

Every single day, no exaggeration, he tells me that he appreciates me. Every meal I cook, I get thanked. Every time I leave the house, he tells me I look pretty. If he goes for a solo walk on the beach on vacation while I sleep in, he draws our names in the sand with a heart and takes a picture to put on social media. If he starts to power wash the driveway, this happens: 

It's so consistent that after my skepticism has waned, I am starting to think that I met a person who also feels like this is the way life can be- all the time. His "spoil the other person" style completely matches mine. I am here for it.

So, in conclusion, FG is a good man, and I think we can build a good life together and be happy spoiling each other for a long time. That's the plan.

Updates on all the things

Writing this from my office. I usually blog from the couch but I sold my coffee table.

The garage sale was a lot. It was hectic and fun and hot and in the end, I made $175 and got rid of a lot of random stuff, including the bed and mattress in the guest room, most of the furniture, lots of home decor and kitchen items, and the Christmas stuff went super quick.

Ashley and I had bets on what would sell and what wouldn't. I won on the bags of socks and the girdle. People buy some weird stuff at the right price.

I was surprised that some 50 cent crystal wineglasses did not sell. I wound up keeping those. I have enough wine glasses, but that was obviously the universe saying that I should keep them.

Other news:

House- Still no appraisal. Not sure if that will delay closing and I'm tired of keeping my house clean. Went and looked at 2 houses that came on the market and neither one was right so the hunt is still on. Considering a remodel but... oh that's a lot.

Relationship- Been helping FG de-clutter and move things around in his house so that it can be painted. He wanted to refresh Nicole's room, so he sold the furniture and we cleared it all out. We will put my current bedroom furniture in there, since I was considering selling it anyway, and get a new bed. I felt a little sad when I took her clothes out of the closet. She had a cute style. Sweet girl. I wish I could have known her better. 

It's been kinda weird bc we are also planning for when I move in temporarily until I find my house. He's been clearing out space in his dresser and talking about where the litter box will go, things like that. 

So we're making plans for the immediate "when I move in until I find a house" and also for the future "when I move in forever" and the lines get blurred sometimes and we both forget that the current plan is that I'm still looking for another house. 

I still think that it feels right to move in with him, and I'm very tempted to commit, but also like that safety net so I haven't said anything yet.

Travel- I think we will cancel our trip to San Diego because the flights got screwed up and the city is mostly still shut down due to Covid. That's ok, because the timing is not great and Dad needs to come see us anyway.

Work- BIG NEWS! I checked my email tonight and we officially got word that Big Reference Lab does NOT need continuous support anymore! Yay! What a huge weight lifted off our shoulders. Whew.

Punk- She decided to start eating again. Of course I mixed some tuna in with her wet food.

That's all I have for now.

questioning everything

I think it's terrible that we live in a society where, when something happens, the first thing I do is question the validity of the information. 

Is this something blown way out of proportion as a political move? Another sensationalized news story to distract from another issue? The conspiracy theories are sounding more plausible than what we're fed by the media and (ugh) social media.

Also, this is 2020. Wash your hands, cover your cough, and no one should be fighting for equal rights regarding race, gender, sexuality, etc. Enough already! I'm sick of the circus. I'm becoming increasingly disgusted by humanity and the corrupt societies that we build... and support.

In other news...

House- The buyer and I came to an agreement which involves more money out of my pocket, and some slightly shady under-the-table stuff, but when it's over I'll still be pretty happy to get this house off my shoulders. Today we went and looked at a really, really cute house but it smelled like cigarette smoke, like they smoked inside. You can never get that smell out of a house. Uck. Not meant to be.

Relationship- There has been constant thought and discussion regarding the living situation, mostly on my part because FG knows what he wants and is waiting patiently for my brain to calm down. Here's the most recent update:

We have had many discussions about the logistics of living together and it evolved to the point where it seemed like I would move into FG's house, because it works. To the point where I know which room will be my office and we are choosing paint colors to repaint the whole house. It's actually been a lot of fun.

