15 March 2018

Notes ish

A few notes:

- Waterproof mascara has come in CLUTCH two times this week. Solid purchase.

- Today, for the first time in probably 10 years, someone (respectfully) asked me if my boobs were real. I used to get that question all the time when they were huge and I showed them off all the time. But now they're smaller and they see WAY less daylight, and I try to keep my work wardrobe very modest. But I guess they're big enough now that people are doubting that I grew them all by myself. Which comes at a really good time since I'm single at 33 and my perky 20s are far behind so I welcome allll the boosts in attractiveness.

-Also, today I got my last two crowns put on. They feel really smooth and clean. I'M ALL DONE WITH MAJOR DENTAL WORK!! Three root canals, 4 crowns, countless fillings and a handful of sedatives later, I'm done! And you can bet your ass I'll be incredibly faithful to my 6-month checkups from now on. So tonight, I can chew on whatever side I want, and I will enjoy every bite of crunchy things with my expensive new teeth.

-Dog update for Drew: Andy moved out with Chris last summer. I didn't exactly miss her, but her absence was a little sad. I think if I ever saw her again I'd be happy to see her. She is, overall, a good dog. Plus after that little bout with dog companionship, I will never willingly get a dog, but I did develop an appreciation for them and can tolerate them a little more than I used to. Which I think is an important adaptation because everyone else in the world is obsessed with dogs and there's no way to get away from them.

-I'm exhausted lately. This project at work is barely on track, but we're making it happen. Trying to act like you're not sad about something personal at work is hard, too. Combine that with time change and I'm completely zonked. I'm so glad tomorrow is Friday. Oh there's this guy in this lab and we have a lot of chemistry. I feel weird about it because I am kinda single but technically not and I would never date a customer but the whole dynamic of being able to date any new person I come across is a new and weird thing to consider.

12 March 2018

legal advice

Full disclosure: I'm moderately inebriated. But that's okay. I'm sad...kinda. And I'm allowing myself to handle this however I want right now. Even though I'm not sure how I feel. I can't figure out if I'm even sad right now or something else. Besides drunk. I did consider yoga but that's for a healthier day.

Today is the first day in 15 years that Pumpkin has puked on the tile. Finally! No bedsheets to wash or carpet to scrub!

No, wait. That's not the focus of today. (Although the above fact is remarkable.)

Today, I did not cry.

Today I met with a lawyer to discuss my divorce. Saying it out loud (and telling people and writing it and hearing my mother tell people) is therapeutic, I think?

As nervous as I was, I have to admit it was a good experience. When I arrived for the appointment, I was brought into a conference room and placed in a cushy leather chair at a dark wood conference table.

I was told to fill out a form that had "Family Law" at the top. So I did. I filled out my address and ssn and date of birth, and Chris's address and ssn and date of birth. And our date and place of marriage.
At that moment, I felt strange. Like, acutely aware of the fact that I was providing the necessary information to sever ties with this man forever. I paused for a moment, considered that thought, and continued to fill it out. No tears threatened to fall, although I had worn waterproof mascara, just in case.

Then I was given a large packet to read:

Which I read. It was overwhelming and stark and informative at the same time.
(Those are my notes scribbled on the cover. I have no idea what they mean)

Then the lawyer walked in. Now, this lawyer was recommended to me by a high school friend who was divorced in the last couple of years and is now insanely happy with a new man in a new city. Life's crazy, right?

Anyway, I love my lawyer. (I feel weird saying I have a lawyer.)
She sat down at her computer and asked me a bunch of questions while typing away. She tried to figure out why we were splitting up, and I offered a vague, non-dramatic response. She asked more questions and typed some more. She asked if I wanted to keep the house and change my name. She told me my different options and respected every single opinion I offered.

She helped me understand all of my options, and I felt a little bit of a beast roar in her on my behalf before I explained that I wanted to keep all of this fair and simple.
Then she explained the process we decided on and answered all of my questions. Basically, I know she has my back in case shit goes awry. And I'm glad, because divorce is not cheap. It will take $2800 and 61 days to finalize this divorce, if things go according to plan.

Now I have a list of things to discuss with Chris. Because we are going to try and do things the civil way. Or at least I am.
To be honest, talking to him is going to be the hard part. Tomorrow is his birthday, so I guess I'll wait until Wednesday to bring it up. Although he might consider divorce a birthday present, I don't think it's classy to do that.

Hey, I didn't cry today!
(Ok, I teared up a little when I went back and read the post about our wedding.)

11 March 2018

big D

Last week was... catalytic?
It's hard to find the words to describe the definitive start of events that will change the course of the rest of my life. 
Because I've fought this.

Divorce. That word hangs in the air like a noxious cloud. I feel labeled. I hate it and want to shake it off my shoulders.

