31 January 2009

BOOM baby.

I don't feel good. I woke up feeling crappy and just haven't gotten out of it. Fighting a headache and um, gastrointestinal issues. I don't think I ate gluten because I was really good yesterday. I don't want to lay down and screw with my sleep schedule, but I think a nap might help.

I managed to get out for a couple hours and run a few errands. It is a BEAUTIFUL day. I sat in my doorway this morning for about 20 minutes just soaking up the sunshine and making Vitamin D.

my mom's "trees" and a random buddha statue

I went to Best Buy and got an mp3 player. I don't want an Ipod because I don't want to have to deal with itunes.

I got a cheap ($40) HOT PINK Sansa Clip. It's tiny, easily navigatable, and it was really easy to put music on it. I plan to use it when working out, and I think I'll like it. In the reviews I've read, people complained about it freezing and the battery dying, so I hope I don't have that problem. The vast majority were very happy with it, though.

All right, time to go see if a nap will make me feel better.

~ January is over?! It sure flew by...

30 January 2009

school is taking over my life once again

I am so far from giving a shit about so many things, it's not even funny.

Tony, you'll be happy to know I worked out today. Then I did some research about what you're supposed to eat after you work out, and made some really freaking good protein/ carb bars.

I've also been on an orange juice kick. I rarely drink or crave it, but I've finished a carton all by myself over this week. My body must be craving Vitamin C.

It has been exhausting trying to adjust to my new schedule.

At least the material in Biodiversity and Evolutionary Biology overlap a lot. Makes things easier.

In Physiological Psych, it's really annoying to sit through that lecture sometimes, because of the students- Some are really unnecessarily enthusiastic, loudly answering rhetorical questions and interrupting to put their two cents in- it gets to be rude.
And I don't want to be mean, but I swear some of my classmates are so DUMB. For instance, the prof used the word corrigible to describe something. I wasn't even sure what that word meant, but he went on to describe it and provided context clues and restated it in such a way that made the meaning of the word very clear. Then some guy in the back raised his hand and asked what it meant. Little things like that, but several of them over the course of an hour and a half, interrupting the lecture. Frustrating.

Calculus is a nightly thing, which does not bode well when my other classes start to demand more of my time. There are so many tiny rules you have to remember and know when to put what where.

I was pretty pissed about these quizzes we have to take. They're a small part of the grade and are really for practice, which is good, but they are a huge pain in the ass.

They're online, and we get a new one every week- we have a week to take it; it closes on Friday at Midnight. You can re-take it up to 20 times, you have 2 hours to do it, and each time the 20 questions change. It adds up to a lot of work.

So, it looks like this is not the only Friday night I'll be spending taking online quizzes...

28 January 2009

karma, dreams, tough.

I get a wicked satisfaction whenever I see that an ex-friend of mine has gotten fat. Doesn't happen too often, as I don't have many ex-friends. It's like, "HA! I knew you were a jerk and now you got fat!" Karmic retribution.

I had a strange dream last night. I dreamed that Akhtar was working at Starbucks and they started to serve food. I asked him to make me some gluten free food, and he made me a "stir fry" that consisted of brown rice, that spicy cock sauce, and a few pieces of broccoli. He said he made it special for me and if anyone asked, that wasn't brown rice because then he'd have to give it to everyone. Oddly enough, it was delicious. Haha. So thanks, dream Akhtar.

I am still struggling to figure out this strange sensation that has come over my life. The more I think about it, the more I am able to zero in on a problem. It's nothing new or unexpected, but rather something that has been brewing for a while. There is a solution that is simple on paper, but is much more complicated in real life. I'm just not ready yet. So, I'm sitting on it and hoping that as I think about it more, a novel solution will present itself.

26 January 2009

it hit me

I am so tired of feeling like I'm trekking through my day-to-day life alone. No one by my side, no one to count on.

There's that little bit of loneliness, heavy in the pit of my core. Small, but noticeable.

