shift

So my hormones are definitely doing something different.

The first clue: My skin.
Which is always an indication of my hormones changing.

Lately, my face has been super clear. Which it hasn't been, ever. I can't even find a blackhead to mess with. Cool, I'll take it.

The rest of my body has had random episodes of what I thought were bug bites- hello houston summer mosquitos- but they have turned into rashes and patches of something that definitely does not resemble a bug bite. Previous creams from the dermatologist don't heal them, so I guess I'll be making another appointment for my next weekday off. It's time to get another skin cancer check, anyway.

Does firmly being in my 30's mean a hormone shift? This is uncharted territory. I hope it's for the good. Especially since my goal is to get off birth control in the next couple of years. Hel-lo tubal ligation. I expect a whole other set of hormonal shifts after getting off birth control. In the past it wasn't really fun, but with these natural shifts, maybe things will all work out.

beasties.

Last night I made perhaps one of the top 3 best decisions I've ever made in my life.

DISCLAIMER: I'm going to openly talk about uncomfortable medical-type sexual things.

A couple of days ago I started feeling some discomfort in my lady area. My first thought was to go online and buy some revenge crabs because dear old hubs managed to pass on something disgusting.

To confirm my suspicions, I grabbed a sterile swab at work and collected a wet prep specimen in the bathroom. Crouched in the bathroom with my scrubs around my ankles swabbing my hoo-ha was not my finest moment.

I sat down at the microscope, expecting to find something to make my blood boil, but as my search yielded no parasitic flagellates or diplococci, I was surprised to notice a few little budding yeasts.

Son of a bitch, I had a yeast infection. Yuck.

The last time I had one of these was nearly ten years ago when I stopped eating gluten. I had no idea what it was, got tested for every STD under the sun, again tried to blame Chris, and it was a horribly long and uncomfortable process.

I'm not the type of person who regularly gets yeast infections after antibiotics, swimming, hormone changes, etc. So what triggered this one? I'd love to find out and avoid it for the rest of my life.

I have a theory that the Nuva Ring may be a factor, since I take it out during adult fun-time and rarely care where I fling it. I probably set it down in a yucky place and didn't rinse it off well enough before re-insertion. Who knows.

On to treatment. Easy drugstore purchase. The problem with this, besides the obvious, is that the treatment is much worse than the disease. It's messy and I think I'm allergic to the medicine because the discomfort gets much, much worse after I've applied it.

Nevertheless, I took the medicine because I really had no choice, and woke up to intense discomfort a few hours later. Nothing helped. So, in a moment of desperation, I grabbed an ice pack out of the freezer, put it in a plastic bag, and tucked it inside my undies. Again, not my finest moment.

But oh, it worked. Immediately. Calmed the swelling, itching, discomfort, you name it. Crotch ice packs are the best. The relief was so welcome that I am officially dubbing it one of the best decisions I've ever made.

You are welcome for hearing all about my yeast infection. Ugh. Yuck. It grosses me out.

Anyway, I'm feeling a lot better today. Cheers.

life choices

This morning I was sitting at the dining room table, when I glanced outside and my jaw dropped.

That dog was eating my flowers. Literally chomping off the blooms and swallowing them. I could not believe it, so I watched and sure enough, she ate another one. Like a fucking gourmet dog salad.

I thought I was not watering them enough, or the light was wrong in that spot.
But the problem was that the horrible dog has been snacking on my flowers. I could cry.

I can't plant a garden because she will destroy it. I can't put anything in the flower beds because she will trample them. I can't put flowers up on the porch because apparently she will fucking eat them.

Too bad they aren't poisonous.

I'll try to find a cheap baker's rack or shelves to put them on, out of her chomping reach. I'm so mad.

surprise?

I went and surprised myself.

After being lost for so long, I'm starting to feel like me again. Except, an improved version.

I feel more collected. More sturdy. Stronger, now that I'm not being beat down from every angle, real or imagined. Now that I'm not second-guessing and over-analyzing everything, except a text message here and there. I've been able to let my guard down and heal a bit. This time away from him has been good for me.

I still don't know what will happen. Right now I'm all about me and I'm loving that. I forget how much I love being independent. Yes, I do get lonely, but it's my choice to stay lonely or go out and seek company. The difference is that this time, I'm not hesitant to go out and seek company.

These past few weeks have been so easy and it would to be extremely difficult to go back. It would be so much easier to let it all go and live my life. It would be so hard to try and fix these problems, to merge our lives again, to swallow pride, to forgive, to let go of the ugly stuff.

