things

For a while there, I found myself regularly waking up at 3 or 4am and not being able to go back to sleep. I blamed it on the perimenopause that my doctor said I was not yet "in." Then, I had surgery and my body took every opportunity for sleep that it could get and I forgot what 4am looked like. Lately, I'm again routinely waking up at an unreasonable hour, laying awake listening to FH snore for a few hours until the alarm goes off. I'm thinking the next time it happens, I'm going to get up and see what happens. Maybe that's why old people are always up so early.

It's August. Every August I bitch about how hot and crispy and sweaty everything is. This year is no exception. I'm tried of summer. As a matter of fact, I was tired of summer before summer even began this year. Because I'm always hot, and again I blame that on the perimenopause that my doctor says that I'm not yet "in." As soon as I can comfortably travel there, I'm hitting the mountains or somewhere snowy. I don't remember the last time I was cold.

Speaking of travel, we're planning our anniversary trip and we had to pick something with the least amount of sitting so in case I'm still not able to sit for a while I won't be miserable. After considering several different options and eventually deciding they were too much, we narrowed it down. The ones we vetoed for now are still really great options, so we have several trips already planned waiting in the wings.
We decided to take the whole week off, since our anniversary is on a Wednesday this year, and also because we both have a lot of PTO since we haven't really taken any. (Most of my recovery was short term disability)
We're taking the RV to the beach for the first weekend, then we're flying to Santa Fe, NM for the rest of the week. Going to explore the cave dwellings, soak in some hot springs, check out the art scene, and relax at the pool in our cute historic hotel. Very much looking forward to that and hoping that I'm not too sore at that point. I've been very humbled by how slow the sitting/driving progress has gone. Right now I'm basically always sore. Ice packs are saving me right now so I'm thinking of getting some of those instant ice packs since they can go through tsa. Waiting for that day when the surgeon said I wouldn't notice the pain anymore...

This weekend I got into the river for the first time this year. Just to cool off, because treading water used muscles that I didn't think I should be using, and I hosed off when I got out to be on the safe side. It was nice.

3 months!

Today I saw my surgeon for the three month follow up.

Takeaways:

Driving and sitting for too long will hurt. It takes time. He said one day I'll notice that it doesn't bother me anymore and to be patient. Which means I'm also not cleared to travel yet and my boss does not care because I'm the only person in Houston right now and she wants me local anyway.

I have great strength and shitty range of motion. He said he wasn't surprised because the joint will be tight for a while. Apparently women have loose hips naturally and that can lead to issues long term so he purposely tightened it up. News to me! Also thanks? He said to wait another month before trying to stretch.

I can start trying to do some of the things I like, like yoga and hiking, but take it slow and listen to my body. Considering I was told not to stretch for another month, I'm thinking yoga needs to wait.

Then I asked him about my tendonitis and he referred me to a hand/arm specialist. Tennis elbow is such a cute name for something that hurts like hell. I told him that and he chuckled and agreed, he said he's had it before as well. The exercises have been helping so I'll see how that goes.

Currently icing both the hip and the elbow because both are sore. Honestly ice packs are underrated. They really help with inflammation and then I don't have to take pain meds that fuck up my stomach.

Other progress:

In the morning, I don't have a limp and walk normally without even thinking about it! As the day progresses and I get tired & sore, it comes back. Also walking on uneven surfaces, like in the yard, still requires concentration.

lessons in hosting

We host more overnight guests than the average person, here are a few lessons I've learned over the years:

1. People eat more than you think. In the past we've ran out of food because when I counted portions, I counted the way I eat. For example, chicken thighs. I'd assume that I'd need 1 chicken thigh per person. Wrong. Some people eat more than that. Sometimes they're on a keto diet. Sometimes they're really hungry. Sometimes that's their normal portion. So what I do now is I count portions according to the way I eat (or according to the package/recommendation), then I double it. That way we have no issues feeding everyone, including surprise extras, and leftovers is always a good thing when you've got folks day drinking and staying the weekend. Hungry? Go scrounge. Still got food left when people leave? Freeze it or send it home with someone.

2. Towels and water bottles WILL be abandoned. It's okay. We just buy double the cases of water and plan for extra laundry. The plants will get fancy water for a while.

