09 July 2017

got me feeling some kinda way

Trying to be productive over here amongst major adjustments that I never feel ready for.

The world gets tilted when it's travel, travel, travel and I come home, open the door, and things are different. I'm not sure if it made it easier or harder that he packed all his things when I was away.

Admittedly, I expected this to happen under a completely different context. Several scenarios were discussed and before I could come to terms with any of them, my husband is living 8 hours away.
How can four years of military-related absence leave me unprepared for a mere two years of grad school? There was a point where I never thought I'd have to experience that complex set of emotions again, yet here they are.

I'm surprised to find that, even in a wildly different scenario, the same underlying sentiments still swirl under the surface. It's like dejavu. On a basic level, I know how to do this all too well. Suck it up, gather some strength, look on the bright side and embrace the independence. On a complex level, there's still so much tumult and a feeling of loss.

It's this fresh adjustment period that's the worst. I keep noticing empty spaces where objects should be. A few years ago I got deep satisfaction from his shampoo bottles in the shower, and now they're gone again. His side of the closet is now starkly empty. I'm used to sharing my life and my space with him and it's a bit of a shock to find it abruptly gone.

The universe likes to make things happen whether you're ready or not-- but I take comfort in the fact that somehow, things always fall as they should.

10 June 2017

Stitch Fix

I signed up for Stitch Fix because I need help dressing like an adult.

The first few fixes were disappointing, because I initially entered some sizes in my style profile that I thought were right but turns out were inaccurate. There was one whole box that made me look like a bag lady and I returned everything. It was sad but the return process was super easy, even for me who hates anything that is remotely a pain in the ass.

I adjusted the sizes in my profile and since then I love everything. I've really wanted to post about it but who's got time for that? I have a little time this weekend to upload pics and such. Here's what came in the latest one.

It came with:
1 bag (The first few fixes came with shoes but then I requested bags)
2 blouses
1 blazer
1 pair of pants

I asked for a tote that had room for my laptop. I got one in the last fix and I love it. It travels super well and I wanted more. But they've only got one tote in their inventory right now and that's the one they already sent to me! Fortunately my laptop fits in this punchy orange bag they sent instead. Keep!

I didn't specify anything for tops, but my profile says I'm looking for classic, lightweight, dressy pieces for work- bonus if they don't take up much room in a suitcase. These were great. I especially love the blazer because it's one of the few that FITS!

Pants are the hardest thing for me. Most are either too big or they fit in the waist but are baggy in the booty.

I got a pair of pants in the last fix that I was initially super skeptical about. They are pull-on with a faux fly and seemed more like leggings than slacks, but they look surprisingly nice when worn. I loved them so much that I asked for a similar style. These navy blue patterned pants are the same deal and I love them. I noticed the pocket has a discrete zipper closure. So cute!

(See? They make me look like I have a booty)

So that's the latest fix. I'm keeping all the pieces and I can't wait to wear them.

If I get a minute I'll try to post some of the other pieces I've kept. There's some really solid stuff that I get compliments on a lot.

05 June 2017


Last night's vivid dream involved tornadoes. I was in a hotel room with my mom and sisters and a tornado hit, so we hid under the bed and shielded ourselves with a mattress while the twister raged around us. Then, the hotel gave us free breakfast coupons.

In the fridge: cantaloupe, watermelon, cherries, apples, peaches, blueberries, and grapes. I'm basically a fruit hound. But no lemons; the stores have been out. Curses!

I lost my favorite sunglasses. Merp. But in the search for them, I got to make an extended pit stop at Ashley's and play with the boys.

Notable moments: Calvin was making silly faces and when I asked why he was doing that, he replied, "Because Andrew likes it." Sure enough, he made a silly face at Andrew and Andrew started cracking up, hands shoved in his mouth. Soaking up these moments.

Got a ton of weird shit swirling around in my head. Some's been brewing for a while. Actually, most of it. However the time for action may be upon us shortly. Should be brutally fun. Maybe then I'll stop dreaming about monsters and tornadoes.