I still have not decided if it's worth it-- I don't know if I've been hurt too much and there's no going forward. I don't know if I want to be with someone who makes me feel like I'm not good enough- whether it's intended or not.

IF we can be good, I want it. If it's going to continue to suck, I don't need it. I can't do it.

I still don't know if he has even decided if it's worth it. He may feel like things are better without me. And as much as that stings, it's okay for him to feel that way.

Yes, a big fat giant limbo is still here, but damn I feel so much better about the outcome that I was dreading. I'm not afraid of it. Now, I find that I'm dreading the opposite.

How's that for some irony?

P.S. I got my evaluation at work today and my boss gave me nothing but glowing praise. Even through this hard time, I still manage to rock the workplace party.

looking forward

Sheets are washed.
Guest toilet has been scrubbed. Good toilet paper has been put out.
Saturday girls game night has been established.
I have like 8+ bottles of wine plus vodka and whiskey. 

Shopping list includes stuff for moscow mules and hummus and carrot chips and real chips. Duh.

Sister rolls in at some late hour on Friday, but I work late so that's okay.

Saturday at 10 am I'm at Vintage Market Days ready to go antiquing.

I'm super fucking stoked for this weekend and it's only Tuesday.  For fuck's sake, get here already!

Things I'm loving lately

Spray sunscreen.
No more greasy hands. Seriously. You just spray the heck out of yourself and go. Especially good for when there's no one around to sunscreen your back. Because skincare in the sun is important.

Black Box Wine.

Frank turned me on to this. He buys it because Chelsea doesn't go through an entire bottle in one sitting, like the good non-alcoholic that she is. I tried some at his place and I was surprised at how good it was. I ended up purchasing a 3-glass portion of Merlot to comply with the no-glass-containers-at-the-pool rule. I'd buy more. Especially because I spotted a 3 Liter Malbec at my local grocery store.

RTIC Tumblers.
Cheaper than Yeti. Works just as well. Running back and forth between biohazard areas and clean areas of the lab, it takes me a couple of hours to finish my coffee in the morning. I've been on the search for decent road cups that actually keep my coffee hot. These win. We bought 2 at the local Buc-ee's but I will get a couple more when I find myself in that area again.

That's all I've got for now.

Flowers, Flowers everywhere

Yesterday's pool day was so fun that I didn't even take any pictures. I needed that. Did it really happen if I didn't instagram it? We'll never know.

My body insecurities went out the window because I decided I didn't give a fuck. Plus after the pool party I dropped Ashley and Calvin off, and one of Collin's friends later asked Ashley if she could hook us up. If I'm cute enough in my post-pool-party grossness to get a second glance, I must be doing ok. Thanks for boosting my self-esteem, guy. If I end up single, we're hanging out.

So anyway this morning I slept until 11. It felt SO good to get a solid night's sleep. I woke up, had breakfast, then paid some bills.

Even with my must-save-money phase in serious swing, I decided that I had enough money in my bank account to go get some flowers. So I traipsed to the local nursery and spent an hour wandering the greenhouses. Grabbed whatever caught my eye. Filled my carts with abandon, leaning towards the hot pinks, yellows, and oranges. I wheeled my carts to the checkout, sweaty, with dirty feet and a sense of satisfaction. Ah, so pretty. (That's not a real person, although it looks like it. It's just cutout.)

I prepared to cringe at the checkout, but only $100 and change later, I was ready to florify. Andy did some quick quality control.

I picked the sizes perfectly, because most of the plants went from the nursery container straight into the pot with no added dirt.

I should have snapped a pic of each plant individually, because I snagged some really unique ones. Some I'd never seen before. I found a bucket of some flower that I'd pinned on pinterest a while back. I even got some cool ornamental peppers. If they live, I'll go back and snap a few pics.

The afters:

Turtle got some Lemon Drops, which love full sun and humidity so I should have gotten like 20.

I always avoided hanging baskets on the front porch, even though there are very convenient hooks begging for foliage. Why? Because hanging baskets are ugly. Like, the basket part. Fortunately these trailing vincas cover up the ugly basket part-- Vincas always make my heart sing. The curb appeal just got boosted.

So there's my flower day. I hope they all stay alive!

My only regret? Not grabbing one of these cool guys.

 
The flowers were huge, but it's more of a tree than a small flowering bush so I passed them up. Now I wish I had gotten one. They're so whimsically Dr. Seuss-ish. I may go back.