27 May 2017

learning from bad decisions

I am feeling disgusted with myself.

I tried that Whole30 thing and while I didn't obsess over the rules, I made some healthy changes. I didn't expect cutting dairy and carbs to make a big difference, but I felt good. Really good.
Less bloating, more energy, more motivation to exercise. I found that I didn't actually want the things I was cutting out because I felt so good without them. Can you believe I didn't actually miss cheese?? (I did miss chips, though, but I know that's purely psychological.)

I was doing really well. Then, I started traveling. It's challenging enough to find gluten free food on the road, so I didn't stress over finding something Whole 30, but I gave it my best shot.

Week 1 I was in Louisiana and it went well. It really helped that the hotel had a decent breakfast, and I ate lots of salads. But when you find a gluten free pizza place after a week of salads, you;re hungry on a primal level so you get a pizza and it's good for your body and soul.

Then week 2 I was in North Carolina. Still not bad. I'm so glad I traveled with workout clothes. After a day of sitting in a dim room on a computer, I was CRAVING movement. I exercised a bit, taking advantage of the gorgeous weather and nature-ful public spaces. Lots of salads again. Took a chance on some bbq and it turned out to be delicious and I had no tummy troubles.

The trouble started in week 3. I went to San Antonio for some training. The odds were on my side; the hotel room had a kitchen, so I could make sure the things I ate were safe.

But... I was in San Antonio. Who wants to cook in their hotel room when the Riverwalk is right there and the weather is gorgeous? Plus the group turned out to be super fun. I didn't want to be the only person to say no to happy hour. Life's short. Enjoy margaritas alfresco, baby.

I was proud that I limited my drinks, and I even got a decent amount of activity walking the riverwalk and the Alamo. The problem was with dinner. In general, if I'm with a group and they want to eat at a certain place, I don't insist that we eat at a different place, even if there's not much I can safely enjoy. Most people don't understand how important it is and I don't want to come across as rude and demanding.

So there were several times when I took a risk and ordered something -probably- gluten free. Mexican restaurants are particularly hard because there are so many things that are -probably- gluten free, but have a high potential for contamination. Needless to say, I got myself into trouble. Not big trouble, but just enough that I was feeling kinda crummy and I knew I had eaten something slightly gluteny.

In addition, the course instructor make sure there were plenty of GF snacks that I could enjoy throughout the week- but although they were gluten free, they were mostly junk food (chips, popcorn, cookies). I wasn't feeling very snacky, due to the above mentioned reasons, but I was thankful that she thought of me and I didn't want to offend her by not eating any. So I ate them, and I (duh) felt worse.

Yes, that's right. I ate things that I didn't want to eat, and I ate more than I wanted to, on top of a crummy stomach that I only got because I ate things that I shouldn't have. I made all these decisions because I don't want to seem rude. And then I suffered. What?

And it gets worse. Since I was one of the local folks and didn't have to get on an airplane, I was sent home with a bunch of the uneaten food so it wouldn't go to waste. A giant bag of chips and popcorn and sugary granola bars.

Now, I don't buy these things anymore, on purpose. Because if they're in the house I will stuff my face with them. Which is exactly what I did as soon as I got home. I ignored the ALREADY MADE salad and fresh fruit in the fridge and I strapped on the feed bag of chips and popcorn and chocolate and red wine. I did this ON TOP OF the gluteny crummies. And of course now I feel terrible.

As a result of all this, I've identified a horrible spiraling pattern of behaviors and their triggers. If I had made better choices this past week, I'd feel completely different today.

You know what? Maybe some food is better to be "wasted.". Junk food is junk food and it should be in the trash right now.

30 April 2017

sunday morning musings

Up early on a Sunday that I fully intended to spend sleeping as late as possible. However, upper respiratory issues are on the attack again. I've been fighting these swollen sinuses/ adenoids no doubt triggered by whatever allergens are floating through the air this time of year. I am thankful that at least now, some preventative care means it's not as bad as it has been in the past.

Today I hand my car keys over to my sister so she can take it for an extended test drive.
Her car, "Charlie," is literally falling apart and I happen to have a car sitting in my garage that I'm not driving. Because I've been driving the company car, selling my car will soon become a practical option.
Whether or not Suzy actually buys it, it's bittersweet for both of us. We become way too attached to our vehicles around here. I fully appreciate this car-incidence and tip my hat to the universe, for I bought that cute red car exactly 6 years ago to the day.

Supposed to be attempting the Whole30 food phenomenon starting tomorrow, but I'm not digging any of the "approved" breakfast options. Y'all know I love my breakfast and after trying chia pudding, I'm not convinced it's actual food. On the other hand, I doubt my cholesterol levels would thank me after 30 days of ham and eggs. Either way, I predict a loose interpretation of the rules... at least for breakfast. Until we meet again, peanut butter toast.

Been trying to focus on positive affirmations. Always been a firm believer in the 'mind over matter' mantra, and starting the day with a positive thought can't be bad. I dig the potential of the good thoughts rattling around in my head pushing the doubts away. Coming up with my own positive thoughts is a struggle some days... good thing Pinterest is full of them! Let's go with this one today:

20 April 2017


I promise I'm still around. I've had tons of neat things happen, but not much time to record them in blog form. (Instagram is SO much faster...)