But. In our most recent conversation, I told him that I didn't feel like I was 100% there yet. I felt rushed. I didn't want to risk ruining our relationship because we moved too fast for me. I needed to make sure it felt right before I made this big huge life change and commitment. At the end of our conversation we agreed that I should still buy a house near him and live in it until we're ready to merge lives for good. Which we are both confident will happen, I just need a little bit more time.

It's funny though, because once we had that talk, most of my hesitations went away and living with him didn't seem so scary. Once I actually got the extra time, I didn't feel like I needed it.

WTF, brain.

I hesitate to tell him all of this because I've been so back and forth he might just think I'm nuts... which I might be. I might sit quietly on these thoughts for a while and see how they evolve.

I figure what will happen is I will find a great house and if I want to move into it, then my gut is saying take more time. If I don't want to move into it, then my gut is saying it's time to start building a life with FG.

There ya go. Moving on.

Travel- We're going to take that long weekend vacation in Key West and we've booked a bunch more trips. Making up for lost travel time!

Work- I get a week of PTO on the horizon so I'm going to enjoy our trip, then get ready to sell most of my crap in the garage sale and spend as much time with Pumpkin as I can.

Punk- She's had a rough few days. Hasn't been eating much and mostly takes naps in the heated cat bed. She's done this before and bounced back, but she's so much skinnier now and I feel guilty leaving her alone for a few days. I don't want her dying alone but I hear animals do that, so it is what it is. 

Right now she's curled up in the sunbeam covering her eyes, looking happy.

Friday whew

My stomach is bothering me and I'm out of CBD so I tried one of those edibles that we smuggled back from Vegas on our last trip. Well, about 1/20th of an edible. I'm so cautious about stuff like that. I'll be taking a personal drug test tomorrow and in the meantime, hoping that little nibble is enough to settle my stomach. I don't want to get high, I just want some digestive relief!

House/Relationship update:

I think it's odd that I've been keeping an eye on the real estate market since January, watching cute houses come and go in FG's neighborhood, but now, when I'm ready to buy one, there are NO houses on the market. What the hell. FG says the universe is telling me to move in with him. Not only would it be financially better for both of us, but I would get coffee in bed every morning. And when the mortgage is paid off in a few years we can get a lake house. Great plan, right?

Well, we had another talk about that and I openly aired all of my concerns. After our talk, I feel better. If I moved in I, he agreed that I can change whatever I want, redecorate, organize, make it more "ours" instead of "his," and he's ok with it. I can probably deal with that but I suppose we'll see what the universe has to say. 

Right now I would really like my own space and I don't really want to make Pumpkin (or myself) live with a dog.

BUT first- I have to wait out this option period. I've heard nothing since the inspections, and I'm trying not to get too anxious.

Work update:

I worked my last scheduled 5am shift and holy shit I'm tired. I hit a wall today. I can't do this anymore and I'm glad it's over, or at least I get a break. I have a couple of things scheduled for next week and then I'm hoping to get some office days. 

And THEN, I'm on PTO for a week and we're supposed to go to Key West. We considered rescheduling due to the covid madness, but things are opening up and we need a break. Even if we have to hang out on the balcony socially distant with grocery store wine, I think the change in scenery is necessary. 

Ok, I'm starting to feel more relaxed. G'nite.

blaze it

My coffeemaker is set to start brewing at 4am.

I'm not happy about it. I fought it, and actually got out of it several times, but I kept getting sucked back into this project because no one else is available right now due to covid travel restrictions.

Big Reference Lab goes live with their instruments tomorrow and we kick off the start of 30-day round-the-clock go-live support. I have to work the 5am shift and also work Saturday, but at least I managed to avoid working overnights...

Work has been busy, busy. Fortunately we are getting hazard pay right now and that's a nice bonus. I handed my current project (which was going beautifully) over to a colleague and it's already messy, but instead of stressing over it, I decided that it's not my problem right now (because it's not). In a few weeks when I pick it back up, I'll deal with the mess. Right now I have this reference lab mess to handle and I don't get paid enough to care about both.

Our trip to Cancun got cancelled so there's no tropical vacation to look forward to at the end of all this, but at least between the hazard pay, the stimulus check, and the complete lack of spending, I have some serious cash stashed away. I'll still happily trade some of it for a gallon of sunscreen and a boozy cabana on a beach.