04 June 2017

coffee talk

Currently eating fruit for breakfast and pushing coffee & water. I think I ate like 6 cupcakes yesterday. I enjoyed every single one of them but now I've got a food hangover. Nothing like a good, classic party that ends with a few choice folks and sing-alongs on the back porch.

Comcast pissed me off again. No surprise there. They took the opportunity to charge us $50 more a month for the same service after our contract ended. When we called to renew our contract, the only thing we were offered was a bundle that included home phone service, plus a bunch of other stuff we don't want, and our bill would be even higher. Missing the point here, Comcast. You dicks.

So I think I'm ready to ditch the cable service. I don't watch tv that much, so Chris did some research and got a Sling subscription. Our tv didn't allow us to download the appropriate app, so then he ordered a Roku. I haven't played around with it much, but it doesn't seem like it's that much different than cable.

I intended to set up my office either in the actual office or turn my craft room into an office. What actually happened was I kinda set up camp at the kitchen table. I don't like the atmosphere in the other rooms; too closed off, not enough natural light. It works for now, but it's definitely not sustainable.

I do love being able to look outside while I'm sitting at the computer. However I get a great view of the giant, unkept crappy flowerbed. I'm seriously considering removing it and letting the grass take over. So much easier to maintain and at this point, it would look better and hold up best to dog trampling. Then maybe I can create a smaller, easier-to-maintain flowerbed. It's too hot to do any sort of yardwork now, so honestly to avoid heat stroke it'll probably wait until next spring. But the idea is there.

03 June 2017

dreams and cupcakes

Been having some very vivid dreams the past few nights. So vivid that I wake up, and I remember them after.

One was creepy, supernatural, and monstrous. There was something in the house that I could sense but not locate. I woke myself up screaming in my dream. I couldn't shake that weird feeling for hours.

Last night I dreamed I was at a Christian music festival. Apparently not with anyone. It was awkward because everyone was singing along and I wasn't familiar with any of the songs. Then I started chatting with this random group of people, and one of the men introduced himself. I recognized the last name, and it turns out I know his brother (in real life; we were acquaintances in college but we haven't spoken in years). I woke up and wasn't able to get back to sleep, so I looked him up and re-friended him on Facebook. I figured if this random guy's name popped up in my dream, it might be a good idea to see what he's up to. The universe is doing some networking for me, haha.

Other than that, I'm making cupcakes for Frank's engagement party this afternoon and debating on whether or not I should wear a dress. The weather is hot, humid, and rainy so on one hand a dress seems nice, but when there's a lot of moving around to do it can get a little annoying. Re: sweaty thighs. Real life problems here.

27 May 2017

learning from bad decisions

I am feeling disgusted with myself.

I tried that Whole30 thing and while I didn't obsess over the rules, I made some healthy changes. I didn't expect cutting dairy and carbs to make a big difference, but I felt good. Really good.
Less bloating, more energy, more motivation to exercise. I found that I didn't actually want the things I was cutting out because I felt so good without them. Can you believe I didn't actually miss cheese?? (I did miss chips, though, but I know that's purely psychological.)

I was doing really well. Then, I started traveling. It's challenging enough to find gluten free food on the road, so I didn't stress over finding something Whole 30, but I gave it my best shot.

Week 1 I was in Louisiana and it went well. It really helped that the hotel had a decent breakfast, and I ate lots of salads. But when you find a gluten free pizza place after a week of salads, you;re hungry on a primal level so you get a pizza and it's good for your body and soul.

Then week 2 I was in North Carolina. Still not bad. I'm so glad I traveled with workout clothes. After a day of sitting in a dim room on a computer, I was CRAVING movement. I exercised a bit, taking advantage of the gorgeous weather and nature-ful public spaces. Lots of salads again. Took a chance on some bbq and it turned out to be delicious and I had no tummy troubles.