I fully expected to have so much time to do all the things, but alas, not the case.

New job is still dreamy and awesome, even with a few 10-hour days sprinkled in. They say it takes about a year to get comfortable in this role, and I see why. Also I plan to take full advantage of that assumption and soak up as much information as I can before I'm saddled with responsibility.

Altogether, things are shaping up to be about how they should. Like they usually do.

09 April 2017


Enjoying this Sunday afternoon in the backyard, sipping a spritzer.

We don't get many nice days between the humid winter and the suffocating summer, so I'm going to soak up every bit of this tolerable sunshine.

I started tinkering around in the garden, but it's been minimal. Mostly cleaning up all the dead stuff.

Although over the past couple of years I've adapted my planting goals around my own shortcomings and the dog's destructive tendencies, this year I simply won't have the time. I've managed to kill some plants already and got another scolding from my yard guy.

As I cleaned out some sad old pots full of dried up things that used to be pretty, I had a couple of surprises. The small cutting of yesterday, today, and tomorrow from my neighbor came back from assumed destruction. I found some turmeric that my coworker gave me and I long ago dismissed as dead. When I dumped out the pots, they were full of the roots so I replanted them. Two of last year's rosebushes survived the freeze this winter, and the aloe vera is already sprouting babies. Thankfully the rosemary and gardenia bushes were pretty well established and they only had superficial damage. The mums didn't bloom this year but managed to stay alive. That's the kind of plants I need; sturdy survivors.

This year I'll plant a few herbs on the kitchen windowsill in tin cans. Basil, green onion, and oregano are the current contenders. I gave up growing them from seeds and grabbed some already established plants. Hopefully if they're in plain sight, they won't be neglected.

On another note, I'll be traveling a lot to different places I've never been. I thought about starting to collect something from the cities I visit. But I don't want to do something typical like key chains or spoons or post cards. A colleague has a gallery wall full of pencil drawings she's collected on her travels, which I think is spectacular and unique. I'd like to do something like that. Suggestions?

02 April 2017

bad adult

Things have been so crazy lately that I forgot it was the beginning of the month and completely spaced on paying bills. I woke up at 5am to pee and something must have triggered in my brain the fact that I didn't pay the mortgage. The MORTGAGE. Ugh! I logged in on my phone and transferred the money while laying in bed.

I usually pay bills a week ahead because I'm extra anal about paying bills on time. But last week was madness and I spent several 12-hour days at a new install. This must be the first time I've ever paid a bill late. Two bills, actually.

The mortgage I think has a grace period before any late fees are charged, but I'm pretty sure Comcast will be its usual dicky self and charge a late fee. For paying like 5 hours late. Which I will fight. I'm hoping my on-time-paying customer status over the last few years will be enough to waive it.

Hopefully because the 1st fell on a weekend things will roll over to the next business day and I'll be ok. How do these things usually work?? I do not need one more thing on my plate. Merrrp, man.

24 March 2017

bits and pieces

My mind still has not grasped the massive difference between last week and this week. I'm kinda going through the motions, soaking up the experience and absorbing every learning moment I can. So far, I'm loving all the things. I'm feeling this for the long haul. It's all so good. Pinch me.

Work wardrobe is still abysmal. I must go shopping. Forcing myself to go and try on pants after pants and drop some cash on clothing.

I have developed a massive zit on the bridge of my nose, right where my glasses sit. Oy.

Speaking of glasses, this tiny little family of two has spent ridiculous amounts of money on vision correction lately (about a grand). We've both gotten contacts (daily disposables FTW) and I got a new pair of glasses that I don't love so I'm about to order these or these, and toot got two new pairs, which he desperately needed.

Speaking of toot, while I normally look forward to having the house to myself, this time to my surprise I find I'm missing the companionship that comes in toot form. I haven't felt this way in a long time. It's nice.
We've been getting along really great lately; almost as if something has turned a corner. Things feel different. Of course they do.

20 March 2017

life, revisited.

I've sat down to write this post several different times, but I would get up and walk away after only a few words; I couldn't find the right ones.

Somehow, describing the facts of this new chapter in my life don't capture the "pinch me I'm dreaming" effect. I can't spell out how huge this is. The sky's the limit?  No, no. This opportunity can catapult me over the moon and back twice around venus.

I could list the tangible items.
I could describe the daily changes.
I could talk about the difference in personal presence.
I could elaborate on the networking opportunities and perks- like hotel, rental car, and airline rewards.
I could say how much more I'll be learning, how much more I'll be earning, how I get MY VERY OWN SET OF PIPETTES.

-pause for effect, applause, and prosperity-

I'm suddenly in a league of incredibly intelligent people who are just as ambitious as I am, who are willing to teach me everything they know and help me succeed. I'm part of a collective of people who can make amazing things happen. I'm poised on a realm of possibility that I always thought I'd be lucky to achieve.

Here I am. This is actually it. The girl from the trailer park gets a company car and an American Express, bitches!

Jokes aside, I've worked hard for this and I deserve to be here. I'm going to use this opportunity full of new challenges to grow into something even better; to make my loftiest career goals happen. To make the world a little bit better from a different perspective. I'm a strong woman and I'm ready to keep roaring.

But all the same, I've got stars in my eyes.
I'm so thankful for them.