29 November 2007


i feel strange.

i was driving home tonight and had an incredible helpless sensation of becoming unconscious. i was aware of it but at the same time i was as foggy as the night, talking to myself, saying out loud that i would be ok to try and force some kind of realism back into the moment.

heart racing, scared i was not going to be able to hang onto consciousness. my hoodie became unbearable. i was too hot, i was too cold, i couldn't focus. yet i was extremely aware of what was going on. i caught myself hyperventilating and forced myself to sing along to the music to even out my breathing.

my first thought was, i'm hungry and i'm getting faint. but no, paying attention, i wasn't hungry. come to think of it i haven't been hungry or had any kind of appetite or cravings. i haven't gotten that kind of hunger that makes you really want a meal. even so, i've eaten today. i don't think it was hunger.

so what was it?
maybe i need sleep.

27 November 2007


I feel flushed and headachey. Kind of in a daze trying to figure what just happened over the past three hours.

I am normally NOT a fan but I just got caught up in a whirlwind of grade A middle school quality DRAMA.
I don't know how it happened, it just took over and whoosh! whisked me away. Things haven't settled yet and I'm all full of not knowing who to trust. Each angle has valid points and I am horrible at deciphering what it all means. Everyone has something to hide.

Thank God I have my little drama guru, Ashley, to help me with this. She's siding with the one I never thought she'd side with. She can't believe it, either! lol

I'm going to sit tight and see what happens. I hope this has blown over but knowing the instigator(s), I'm sure I haven't heard the last of it.

The more I think about it, the more I wonder why it even started and the motives behind it. Who randomly calls someone up out of the blue to gossip? It's not like I was even that close with the person who blabbed or had anything to gain from hearing ANY of it. I am naive when it comes to that and I can be easily manipulated by those who are better at it than I am. I have a sneaking suspicion I've been had.

I am ashamed of myself for getting caught up in it. I am not an evil, two-faced, conniving, gossiping bitch and I think it would be best to avoid those who are from now on.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: I need to learn how to keep my mouth shut.
Gossip is powerful people.

26 November 2007

so much for optimism

Well, let's go with the old saying: some things never do change. I hope to God someday they will change.

[you can't tell me you love me and then walk away]

So I'm in love with someone I can't be with. Been unable to shake this feeling since I met him.
Mental illness doesn't just affect that person, it affects everyone who bothers to care.
I am going to do my best to be there for him, kuz that's what I do, but I seriously wonder if I am strong enough for this to happen again.

On that note, I am thinking about quitting my job even more after recent events. I think above all I need a change. There are too many opportunities out there to have to dread going in to work every day.

I hope I have the courage, and I hope I'm not making a mistake. Decisions.

Life has been fucking with me lately. I can do two things: whine about it or realize that it's only going to make me stronger. Let's go with strength. No one likes a whiny wimp.

25 November 2007

of love and shower caulk.

So I caulked the shower. It was kind of fun once I got the hang of it. Of course it's kind of messy but it's functional and will hopefully prevent any more of those nasty invaders from reappearing. I swear if I did all this and they're STILL there... I don't know what. Become the obsessive bleach queen I guess.

This holiday has been a nice break from school and work but now, now it's kind of boring. Everyone's out of town or busy and I'm just stuck here at home with everything cleaned and a lack of will to study.

You know how history repeats itself? Well, this will be the last time it does.
I mean that.
I am jaded enough to make this promise good.
That being said, it would be so nice to be able to let go and fall in love again without any worries.
Optimistic, yes. But nevertheless it's what I want.
I'm ready for whatever life throws my way.

24 November 2007


After 3 days of a gluten-free diet, I have decided that I desperately need to learn how to cook. Or, rather, I need to find the time to learn how to cook and cook decently.

I've been pouring over recipes, there are so many it's overwhelming to narrow down which ones to try. I've been buying various flours but not knowing what to do with them. The ingredients are all so unfamiliar and besides, the only cooking I usually do is baking. It's so foreign to think of actually cooking myself a real meal that does not come from a box.

Because, I can do this, but it's going to get real old eating plain rice with pepper and salt sprinkled on top. Not to mention it's not very nutritious. I wonder if I should consult a nutritionist...

But the bottom line is I need to learn how to cook. Keep vegetables and things like chicken stock on hand. Actually cook fresh meat instead of pulling it out of a bag and heating it up. Get me some pots and pans and actually use that stovetop for more than heating up water.

My mom's been a great help, especially with Thanksgiving, doing her own research and trying to make gluten-free dishes. She made pumpkin pie, but put a little filling in a ramekin to make a pumpkin custard for me. She set aside some sweet potatoes before adding the marshmallows and made a separate little dish so I could eat them.
I think she feels guilty because it's very likely that this came from her side of the family, and she's also been trying to feed me whole grain wheats to lower my cholesterol all summer. It's NOT her fault and it would be absurd to blame her.

I am craving garlic bread.

21 November 2007

today is the first day

...of the rest of my life.

My doctor called me this morning, waking me from a very comfortable snuggle-fest. Basically she called to inform me that the tests for Celiac Disease were positive. She said she sent me a package in the mail with information, referrals to Gastroenterologists and a copy of my lab results. [she knew I'd want to see them] Looking at the lab results, holy crap. The values in my blood were TEN TIMES the values signalling a positive result.

Wow. So, I guess I need to change my diet immediately. I did some more research and my fridge is full of lists of ingredients to look out for when shopping. My mom ran out and got some gluten-free cake mixes that I can eat while everyone else gorges on pecan pies and pumpkin cake tomorrow. The majority of the food will be okay though.

I know a few people who have done research or know/are celiacs and they are helping me out tremendously. The hardest part will be getting into a routine of realizing what foods are safe and which are not.

This does explain a lot of things, I hope I start to feel better soon.

18 November 2007

studying, sweethearts and shower critters

I am so sick of studying. I only have two more days until I get a break, but I just can't seem to force myself to study anymore. After a day of cramming with a nice little break of socializing at Scott's bday party, I was headed home to study some more when I decided I needed a break. I drove the habitual route in the dark and rain to find some calm comfort.

I fell asleep perched on the edge of a couch snug in the arms of a scratchy chin and the smell of cigarettes & him. The sounds of Stereophonics playing on the tv, the mellow soundtrack of some movie that drifted in and out of my restless consciousness.

I woke up early and decided to leave. When I bent down to kiss him goodbye, I smiled. Even the most guarded of individuals becomes sweet and cozy when asleep, hair all mussed, snuggled up under a blanket.

On a completely different note, I did some research on those nasty little fuckers that are appearing in my shower and I think they are drain fly larvae. {collective shudder}
So what I have to do is get dear old daddy to throw some poison down the drain, and since the flies are laying their eggs in the cracks in the caulk on the floor, I have to re-caulk it. This means I have to use the upstairs shower for a while because the shower has to be completely dry. Lovely.

I am totally looking forward to dinner with the girls after my test Monday.

16 November 2007

isn't this world amazing?

What a week!
It's almost done, I made it through okay so far. Ochem exam tonight, and this weekend will suck but after Monday I get a little break.

So I am normally pretty happy.
Lately, I've been waking up with a smile on my face and I feel like I could just burst from all the happiness inside me. Things are just fitting together in that way they do so randomly in life.

No more rental car or insurance stuff to deal with, I love driving my new car. It's a saturn ion. I'm pretty excited that it's all under my name, no parents cosigning. How adult-ful!

I updated my resume and started looking for another job. This one's okay but I think I need a change, something different.

The weather is gorgeous, nice and cool and sunny. I think that's having a huge effect on my mood.

I've gotten to spend time with that one special person, and I'm so freaking happy to see things starting to turn around for him. Not just because I'm reaping some of the benefits, but because someone I care about, someone who I've made sure to be there for during rough times is taking major steps to pull themselves out of it.

I am confident, I am brilliant, I am beautiful. I am not hopeful, but instead reveling in the blessings that I have been lucky enough to secure.
I know all good things must come to an end but right now I'm on top of the world.

11 November 2007


In case I miss something during the week...

x buy car!
x study for ochem lab final
x work on physiology lab scientific paper
x practice ochem reactions
x bake items for AHPS bake sale?

x OCHEM LAB FINAL/ checkout
x meet with Lindsey to do physiology lab report
x finish physiology paper
x practice ochem

x get to campus early, pick up NSCS tshirt in library
x meet w/ David for tutoring

x class, work
x breathe
x update resume and apply for jobs

-(no work)
-730pm OCHEM EXAM!!
-drink some of that compound i've been writing over and over... CH3CH2OH

-football game 230?
-start studying physiology

-giving tree
-study physiology

-(no work)

Did I forget anything?

10 November 2007


and not the organic kind that i usually refer to.
i'm talking vibes. the kind of shit you can't explain except for a feeling.

either you have it or you don't. but that doesn't always matter when it comes to the way life goes and the way things have to happen.

life's generally good but sometimes... sometimes it really sucks.

09 November 2007

maturity rocks!

I love being an adult.
Aside from the responsibility and bills, hitting a certain level of maturity and being around those who share that maturity is so very nice.

I'm glad I am able to handle these issues like an adult, without the unnecessary drama. I am a big fan of frankness, probably because I'm not very good at deciphering vagueness.

I am excited about the future. You never know what will happen. Oh, God I hope for the best. I was so worried that it would never happen and now, sitting upon the threshold watching, I see enormous potential. I am so very happy for the good things that are happening, especially since they're not happening to me. I've already got a blessed life, it's damn time that people I care about get a break.

07 November 2007

suprises and not-so-surprises

I came home after a long day to find two surprising things on my desk: the knitting needles I was wanting and some random lab orders from my doctor.
The needles were a gift from my great-aunt. She's visiting from Arizona for a few weeks. I've seen her briefly twice-- never home long enough to see her. I wish I could spend more time with her.
The lab orders were for celiac disease. Umm, what the hell? I haven't even seen her for any problems relating to this. It really was random. I am impressed, though. She did a little putting two and two together. So I did some research and I'll do the tests, but I doubt I have it. At least I don't have to fast for the tests. I hate fasting, I get all dizzy. Still haven't figured out exactly what's wrong with me. I am fine with managing the symptoms through medication but it would be nice to find out the cause.

So the long day: rat gut physiology lab = disgusting. For once I did no cutting and left it up to my labmates. Give me frogs any day. I studied much more for this immuno exam than for the last one, but I feel I did worse on this one. Then during karaoke night, the lack of sleep hit me and I just wanted to fall asleep at the table.

I did some thinking on the drive home. I finally understand those words that were silently spoken so long ago and I wasn't sure what they meant. And that fucking scares me. I need to figure out a way to change this. I need patience and I'm sure time will help.

Now that I'm home and able to lay in my bed, I can't sleep.

I can pick up my glasses tomorrow :o)

05 November 2007

slowing down

i should be studying for immuno. or working on my physiology lab report. or practicing ochem reaction problems. something productive. but these thoughts keep distracting me.

today was a strange day. oh, it was normal in the routine sort of way, but had an odd feel to it. it seemed surreal, unsettling.

on the way to work i stopped by the post office and mailed my very first postsecret postcard. the secret written on it is one that i'm unsure about. i hope it inspires someone.

i told dave about what has been bothering me. it seemed to clear my head about the whole situation. i'm ok with sitting tight for now. i need to learn to think before i act. i need to learn patience and self control. i've become too liberal with the self-satisfaction that comes with going for what i want without regard for the consequenses. life's more complicated than that.

one day at a time.

04 November 2007

status quo

I'm sitting at my desk. The windows on my computer consist of a google result for normal tidal volume, this page, and a word document containing my lab report. The tv is tuned into ESPN and the UH vs SMU game that I'm not attending. Actually I think it's over by now. They're doing some kind of interviews. I hope we won!

I am so confused right now. I don't know what to think; I don't know what to do. I can't write frankly about certain things anymore because quite a few people that I actually know now read this. I am certain I would get my ass verbally kicked if I did. Maybe a few punches and some "what the hell are you thinking??"

I know I have no self control. I do things I know I should not do, but I want to do them... and you know what? I rarely regret doing them. But I need to stop being so selfish. I need to think of others instead of myself.

This is a very sticky situation. The advice I've been given from the couple people that I've partially confided in have told me to sit tight. But for how long??

My fingers are itchy and I'm anxious. I want to talk to people. I hate waiting
Ha, I'm also not very patient.

03 November 2007

thinking and re-thinking.

I feel blah.

Today was a good day, very productive. Day and Ash helped me pick out my new glasses. They're plastic frames, different from anything I've worn. I'm looking forward to not having to wear contacts all the time.

I need to do schoolwork. My last ochem lab is this week! Then the next week it's the final and check out. 6 whole hours of freedom regained.

Been thinking about a lot of things lately; lots of stuff has been going on. It's another one of those times where I'd rather wait for something to happen than make a choice.

I wonder if I'd be thinking this way if things had stayed the way they were going?

02 November 2007

friday morning

I do not usually dig women singers. They're too whiny for me.
But I just love Ingrid Michaelson. Especially The Way I Am. It's so cute and catchy!
Go look it up. Now. Then tell me how much you love it.

Went to the eye doctor today and she said I have congenital cataracts in both my eyes. Hm. No one's ever said that before! Oh, well just add it to the list.

As I'm typing this, my mom is singing Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas. I absolutely love her, haha.

Well I'm going to go skip around and sing, it's a beautiful day and I have a date with a cutie tonight.