I need to adjust my sleep schedule to go to bed early, so I spent the day doing EVERYTHING. I didn't let myself relax or slow down all day so that I'd be tired early. I got a ton of stuff done, including a few tasks that have been on my to-do list for a while now.

It's nearing the end of April, and it's almost time to put the house up for sale. That took forever and also came up so fast. Yeah, the market is a little slow right now and I'm also not sure I want strangers walking through my house, but I expect it will pick back up in the next few weeks, right on schedule.

I keep thinking, "I'm so ready to move but I like this cute house and moving is an expensive pain in the ass" and back-and-forth, but at the end of the day I'm moving for some good reasons and I'm ready to find something that works better for me in the long run.

Speaking of the long run, this whole moving process has stimulated lots of back-of-my-mind thought processes involving the future as it involves FG. Because we communicate very well, we have had several discussions about where we are, and what we want, and how we want our lives to progress.

Overall, we are both really happy with me moving closer to him, but I have some reservations about anything beyond that. I'm not super keen on the idea of starting to build a life with him, or anyone. I think living closer together will make daily life easier and buy me some time to be comfortable with the natural process of how relationships progress.

It's very easy to imagine spending the rest of our lives together, but the logistics and realities of that are freaking scary. Living together, merging kitchen gadgets, sharing office space, cell phone bills and bank accounts... that's all fine and dandy until one of you gets mean and crazy and the other one feels trapped in a shitty mentally-abusive situation that's not simple to exit.

History won't repeat itself, will it? I never saw the first shit storm coming, so how on earth can I predict the probability of another one?

That's what I'm resolving internally, still healing from, I guess.
Honestly it's going well.

so much stuff and updates.

I am sitting here, at my bar, absolutely ready for bed at 8pm on a Tuesday.

You know what I'm NOT doing? Packing. 

Last week, during my last-minute trip to Laredo, my boss asked for volunteers to work 3-11pm in Dallas the night before Thanksgiving. It's not normally something we do, but this VIP customer has been having some issues and has 24/7 onsite support right now. I offered, and to my dismay, he accepted! I was trying to be a team player, hoping that someone else had already volunteered, but nope. 

To recap, I drove to Laredo and back, then drove to San Antonio and back, then planned to drive to Dallas and back, Austin and back, and then back to San Antonio and back, all within a span of 3 weeks. My hips hurt just thinking about it. Seriously, the muscles in my leg that are involved in pushing the gas pedal are sore and have been since April. I have been taking my yoga mat with me and focus on hip and leg stretches in the evenings. There has to be such a thing as driving ergonomics. I should look that up.

Anyway, I prepared for another hectic week and psyched myself up for it, then today I got a text message saying that it wouldn't be necessary to go to Dallas. THANK GOD, because that was going to be rough and I am feeling pretty exhausted.

Now I get some breathing room, and I am so grateful for it.

I am still working in San Antonio next week and the promise of working locally for the rest of the year got rescheduled so now anything can happen.

FG's schedule also changed today. He was supposed to leave Thursday to go hunting all weekend, but now he is here on Thanksgiving, so we get to enjoy the day together at Ashley's mother-in-law's and that is so nice.

Even though things are falling into place, it's not how I planned this Thanksgiving/ birthday season to go. I had hoped to take another trip with Suze and skip Thanksgiving and spend my 35th birthday in some new cool place, but for various reasons it didn't work out. Now that it's here I'm glad I don't have a trip planned, because I'm burnt out on traveling for the moment... work-related or not.

In a fun twist, every member of my family will be out of town on my birthday, as well as FG. I might very well spend my birthday alone! I'm normally pretty chill about birthdays, but 35 feels like a significant one. I am so tired of driving, but am heavily leaning towards going to see Suzy and Kenzie in Austin, just for the night.

I was craving a night out dancing, but pretty much got that out of my system at Missy's bachelorette party last weekend. Towards midnight, my feet, hips, and knee were hurting and I was ready for bed. I was going to suck it up and keep the party going because I wanted Missy to have a fun night, but then I saw Zach yawn and I silently thanked him because I knew it wouldn't be long before we went back to the hotel. Ha, I was right.