The thing is, I know there are people I can count on. Friends, family, they're there for me. If I choose to let them.

Unable to let to and be vulnerable.

No, not unable. Unable to trust enough to let go. I feel like I can't count on anyone for they might not prove themselves true. Screw me over when I least expect it. The only one I can count on is myself. I've seen this lesson firsthand, and all around me in the lives of people I know.

I trust people physically, but I have a hard time trusting people emotionally and opening up. Just the phrase "talk about your feelings" makes me cringe a little inside. It's not my thing.

Looking back, there's always been hesitation.
I've always paused when reaching that point of bonding with someone. When you cross the line from casual into personal. Thought about whether or not I wanted to go there.
I try to skim the surface and not get myself in too deep.
I've always been that way.

I've also always been the happy one. The slide-off-my-back, no worries, look on the bright side kind of attitude. The "love will conquer all" person. I believed in happy endings. I saw the good in everyone, and gave the benefit of the doubt. I forgave without reservations.

What happened?

I have to face reality because at the end of the day that's all that there is. It makes for less of a disappointment when the fantasies come crashing down.
Don't build them up: don't have to watch them fall.

It's a hard lesson to learn. It changes you. Makes you think differently about the world and your place in it. You're more careful with who you trust and open up to. You're more realistic about your expectations.

It just seems like such a waste to live life, though. Never hoping for those fantastic moments. Never truly connecting with someone and giving them your all.

I see other people happy in their dreams come true. Sometimes I feel like the grass might be greener on the other side. Sometimes I feel like maybe I could have that too, in time.

24 January 2009

saturday errands and no more excuses!

OH my goshhh I'm such a lazy-ass.

I should be doing my calculus quiz...

No working out, no eating healthy like I'd promised.
But. Next week. There is a yoga class on campus at 530 that I'm not going to make excuses to miss.

Today I did get up at 8ish when Chris left for work, and I didn't go back to sleep. I did the dishes that have been sitting in the sink, and went to the mall with mom. At Victoria's Secret they gave me this little stuffed dog for free because I bought PINK panties. What the heck am I going to do with a tiny stuffed dog?? It's cute but I don't get it.

Anyway, I finally had some luck with Craigslist. Some guy bought this keyboard that Robert gave me for Christmas years ago and I never even opened it. Sweeet, more room under my bed and cash in my hand. I'm glad someone will get some use out of it.

I went grocery shopping at Walmart with my money, and even got some new school supplies.

I still have lots of cleaning to do...

23 January 2009

<3 friday

I am watching myself type this through buzzed eyes. I love the taste of this wine so much, I wish there was less alcohol in it so I could drink it faster. But, alas, my tolerance is still very low, and I have to sip or risk getting trashed at such an early hour.

This week was LONG. and TIRING.

Currently I'm looking for a used "Calculus for Dummies" book online for a cheap price and reasonable shipping cost/ time. All of my other textbooks need to be bought, as well.

I am going to fully laze around and enjoy my weekend. I need to clean this dump, but we'll see how that goes...

*oh, I'm researching mp3 players under $50 and am not interested in an ipod. Does anyone have suggestions?

21 January 2009

school crap, puffyness.

Well, it looks like this semester will be interesting. No major complaints, no major joys. Although I have some good professors again. I think once you get out of the general classes and into the more specific subjects, the professors get more into it because it's what they do and what they have a passion for. Which makes it easier to stay awake during lectures.

I'm really leaning towards double-majoring in bio, because I'm so close anyway. May as well get the most out of all my hard work.

I'm excited and upbeat lately, I think because there's a huge weight lifted, and because the weather has been gorgeous lately. I suck in good chilly weather like a sponge, because we get so little of it. In fact, I think I only turned on my heater once this winter, briefly.

Last night Chris and I had mexican food and tonight we went to Dairy Queen for dinner. And I cleaned my plate both times. Usually I eat a bit and then I get full, but now I'm puffy and I feel like a big FAT. Time to start eating right and exercising... for realreal not for playplay.

