rough-ish.

Whew. Today was stressful.

Un-cooperative instruments, anxious customers, tight timelines, cranky technology, etc. I finally had to take a moment and decide that I was done for the day because I was getting too frustrated to be productive. (Un)fortunately, the customer was in the same place.

I am missing home. But, tonight I take a few deep breaths, adapt, and embrace the hotel points. It certainly helps my morale after a tough day to have a nice meal, courtesy of this awesome full kitchen.

Currently sipping lots of wine after enjoying some pork chops and green beans, trying to relax and figure out the best way to resolve these problems and make this customer happy.

I should just do some yoga and leave it all up to the universe... I will try it on this questionable hotel carpet and scratchy bath towel, but I miss my soft cozy yoga space and my cat so much.

Listening to the playlist we're putting together for the engagement party. It's cute and full of lovey songs. It's helping my mood.

Speaking of lovey playlists, lately I've had plenty of long drives down empty roads with the radio turned off, left alone with my thoughts.

It's remarkable that many times, they turn to Chris.

Now, now. It's not like that.

I think of our relationship. How messy it was, right from the start. I think of the mistakes I made and how obvious the red flags were. I think of how things might be if we had made different choices... then I think that things probably would have turned out this way regardless of our choices.

Still, there's been a lot of coming to terms with the way things did turn out. I really did love him and I really did commit, with all my heart, to spending the rest of my life with him. And it really did destroy a part of me to have to dismantle that life with him. But that's all part of my path, I guess.
I'm stronger and happier now.

I think it's crazy that I was absolutely certain that we would happily grow old together and have many adventures together, and now... he is a stranger and I wonder what his life is like. I wonder how he is doing... if he's struggling, or if he's happy. I hope he's happy.

I think of the path things took and how stark the contrast is when you consider the way my life is now. I'm having adventures with a very different person than I thought I would, and it blows my mind sometimes and I'm so absolutely happy about it.

I feel strong and independent even though I'm in that place where I'm sharing my life with someone. This feels much better than anything else I've experienced. I don't feel stifled. I feel like I have my own identity; I don't feel like my identity or self-worth is dependent on anyone else.
Why did it take me 34 years to figure that out?

Anyway, I intended to bitch about my rough day but instead this post got real deep. Time for a shower. G'nite.