29 June 2016

life choices

This morning I was sitting at the dining room table, when I glanced outside and my jaw dropped.

That dog was eating my flowers. Literally chomping off the blooms and swallowing them. I could not believe it, so I watched and sure enough, she ate another one. Like a fucking gourmet dog salad.

I thought I was not watering them enough, or the light was wrong in that spot.
But the problem was that the horrible dog has been snacking on my flowers. I could cry.

I can't plant a garden because she will destroy it. I can't put anything in the flower beds because she will trample them. I can't put flowers up on the porch because apparently she will fucking eat them.

Too bad they aren't poisonous.

I'll try to find a cheap baker's rack or shelves to put them on, out of her chomping reach. I'm so mad.

22 June 2016


I went and surprised myself.

After being lost for so long, I'm starting to feel like me again. Except, an improved version.

I feel more collected. More sturdy. Stronger, now that I'm not being beat down from every angle, real or imagined. Now that I'm not second-guessing and over-analyzing everything, except a text message here and there. I've been able to let my guard down and heal a bit. This time away from him has been good for me.

I still don't know what will happen. Right now I'm all about me and I'm loving that. I forget how much I love being independent. Yes, I do get lonely, but it's my choice to stay lonely or go out and seek company. The difference is that this time, I'm not hesitant to go out and seek company.

These past few weeks have been so easy and it would to be extremely difficult to go back. It would be so much easier to let it all go and live my life. It would be so hard to try and fix these problems, to merge our lives again, to swallow pride, to forgive, to let go of the ugly stuff.

I still have not decided if it's worth it-- I don't know if I've been hurt too much and there's no going forward. I don't know if I want to be with someone who makes me feel like I'm not good enough- whether it's intended or not.

IF we can be good, I want it. If it's going to continue to suck, I don't need it. I can't do it.

I still don't know if he has even decided if it's worth it. He may feel like things are better without me. And as much as that stings, it's okay for him to feel that way.

Yes, a big fat giant limbo is still here, but damn I feel so much better about the outcome that I was dreading. I'm not afraid of it. Now, I find that I'm dreading the opposite.

How's that for some irony?

P.S. I got my evaluation at work today and my boss gave me nothing but glowing praise. Even through this hard time, I still manage to rock the workplace party.

21 June 2016

looking forward

Sheets are washed.
Guest toilet has been scrubbed. Good toilet paper has been put out.
Saturday girls game night has been established.
I have like 8+ bottles of wine plus vodka and whiskey. 

Shopping list includes stuff for moscow mules and hummus and carrot chips and real chips. Duh.

Sister rolls in at some late hour on Friday, but I work late so that's okay.

Saturday at 10 am I'm at Vintage Market Days ready to go antiquing.

I'm super fucking stoked for this weekend and it's only Tuesday.  For fuck's sake, get here already!

20 June 2016

Things I'm loving lately

Spray sunscreen.
No more greasy hands. Seriously. You just spray the heck out of yourself and go. Especially good for when there's no one around to sunscreen your back. Because skincare in the sun is important.

Black Box Wine.

Frank turned me on to this. He buys it because Chelsea doesn't go through an entire bottle in one sitting, like the good non-alcoholic that she is. I tried some at his place and I was surprised at how good it was. I ended up purchasing a 3-glass portion of Merlot to comply with the no-glass-containers-at-the-pool rule. I'd buy more. Especially because I spotted a 3 Liter Malbec at my local grocery store.

RTIC Tumblers.
Cheaper than Yeti. Works just as well. Running back and forth between biohazard areas and clean areas of the lab, it takes me a couple of hours to finish my coffee in the morning. I've been on the search for decent road cups that actually keep my coffee hot. These win. We bought 2 at the local Buc-ee's but I will get a couple more when I find myself in that area again.

That's all I've got for now.

19 June 2016

Flowers, Flowers everywhere

Yesterday's pool day was so fun that I didn't even take any pictures. I needed that. Did it really happen if I didn't instagram it? We'll never know.

My body insecurities went out the window because I decided I didn't give a fuck. Plus after the pool party I dropped Ashley and Calvin off, and one of Collin's friends later asked Ashley if she could hook us up. If I'm cute enough in my post-pool-party grossness to get a second glance, I must be doing ok. Thanks for boosting my self-esteem, guy. If I end up single, we're hanging out.

So anyway this morning I slept until 11. It felt SO good to get a solid night's sleep. I woke up, had breakfast, then paid some bills.

Even with my must-save-money phase in serious swing, I decided that I had enough money in my bank account to go get some flowers. So I traipsed to the local nursery and spent an hour wandering the greenhouses. Grabbed whatever caught my eye. Filled my carts with abandon, leaning towards the hot pinks, yellows, and oranges. I wheeled my carts to the checkout, sweaty, with dirty feet and a sense of satisfaction. Ah, so pretty. (That's not a real person, although it looks like it. It's just cutout.)

I prepared to cringe at the checkout, but only $100 and change later, I was ready to florify. Andy did some quick quality control.

I picked the sizes perfectly, because most of the plants went from the nursery container straight into the pot with no added dirt.

I should have snapped a pic of each plant individually, because I snagged some really unique ones. Some I'd never seen before. I found a bucket of some flower that I'd pinned on pinterest a while back. I even got some cool ornamental peppers. If they live, I'll go back and snap a few pics.

The afters:

Turtle got some Lemon Drops, which love full sun and humidity so I should have gotten like 20.

I always avoided hanging baskets on the front porch, even though there are very convenient hooks begging for foliage. Why? Because hanging baskets are ugly. Like, the basket part. Fortunately these trailing vincas cover up the ugly basket part-- Vincas always make my heart sing. The curb appeal just got boosted.

So there's my flower day. I hope they all stay alive!

My only regret? Not grabbing one of these cool guys.

The flowers were huge, but it's more of a tree than a small flowering bush so I passed them up. Now I wish I had gotten one. They're so whimsically Dr. Seuss-ish. I may go back.

18 June 2016

another insecurity bites the dust?

For some reason last night kitty decided to get really excited about something and meow fantastically while tearing about the room. For hours. I eventually got up to see what was so important, but I was unable to find a bat, or a mouse, or a roach, or a lizard. So I went back to bed. Maybe I'll find it, maybe I won't.

Started my period today, so now I'm stuck in all its bloaty, crampy gloriousness. I feel like I'm 14 again because I'm going to a pool party and I'll have to deal with tampon changings and blegh.

And then I started thinking about how all my friends are going to see my bloated body and think I'm fat and tell everyone that I got fat. And it hit me just how ridiculous that sounds.

I'm thirty-freaking-one years old and I'm worrying about what my friends will secretly think of me in a bikini. I am a grown-ass woman. I should not give a shit about what anyone thinks, especially my closest friends who are not there to judge me as I lay by the pool. They're there to share my wine and talk about celebrities, duh. Does the body insecurity never end??

On that note, I gotta go shave all the parts. And pack a lunch.
I've been craving pool time and I'm going to enjoy it!

17 June 2016

backyard musings

I love watching the sun set while sitting on the back porch. It's always gorgeous. One of the perks of a corner lot-- the view is not completely blocked by neighbors' houses.

Since Dad came and Tommy sprayed the bejeezus out of the yard to get rid of any roachy critters, I've spent most of my evenings lately enjoying a beverage on the back porch.

The dog can hardly contain herself simply because I'm hanging out.

There has been no real opportunity for getting out of the house, and my desire for drunken abandon in public has waned. Going into work early the last few days probably had something to do with it. And my credit card bill.

Plus, as this afternoon so boldly exampled, being distracted at work can kill someone and get you fired. Completely plausible and narrowly avoided. Kind of taking myself a bit more serious when it comes to rolling into work hungover. At any rate, I'm in a better place so I think that danger has passed.

I have spent the last couple of months preparing myself mentally for the worst-case scenario. For a while there I was convinced I would need to sell the house and move. Why give a fuck about something I'm about to leave behind? Embrace the change in scenery, leave this entire shitshow behind. It's ironic, because I keep calling it the worst-case scenario, but it's actually the easiest. Leave, give no fucks. Start over.

With all of this back porch sitting, I got sick of staring at the jungle in the flowerbeds one night. I went on a bit of a clearing tear. Rearranged some things. I plan to fill those empty pots with flowery gloriousness.

I came to some sort of internal agreement with myself at some point this week. I don't know when or how it happened. I let my guard down-- mostly because I'm so fucking exhausted from having it up-- and I decided that if there is a chance that I'm staying, I might as well enjoy the scenery. So flowers. All the fucking flowers. My downfall might as well be flowery, right? [Plus they're in pots so I can take them with me.]

I became incredibly apathetic about a lot of things after I had my little breakdown. Everything I used to stress about got wiped out all at once and I gave no fucks about anything. Like a clean slate was created. Or, you know, a vacuum of depression. Except I didn't really feel depressed. It was more like a struggle to find my strength and come to terms with my reality. Anyway.

So I came to terms with it and I fully prepared myself mentally for that reality. Except it hasn't happened yet. So my brain is like, well, I'm bored and nothing is happening. Let's explore other options.

I'm still not convinced things will be ok, but for some reason right now it feels right to let a lot of shit go and have a little faith. Maybe my mind is telling me I need a bit of a break? Like I said, I've been pretty steadfast in my "shit is beyond repair" attitude, and I've been pretty adamant about preparing for the worst, mentally. What else could I do?

I'm not exactly sure what changed my mind. Maybe I just got tired. Maybe being alone for a while idealizes things. Maybe I noticed a few things that indicated change and effort and as much as I want to write them off as not good enough, I can't.

I'm not saying that it's enough. I'm not saying that things will work out. I'm not saying that I even believe that they will. I'm a realist. And when things go this far south, is there anything worth saving?