3. Laundry. When it comes to sheets, I've seen it all. And only once have I had to throw them away and buy a new one. Body fluids, blood, food smears, sweat, barf... I don't actually handle the barf but that time the sheets were hosed off and tossed right into the machine. Most things get Spray N Wash and peroxide as a pretreat, and bleach goes into every whites load because that's the way it should be. If it sits in the laundry room for a week, who cares? It will get washed eventually. When it comes to big crowds when every bed is slept in and every towel is used, I truck it all to the laundromat and in 2 hours and a chat with a random old person, it's all washed and dried for about 20 bucks. 

4. If someone wants to bring something, a bag of ice or a case of water is always a good choice. We have a friend who always brings dessert. We have a friend who always brings a case of beer and enough food to feed an army, even though we don't request it. We have a friend who knows he's expected to bring bloody mary ingredients. We have a friend who never spends the night but we can always count on him to come help us with a project and he will drink the random beers left in the fridge and will 100% be staying late and fishing. There's are some definite established patterns with the regulars and I love that.

5. Some folks will invite themselves when they want to come over and some will wait for an invitation. Both are acceptable. 

6. We block off weekends for no visitors. At the beginning of the summer, we designate weekends that are open for guests and those that are not. That helps prevent burnout, mostly on my end. I can't handle people every single weekend.

7. Speaking of, if my social battery runs out, I simply go upstairs and take a breather. Everyone hangs out downstairs anyway so upstairs is kind of a refuge for those who need a break, and I've noticed several times someone taking advantage of that as I trot past them.

8. Schedule the maid for AFTER guests leave. The house will get dirty approximately 0.5 seconds after guests arrive anyway, so scheduling the clean afterwards is so much more refreshing.

9. Keep a bag of chicken nuggets in the freezer and some apples in the fridge. Kids are picky and I'm not trying to convince a 4 year old to eat chili or have a parent trying to raid my kitchen for an acceptable meal. Also kids go nuts over glow sticks and popsicles. And while you're at it, get a big variety pack of chips. They don't need to be name brand. They will get eaten.

10. Squeeze condiments for everything. Streamlines the whole process and virtually eliminates gluten cross contact. 

11. Delegate. If I don't ask someone to load the dishwasher, I will be the one doing it. If I ask, guess what? I will get several volunteers. Then the next time, they feel more comfortable pitching in without being asked. Psychology.

12. Buy extra toilet paper. And paper towels. And paper plates. I don't know how but the supply dwindles in the blink of an eye. It's like the water bottles. During the summer it feels like we buy them with every grocery delivery.

13. There will be messes. Embrace the chaos. There's no rules at the river. I've gotten really good at this one but FH's eyes still twitch and I have to remind him that it's fine. 

That's it for now. We have a couple of months left of summer and we're all booked up through October but our regulars will still come out for hot tub & fire weather. Some visits I'm looking forward to more than others, but overall let's bring on the fun!

sweetums

I'm drinking my dinner tonight.

Because. The latest stray cat turned out to be really cool. He was super sweet & cuddly. He also had a serious injury and a selection of other medically expensive ailments. I convinced FH to let him stay through the weekend, so I could try to find him a home. 

I did my best, but I was not able to find him a home.

He got a few days of food & loves, and I cleaned his wounds the best I could. He followed me around, hung out with the chickens, and sat on my lap for pets and scratches. He was so cool that he started to win over FH, and we had a brief discussion about keeping him.

Unfortunately, as cool as he was, the timing is just not right and we do not want any cats right now. My last cat was a 20 year commitment and that's not what we want right now.

So we sent him on his way, and it broke my heart, I'm sure it broke his too. (The cat, not FH. He probably thought he had found a home and I can't imagine what he was thinking as we proved him wrong.)

It would have been different if he was an asshole cat, but he was the sweetest. I really wanted a happier ending for him. In the end, we gave him a few good days and I did my best to set him up for a better future.

I'll never know what happens to him. But I'm sending the best vibes out into the universe.

kitties

I have a struggle.

Regarding cats.

There have been several stray cats that have wandered across our yard, and some are obviously feral but some are obviously not. I think people are dumping their animals out here because a feral cat will run from you but a dumped cat (or dog) will run toward you.

Now, if this were truly the Cat Distribution System choosing me, I would embrace it, but I can't care for every sweet little snookums that comes running up hungry and injured. It breaks my heart because I want to save them all but I just can't turn into the cat house, nor can I involve myself with trapping and taking these animals to the vet, etc.

I don't feed them, even though I want to, because then they'll for sure stick around, but I do show them kindness. FH chases them away because I can't be mean to them.

Now, if one of these kitties figures out that there are mice living under the deck, then that's not my problem. In fact, that's my solution. :)

hm, well.

