gentle rebellion, long overdue

Oh, God. I forgot about Valentine's day. I usually ignore this day. Even when I'm in a happy relationship.

But today was kinda hard.

I've been struggling emotionally lately.

Because.
Because,
Because...

I've been slowly starting to admit that my marriage is over and it's time to accept that.

Hey, I'm allowed to take my time. It's a really big decision. And a really big idea to wrap my head around.

I had to try everything before I officially gave up.

Well... I've got nothing left.

I want to be happily married but the universe (and my husband) has been declaring that is a big fat NO. After years of fighting it, I am finally starting to agree with the universe (and my husband).

So today, I focus on the fact that I have plenty of people to love.
Most importantly, myself. (and the trifecta, and momma, and andrea, and dayna, and the crabby cat, and...)

I've been so beaten down by the slow decline of my marriage over the past few years, and my self-esteem has absolutely tanked.

I'm old, I'm ugly, I'm stupid, I'm unlovable. My boobs are saggy, I'm getting grey hairs and age spots, my teeth are crooked. Nobody will see me as attractive.

The negative thoughts latch onto my brain and my heart.

I'm fighting them, but it's difficult to confront your irrational fears and tell them no. It's been super hard lately to look at myself and see anything besides someone who has been rejected by the person I love and built a life with.

My husband gave up on me, long before I was forced to give up on him, and sometimes that thought is blinding and sucks the air out of my lungs.

But, I keep reminding myself that I am not defined by that.
I get to choose positive thoughts, even while being overwhelmed by negativity. Things happen for a reason, sometimes a really good reason. Some days that's easier to understand than others.

Anyway. Today, after being slapped in the face from every direction by happy schmoop (which, by the way, I applaud. I'm not so bitter that I can't celebrate the happiness of others), I closed my social media apps and headed to yoga.
To a wonderful teacher who helped my hips point towards the ceiling in my downward facing dog, who made us break out in an unexpected sweat, who directed our focus for an hour, and who reminded us that we are enough, just the way we are.

This particular path in my life has been, and will be, incredibly hard, but I have constant reminders that I am strong and beautiful no matter what comes my way and I will cling to those reminders like my life depends on it.

Because, if you think about it, it kinda does.