Oh! The plants I was growing for the shower all lived and the shower was absolutely lovely.

The bridal party all wore purple and cowboy boots, and I suggested that FG wear this interesting shiny purple shirt he had hanging in his closet... I mean, when is there going to be another appropriate occasion for that??

I love that he's totally down for wearing coordinating clothing for things like wedding showers. Gosh, he's cute.

Also, Pumpkin has been acting like a normal cat again. Eating, playing, etc. Not sure why things turned around, but I'm glad they have. 

A bunch of random stuff

Have you heard the news?? (of course you have.)

I'M GOING TO BE AN AUNTIE TO A LITTLE BABY GIRL!!!
*cue ribbons and bows and glitter*

I am so happy about further solidifying my auntie status, and I would be plenty thrilled if it was another boy, but I sure am excited about this niece.

I had so much swirling through my head yesterday and I thought, "I should blog," but I was too tired to blog. Now that I'm sitting in front of the computer, I can't remember what I wanted to write about.
Maybe it's the excitement of the baby girl. (GAH!)

It was a busy weekend. I really wanted some downtime but somehow had planned my whole weekend, all of it with FG.

Now. I adore him, but it seems like lately he demands a lot of my time, and I get it because I've been gone so much, but this weekend I resented it for a little bit. I like my Me Time and I got none. And I haven't had any for a while.

I did offer to help him do a few repairs on his rent house, because I actually enjoy that type of stuff and he was stressing about it. Then we had social plans Saturday night and he was having a family dinner on Sunday that he wanted me to attend/bring a side.
Normally that would actually be a fun weekend, but after traveling all week I didn't want such a packed schedule. I felt super annoyed at one point, but I was able to vent to Ashley and I quickly shifted my grudge. A lot of that was my own doing... none of it was actually his fault and he's just a sweet guy who wants to spend time with me... Literally I tried to leave Sunday after dinner and he asked if I would just sit on the couch with him for a minute. I did, because nothing is so important that I can't spare a few minutes on the couch, but I was torn because I was enjoying sitting on the couch but was also thinking about how I needed to get to Petsmart before they closed because I was out of cat food.

It's just that lately I feel like I'm being stretched in so many directions. Traveling Monday through Friday leaves only 2 days to take care of everything and it's not enough. It doesn't help that I have plans every weekend from now until the end of September. Some of them are more relaxing/fun plans, like glamping at our friends' property and a trip to Denver, but they are obligations nonetheless.

I think I've pinpointed what I need: a few days with NO PLANS. I equate relaxation with no obligations; I like to simply wake up and do whatever I feel like doing at that moment. I think that if I'm able to spend a little bit of time in town, at home, I won't feel so overwhelmed by weekend plans, but I still blocked off a weekend towards the end of September for pure ME time. Reading magazines, painting, shopping, whatever I feel like doing. Don't ask me to schedule anything, I'll decide 5 minutes beforehand what I'm doing.

Today, what a treat, I got to stay in town. I got a ton of work stuff done in the office, plus I was able to get so much personal stuff done. It's so nice being home. I get to do things like go to the grocery store and pet Pumpkin and go to my brother's house for his baby's gender reveal. (OMG time to start shopping for a little baby girl!)

A couple other things:

Pumpkin- I've noticed lately that if I'm up and doing stuff around the house, Pumpkin will follow me around and meow until I sit down on the couch and pet her. Poor kitty, she just wants some attention. Right now she's on the bar stool next to me, purring. She's doing much better with the daily steroids. Still not eating a whole lot, but overall she seems happier and healthier.

Something to note- I really love how FG has confidence in me. Like, I told him that I was really good at caulking (hello, experience). And even though he is a very particular guy, he didn't question me. When I offered to replace the caulk in the bathrooms at the rent house, instead of acting hesitant or wanting to supervise to make sure, he simply said, "Okay," handed me the caulk, and left to go fix the ceiling fan in the bedroom. Then when I was done, he highly praised my caulking skills, although I'm not sure if it was because it looked really great (it did), or he just wanted to take advantage of the obvious innuendo.
Perhaps both. Which is just another reason to like him.

rough-ish.