Turns out the doctor was right.

Today I had to drive to the Woodlands, which according to google maps is 1 hour and 32 minutes away. A bit far, but it's under my self-imposed 2-hour drive time limit. Well, it turns out in real life and terrible weather and traffic, it took closer to 2 and a half hours. I did stop after about 45 minutes to walk around, and then again after about another 45 minutes, but by that 2 hour mark I was hurting. Those last 30 minutes were tough.

Once I got out of the car and made my way into the lab, I felt better. But that drive home, again, was tough. Tonight I'm really sore, it hurts to walk, it hurts to sit, and it's that weird pinchy hurt. This hurts worse than any physical therapy pain. 

HOW does sitting/driving make it hurt worse than walking around and doing lunges and going up and down the stairs ten times a day? The doctor said that driving/sitting/flying would hurt, but I honestly didn't think it would be this bad. 

At this rate, I will not be traveling for a while. Which is a bummer. 

Also I have to drive to Pasadena tomorrow which is a shorter drive but now I'm a little scared. I'm going to be spreading out my drives from now on. And maybe stopping more frequently. 

bath time

It's been 10 weeks since I was forbidden from taking baths. There have been a few times where I thought to myself, "I want a bath."

But it's been too soon, or the weather wasn't right. Then the surgeon said I could but I still didn't feel like things were healed enough and it wasn't worth the risk of infection.

Tonight was the night. I cleaned the tub (which wasn't that bad since FH had cleaned it out previously because he loves me) with soap and then with bleach to make sure no weird germs were there. 

And Oh. My Gawd. 

It was good.

I so missed this.

lazy daze

We could not get it together this weekend. We kept saying we were going to go outside and do projects, but never could muster up the energy to do it. Once or twice we tried, but ultimately we found ourselves back inside on the couch. Maybe it was the heat, maybe we are worn out.

At some point Saturday I called it and said that we should just embrace the failures to rally and make it a relaxing day inside. Somehow Sunday was the same. Neither of us had the steam to do much of anything.

I did make it out to the garden on Sunday morning, fueled by caffeine and the only small amount of ambition I had all weekend. It was cloudy and little windy, which made it bearable to be outside. As I was pulling weeds, it started to drizzle and it felt like such a relief from the heat that I didn't mind. When it got to the point where it was a steady downpour, I was already soaked anyway so I kept pulling weeds. 

When was the last time you were outside in a rainstorm and instead of seeking dry cover, you let yourself get soaked? I squished myself to the outdoor shower and scrubbed off the sunscreen and grime, slipped a moo moo over my head, and that was about all I got done. 

Kinda bummed that my recent overall boost in energy levels (attributed to the testosterone booty pellet) seemed to tank this weekend.  I'd like it to come back, please.

week what?

After a couple weeks of trying to walk normally, I'm still not there. I'm doing better, but my gait is not even and there's a bit of a limp, occasional unbalance, and I still walk very slowly. Especially at the end of the day when I'm tired. FH still goes ahead of me in stores and I just meet him at the destination. Ashley would not be able to handle walking with me. Actually, that would be pretty funny.

I saw my first customer this week, and after the 1.5 hour drive, standing and walking for 2 hours, and the drive back, I felt okay. My lower back was sore but that's actually normal. I should probably work on that. I don't think the customer caught on that I wasn't walking normally so I can't be that bad.

Next week I've got 2 customer visits scheduled (against my will, but since I'm the only person working in the Houston area for the next 2 months, it's all on me!) I'm trying to keep things spread out to give myself a breather. So far, so good.

Physical therapy has been really good. They have several people to work with and I've worked with them all at this point, but my favorite person has been this chick who really kicks my ass and I like it. Today we started lunges and they were hard but I could do them. She told me that I'm only allowed to do them twice a week because she's savvy and has obviously identified me as a person who will absolutely overdo it if I am left to my own devices.

At this point I haven't felt that pinchy surgical pain in a while and am mostly feeling persistent muscle soreness. Still can't do any twisting, pivoting, bringing my knees up to my chest past 90 degrees, turning out, stuff like that. I can do things like paint my toenails but it's not easy or comfortable. 

I've come a really long way but I feel like I won't be back to normal for a long time either.

call me stella

I woke up this morning and decided that it's time to get my groove back.

Today I started actively trying to walk without a limp. At this point it's mostly muscle memory and I need to re-train my brain and my muscles. I can feel my glutes already.

With the doctor's approval, I plan on returning to work next week, with restrictions not to travel for the next month because I don't feel ready to travel by myself. I think that's reasonable. I'd say I'm about 75% recovered. Plus I plan to take as many office days as I can, because yes I'm getting bored but also I'm not trying to go above and beyond.

things I'm loving lately

Some fun things.

Cookie scoops. I got myself a pack of 3 different sizes for Christmas and I use them for cookies & batters, but also just about everything I can think of. Like when I make a big batch of something I use these to portion them out to freeze. Rice, quinoa, etc. I feel like a lunch lady and it's really satisfying. If you come visit and you get a perfectly domed portion of something, you know what's up.

Pretty PJ sets. I'm once again over the faded, stretched out, stained old raggedy tank tops and searching for some cute sets. I found 2 that I like, but mostly I'm finding a lot of shitty polyester and no, thank you. The search continues.

Speaking of, I bought several different colors of a linen tank top that doesn't make me feel like I want to rip it off the second I step outside. I have resorted to simply wearing a bathing suit top and cotton boxers when I know I'll be outside for a while. It's the least amount of clothing I can wear and not be reported to the authorities.

Disposable paper towels. Not for every day use, but for parties. There is nothing quite like washing your hands and going to dry them off on an already soggy hand towel because 20 people before you used it. At least you hope. Ugh. I am NOT above bringing them to a party and casually leaving them in the bathroom.

Naked Pea protein powder. Unflavored. What is with the questionable ingredients in all the protein powders out there? And GOD FORBID I don't want it sweet. I like this stuff, and am already on my second package. I like to add it to smoothies.

some pretty pill organizers. Because we take lots of supplements lately and it's easy to remember if we took them or not with these. And when you travel you just take those days and toss them in your bag.

pft.

Well I had a shitty day.

Mostly because I was super annoyed that, SuRpRiSe I'm still in pain from the really stupid move I made, and it affected everything I tried to do today. So my mood just compounded bad upon bad and eventually it provoked FH which turned into a bad mood for everyone.

So I stewed in my bad mood until this afternoon when I tried to shake it off and failed. At that point there's only one thing left to do and it's take a shower, eat dinner, pour a big glass of wine and go to bed early. Tomorrow will be another day, and hopefully better.

progress?

Well I'm a moron. 

A few days after the conversation with my doctor about how I needed to slow down, I decided it would be a good idea to mow the yard.

Hear me out.

I ran it by FH first, and he actually gave me the okay. I mean, mowing the yard is basically walking behind the mower since it's self-propelled. and I've been walking pretty well, even in the yard.

So I did it. But I forgot about the pulling, the pivoting, and all the other movements involved in mowing. In my defense, I went very slow and made deliberate movements and nothing actually hurt when I was doing it. As soon as I was done, I sat on the couch with an ice pack and rested for a while. Then I rested for most of the day, and I felt fine. A little tired, but no pain.

Until the evening. 

At some point, I took a step, felt sharp pain, and that was it. I knew I had overdone it. It was painful to walk the entire next day, and I spent most of it sitting with an ice pack and taking tiny, slow steps whenever I needed to walk. 

The tendonitis in my arm also flared up and I was in so much pain. 

Talk about a setback. 

I feel so stupid. I thought I was doing good, but once again I overestimated my progress. Ugh. How embarrassing. 

Now I'm in healing jail and I'll be scared to take too big of a (literal and figurative) step forward for a while. 

I really hope this is a lesson learned and I don't do something stupid like this again.

6 weeks

Dude. Essentially at my 6-week follow up today the doctor told me I am overdoing it and I need to slow down.

I thought I was going slow! I also thought I'd be ready to go back to work 3 weeks from now but when I saw the look on his face while I was talking I felt my plans go down the drain. He said that's probably not realistic.

Really? I know progress is slow but come on.

Then I started to believe him when he explained that yes, I could go until I hit pain, but then I needed to stop immediately, NOT keep going for a little bit and then stop. And that if I did get sore, I shouldn't still feel sore the next day and if I did, that means I over did it.

Oh.

Then he did an exam and all the movements we made came with a small sharp pain at some point or another and that's apparently also a sign to slow down.

Because overdoing it (even a little bit) every day slows down your overall progress.

So that whole appointment was disappointing, overall.

To drive the whole point home (pun intended), I have been in pain all afternoon. Why? Because I drove to the appointment (about an hour) and I felt a little bit of pain after about 30 minutes but kept going. This was before the conversation with the doctor. Had I stopped and switched with FH and he took over the driving, I might not be in pain right now.

