State of the marriage, veterans.

Although my psyche is MUCH better, I'm still at a place where I'm torn between preparing myself to be single and wanting to make my marriage work. I feel so strange talking frankly about potential divorce like it's no big deal. When a few months ago my ideals would have told me that the D-word was unthinkable.

It's so true; that which does not kill you makes you stronger. And I've learned that my "steadfast" ideals can change depending on the circumstances. The raw, painful part of this process is over. It's still devastating but at least now I can stand on my own two feet without crumpling.

The hurt inflicted upon me is not easy to understand, forgive, or forget. But I've dealt with it in my own way, and come to my own terms about things. I've learned a lot about myself. Hindsight is 20/20. The current trust factor is negligent.

All that being said, I can't imagine it getting any worse than it was. Of course there will be rough days, no matter which side of the coin toss I/we decide to follow.

Even if we decide to divorce, I can see myself using the opportunity to get happier. I see myself embracing my independence rather than wallowing in my hurt. That brings me strength to carry on. The fact that I don't need him ironically makes me want to work on my marriage.

To my surprise, with everything stripped down to the bare essentials of our relationship, I'm able to see past the dog and the dishes in the sink and the everyday annoyances that used to be a really big deal. Now I can see the things that really matter, the things that just might be enough to keep us together.

To my shock, the fucked-up-veteran factor keeps pushing up in our conversations. The idea that it might not even be about me is baffling. I'm simply a bystander dealing with the consequences of the fucked-up-ness that keeps pouring out of him? Grain of salt, taken.

It's even more baffling that there are hardly any resources or societal understanding to even begin to address this issue. It's heartbreaking to hear about the suicide statistics, and even more heartbreaking to see it in action. This statistic is real. This summer, several of my husband's close veteran friends have committed suicide. I don't know how to address this. Perhaps it's not in my power to. But who, then? Hello, confusion, helplessness.

Ever ironically, perhaps with the above mentioned ideas in the back of my head, I've found myself really enjoying spending time with him. If our marriage is going to end, I might as well enjoy it while it lasts. Soak up every bit of him that I can before I no longer get to enjoy the man that I call my husband.

Because I'm not going to remain a punching bag. I'm simply not built for that. Statistics or no statistics, I can't continue to be dragged down.

This marriage is about both of us.
Not just him.
Not just me.
Both of us.

And yes, one of us can dominate the problem factor for a while, but it's supposed to ebb and flow-- not careen into a direction where neither of us benefits.

My marriage was sacred to me, and still is. We can endure the toughest of problems. All other problems are understandable, but at the end of the day if our marriage is not sacred to him, then I'll take my sacred marriage ideals elsewhere. I have no qualms with that.

stormy

I woke up at 4 o'clock this morning to a raging storm. Thunder, lightning, wind, rain, the works.

I always get a bit of anxiety during nighttime thunderstorms, because my brain automatically thinks of a tree limb slamming through the roof, or other catastrophic damage. Usually I can settle myself down and go back to sleep.

But then I remembered that the dog would probably be scared and might pee in her cage, which I'd have to clean up in the morning, making me late for work. And the dog food I left out would be soggy and would need changing. Also the roads might be a bit flooded, so I should plan for that.

Never mind that the dog is pretty chill during storms, and the roads have only flooded during major back-to-back downpours.

The thing that kept me up was remembering that the sprinkler system was programmed to be watering at 4am on a Tuesday. While it was raining. I tried to shrug it off and go back to sleep, but all I could think about was that the damn sprinklers were going full blast during a rainstorm.

So I got up, turned off the alarm, put on my rain boots, and tromped to the garage to turn off the sprinkler system. Checked on the dog, who was sleeping right through it, and went back to bed.

Those early morning antics, combined with the fact that it was a "Tuesday after a working weekend" made today especially draggy. It was one of those days where at 330pm I had to give my boss puppy dog eyes and say, "I haven't eaten lunch yet!" And it was one of those days where a big hurty zit appeared on my face. But that's ok. I made it. I get to sleep in tomorrow.

Tonight I'm finishing off that bottle of wine. Wine is good for your heart, dammit. I've got crock pot freezer dump soup already ready for dinner, and it actually smells pretty good.

the after work stuff

It's one of those days where I got absolutely soaked on my way out to my car from work. Because I opted out of rock star parking in favor of a spot at the back of the parking lot under a tree. Shade trumps distance when it's over 100 degrees outside.

I don't mind the rain, because now it's like 80 degrees and the AC can stop running nonstop for a minute. Plus my car was getting pretty gnarly from parking under trees and the rain gave it a nice rinse. Plus I love the way the world looks after a nice rain.

I'm tired. The Monday after a working weekend is always sucky. The Tuesday after a working weekend is just one big countdown to the next day off, which happens to be Wednesday this time. I must need new shoes because my feet and back have started hurting after a normal day. Which only magnifies fatigue.

So anyway I got home and cleaned the floors- like a crazy person. Because rain does not mean clean the floors. They are just going to get dirty again, especially when the dog comes traipsing in. But I can't help it because they are so gross. The floors can be clean and I'll take the few minutes of happiness.