I don't know. This is new territory for me.

But goddamn, I still take comfort in the idea of the offchance that I might still have someone to call home. THAT might be my downfall but in the meantime, it's keeping me sane because the other option hasn't come to fruition yet. I'll take it. And I'll probably change my mind tomorrow.

12 June 2016

hold, hold on

I love how the fence boards all get a few shades darker when it rains.

I love mixing peas into pasta sauce.

I love how, last night, for the first time in a long time, I didn't feeling like getting hammered. So I didn't. I even tried, but my body simply wasn't going to have it, and I didn't feel like I needed it. I think I've allowed myself to run rampant long enough.

I feel a bit more steady, all things considered. Still hanging out in no-man's land, but better. It's the worst when I'm tired; all things are heavier when you're tired, especially emotionals.

It's a new week tomorrow, and maybe I'll feel like experiencing it instead of getting through it.

10 June 2016


False eyelashes. I tried them! With mixed feelings. Exhibit A:

I loved the look... after about half of them fell off. The full set is way too gaudy and I dig a look that's more natural.

I could go back to the place and request just that, but my coworker mentioned that she does hers herself, using lashes from the drugstore. That intrigued me. Customizable AND cheap? Yes, please.

So I bought myself a set, then got irked when I discovered that they don't come with glue. So they sat there until I eventually got glue.

It was a bit awkward applying them, but after a few tries I got them to stick in a reasonable way. I only applied a few, to fill in the gaps where the previous falsies fell off and took a few of my real lashes with them-- another reason why I'm not in a hurry to go back and get another set.

No clue how long these will stay on. I'm guessing they'll fall off in the shower, since it's regular glue and not whatever industrial-strength stuff they use at the professional place. Seriously it's been about a month and I still have a few falsies refusing to fall off. Even after I saturated them with baby oil. Fine, stay. I don't mind.

All in all, it was a fun thing to try, and I might go back and get another (more sparse) set for a special occasion. It was really nice waking up and looking fabulous, and I didn't have to worry about my makeup smudging or sweating off in the summer heat. They did require a bit more care than I'm used to (avoiding: water in the shower, sleeping on my side, and rubbing my eyes), not to mention the unfortunate demise of several real lashes, so it definitely won't be a regular thing.

I'll most likely apply a few of the drugstore lashes for a little glam if I'm going out or need a boost.

08 June 2016

taco grande

I've been on a taco kick. I think I've eaten tacos 12 times in the past two weeks.

That's an exaggeration, but I AM seriously into tacos right now. So I've eaten them for the past 3 meals. And washed them down with a bottle of wine, but that's just the phase of life I'm in.

When will I feel like being healthy and fit? I dunno. I'm sure it will hit me.

Right now I'm so darn tired I'm going to watch tv until I fall asleep early.

06 June 2016


When I try to think back to what it was like living alone, I can't remember it. It's all become part of the pre-Chris blur. To the time when I dreamed of infinitely better days. When I believed in infinitely better days.

How was I to know what the future held? How can I know what the future holds? Reality shifts so seamlessly.

At the moment I find it unbearable to be in this house alone. Like I can't be trusted.

Which is why I was so grateful that my sister chose tonight to host a few girls over at her place. And I drove an unfamiliar vehicle home after an unreasonable amount of drinks. But, it's so incredibly therapeutic. And, so much healthier... mentally. I don't know if I'll ever be comfortable like this again. But, again, reality shifts so seamlessly, and I have a long time to adjust.

How will I feel when it's over? How will I look back at this? I suppose in 21 days I'll have a better idea. I feel like it's some kind of test.

In the meantime I try to interpret mixed messages, and I keep my phone close by just in case.

P.S. this is pretty.

03 June 2016

pumpykins is ok!

This sweet 13-year-old kitty's organs functioned well enough this morning for her to undergo anesthesia.

They pulled a tooth that had splintered and exposed a nerve, which was completely unknown to us until she was put under. The tooth we originally assumed was bothering her simply had a little tartar scraped off. That's the thing with animals; they can't tell you what's wrong, and you don't know what's wrong until you can get a good look under sedation. I'm glad I trusted my gut and have had her teeth looked at periodically over the past few years.

Poor kitty. That HAD to be painful. Hopefully she'll be feeling better soon. I think this is the last time we'll be able to do any dental-related procedures in her lifetime. She's on a new expensive high-protein, low-carb diet that is more geared towards oral health, so here's hoping there are no more issues!

I'm so glad we got this resolved successfully. I've really been worrying about this. One more thing under the bridge, and I get to keep my kitty for little while longer.

01 June 2016


Do you love the new gorgeousness?
I do, too.

I have my sister to thank for the catchy new identity, and AngieMakes.com to thank for the uber feminine look. I took all the pink and girly and I ran with it. I will probably tone down the frouf in a while, but for now I'm reveling in it.

And now, something gratuitously pretty.