Whew. Today was stressful.

Un-cooperative instruments, anxious customers, tight timelines, cranky technology, etc. I finally had to take a moment and decide that I was done for the day because I was getting too frustrated to be productive. (Un)fortunately, the customer was in the same place.

I am missing home. But, tonight I take a few deep breaths, adapt, and embrace the hotel points. It certainly helps my morale after a tough day to have a nice meal, courtesy of this awesome full kitchen.

Currently sipping lots of wine after enjoying some pork chops and green beans, trying to relax and figure out the best way to resolve these problems and make this customer happy.

I should just do some yoga and leave it all up to the universe... I will try it on this questionable hotel carpet and scratchy bath towel, but I miss my soft cozy yoga space and my cat so much.

Listening to the playlist we're putting together for the engagement party. It's cute and full of lovey songs. It's helping my mood.

Speaking of lovey playlists, lately I've had plenty of long drives down empty roads with the radio turned off, left alone with my thoughts.

It's remarkable that many times, they turn to Chris.

Now, now. It's not like that.

I think of our relationship. How messy it was, right from the start. I think of the mistakes I made and how obvious the red flags were. I think of how things might be if we had made different choices... then I think that things probably would have turned out this way regardless of our choices.

Still, there's been a lot of coming to terms with the way things did turn out. I really did love him and I really did commit, with all my heart, to spending the rest of my life with him. And it really did destroy a part of me to have to dismantle that life with him. But that's all part of my path, I guess.
I'm stronger and happier now.

I think it's crazy that I was absolutely certain that we would happily grow old together and have many adventures together, and now... he is a stranger and I wonder what his life is like. I wonder how he is doing... if he's struggling, or if he's happy. I hope he's happy.

I think of the path things took and how stark the contrast is when you consider the way my life is now. I'm having adventures with a very different person than I thought I would, and it blows my mind sometimes and I'm so absolutely happy about it.

I feel strong and independent even though I'm in that place where I'm sharing my life with someone. This feels much better than anything else I've experienced. I don't feel stifled. I feel like I have my own identity; I don't feel like my identity or self-worth is dependent on anyone else.
Why did it take me 34 years to figure that out?

Anyway, I intended to bitch about my rough day but instead this post got real deep. Time for a shower. G'nite.

shmilestones

Time has gone by so fast. I don't feel the need to make a big deal out of it, because certain kinds of shmoop are unnecessary, but I would like to acknowledge that it's officially been a year since I texted FG and asked if he wanted to have dinner. Towards the end of our date, he leaned back in his chair and said, "I like you."

An early indicator of his superb communication skills, haha.

Turns out, cute older dudes (who turn out to be grandpas) are my jam. Well, at least this one is. He really is sunshine and happiness, in the form of a foxy, sweet man who brings me a lot of flowers and I'm digging it.

I fully believe the universe placed him into my life for a reason and I'm immensely grateful for all of the small but wonderful things that I've experienced as a result of him being around. I've had a lot of fun this past year, and I do not mind if he sticks around for a while.

P.S. I don't care if I have dated him for a year, I'm still not calling him my boyfriend. I absolutely hate that term but I can't figure out another appropriate word. I think it's so weird for a grown-ass woman to call a grown-ass man her boyfriend. Ugh. Not doing it.

P.P.S. Also on a completely unrelated note, I saw a roadrunner today. I was driving to Laredo in the middle of nowhere and he (appropriately), was running across the road. I'm glad I didn't hit him.

on track

In case you were wondering, all of the inspections are done on the new house (not without drama, of course). It was a ridiculously busy week with all kinds of hurriedness, plus a flat tire on Friday that completely screwed up all my plans.

Today Helen and I looked at each other and nodded our heads, agreeing that it was a good idea that I move forward with the purchase. Yes, it is an old house so of course it needs some work, but I knew that. But I'm happy because I know exactly what work needs to happen. So, let's rock and roll!

