not all roses

I'm going to bitch for a little bit.

I'm sitting here in a hotel room, by myself, with some dumb movie on mute, drinking some employer-purchased wine. I like this part of my job. I'm happy.

If I'm being honest, I needed a break from home.

Yesterday, I was in such a funk. For the dumbest reason. It was such a beautiful day but the house was so gloomy and I was sitting in the living room getting more and more pissed off about it.

I really like living with FG, but I really don't like this house. I'm trying to get over it because we've made a lot of progress updating it and honestly it's just a house, but some days it gets to me...like on a beautiful sunny day that still feels gloomy even when there are lamps everywhere and the house is still a cave.
And when the dog (ugh, the dog) pisses on the floor and now there's a big wrinkle in the laminate, forever. And when we can't brush our teeth at the same time because of the bachelor pedestal sink on the master bath (that is constantly covered in beard hairs). And that ugly un-cozy bed. And even though I'm getting the hang of cooking on an electric stove, I hate how I'll cook an egg and the house smells like it for 6 hours because there's no exhaust fan. You get the picture. For some reason yesterday, it snowballed.

Then I went into the backyard to start planning my garden to cheer myself up, and it was a mess because the handyman that FG keeps hiring is a giant basket case. I literally begged FG not to hire this guy again and sure enough, there have been several times during this project when I was SURE they were going to start punching each other. What should have taken a week has taken 6 weeks and it's STILL not done and in the meantime it's chaos.

I walked around the house getting more and more annoyed by every little thing. So I sat in the front yard for a while in the sunshine while the dog and the cat sniffed around and it was cute and my mood lightened. 

Then we had to go to home depot and I was ready but FG was not, so I grabbed my cross stich and started working on it. I think the majority of this piece has been done because I picked it up when I'm waiting on FG.

I wait on him a lot. I feel like a large part of the rest of my life will consist of waiting on FG. This is something that has been evident from day one, and I know what I signed up for, but he literally does nothing quickly. I asked him the other day to think of something he does quickly, and we still haven't thought of anything. It's quite a contrast to my own, multitasking, most-efficient-way-possible way of doing things. At least I've found something to occupy all that time waiting on him. It's pretty enjoyable now. See? Adaptation. 

Eventually we went to home depot, and we were both cranky. Not at each other, really. Just in general. Some poor guy approached us to sell us something related to air conditioning, and when I told him that we were not in the mood, his face was hilarious and he quickly retreated.

All the time that I was cranky yesterday, I kept searching for the root cause. Did I regret moving in with FG? Was it about him? Was this living situation not for me? Did I need different surroundings?
There was a point where I thought that maybe I'd be happier if I was on my own again. I really liked living alone, making all of my decisions for myself, no one stifling me. I even thought about looking at some real estate listings. Although moving out would mean ending this relationship, I considered it because of the potential peace it would bring.

Then, I thought about some advice that my sister told me once: if you're always secretly looking for an escape route, or have a backup plan, how is it ever going to work?

This is the way forward in a relationship, and when you merge two complete lives, there will be some days like this that require reflection and adjustment. And when I really thought about it, the life I'm building with FG is worth the cranky day along the way. My favorite part of every day is waking up next to him and hitting the snooze button for snuggles... do I want to trade that for a sunny house that has wood-tile floors and a gas stove? No. Not really.
  
What I really want is the sunny house with wood-tile floors, a gas stove, AND him. So there it is... I like nice shit and I want it all. But in the meantime I gotta keep things in perspective and find a way to embrace the blessings in the here and now.

BUT. If I ever live by myself again, my favorite part of that will be the absence of pee dribbles on the toilet rim and floor. There's no changing that.