The trouble started in week 3. I went to San Antonio for some training. The odds were on my side; the hotel room had a kitchen, so I could make sure the things I ate were safe.

But... I was in San Antonio. Who wants to cook in their hotel room when the Riverwalk is right there and the weather is gorgeous? Plus the group turned out to be super fun. I didn't want to be the only person to say no to happy hour. Life's short. Enjoy margaritas alfresco, baby.

I was proud that I limited my drinks, and I even got a decent amount of activity walking the riverwalk and the Alamo. The problem was with dinner. In general, if I'm with a group and they want to eat at a certain place, I don't insist that we eat at a different place, even if there's not much I can safely enjoy. Most people don't understand how important it is and I don't want to come across as rude and demanding.

So there were several times when I took a risk and ordered something -probably- gluten free. Mexican restaurants are particularly hard because there are so many things that are -probably- gluten free, but have a high potential for contamination. Needless to say, I got myself into trouble. Not big trouble, but just enough that I was feeling kinda crummy and I knew I had eaten something slightly gluteny.

In addition, the course instructor make sure there were plenty of GF snacks that I could enjoy throughout the week- but although they were gluten free, they were mostly junk food (chips, popcorn, cookies). I wasn't feeling very snacky, due to the above mentioned reasons, but I was thankful that she thought of me and I didn't want to offend her by not eating any. So I ate them, and I (duh) felt worse.

Yes, that's right. I ate things that I didn't want to eat, and I ate more than I wanted to, on top of a crummy stomach that I only got because I ate things that I shouldn't have. I made all these decisions because I don't want to seem rude. And then I suffered. What?

And it gets worse. Since I was one of the local folks and didn't have to get on an airplane, I was sent home with a bunch of the uneaten food so it wouldn't go to waste. A giant bag of chips and popcorn and sugary granola bars.

Now, I don't buy these things anymore, on purpose. Because if they're in the house I will stuff my face with them. Which is exactly what I did as soon as I got home. I ignored the ALREADY MADE salad and fresh fruit in the fridge and I strapped on the feed bag of chips and popcorn and chocolate and red wine. I did this ON TOP OF the gluteny crummies. And of course now I feel terrible.

As a result of all this, I've identified a horrible spiraling pattern of behaviors and their triggers. If I had made better choices this past week, I'd feel completely different today.

You know what? Maybe some food is better to be "wasted.". Junk food is junk food and it should be in the trash right now.

30 April 2017

sunday morning musings

Up early on a Sunday that I fully intended to spend sleeping as late as possible. However, upper respiratory issues are on the attack again. I've been fighting these swollen sinuses/ adenoids no doubt triggered by whatever allergens are floating through the air this time of year. I am thankful that at least now, some preventative care means it's not as bad as it has been in the past.

Today I hand my car keys over to my sister so she can take it for an extended test drive.
Her car, "Charlie," is literally falling apart and I happen to have a car sitting in my garage that I'm not driving. Because I've been driving the company car, selling my car will soon become a practical option.
Whether or not Suzy actually buys it, it's bittersweet for both of us. We become way too attached to our vehicles around here. I fully appreciate this car-incidence and tip my hat to the universe, for I bought that cute red car exactly 6 years ago to the day.

Supposed to be attempting the Whole30 food phenomenon starting tomorrow, but I'm not digging any of the "approved" breakfast options. Y'all know I love my breakfast and after trying chia pudding, I'm not convinced it's actual food. On the other hand, I doubt my cholesterol levels would thank me after 30 days of ham and eggs. Either way, I predict a loose interpretation of the rules... at least for breakfast. Until we meet again, peanut butter toast.

Been trying to focus on positive affirmations. Always been a firm believer in the 'mind over matter' mantra, and starting the day with a positive thought can't be bad. I dig the potential of the good thoughts rattling around in my head pushing the doubts away. Coming up with my own positive thoughts is a struggle some days... good thing Pinterest is full of them! Let's go with this one today: