31 May 2016


Here we go again.

Whether I like it or not, I'm at another turning point in my life. I will never be the same after I get through this.

Ironically, as a result I'm craving change. Something fresh and new. My surroundings remind me of the hardships that I haven't yet overcome, of the situations I'm still trying to figure out.

I always get like this, feeling stifled by life, wanting to rearrange the furniture... I'm not sure rearranging the furniture is going to work this time. I fantasize about calling the realtor and moving into a new space... but like Ashley said, maybe major life changes aren't a good idea right now. One thing at a time. I'm thankful there's a voice of reason because mine seems to have stepped out to get shitty drunk and flick me off from across the bar.

I'm so fucking lost. I don't know what to do. I have no direction. In my most desperate hours I wish I could make this all go away. I wish I could run away from it all. I wish I could have definitive answers. I wish a lot of things. I try not to wish too much because wishing doesn't do shit.

Instead I wake up, get things like false eyelashes and power lipstick to help me feel good about myself, and put one foot in front of the other and keep myself as steady as I can as my life is heaving and rolling beneath my feet. What choice do I have? I can't curl up and wait for my life to pass me by. Even the shitty things have to be experienced. I have to keep going.

I've been having vivid dreams about my worst fear coming true. It's not as horrifying as it once seemed. Rather than bring the relief and closure that in my waking hours I think it would bring, in my dreams the rejection still feels awful-- The hurt, the disbelief, the sensation of falling. It's so real and unreal.

I keep having the same thought: I can't believe I let another person put my life into such an unstable mess. I should be more in control of myself than this. Even the moments that should be seen as a positive sign are clouded in doubt. How can I trust my own judgement?

Lately I've found myself doing (and considering) things that I would have found inexcusable before. I'm not sure when my voice of reason (or I) will sober up and turn back into someone recognizable.

And, as always, I end on a positive note: I am strong enough to get myself through this, no matter how long I feel it's necessary to endure, and I will be even stronger after I do get through it.

And I will probably regret hitting the Publish button because yes, this phase of my life is hard but I'm being all dramatic about it because I've had wine.

22 May 2016

limbo suck

Things have been lousy lately.

I've found myself in this great big shitty limbo for the past few weeks. Which has done wonders for my psyche.

I've been up and down. Literally from one moment to the next I might be dejected, then convince myself to stand tall and think positively. Then I'll fall back down to morose and the next minute I'll have found my strength again.

At the end of every struggle is the recurring thought that no matter what happens, in the end I'm going to be okay. I wish I could be okay NOW instead of at the end, but life doesn't work that way.

Darn. I'd totally be down for that.

01 May 2016


So here's the thing.

Somehow, I turned into one of those women who loses their identity because they are too focused on their relationship*.

Because I consider myself to be a strong, independent woman, I am very ashamed to admit that.
But it's the truth.

I could try and figure out how it happened, and there are many factors, but that's not really the point. That particular analysis will come later.

The point is, my whole life revolved around him. And I knew it. And, honestly, it wasn't a problem.

I knew our marriage had been circling the drain and neither of us could seem to get a handle on it. So I clung tighter without any real direction.

Until one day when I was suddenly faced with the reality of a wandering eye, the reality that he might not want to be with me anymore.

Then my world fell apart.
Simply because my world was based on him, and he wasn't a rock-solid thing anymore. When the one thing you depend upon starts to crumble, naturally you become lost.

Oh, what a wake up call.
Why did I depend on him?
How did I lose myself?
What do I want? I don't know.
Do I have any hobbies? Nope. Drinking wine on the couch does not count.
What do I like to do? I don't know.

It's not a healthy situation for anyone, especially the one who is the dependent. But it's also not fair for the one who is being depended upon.

Imagine, if the tables were turned, how would I feel if someone's entire world revolved around me? Trapped. Smothered. That's how I'd feel. I'd try to scrape the barnacle off and run away as fast as I could.

So during this time of upheaval, maybe some good can be realized.

In almost every situation now, I think to myself,
"What would I want to be doing if he were not a factor?"
Which, honestly, could be a very real scenario. I do have to prepare myself for that possibility. This is not a fairy tale, this is real life.

So then, I think about what I'd want to be doing if no one else were to influence my decision. Then, I do that thing. And I don't worry about anything else. And right now that's a good thing. Sometimes you gotta worry about yourself, and the rest will follow

I've got to figure out how to survive for ME, with or without him. At the end of the day, all I can really depend upon is myself.

Yes, I might have made a mistake looking for happiness in the same place that I lost it. That thought haunts me every day. But deep down I know that something real is there and has always been there.

I still think my husband is wonderful. He's a good man and he makes me happy on so many levels. The past is the past, and things change, even if it was yesterday. We're just struggling to figure out what each of us wants, and how to match those things up.

If he wants, he can be there for companionship and love, NOT to provide the basis on which I plan every aspect of my entire life. Nobody deserves that kind of responsibility, and I'd be stupid to place that much control in someone else's hands anyway.

I got so wrapped up in him, that I forgot who I was. And I couldn't really see what was happening with him, ironically.

I'm so glad that I realized that. No matter what else happens, that will possibly be the most important lesson I learn in life.

*No thanks to the lousy therapist

not right

It's 1130am on a Sunday and I'm bored. The house is cleanish, the laundry is running, and the meals are planned.

No one wants to hang out so I guess I'll start drinking.

God damn, I've been so lost.
Trying to keep my head afloat with a smile on my face, but in reality I'm wandering around in a daze.

I dumped my therapist after the 2nd session because he:
1. Talked about himself WAY too much. This time I didn't try to steer him back on track, in case he had a point. If he had a point relevant to me and my problems, I didn't see it.
2. Referenced lesbians one time too many (once)
3. Told me my problems weren't actually that bad compared to his other clients' problems

I arrived seeking clarity and direction, and I left feeling ashamed and insulted and angry.

I don't get it. I'm PAYING a "professional" to talk about me and my problems. No matter how trivial they seem to anyone else, they are important to ME and I'm seeking help. And I get blown off? Really?

So, the search for the right therapist continues.