19 January 2009

quick and dirrrty

-I got accepted into Hospital A's Clinical Laboratory Science program.
Can I get a hell yeah?? I'm going to med tech school, babayy!

-School starts tomorrow. I'm scared of Calculus 2. Hold me.

-I might decide to double major in Biology since I'm so close anyway. We'll see how ambitious I get. Genetics lab is a huge deterrent.

-Still broke as a joke. I haven't spent money, though.

-I need to get groceries and snacky things to eat during class. Time to perfect a granola bar recipe, already! If ya'll have any suggestions, I'm looking for a crunchy one with little to no honey or peanut butter. I'd prefer to stay away from the ones with corn syrup, also, and I'm having a hard time coming up with a recipe that holds together. Help!

-I hope to fit yoga into my schedule.

-Also, time to see the nutritionist on campus. I'm excited about that one.

It seems like my plans are getting jump-started now that school will be back in session. Boo-yah.

15 January 2009


I have that horrible "need to sneeze" feeling. I just sneezed three times, and I know there's another one in there but it's not coming out.

My boss has been sick so I haven't worked all week, and I've been kinda bored. Everyone works or is in school during the day. I'm actually looking forward to school starting so I have something to do.

There's this game on Facebook that's just like Scrabble, and I think I love it.

I haven't seen Chris in over a week. For some reason it's not bothering me as much as it usually does.

I got a good piece of financial advice. When I cut back on spending, I usually let myself spend if it's under 5 bucks, or if it's on the dollar menu, or if it's just a drink or something. But, those small purchases really add up. Sometimes it'd be 20 bucks in one day, all in purchases of only a few dollars. So, this time around, no small spending either. I'm really cracking down. If I do this for a while, it might break a habit.

Anyway. I guess I'll see what's on tv. I never watch it during the semester, and I've found myself watching mindless tv shows a lot this break.

13 January 2009


I had a busy morning.

My alarm went off at 715. I pushed the snooze button, clicked on the lamp and opened the drapes a bit. I heard natural light helps you wake up. Fifteen minutes later I dragged myself out of bed, found my pj pants, and put on some socks and a jacket. It sucks getting up when it's cold in the room and your bed is all toasty.

After sitting in traffic for an hour, I finally made it to school and headed for my advisor's office. I was able to get one of the last appointments. Ten minutes later they were all full. Sweeet.

My advisor basically confirmed what I had figured out, except I missed that I need to take one more elective. After some struggles with the stupid online enrollment system that kept giving me error messages, I snagged the last seat in the class. Biodiversity, here I come. I also finally made it over to the psych office to declare my minor, something that's been on the list for a couple years now.

On my way home, I decided to check out that bra specialist shop, even though I have no money for it. The bra shop was a trip. The lady whisked me back into a dressing room and told me to take off my shirt. She measured me and proceeded to give me bra after bra to try on, tugging, readjusting and observing. It was a strange situation, because there was a curtain at the door and I was scared I'd be without a bra on when she would pop in and ask how they fit and give me more.

All in all, it was a good experience, because I thought I had measured myself correctly. I was on the right track but I was still way off in size. I got 2 bras, totalling $150. Ouch. But, when I went to put back on the bra I came in with, I noticed a huge difference in support and coverage from what I'd been trying on. I say it's a good investment. Hopefully this will be the last mention of the "finding the right bra" saga.

Now I'm broke. My boss has been sick and my financial aid doesn't come through for another couple weeks. I've officially banned my credit card from my wallet. It's safely in my desk drawer until it gets paid down a bit. Hel-lo piggy bank.

12 January 2009


I am very frustrated.

This morning I went up to school to talk to my advisor about a biology degree. They were all booked up for the rest of the day, so I grabbed a paper and tried to figure out what I need to take this semester. If I've figured right, I need 13 hours to graduate. Genetics lab, Evolutionary bio, some new Integration course, and Calculus 2 and 3. Since the new course is not available this semester, I decided to take Cal 2 and Evolutionary.