Through thick and thin, I've loved him. That's marriage to me. That's why I fought fiercely with everything I had and trudged through the limbo for so long. It was such a shame to watch this beautiful thing crumble as I struggled in vain to hold it together.

I reflect on all of this. [Talk about an opportunity for personal growth.]

I am allowing myself to mourn this magnificent loss one small step at a time. What a luxury.

I know that I love someone who isn't there anymore and he won't be coming back. I accept that. It's weird trying to reconcile all of those feelings while picking myself up and moving on. I've got my share of regrets. 

This process is not a straight line. It's curvy and twirly and one moment I'm confident and self-assured, and the next I find myself sobbing as I'm brushing my teeth. I'm investing in a solid waterproof mascara because I know the next few months are going to be... unpredictable.

BUT. At this point I know there is nothing else I can do, and with every stumble I stand up straighter and I'm noticing a small feeling of closure.

This finally feels right. It's a breath of bitterly fresh air to admit that.

There's no going back. And I'm one hundred percent okay with that.

08 March 2018

feet dragging

I don't want to move. I hate moving. It's a pain in the ass. It's SO STRESSFUL.

I like my house. I like the location and the last few years have been spent making it my own. I've invested so much time, energy, sweat, blood, and tears into this home. It feels like mine.

I'm so sad that I have to sell it and move out. I mean, that's what you do when you get divorced, right? There's no other fair way to divide the asset, and I don't have enough money to buy him out.

I'm sad that my husband doesn't love me anymore, and it breaks my heart but I've been dealing with that like a big girl.

However I feel like throwing a temper tantrum over losing my house.

06 March 2018


In case you were wondering, hot water heaters don't cost NEARLY as much as ovens* do. Thank GOD. Not sure why though. They both heat things. And I think hot water is more important than hot food, especially if you have a microwave and stove. But anyway.

They are especially less expensive when your baller brother gets a major discount at his job. And brings it over in his huge truck, and the two of you struggle to drag it into the house. Well, he was manly. I struggled. Upper body strength failed me again. I need to start doing pushups again, or something.

Anyway. After paying the plumber to install it, it'll cost about the same as the water heater at Home Depot, BEFORE counting their installation fees. Honestly it looks simple and I could probably hook it up myself, but gas appliances freak me out.
I don't want to accidentally blow up, you know? Oh, the continual joys of home ownership.

The install at work this week is going really well so far. I put in a 12-hour day on Monday so if I take tomorrow morning off it won't set me back. See? Adaptation.

Currently waiting on the laundry to finish because the cat barfed on the bed.

Oh, the continual joys of cat ownership.

04 March 2018

an expensive hassle

This morning I walked into the laundry room... and the floor was wet. 
I love it when stuff like that happens.

After I moved everything out and cleaned up the mess (which had started to grow mold in the corner), I discovered the source was, to my disappointment, the water heater. Oy.

2018 is proving to be an expensive year. I have savings to cover this, but I don't have the TIME for this. 

There's never a good time for crap like this to happen, but a hot water heater replacement doesn't exactly fit neatly into my schedule.

After traveling the last 2 weeks I need to get a few things in order, but tomorrow I'm starting an install 1.5 hours away with a very tight timeline. 

Okay. Time to deploy the adaptation skills, and maybe get by with a little help from my friends.

25 February 2018


Although my emotional state has been pretty steady lately (in part due to the many encouragements sent my way ♥), I've been feeling a little off and lost.
Since they tend to clear my head, I figured a yoga class would help. The only class offered on Sundays is called Soulful Sunday Yoga. Sure, why not?

This class was a little different than what I'm used to.

Today was a large class; about 8 people, plus the instructor. There was chatting amongst the group beforehand, and several folks have a lot going on. Moving across the country, starting new jobs, life changes, etc.

So the instructor focused on the community in the room, specifically. She told us to visualize inhaling positive energy and strength from the rest of the group, and exhaling doubts and fears so that the group would take a little bit of that energy and dissipate it. Kinda hippie, but right now I welcome anything- different ideas help direct my focus.

50 affirmations for goal-getters // rachelgadiel.com

The poses themselves were interesting and thoughtful. With this type of yoga, each pose is designed to be uncomfortable at first, but it's held for 3-5 minutes, and after a little while you end up stretching into it. I moved in ways I never have before. There were several areas where my muscles felt very tight; I know I carry my stress in my lower back and hips. By the end of each pose I felt more flexible, and like the tension in that area had slowly melted away. A fascinating combination of the mental and physical.

So after the hour of yin, now it's laundry and the usual Sunday stuff. The weather has brought rain and that unique gulf coast combination of humid, cool air.

It's a new day and even through my struggles I'm remembering to count my blessings.