29 September 2016


UGH I've got a weird feeling. It's one of those odd gut feelings that can't quite be placed and I don't like it.


After today's fillings, my tooth landscape has changed and it's weird. I keep tonguing it. As far as the dental stuff goes, I'm done with the top right. Moving on to the top left. Valium seems to have zero effect except to make me sleepy enough so that someone needs to take me to the appointment and pick me up. Not convenient for anyone. The anxiety still runs rampant. I suppose it's something that I just need to get used to.

Today's the first day that it feels cooler. And by that I mean 80 degrees instead of 100. It's very pleasant. Of course I just came home after a visit to New York, which was also very pleasant, so it's extra-welcome. I need to go back and explore the city a bit. I only had time for the work things.

Back to having no motivation to work out. The efforts I made for a little while did nothing. Maybe that's why. I'm all about instant gratification, and unfortunately health doesn't work that way. I'd develop new habits to make it easier, but I just don't care! Given the choice, I'd rather drink wine, sleep, clean, go get a pedicure, cook dinner... than work out. I know it's awful. I'm hoping that the cooler weather will inspire me.

My brain is a jumbled mess of everything. Tugging me in all directions. I made some defining choices lately, but I still don't feel any more solid about the direction.
What I wouldn't give for some clarity and some settling of the misty nonsense.

I'm going to see if I can find a book to download.

20 September 2016

a little feels

It's been hard to categorize the feels lately.

A bit sad, a little regretful, yet motivated. 

Sometimes happy, sometimes redeemed. 

Sort of complete, yet sort of incomplete. 

Mostly a mixture of guarded and surprised.

I see changes, all around. Good or bad? Temporary or permanent? I'm not sure.

I still find myself doing more for me, being more selfish. And legitimately giving less fucks about a lot that I used to care about. I can't figure out if that's actually a good thing, but that's what I'm leaning towards.

I also know I've been more tired lately. 
Or maybe I've been this tired all along and I'm just now giving myself permission to BE tired.

P.S. check out this joyful traveling llama. 

18 September 2016


A few random products I'm loving lately:
  • Scentsy. I'd gotten a bit tired of the scents I had, so I got a bunch more, plus a new warmer. I simply can't be trusted to remember to blow out candles... and they really help my house not smell like dog.
I am especially excited about the car bars, which are new to me. My car doesn't exactly smell new anymore, and I've been putting those laundry crystals in a mesh bag in an attempt to make it smell fresh. The car bar is sooo much better!

P.S. Chris has the Weathered Leather one in his truck. Very manly.
P.P.S. Yes, the above links are shamelessly pointed to my sister's Scentsy shop. Remember, it's only September, but Christmas is coming...
  • Upgraded household items. 
  • Like the dish drainer. I traded in my old cracked plastic dollar store one for a metal one that is way more aesthetically pleasing. 7 bucks on sale. Not bad.
  • TOWELS. I noticed a few of our hand towels have disappeared (How?), so I wandered down the towel aisle at Target. There was a sale! I usually lean towards bleachable colors, but you know what? You only live once, and you might as well have pretty towels that make you happy.
P.S. It bugs me to no end that these look blue and red in the picture but they are actually mint and coral. That bathroom lighting is still kind of weird.
  • Bed Skirt Pins. These are little spiral nuggets of genius. I have spent years constantly adjusting the wonky bed skirt. These keep the skirt straight and seriously make a huge difference in how tidy the overall room looks. Even with an unmade bed. Plus they're like 3 bucks for 12, which is more than enough to pin down a Queen sized bed skirt.

I think these win the award for weird but cool and "didn't know I needed it until I got it" product of the month.

15 September 2016


Most of the time I drag myself out of bed in the morning looking forward to potentially taking a nap after work. Then I slightly-cranky schlup my way through the morning until the coffee cup is drained and I've had second breakfast. I'm simply not a morning person. Or, since it doesn't matter what time of day I wake up, I suppose I could rephrase that to say I'm not a waking up person.

But, how far will that take me in life? Will I be just as successful if I was more awake the first half of my day? Not to say that I can't autopilot the shit out of mornings and seriously kick some ass half-awake if I need to. I can turn off the cranky and step up the charm in a second, no matter how bleary I am. I suppose that's one of my strengths. Except I can't exactly put that on my resume along with my organizational and training skills.

Is it time to be an actual adult and start actually waking up before arriving to work?
Huh? Maybe?