It's frustrating because if I do get accepted, I'll be taking these hard classes that I don't NEED to take. But if I don't take them and don't get accepted, I've just wasted a lot of time. Hope for the best but prepare for the worst, I guess.

I won't hear back from Hospital A until mid-February. The other hospital said they'd mail out their acceptance letters last week, and I haven't received one so I'm assuming it's a no go.

I'm totally bummed. I have always managed to work hard enough to get the job, make the grade, be picked for the team, etc. This is the one biggest goal in my life so far, and it seems like it's slipping through my fingers.

I'm so tired of worrying and losing sleep over this. I just want to know already and move on with my life.

I might be prematurely freaking out. (What, Me?? Noooo)
I talked to my friend who is also applying and he said that he thinks the other hospital isn't sending the letters till this week or next week. I'm also assuming they send rejection letters instead of leaving you hanging. So, no admitting defeat just yet.

10 January 2009

white board cleaner, revision

I tried what IndigoDaisy suggested and sprayed some hairspray on some stuck-on marker. It worked about 5 Billion times better than toothpaste. One spray, one wipe, and it's gone.

It figures the only thing I didn't try was hairspray!

So. Use hairspray instead of toothpaste.

I am sick, going to take some meds and laze around till they kick in.

09 January 2009


Oyyy, I thought I was going to be able to keep the germs away this time. Chris was sick earlier this week and, although I felt kinda run down all week, I really thought I'd dodged them.

Woke up this morning to the familiar pain in my sinuses. I know what will happen next: the pain will migrate down to my throat today, then comes the full-on congestion and crapola tomorrow. Grrr.

Laughing at my mom's description of the Social Security Office. She said it was just like in Beetlejuice.

08 January 2009


A while back I mentioned that I needed a change. Someone suggested re-arranging furniture. Well, months later, I finally re-arranged. It just hit me one night and I've been on a roll pretty much all week.

It took me so long because I have a very unique space to work with. Think of it as a two-car-garage-sized loft. Complete with a kitchen and bathroom. There are two problems with this: Serious lack of storage and limited furniture arrangement options.

I went to IKEA looking for solutions, but didn't really find much inspiration. It's hard to not find inspiration at IKEA, but somehow I managed. I always feel so lame after walking through that huge store and leaving empty handed.

In the meantime I've gotten rid of a lot of things: some in a pile to be donated, some craigslisted, some replaced, and some removed altogether. There was way too much furniture in this tiny space.

The major changes I made were to get rid of that huge futon, which gave me way more space. I replaced it with a foldout bed loveseat that Chris had crowding his apartment. I'm thinking of getting rid of that old-man chair, just because it also takes up a lot of space. But I'm hesitant because it's comfy. We'll see.

I moved my bed from against the wall to just placing the head against the wall. It sticks out more into the room that way, but with less furniture it kinda works. I thought I'd fall off without the wall there, but it turns out I just stay right in the middle. I'm not a wall-hugger type of sleeper anyway.

Next is storage. It seems like when I move one thing, it requires movement of another thing, which requires more storage for another thing, and so on and so forth. It's as if cleaning one mess creates two more messes. But it will all work out in the end. I hope. The clutter drives me nuts.

I'm bugging my dad to build me some shelves up above my closet. I moved my mini-fridge to the laundry room, and my mom is using it as a table until someone needs it.

I bought this cheap storage-thing that's like a bookcase with doors to use as extra cabinet space. I built it all by myself, with only a few curses and un-screwing of screws. The thing is, it's too low. So now I need something else to boost it up. See? Never-ending.

It's totally fun though.

05 January 2009

how to remove dry erase marker

Dry erase marker and I have had our battles.

A few summers ago everyone took dry erase markers and wrote all over my white refrigerator. Great idea, right?

Except not. When it came time to wipe it off, it... didn't. I blamed it on cheap-ass dry erase markers.

Did I learn my lesson then? Of course not. I wrote on another white board that I have that is also magnetic and very nifty. With the same markers. I don't know what made me think that it would come off. "Insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results." -Einstein

The good that came from this? Through trial and error, I have found a way to remove even the most stubborn dry erase marker. I've tried vodka, windex, rubbing alcohol, bleach, Goo Gone, WD-40, oven cleaner (I thought for SURE that would do it), clorox, baking soda, vinegar, etc.

It was like the time that I burned isopentyl acetate in a round-bottom flask in organic lab. It cost too much money to replace it, so I had to clean it. I tried at least 20 different solvents, including gasoline and spark plug cleaner. Oven cleaner finally worked.

Anyway. Back to the dry erase marker. What works?

I swear.

All you do is take a paper towel and stick a dab of toothpaste on it. I used Colgate Total. Rub it into the mark. After it dries for a minute, rub it some more. It might take elbow grease to get it all off, but it will come off. Wipe the residual toothpaste off, and repeat if it's really stubborn.

I promise this works.

04 January 2009

tiny world

When I said I never wanted to hear the word Dictyostelium again, I mostly meant it. I mean, I figured I'd hear it again, but not for a while.

I was getting a dork fix this morning, looking through microscopic pictures taken for a contest, when 4th place caught my eye. Damn Dictyostelium.

Anyway, the pictures are really cool. Take a look. The picture above links to the gallery.

03 January 2009

spicy ass

I can't remember the last time I ate something spicy and when I crapped it made my ass burn.

Oscar's mom made tamales and he brought some over last night. Those things were mouth-singing, eyes-watering, nothing-will-soothe-it-so-keep-eating SPICY. And they have stayed spicy. Ouch. Makes me wish I had some of those baby whipes that a friend of mine kept in the bathroom and I made fun of him.

In other news, I'm proud that I woke up before noon today.

02 January 2009


Today was my last session with my trainer. For some reason I was majorly lacking energy. That, combined with the upper body exercises, left me drained. My skinny arms can't lift much.

It would be awesome to continue, because I actually see some results- I feel like my core is tighter and I'm stronger. But, that costs money I don't have. Oh well, if I keep it up any exercise is better than none.

Even though it's only been a short amount of time since I last pondered this, I feel like my life is drifting in an upward direction. Nothing important has changed, really. Still waiting to see what my future will be like. I even have to wait for the decisions for med tech school before I decide what classes to take next semester. I know I sound like a broken record but so much depends on the outcome- either way it goes.

I don't know. I'm tired of waiting but tired of pondering. In the midst of all the tiredness, though, there's an inexplicable ray of general upbeat-ness.

"Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don't shoot their husbands. They just don't."

One of my favorite movies... of course.

01 January 2009

i resolve

It's that time of year again. Time to make resolutions.

First, the usual:

1. Exercise regularly. I get really good at this during school breaks, but when the semester starts it goes down the drain. There is no excuse not to utilize the awesome gym membership that comes with my tuition and fees. I'm thinking twice a week, minimum.

2. My diet. I eat a lot of junk food. A lot of sugar. Now that I have this gluten free diet down, I need to focus on nutrition. I want to cook more and bake less. Thinking about consulting a nutritionist as well.
I'm also going to be more diligent about keeping my diet gluten free. If my salad comes with croutons after I specifically ask for none, I am going to say something instead of picking them off and hoping for the best. Instead of assuming that the small things are okay, I'm going to ask.

3. Manage my money better and use my credit card less. This past year I've kept a spreadsheet of all my spending and I can easily categorize it and see where I'm overspending.

Now, anything more than that requires a retrospective look into where my life has gone this past year. I feel like I have my priorities in order and there aren't many things I want to change. There aren't many things I -can- change right now, because the big things are not really in my control. I'm just kind of floating on the river of the plans that I've made. I don't want to change the path, I'm just impatient.

With that, I hope this year will be a good one.