Sigh.

alcoholish

I have a doctor's appointment next week. When they sent me the confirmation text, I had to click on a link and go through my medical history to confirm that nothing had changed. It pre-populated the fields with what was already in my file. I was scrolling through the fields when I got to one that made me do a double take.

Under alcohol use, I was categorized as a "heavy drinker." 

Say what?? I was offended!

So I looked it up. Apparently, medically speaking, the standard for women is, if you drink more than 7 drinks a week, you are considered a heavy drinker. Which seems awfully light to me. At 2 glasses every night, I never thought of myself as a heavy drinker. Moderate, maybe.

But maybe that's the problem... thinking that you don't drink as much as you do. 

So I got to thinking: One drink every night is fine, but two is too much? Is drinking every night even okay? Where did these definitions come from? Does it even matter? Is this a sign to take it down a notch? I don't get drunk every night, I just like one with dinner and one to wind down and get sleepy. I rarely have more than 3 drinks in one night because I know I'll feel like crap the next day. My doctor has never said to cut back but now I'm questioning if I drink too much.

I stopped drinking the week before surgery so it's been a while since I've had any alcohol. There have only been a couple of times in the last several weeks where I even wanted a glass of wine. Right now would be a really good time to do a hard reset and change my drinking habits. Maybe having a glass (or 2) of wine every night isn't the healthiest and I am trying to be healthier overall...

So I guess the new standard for Jen is to have less than 7 drinks a week. If I have 2 glasses 3 nights a week that's under the threshold... I never thought I'd have to overthink how much alcohol I drink!

Ok well that's a lie because alcoholism does run in the family (having both sides come from Wisconsin this is a normal thing actually) and I've always thought I was never even close to being a heavy drinker. I am able to say "no" and I am able to just have one drink and stop. When I do get drunk it's fun and it's never extreme. I feel like those are classic tests of alcohol problems. It still bugs me being classified as a heavy drinker though. 

Hm.

custom ice /heat packs

Necessity is the mother of invention, right? 

Since I've been icing my hip on a constant basis, I needed more than 1 ice pack so I could pull a cold one out of the freezer after one got warm. I made a couple using ziploc bags, but they are an awkward size and after a while they started to leak. (Well, the Ziploc brand did not leak. The Walmart brand did.)

To fix my problem, I created a pocket in a wide ace bandage by folding the end back on itself and sewing along the edges. 

Then I made custom ice packs to fit that pocket using the food saver. I used 2 parts water, 1 part rubbing alcohol so when they freeze they are kinda slushy and pliable. (They are hard to see in the picture because they are clear) 

It's tricky to seal them with the food saver, but if you elevate it on a book or something, you can get the plastic on the sealer and the liquid won't spill out.

I also made a custom rice pack using leftover fabric from RV curtains. Because sometimes you need heat instead of cold.

week 4 ish

What day is it again? Oh yeah, it's June. Damn, May went by so fast and so slow.

It's been over a month since surgery. Walking without a crutch was slow and awkward at first, but gradually I was walking without pain and with a slight limp. I was doing great until The Incident involving big roaches in a paper towel roll and I ran before my I knew what was happening. Not something you want to do on a healing hip. It set me back progress-wise about 2 days, which wasn't so bad in the long run but man it sucked.

At this point I'm mostly pain free, but still feel the joint get pinchy if I do too much, and am icing all the time to stay ahead of inflammation. I'm done taking all the drugs (YAY now maybe my stomach will calm down), and I'm ready to start trying to drive. I need to see how much strength and stamina I have so I can start to measure progress. I'd like to go on walks to measure how fast I get tired but I don't really have anywhere to do that safely. 

I still wear the brace if I'm in the yard, since grass and hills are surprisingly difficult to walk on, and I also wear it if I'll be doing bending, like weeding the garden. It's uncomfortable and HOT, but keeps me from bending too far. I think it will be a while until I can bend past 90 degrees. 

Ironically, I'm in a lot of pain but not my hip. My arm hurts from crocheting too much. It seems like I developed forearm tendonitis from crocheting for hours every day. Go figure. So now I need to find some other way to pass the time.

3 week update

All right, it's been 3 weeks since surgery. Technically the halfway point of the projected recovery timeline but I definitely do not feel halfway healed. 