I updated my resume. Not because I'm unhappy with my job. Quite the contrary; I love my job. Even in my polished half-awake state.
But I'm at the point where I'm comfortable and a bit complacent and I'm not challenged.
And when I look forward I see that the only steps to take are ones that I'm not exactly thrilled about. Do I really want to be a lab manager one day? Sounds so boring.

I updated my resume because there might be an opportunity arriving soon. The kind of opportunity where my name came up when these folks were looking for a person to fill the position. An opportunity that wasn't even on my radar. An opportunity that I'd be an idiot not to check it out, even if I don't particularly feel qualified and it's a bit of a stretch and I don't even know if I'd like it.

But what if? What if it's the next step and it turns out that it's the challenge that I need? And what if it opens even more doors? What if I hate it? Oh well, you live and learn and try not to burn bridges.

You miss 100% of the chances that you don't take.

I mean, I have to get out of bed anyway. Might as well put that lipstick on and rock it.

12 September 2016

Melting heart

Shoutout to the Aunties who squeal at snapchats.

08 September 2016

I just want to have teeth when I'm old

I had a dentist appointment today.
Nothing hurts, but I figured since I opted to get dental coverage this year, I might as well use it.

My last appointment 4 years ago yielded only 3 cavities after 6 years of neglect, and I had everything taken care of. Since then I've been brushing and flossing well, so I had no specific worries. That didn't stop me from being nervous about the xrays and cleaning. My blood pressure was even high when the tech took it, but I really thought, worst case, maybe a few of the older fillings might have to be replaced.

Oh, wow. I was horribly, horribly wrong.

After the very first x-ray, the tech asked if I drank a lot of soda. Um, no. Then she asked if I flossed. Yes, I floss. Especially since 4 years ago when I was scolded by the dentist, who mentioned that one of my cavities could have been prevented if I had just flossed. So now I floss. Like every night. And randomly throughout the day. I keep it in my car so if I'm stuck at a train or something, I floss.

What prompted her questions? Cavities. A shitload of them. Almost every single tooth.
Many forming between the teeth. You know, WHERE I FLOSS.

Shocked, I asked her to show me on the x-ray. In addition, she pointed out two more cavities so deep that she was surprised I didn't have any pain. The dentist confirmed they would require root canals and crowns.

Excuse me? Root canals? I brush! I floss! What the hell!

It turns out, those really couldn't be helped. One formed under an old filling that got loose and... one of the root canals is from a filling I got 4 years ago. They didn't get it all and it continued to rot my tooth underneath the filling. SERIOUSLY. Really.

I was floored. And terrified. And overwhelmed. The panic started to rise.

It's not even about the money; I can take that out of savings. It's about the procedures themselves. My blood pressure jumps up 20 points for a simple cleaning, and the last fillings were so bad I could barely stand it. And there were only 3 of them. I have to go back HOW many more times, for HOW many more fillings??  I can't handle it. I held back tears.

I'm so disappointed. I've been taking such good care of my teeth! How did things even get so bad? I don't even have much of a sweet tooth anymore. The hygienist even said my teeth weren't very dirty and I do a great job brushing and flossing.

I can think of two things:
1. Wine. That stuff can be pretty sugary, and I wasn't always great about brushing after getting drunk.
2. Gum. I don't chew gum as much anymore since my teeth got sensitive. I used to chew sugarless gum constantly, which they say washes away all the cavity-causing junk.

I'm starting to think that I just have bad teeth.

Trying to remain calm, I asked the dentist about sedation. Fine, I thought. Knock me completely out and get everything done at once. She said that it would cost an extra $1000+ and she doesn't offer it at her facility, so she suggested that I try Valium first.

Valium? Valium doesn't render me unconscious with no memory of the procedure! This is psyche-scarring shit! Clearly!

I held it together and waited until I got in my car to start panicking and crying and calling mom, who made me feel a lot better.

I got home and did a little research. It is pretty uncommon to get IV anesthesia at a regular dentist, and the cost is up there since it's not considered necessary by the insurance company.

So, it looks like I'll be trying Valium. The whole thing will be done in several smallish appointments. I'm scheduled to get the top right side done on Tuesday, and it's 4 cavities. No root canals on that section. Since the 3 cavities last time was definitely crossing the line, I wonder if the 4 cavities will be doable with the help of Prince Valium.

God, help me.

07 September 2016

read on

I have a coworker who was recently diagnosed with stomach cancer. Stage four. It originally presented itself as a lump on her neck. It had metastasized.
Life's a funny thing. Cancer's a bitch of a funny thing.