Focusing on packing. It doesn't seem like a lot but it kind of is. I opted against a packing party this weekend because there are still 11 days until closing and I still need to live here. Perhaps next weekend? I talked to my boss and I can take a couple days off work because now I have some backup.

Trying to get on Chris to get his pod delivered sooner than later so I can get his stuff out of here and only worry about myself.

Because the plan is to wake up in my new house in less than 2 weeks. GAH! So much to do.

P.S. I have a hot date with foxy grandpa tomorrow. We're going to an axe throwing range (different, right?) and then to dinner. He planned it all. He wasn't sure about the restaurant so he called to make sure they could do gluten free food. THEN an hour later he called again to talk to a different person just to make sure their answers matched.

If that's not swoon-worthy, I don't know what is.

big stuff

It's been a big couple of days.

Yesterday the judge granted our divorce. In the span of less than 5 minutes, I swore to give the whole truth so help me God, my lawyer asked me a few questions, and it was done. I spent a couple hours on the phone with HR and need to change the beneficiaries on a few things, but it's done.
No tears. I spent some time thinking about regrets, but overall I managed to keep it together. Because, honestly, I WAS together. This was something I've feared for a long time but was also a long time coming. I feel like overall it was a good decision, although still an emotional adjustment.

Also my "rich auntie" status is forever solidified because my nephews will get a big chunk of money if I suddenly die.

Today, the house appraised. FINALLY!  The sale is going through and holy crap shit got real. I spent the whole day on my feet, training some new customers, answering phone calls from both title companies and the mortgage company, and trying to figure out how I'm going to make my customers happy, steal a kiss or two from foxy grandpa (who I'm really digging), sell my house, move Chris's stuff out, and move myself into a new house in the span of 13 days.

I needed to call in reinforcements. I have a ton of badasses on my team. So far everyone I've called on has come in clutch.

Mom has been there for the inspection of my new house, Frank found me an HVAC guy, Akhtar and Chris have agreed to a power of attorney for the sale of the old house, Chris will get a pod here ASAP, and I've signed a whole bunch of papers and emailed them back to the title companies and mortgage company who are also hustling to get things done in a ridiculously short time. I have to admit I barely read the paperwork and am relying on my team of badasses. I'm so overwhelmed I'm just trying to check things off my list.

Next up I have to call my mentor and my boss and see if anyone can help with my customers because I have too much on my plate even IF I wasn't dealing with several major life changes. Job security, yo.

I'm a little nervous at the new mortgage payment. The new house is about 40k more than what we paid for this house, and the interest rates are higher, so the mortgage payment is about $500 more than what I've been paying. I can completely afford it, because the payments on this house were really cheap, but I'm nervous about losing that chunk of disposable income. On the flip side, I'm not paying for Chris's health insurance anymore and most of my disposable income went into savings anyway, so maybe it'll even out.

I think it will all be worth it when I'm sipping wine in my beautiful garden in my new backyard, listening to the soothing waterfall and hoping I don't kill the fish.

In the meantime, I'll be secretly treading emotional waters but overall hustling like a badass. Whew.

silver fox

Another dating update.

That cute older dude from the party a few weeks ago turned out to be... really cool.

We didn't hang out right away because dad was visiting, but we eventually grabbed dinner. We talked for 2 hours before we even ordered food and lingered afterwards. Really good vibes.

Then we had lunch. Again, conversation was flowing.

He seems like an open dude, is still cute upon close inspection, and is actually making an effort to get to know me as a person. Lots of chemistry. His style is really different. Maybe that comes from all the extra life experience?

On our third date, I was extremely pleased with the... extracurricular activities. I definitely benefited from that particular area of life experience.

Speaking of life experience, he's got 3 grown daughters, has been married twice, and after Ashley friended him on facebook we found out last night that he's a grandpa. Funny... he forgot to mention that!

Now everyone is highly amused that I got it on with a grandpa. That sounds so weird.

His nickname went from blonde fox (a play off of silver fox but his hair's not grey) to Foxy Grandpa very quickly. It's kind of hilarious and also very odd.

Oh, he sent me flowers on Friday, which was great, but then I questioned how he got my address. ESPECIALLY after the incident later that night. I was really creeped out by the combination of events and took a step back to re-evaluate.