I've been walking on 1 crutch for the last week. (I still crack up when I think of myself as tiny tim)

Physical therapy has been awesome. I didn't know how to safely transition to 1 crutch, so they had me slowly start shifting weight back and forth onto the right leg, and over the course of about 15 minutes I was able to do it. It's not something you want to try at home. It's honestly a little scary because your brain at that point is so used to not putting weight on it, and you're not confident that it will even hold. Even now, the joint feels weak and if I move too big or twist the joint, I get a nice stabbing pain to remind me not to do that. The brace, while uncomfortable, is actually really helpful because it restricts your movement for you.

Starting tomorrow, I can start to try walking without a crutch. This time I won't have a physical therapist to show me (my next appointment is in a week), but basically you use the crutch more for balance instead of weight bearing. Again, that will be a slow process building strength (and confidence). My gait is still forced and the steps are still very careful and calculated. I have to remind myself to put weight on it while I'm standing. It's like I lost all the muscle memory that I've had for 40 years. What a weird thing to have to think about. Definitely have a long way to go.

In other news, two of the incisions are infected. I don't know how, I followed all the instructions, washed my hands constantly, and used clorox wipes on EVERYTHING every day. It be like that sometimes I guess. 

The bad news is, you don't take infected surgical incisions lightly. I'm on a strong antibiotic (ugh) but given the choice between those and a gnarly joint infection, give me the pills. 

So the days have been passing. Some have been good, where I feel good and have energy and feel like I'm getting stronger, and some days are not so good, where I don't feel good and I'm tired and sore and have to rest more. It's that, "2 steps forward 1 step back" type of feeling. 

Who knew it would be so hard to learn how to walk again?

more useful crochet things. Kinda.

Today's crochet project was a face scrubbie. I usually use a washcloth to exfoliate but I figured I'd give these a try.

The first one was a loose texture, my thought was it would dry faster.

I didn't like it. The texture was too loose, and once it got wet it loosened up even more, so it was hard to use as a scrubbie. I do, however, really like this stitch, it's pretty.

The next attempt was a little more tighter and compact.

You know what? I didn't like this one either. I think what it is is that the yarn itself doesn't feel scrubby enough. It's too gentle for my taste.

Overall, I think I prefer the washcloth. 

These were fun to make, though.

old trauma

One thing that I did not expect to be recovering from after hip surgery is really old trauma. Like, the emotional kind.

The last time I had surgery, I was left to fend for myself for most of the recovery. The day of surgery, Chris brought me home and left to go rock climbing. I figured he would be gone for a couple of hours while I napped. But when I woke up that evening, he hadn't returned and I was in a lot of pain. I called him a few times, and he didn't answer. So I got dressed and went to the pharmacy to pick up the pain pills myself. I remember standing in line for a long time, in pain, woozy from the residual anesthesia. By the time he finally called me back and eventually made it home, I had already taken care of myself.  

He was also working out of town the following week(s) so my mom and sister and a friend stopped by to check on me. Even when he was home, I would hesitate to ask him for help because any favors would always come back as something I owed him.

So since the surgery (and honestly for a very very long time) I would do things myself that would be easier if I asked for help. There have been MANY times these past few weeks (and for a very very long time) where FH has said to me, "You should have asked me to help you with that" and I resisted. 

Why? 

I stopped to think about it. 

These past few weeks I have been struggling with the fact that I need someone to take care of me. That I have to rely on someone. Because yes help is nice, but as a rule I always make sure that I can be self-reliant in the event that I have to be. Because in the past I found myself in that situation many times. Being in a relationship with someone I couldn't rely on hard-wired something in my brain and changed my default mode to hyper-independence.

I didn't ask for help because preserving my independence is a safety net, and I don't want him to start "keeping score" and tallying up favors against me. I even said that out loud in conversation and as soon as I said it, I realized how crazy that sounded. He calmly responded that he wouldn't do that, and it's true.

And that realization punched me. Oh my GOD, y'all.

I suppose after you've been let down over and over again you develop coping mechanisms that stay in place until they're brought to your attention and you change them. I have been carrying this coping mechanism around for almost a decade. 

When you compare the two situations, the differences are stark and it's opening my eyes. I didn't have to ask FH to take off work to drive me to doctor's appointments and physical therapy. He just does it. Leaving me after surgery would never be an option, same as going out of town while I'm recovering. It just makes sense that you don't do that. Which I'm just now evaluating. I didn't think much of it at the time, but looking back, who does that??

Today's lesson: I need to accept that I have a supportive partner who WANTS to help me, it's okay to be taken care of, and there won't be any retaliation for accepting help.