This woman has worked for our hospital for decades. I've worked here for merely a year.
But she's my friend. I love her spunky attitude and her dry humor. She's not everyone's cup of tea, but she's mine.

We would eat lunch together. We talked books and exercise (she loves tennis and running) and family and religion. We talked food and love and workplace drama and volunteering at the state park.

I knew when she had the biopsy done. Our pathologist diagnosed it. I ran her bloodwork. I saw the results. I knew the outcome. I saw the numbers.
Those numbers. I felt her tears when she saw the numbers. We googled things. She had a PET scan at MD Anderson. Our local community hospital doesn't have that technology. She's having chemo done at our hospital. Every Thursday.

At the beginning of her treatment, she still came to work. I sat with her in the break room and distracted her so that she could eat a container of yogurt without vomiting. I made her laugh. I listened to her. I asked her questions.

I don't see her in the break room anymore. Instead I saw her name on the ER board one day. I crossmatched her units of blood. I continuously run her labs. I say a little prayer when I call her criticals to her nurses.

Every once in a while I get a few minutes on a Thursday afternoon to go upstairs and sit with her during chemo. She's doing better. Her eyes water constantly, a side effect of the treatment. Her tears are milky and leave a residue around her eyes. We make jokes about her white blood cell counts.

We still talk about books and how she can't enjoy a margarita anymore and the increased time she gets to spend with her granddaughter, and how she tries to volunteer again. Short spurts are better.

She's a beast. An inspiration. She's a strong bitch. I might have given up if I was her. But she keeps on keepin' on.

She's got a ton of time to read lately, and she's been passing her finished books to me. I'll come in to work and find a book on my desk. Literary presents.
I'll read them. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. Then I pay them forward. Mom's got one right now. The next one will go to the pathology secretary at work.

I sat with her at another coworker's retirement party last week. She ate two bites of lasagna. Her toenails were painted teal. She looked fabulous and tired.

I do miss my friend.

06 September 2016

it's okay

I came home ok today.

Then I saw the congealed yogurt bowl in the sink, next to a rank few-days-old protein shake, and I got crabby. I tried unsuccessfully to fight it. It was a long day, I'm tired, plus I'm about to start my period so cranky is the default setting.

Hubs suggested that I have a glass of wine. Good move, but not exactly the best. The best move would have been to not let me come home to festering things in the kitchen. How hard is it to rinse a bowl and NOT let things get moldy in your bag??? I fear this is a particular battle I will never win. It's a horrible concession that I will never stop fighting. The unsanitary humanity!! Who lives like that??

(In the meantime, I am thankful that he will usually honor my requests to clean up the funk himself, and thank God for bleach.)

I assumed my cranky position on the far end of the (newly washed*) couch, scrubs and bra and panties shed in favor of cotton shorts and a tank top with a shelf bra. Then hubs mentioned dinner.
Ugh. I had planned to make sweet potato chili. While the temperature has mercifully declined to a mere 95 degrees outside, it's still too hot for chili. My pumpkin-spice fever got ahead of me a bit when I made the menu and planned to make chili.

Standing in the sweltery kitchen above a boiling pot of spicy soup? No, man. Bra or no bra, undies or no undies. I prepared my inner diva for the task, because... we have to eat.

Then, simply enough, hubs swooped in and saved the day. It started with a suggestion to eat sushi for dinner. We usually order take out, but every damn time they get our order wrong.

I attempted the usual suggestion to eat at the restaurant. I love going out and sitting at the bar and enjoying a nice meal, but he prefers the couch to a crowded restaurant. I get it, but a change of scenery is so nice sometimes. To my surprise, after minimal coaxing, he agreed to go out.

I jumped up, put my bra back on, and donned my newest dress** which made me feel put-together and cute in an instant.

A short drive later, we enjoyed a fresh, quick, air-conditioned meal and a few drinks at the local sushi place. Early dining ensures that it's just us and a few old folks, which I am perfectly ok with since I normally come home hungry anyway.

My diet app didn't love the fact that I poured myself another glass of wine and enjoyed a small piece of chocolate after dinner, but that's life. There's not much to do about pre-period hunger, and at least I stayed right at my saturated fat goal.

Plus, I'm in a MUCH better mood.

*That's a coffee-everywhere story. Let's just say that the couch cushions have washable-ish zippered covers and that's a good thing! 

**Except the opposite color scheme: White with black pattern.