31 July 2017

Isabelle

I keep a couple of her letters in my desk. I'm not an overly sentimental person when it comes to keeping old things but for some reason it has always felt right to hold on to a few of her letters.


Although her body was shutting down, her mind was all there. How must that feel, to be acutely aware of your own mortality? She frankly told us that she was ready to die peacefully in her bed. She said, at 95, she'd had enough of life. It was a bit unnerving, but I mean, I get it. If I was 95 with congestive heart failure, I'd probably be ready to die, too.

When Ashley and I concluded our visit to Wisconsin a few weeks ago, she seemed strong, and in good spirits. That didn't stop her from telling us as we hugged her goodbye, "Take a good look! You won't be seeing me again!"

I'll be damned if she wasn't right. The thing is, I really expected to see her again. I figured she'd hang on for a while longer, even as the disease and drugs gradually shut down her body. I figured it would be more of a process, perhaps because working in healthcare, I've seen that long, slow decline.

Nope. The woman said her goodbyes, took her last communion, made peace with the world, and slipped off to heaven in her sleep, in her own bed. I'm convinced that somehow, she orchestrated this. I gotta give the woman props. She actually died how she said she wanted to. Slow clap for grandma.
 
I know that it's a good thing that her life ended now. It would have been horrible to watch her suffer. I'm thankful that it didn't get to the point that her death would have been a bittersweet relief.

That being said, it's a sad day. She really was a joy to be around. There's so much about her that we don't get to know now. It is a shame that we lived so far away and our visits were not frequent.

It's surreal that she won't be around to teach us anything else. Just a few weeks ago, we learned that Orioles love grape jelly. I'll never hear her tell the story again about the hummingbird who drank the sugar water mixture moments after it was out of the fridge. The stories about going to dances on Friday nights and wringing chickens' necks for dinner. I'll never hear her talk again about all of her 13 brothers and sisters, and how they all died.

I'll miss her sense of humor. She had a sense of humor you'd never expect from such a sweet person. I loved the way she started to chuckle mid-dirty-joke. 

She'll never scold us again about throwing away tin foil. The ancient jars of mincemeat in the basement will eventually be thrown out now.


She is survived by 2 children, 5 grandchildren, and 4 great-grandchildren who are going to do amazing things in their lifetimes... and will no doubt share her sense of humor and pass on her passion for the simple beauty in life. What a legacy.

Her ashes will be kept in a green urn with a hummingbird on top. That part makes me smile, because I think it would make her smile.

Rest in peace, grandma.

30 July 2017

clearing out brain space

In the midst of traveling coast to coast and neglecting to record my thoughts (except for on instagram and snapchat), I thought about how counterproductive it is. I mean, this is my outlet. It makes no sense to neglect it. I have often wanted to post while traveling, but I don't feel comfortable logging in on my work laptop. Big brother and all that.

So, a little bit of psychological self care and a big old dump of brain thoughts. Ready set go.

-Adjusting to the lack of a housemate. The hardest part is when I'm going to sleep. I might be a strong, independent woman in the daylight hours, but an incredibly competent gun-wielding man is very reassuring against all of the things that go bump in the night. Plus things like snuggles and general affection are missed. Actively trying NOT to revert to cat lady status. I try to speak to actual people more than the cat, on a daily basis. Meanwhile kitty is enjoying extra pets and attention.

-Work stuff is slowly, glacially, starting to evolve. I have plans to move things along so I can start to be a productive member of the damn team.

-Skin. Yowza. My skin has revolted. The apex of summer has arrived with a full onslaught of pimples. Even though I've managed to avoid a lot of Houston's sweltering summer while traveling... or maybe that's the cause of it? Either way, the dermatologist gave me retinol which seems to make them angrier. Adult acne, yay. The super fun part? It's not just on my face, but on my scalp, back, and booty. Sexy. Also. Did you know they make shampoo with salicylic acid in it? It's an actual thing. That, combined with good old fashioned Head and Shoulders, is working. At least on my scalp.

-Speaking of hormones and how fun they are, my period is over a week late. I'm trying not to freak out because, you know, lack of fallopian tubes... and sperm, for that matter. Still, the paranoia abounds. I gave away all my pregnancy tests in a moment of confidence, and now I wish I had one. But I'm not going to go buy one because of the aforementioned lack of required circumstances, and it's always the case that I get my period literally 5 minutes after I break down and take a pregnancy test that reads "negative." This particular madness is no doubt related to the aforementioned pimple factory. In the meantime I'm wearing all my black underwear and wasting pantyliners. My boobs are extra large though and I'm okay with that. Hormones, yay.

-Got a few projects in the works. Mostly necessary home maintenance... which are mostly backyard upgrades but it's just too horribly hot to work out in the yard. So instead it's mostly couch time (Netflix-- Hart of Dixie and The Ranch), and going out for drinks with friends and family. Not the healthiest habits, BUT I've got a pushup challenge to start in August. I've found myself far too embarrassed at how difficult it is to hoist my (relatively small) suitcase into the overhead bin. Wimpy arms are also not sexy.

-Dentist. Do I EVER need to see one. A filling fell out in April and the tooth is so jagged that I compulsively tongue it and I should really, really see a dentist sooner than later. Also I think that the last dentist I saw filled a lot of "cavities" that didn't really need to be filled. Ugh. I would call her a bitch but she DID prescribe me valium and xanax without a second's hesitation. Not that I liked the valium, and I actually haven't tried the xanax. Speaking of, is it healthier to have a few drinks at the airport bar before a flight, or to take anxiety meds? I haven't decided. A colleague who is uncomfortable flying prefers the meds but the drinks are working for me so far.

-I swear I'm not a drunk, cranky, sweaty, hormonal, pimply mess with great boobs and funky teeth and wimpy arms though. In general my disposition is pretty good and I've got my mental shit together. Getting a bit travel weary, but for the immediate future I should be able to stay in town. Even though next week starts with a trek straight into the medical center first thing in the morning. I do NOT miss that mess. At least now I get paid for the commute.

-Again, it's too unbearably hot to work out the way I usually do- with a walk/run around the block, BUT I've made a point to exercise 30 minutes every day that I travel. Yes, I pack my tennis shoes and workout gear even though it takes up precious luggage space. Since the places I've traveled to have much more moderate climates, I've logged quite a bit of exercise in the last few months. Go, me!

-After trying that Whole 30 diet, I've actually preferred to eat a breakfast that consists of fruit, eggs, and greens. I don't miss waffles or cereal at all. I also find myself choosing to eat lower carb, probably because it's easier to find celiac-friendly travel meals in the form of salads and such and they're naturally lower carb.

-Okay.
Mental health/anxieties/paranoias, check.
Physical health and eating/drinking/exercise habits, check.

I think we're good here.

09 July 2017

got me feeling some kinda way

Trying to be productive over here amongst major adjustments that I never feel ready for.

The world gets tilted when it's travel, travel, travel and I come home, open the door, and things are different. I'm not sure if it made it easier or harder that he packed all his things when I was away.

Admittedly, I expected this to happen under a completely different context. Several scenarios were discussed and before I could come to terms with any of them, my husband is living 8 hours away.
How can four years of military-related absence leave me unprepared for a mere two years of grad school? There was a point where I never thought I'd have to experience that complex set of emotions again, yet here they are.

I'm surprised to find that, even in a wildly different scenario, the same underlying sentiments still swirl under the surface. It's like dejavu. On a basic level, I know how to do this all too well. Suck it up, gather some strength, look on the bright side and embrace the independence. On a complex level, there's still so much tumult and a feeling of loss.

It's this fresh adjustment period that's the worst. I keep noticing empty spaces where objects should be. A few years ago I got deep satisfaction from his shampoo bottles in the shower, and now they're gone again. His side of the closet is now starkly empty. I'm used to sharing my life and my space with him and it's a bit of a shock to find it abruptly gone.

The universe likes to make things happen whether you're ready or not-- but I take comfort in the fact that somehow, things always fall as they should.