I snacked on leftover tuna salad and cucumbers while I cleaned out the freezer and made this- to stir half into cheesy grits, and half into a crock pot soup.

Second breakfast is going to rock tomorrow.

This "not drinking and trying to eat better" thing is boring. And yes I know I said I'd cut back on dairy and then I made cheesy grits, but I'm not a masochist. I can't cut it all out, and I didn't add any butter like I normally would. I can do without butter, but don't take my cheese.

Also there's half a bottle of wine sitting in my fridge right now, not being drank. I might just finish it off so it doesn't go bad.

And then go forward with this nonsense.

on health and all that jazz

On an alcohol suspension. Because it's probably good for me.

I had my blood drawn at work for a reference range study, and decided to run my cholesterol. Dammit. It's the highest it's ever been. I'm attributing that to my recent frat boy lifestyle... but at the same time I'm a bit worried. I didn't go that overboard.
There's no WAY in HELL I'm taking drugs. So I'm cutting back on the only real source of dietary cholesterol; dairy products. Cheese, butter, I'll miss you. Hello fish oil. Ugh. If it doesn't work, I'm going back to enjoying my cheese and butter. And I'll probably see a doctor.

This morning I researched power companies. Super fun. Fiscal responsibility, man. Powertochoose.org is actually a pretty cool resource.

Went to Costco with mom and Frank, and it was actually pretty fun.

Renewed my ASCP certification. 36 hours and 95 bucks, man. But it's good for another 3 years!

Health, check.
Household obligations, check.
Career necessities, check.

I'm done adulting for the day, time to lay in bed!

crumbly tumbly

Sometimes you have to listen to your body.

I had soup and sandwiches and yoga planned for tonight, but I simply didn't feel up to any of it. I've been exhausted and drained and just plain not feeling good.

My stomach has been a bit cranky lately. Which is scary because it was so good for so long and I'm scared things are going to return to the way they used to be. I was feeling really good there for a while. I hope I can get things back to that.

The littlest things can make a big difference. For instance, lately I've been eating granola for breakfast at work because it was on sale at the grocery store and it's easy to pull out of my locker. Even though every morning I've really been wanting an egg. And you know what? I don't feel great afterwards. It's like I'm giving my body the wrong nutrients.

I think it's time to reset. I went from eating and drinking like a frat boy to cramming salads down my throat. And my body's been like, whoa. Neither of those things has been very calming for the cranky tummy. Even salads can be too much roughage, especially after a greasy booze bender. 

It's tough to find a balance when things aren't very calm to begin with.

I took a moment to listen to my body. To figure out what to eat to make me feel good. And tonight, I had some watermelon, white rice, and scrambled eggs for dinner. With a few cherry tomatoes and a bit of shredded spinach in the eggs because although I didn't particularly want veggies, I don't feel right cutting them out altogether. And I drank lots of water. Refreshing, soothing, gentle. Easy on the ole digestive tract.

It might seem like an odd combination, but it feels like that was the right meal to eat. My body felt better afterwards. Certainly not back on track, but better than if I had scarfed down a bunch of chips and washed it down with wine. Or even eaten a big salad. 

I'm really hoping to level things out with... myself. It's really not fun feeling like this again.

Saturday, man.

I spent ALL DAY lazing about on the couch in my underwear. Yes, that's right. I spent the entire day pants-less. It was glorious. Just how a Saturday should be.

I had to call happy hour short last night after I developed a massive headache. Slept well, and woke up to the kind of day where I didn't feel like doing much, needed a rest and I did just that.

After a leisurely breakfast of waffles, bacon, and eggs, I mostly read my book and napped. For the record, I was not impressed by The 5th Wave. I'm pretty over post-apocalyptic themes, and it wasn't original enough to make me read the next 2 books. It was a free library rental, so I'm not too bummed. Suggestions are welcomed.

I joined the gym at work late last week, and I've gone twice. Simply to run/walk on the treadmill because it's too damn hot to train outside for that blasted 5k in September. I lost most of the progress I had made earlier in the year, but I'm hoping I'll be able to gain it back fairly quickly.

Anyway, I did get up and make dinner, and did several loads of laundry. So the day was not completely lazy.

Some quick randoms

• I'm digging the Biebs lately. BUT. BUT. Watch the music videos! Those dancers stole my little former drill teamer heart. Someone made a good call.
• Between the dog and this creepily cute caterpillar, which initially scared the hell outta me as I was deadheading:
  
  
  some of my plants are struggling.
  
  I snagged a cute cart at Pennywise today during my shopping trip with mama. It has wheels and it keeps some of the more delicious plants out of the dog's reach. Nuff said. The caterpillar was flung into my neighbor's ill-kept jungle of a yard. Happy munching.
• This is the best toilet cleaner out there. It cleans under the rim of my 1980's toilets like nothing else. Get one.
• Going to join the gym at work tomorrow. I've even got my gym clothes packed. Finally feeling like being healthy, motivated by sweaty stomach rolls that didn't used to be there. Cheers.

It's Sunday night and I should go to bed. Peace.