He got my address in a non-creepy way, so that was okay. But the whole thing just left me unsettled.
Definitely getting a really good security system with cameras put into the new house.

psycho behavior

As if selling and buying a house wasn't enough activity right now, the universe threw in some more.

Let's start with the cute customer incident.

A while ago I decided that cute customer and I want very different things. I tried to naturally let things cool off when I was super busy, but it turns out he was sweet and understanding about me being too busy to hang out.

Hm. Crap. I had planned to have an adult conversation and explain that it just wasn't working for me, but... then he did something that made the conversation very different than I expected.

Friday evening I was pretty pooped. I was hanging out in bed in the early evening and fell asleep. I woke up to my doorbell ringing. Not a single ring. I woke up to someone repeatedly pushing the button at a fast pace. Followed by pounding on the door.

In a half-awake state, that is jarring and scary. I laid in bed for a minute, heard the person try the door handle, then the commotion at the front door stopped. I grabbed my phone and saw that cute customer had called several times and left text messages.

It was him at my door.
...the calls and texts had started an hour and a half earlier.

The next thing I know, he's in my backyard knocking at my bedroom window. I know the gate was locked so he must have had to jump the fence. Terrified, I decided to call the cops. But before I could, Helen called to discuss house stuff. I told her what was going on and she immediately headed over.

While I was still on the phone with her, I opened the door and told him to leave. To my surprise, he was holding a bottle of wine. He looked surprised and hurt when I told him to leave.

He didn't leave. He hung out on the front porch until Helen arrived. Then he got into his car but still didn't leave. So she turned her brights on and moved her car closer to his. Only then did he drive away.

I got into Helen's car and spent the night with her.

I did talk to him, and it turns out, he was trying to be sweet and surprise me with a bottle of wine because he knew I'd been stressed out. He wasn't trying to murder me, I guess.

He apologized but that was an absolute backfire, dude.

First of all, he came over uninvited and violated some big personal boundaries. That's a big NO. If I wanted company, I would have invited him over.

Second of all, once he knocked and I didn't answer, he should have left. In what scenario is it okay to pound on my door for 90 minutes and go into my backyard?? SO CREEPY! I really thought he'd lost his mind and that I was in danger.

The icing on the cake- when I told him to leave, he didn't leave.

I felt disrespected, like my privacy was violated. I felt unsafe in my own home. I was so freaked out that I spent that next night at Ashley's.

This is the exact reason why I decided not to let anyone I date know where I live. But I made an exception because I knew I'd be moving soon.

LESSON LEARNED.

huh?

Saturday was a fun but strange night.

My whole family went to a family friend's birthday party. That part is not so strange.

But BOTH my dads were at this party, plus my mom and all my siblings. (Except Luke...who we miss terribly and talk about all the time. And Chelsea who had other obligations.) That could have been weird but... nope. It strangely wasn't.

Amongst the crowd were the usual folks, except for a few interesting exceptions.

There was a guy there who looked at my house while it was on the market. That was a fun "it's a small world" time discovering that while chatting. We both agreed that the karaoke stage is a serious design challenge.

During the usual party chatter, my dad's other friend tried to convince me to buy a house on his block.
And I'm going to check it out, just as soon as this option period on the current contract is over... tomorrow... IF the potential buyers decide to proceed.

Oh, I don't have my hopes up but cross those fingers because that would be great if this house sold and I could finally move on with my life.

SPEAKING of that, there was this really cute dude at the party and we definitely had chemistry.

If you remember, I deleted all of the dating apps and decided to take a chill pill and see what life throws at me meeting people the old fashioned way.

I'm not disappointed so far. It turns out this guy is 15 years older than me and I was shocked because he doesn't look like it. Which is why I gave him my number when he asked. I definitely want to go out with him.

Yeah okay... he's a friend of my dad's friend and that's a little weird. But I guess that's how my dating life is going so far. Maybe I'll find that older but cute dudes are my jam?

Anyway, this week will definitely be interesting. Mostly because of the house thing. (Because I'm not going on any dates this week. Maybe next week.)

This brings me a lot of peace, in a lot of ways: