28 December 2018

Friday night at home

Sitting on my couch.
I can't remember the last time I did this. It's glorious.
Pumpkin is pretty pleased to have my lap in a non-moving state.

I had to convince FG that I needed some "me time." Yeah, we've been having a lot of fun and I do enjoy hanging out with him, but he's been taking up ALL my free time lately, and vice versa. Our individual lives have been neglected and honestly I'm exhausted with an empty fridge and a dirty house and no clean bras.
Enough is enough. Back to the reality which demands that you clean your toilets and sleep in your own bed.

I finally got to the grocery store today. Since I've been traveling so much, I have been keeping the fridge pretty bare. It got to the point where the eggs went bad and all that was left were a few sad limes and some mixers for vodka.
Even frat boys have leftover pizza in their fridge.

After a surprising amount of work, the fridge is full of fresh produce and I cooked a few chicken breasts so I can eat something besides lunchmeat. There is clean laundry in my closet, my travel-sized toiletries are tucked away, a purring kitty is in my lap, and I'm feeling more centered.

Strange how having an empty fridge and no clean laundry makes me feel so out of sorts. I can certainly adapt, but I thrive on the stability of an orderly household.

Contemplating sitting by the pond but it's such a mess that it's not even relaxing anymore. There were a bunch of leaks and I thought they were all fixed ($$$), but now there's another leak somewhere because the water level keeps dropping and there is water getting under the liner so it keeps floating up in the middle of the pond. The pond guy is actually in the hospital right now so who knows when it'll get looked at, and to be honest I'm completely done spending money on it.
I kinda want to fill it in and have a normal backyard and I'd rather spend the money on a hot tub with twinkle lights strung above it. Stay tuned for whatever develops with that.

26 December 2018

whew, christmas.

I'm literally sitting at my kitchen table trying to wrap my head around how fast the last few months have gone by.

[A few minutes ago I was wearing a head lamp because the power was out for a few hours. Creepy. The last house had a flashlight in each drawer and bathroom but I guess Chris took some because I can only find like 2 of them now. While waiting for the power to come back on, I ordered a battery powered lamp and a 4-pack of flashlights off Amazon. Also, in this house NONE of the bathrooms have windows. Strange lack of windows in this house.]

Back on topic.
Christmas was a whirlwind of one event bleeding into another.

With my family, we only have one real obligation: show up at Litmas and you're off the hook for everything else... if you choose.

By contrast, Foxy Grandpa had 4 different events that involved spending time with different sections of the family. Of course I was invited to each of these events and it would have been obvious if I was absent, because I'm "the girlfriend" now, so despite feeling pretty burnt out, especially towards the end, I participated.

I'm glad I went, though, because again, in stark contrast to what I'd gotten used to with Chris's family, Foxy Grandpa's family is happy and fun and they like each other and it's actually a pleasant experience to be around them. I genuinely enjoy their company. I'm sure everyone is on their best behavior now and drama will eventually reveal itself because that's normal, but overall the vibe is very nice.

By Christmas day, I happily sunk into a chair on his daughter's apartment balcony and sipped wine until I got moderately lit. See? I feel comfortable enough with these folks now that I feel like it's ok to get a little drunk without judgement. (Plus, his ex-wife was three sheets at that point so if I got a little tipsy it would not be worth mentioning.)

Did I mention that his ex-wife is frequently around? The first one, not the second one.

Anyway, it makes sense that she's around because they both both have a close relationship with their daughters, and nope, it's not weird at all.

Now I'm sitting on the other side of the holiday, exhausted because I can't remember the last time I had a day to myself, kicking myself for not taking some PTO to just chill, and for a few days amidst the chaos I kept thinking about how FUN it was to skip Thanksgiving and beebop around Arizona and we could totally do that for Christmas, right??

Back to reality. My one personal goal for the day was to clean off my kitchen table. I succeeded, unless you count the fine dusting of glitter from random Christmas accessories.

13 December 2018

catch up

I have about 5 half-written blog posts sitting in my queue. Lots of travel and work and social activities lately. Long drives through East Texas offer plenty of time for reflection, but I've had hardly any time to document my thoughts.

So, rather than go back and try to finish each post, here is a bullet list of all the major points.

The past few months have been expensive. I had a goal to pad my savings account but instead, travel, home repairs and a new phone have me actually feeling broke. Time to reign it in for a little while.

Arizona: Thanksgiving in Sedona was a brilliant idea. I may never go back to regular Thanksgiving. Suzy suggested a few hikes and to my surprise, I really enjoyed them. Could that be a new cold-weather hobby?

Foxy Grandpa* threw me a surprise birthday party! I was very touched. Seeing my friends and family in his house was a huge deal. Those two worlds should be connected and he's happily facilitating that connection. It's such a stark difference from what I had gotten used to. He's a genuinely nice, happy, friendly person and I consider myself lucky.
*Ashley graciously 'helped'... obviously. No party is thrown without Ashley's expert guidance.

Pumpkin got a checkup at the vet and she's got some arthritis in her hips and the early stages of kidney disease. Nothing major; she's a 15-year old cat. At this point she gets as many treats as she wants and still prefers to sit on my lap and get pets while I drink wine and watch tv.

Work is still hella awesome and I'm digging it.

I started practicing juggling again lately and I'm getting pretty decent. I drop the limes WAY less. Fun party trick: accomplished.

06 December 2018

rip

So, I got some parts of my body waxed. Yep, waxed.

Tired of shaving, and the resulting irritation, then being able to see the dark hairs underneath my pale, pale skin even after I shaved, I decided to try it.

I didn't even start small. I went straight for the Brazilian. I read the FAQs on the European Wax Center website, so I stopped shaving for two weeks and Ugh, that was the worst part!

I wasn't sure what to expect, but sure enough, the waxer lady is alllll up close and personal with your nether regions. There's no modesty. You're literally spread out on the table and she gets in and does her job. She even waxed either site of my butt hole, which was weird and maybe unnecessary but the end result was awesome. Literally no hairs remained in the area between my legs. Super smooth. And the best part was, someone else took care of it, and they can see better than I can in those hard-to-reach areas. No shower gymnastics necessary. Plus it stayed that way for a couple of weeks.

Overall, not as painful as I expected. Of course I've done a little at-home waxing before, so I'm not a total stranger to the pain. I flinched a few times. Post-wax, my skin was a little red but not painful.

I really enjoyed not having to shave. No ingrown hairs, no irritation, no accidental cuts. Continued exfoliation and moisturization was key while it slowly grew back out.

Six weeks later, the hair had grown back in all patchy and I went in again. This time, I got my armpits waxed too. Again, growing it out was the worst part. The underarms actually hurt worse than the undercarriage, but the pain is fleeting and it is so, SO worth it. No dark shadow and no irritation from shaving every day. I love my armpits now.

Strange thing to say, but I'll happily give money to a stranger to rip out my body hair, even in very intimate areas.

16 November 2018

cozy and okay

This house is slowly coming along... I haven't really documented it like the last house.

I kinda bought the house, moved my stuff in, unpacked it, and went about my job and my life.

A lot of stuff has sat where I unpacked it, months ago. Some things I have plans for, some I haven't figured out yet. I'm just kinda going with it.

After what seems like a long time, I'm starting to do some of the things I want to do to make this space feel like mine.

I finished painting the formal dining room (aka craft/ game room) and every time I walk by I think, "Oh, it's so pretty!" It was a perfectly fine shade of olive green but it was way too dark for the room. You know I like my rooms to feel light and airy.

The living room looks majorly better after replacing the strange window treatments with pretty (on clearance!) curtains. Still haven't figured out the ideal tv/couch arrangement, but Christmas is coming so I'll figure out a place for the tree and then figure it out next year.


The bedroom really is peaceful. The headboard is exactly what I wanted, and the sun shines through those curtains every morning and it's so dang pretty out there.


...just don't get me started on the pond maintenance that's costing me an arm and a leg.

26 October 2018

coffee break


I finally got to sit on my back porch in the cool weather!

Ever since I moved in, I've been looking forward to the cooler temperatures. Because sitting on the back porch is MUCH more enjoyable in 70-degree weather than it is in 95-degree weather.

The temperature changed while I was traveling, and I watched my friends' instagram stories from out of state and thought of my lonely back porch.

I haven't been home in 3 weeks, so yesterday I wrapped up my testing in San Antonio early and headed back down I-10.

It's weird, after being gone for so long, walking into my house doesn't fully feel like home. I know it's my house with my stuff in it, and my cat is there, but it doesn't 100% feel like home yet. It's still a welcome sight after a series of hotel rooms.

This morning, in this 60-degree paradise, I've got the doors and windows wide open to replace the stale, recirculated air in the house with cool, fresh air. Taking deep, centering breaths and enjoying the calm.

The window situation in his house is interesting. In the last house, every room had a window, on all sides. Here, one whole side of the house has no windows. Which is good from a home security perspective, but odd from an airflow and light perspective.

The headboard arrived several weeks early, but has been sitting in the box in my living room for those several weeks. Maybe today I'll have a minute to bust it open...

13 October 2018

how lucky am i

Sigh. I'm homesick.

6 days of being away and I'm missing my cat, my family, and my man.

The weekdays aren't so hard. I think it's the free time and loneliness of the weekend that is hard. Plus I feel guilty that Pumpkin has been left alone for so long. My neighbor has fed her a few times and says that she cries the whole time she's there. SO MUCH GUILT.

I went to a wine festival in Raleigh today. It was super crowded so it was mostly standing in long lines with a wine glass. The weather was nice, though, so I people-watched until I got tired of it.

Jammed some gangster rap on the satellite radio while cruising down the freeway with the sunroof open. 

Yeah, I know I'm lucky. 
That I get to travel, that I get to experience new things and meet new people. The people in my class are perfectly nice, but I haven't exactly bonded with any of them.

So damn, all I want right now is a glass of wine on my back porch with my cat.
Maybe with foxy grandpa sitting next to me smoking a cigarette.
With plans to go see my sister & nephews tomorrow.

Ah, but I'll soon find a way to appreciate the lovely 65-degree evening listening to the crickets softly chirp in the woods.

I also found a yoga studio nearby that I think I'll check out tomorrow.

22 September 2018

headboard

Omggg you guys. I just bought a headboard ONLINE. I don't know why that fills me with anxiety!


Maybe because I've been casually searching for headboards literally since I bought this bed in 2010. 
(Shit, 8 years... does that mean it's time to buy another mattress?)

I don't know why it was so hard to commit to buying a headboard. But I finally got one. *excited*

20 September 2018

better now

It was several weeks ago, when I was taking a yoga class, that I happened to notice every woman in the class had a ring on her left hand.

I suddenly became very self-conscious of my ring-less hand, and a wave of some complicated emotion washed over me. I was the only single woman in the class. What a strange, new distinction.

It was a rare moment, feeling sorry for myself. As strong as that feeling was, I forced myself to think positive thoughts, change my perspective. I started to wonder how many of those women were happy, how many were angry, how many different paths their lives had taken.

I started to think about the path my life has taken.

And I felt overwhelmingly grateful.

I'm thankful that I'm not struggling every day to figure someone else out. I only have to figure myself out, and it turns out, it's not hard at all.

I love the freedom I've got, and I love how strong I feel. I love that I'm back to being that happy person I used to be.

As for the perspective change, I know that the future can be just as unpredictable as the past, so it's been that much easier to appreciate the moment I'm in.

06 September 2018

VEGAS

Oh my God. Vegas was incredible. Just... wow.

We flew in on Saturday morning and headed to the rental car lot. Thanks to the helpful Hertz guy, my President's Circle status, and the discounted rate through my job, we got a convertible Camaro for $40 a day.

You just don't turn down the option for a convertible for that price in Vegas.

The trip went by so fast and was SO MUCH FUN. (Even with disappointing hotel service)

At the end of the trip, Foxy Grandpa and I were talking about our favorite parts, and it was so hard to decide on the highlights because it was ALL so good.

We started with a private limo tour of the city, including stops at the historic 'Welcome to Las Vegas' sign, the Mirage, the Bellagio, and Freemont Street.
WOW, Freemont Street. I could go there every day. It was spectacular. The limo was pretty awesome, too. I'd never been in a limo before.

Then we woke up Saturday and got to see Luke. He gave us a tour of his job, which involves creating concentrates from marijuana (all completely legal). The tour was fascinating and scientific and I'm incredibly impressed at the mad scientist antics that my brother is involved in. That industry is about to explode and he's one of the few skilled scientists in the country. I'm so unbelievably proud of him.

Then we crammed into the camaro and visited the Hoover Dam, which was cool but freaking HOT. I'd like to go back when it's cooler to see all the different things.

That evening we dressed up and caught Absinthe at Caesar's Palace, which was a fantastic show. I loved every minute. We had great seats and the show was hilarious.

A little gambling ended the night, err... morning. It was 3am or so when we finally got back to the hotel room... which wound up being a trend. Everything in Vegas is so spectacular that time goes by so fast and the next thing you know you're falling asleep in a casino at 4am. I loved it.

Sunday involved a little sleeping in, then meeting Luke and Natalie at the Stratosphere, which is really close to where they live. The view was incredible. We had a drink and watched the city light up. Planes flew in, helicopters zoomed by, and a dust storm rolled in. I got to visit with Luke a bit and hear some stories from his adventures over the past couple years. Foxy Grandpa and Natalie enjoyed a few rides at the top of the building while Luke and I cheered them on because rides don't exactly thrill us haha.

Then we visited a nearby dispensary so that Foxy Grandpa could sample the concentrates that Luke had made and we could visit for a bit. I loved visiting Luke. I haven't seen him since Frank got married, and I've never seen him in his element. I'm so impressed with everything and so proud of him.

Foxy grandpa got a pretty good high, so I drove us back to the hotel with the top down, cruising down the strip amidst the lights and glitter. It was gorgeous. We stopped at the hotel convenience store and spent 30 bucks on snacks, then we gambled at the casino until I started to fall asleep. We didn't win anything but had so much fun.

Then it was time to go back home. The days were jam-packed and fun and we're already planning another trip early next year, probably with Ash and Collin.
I really want to try that big ferris wheel thing and the eiffel tower and will definitely go back to freemont street. And walk around some of the casinos and drive into the mountains to see some snow.

Overall, it was an absolute blast and I'm so happy we had such a good visit. I know Foxy Grandpa loves Vegas and would go back just for the city, but he keeps focusing on the fact that we'll go back to see Luke and it's such an important distinction.

28 August 2018

chasing tranquility

Now that it's not so deathly hot in the evenings, I have started to sit outside for a while every day, purposely leaving my phone in the house. Which is why I have no photographic evidence of the two ridiculously adorable hummingbirds that have been flitting around the back yard the past few days.

Foxy grandpa and I were hanging out on the porch Sunday morning when they flew down right in front of our faces to say hi, then zipped over to feast on the bottle brush trees in the back corner of the yard. I immediately jumped up and made some sugar water for the feeder. I don't know how long they've been around, but I'm so glad I didn't miss hummingbird season this year.

I haven't been to yoga because my membership expired and I don't want to renew it until I'm done traveling so much.
In the meantime, I've found it's kind of meditative to sit in nature- even if it's not a porch in the Sierra Nevada mountains or the wooded path behind the hotel in North Carolina.

After traveling for 2 weeks, it feels SO GOOD to be back home. Even though coming home still doesn't feel like "coming home" because I'm not completely used to this house yet.

Still, I'm happy with my small patch of humid back yard paradise. Sometimes I sit there and zone out because I'm tired, but eventually my eyes will catch a spider building a web, or a flower petal floating down the stream, or a fish swimming, or the clouds moving in the sky. Or Pumpkin jumping the fence.

Poor Pumpkin was attention-deprived to the max when I was traveling, and hasn't left my side. Fortunately for both of us, I don't have a lot of customer visits scheduled this week and have been using the last couple of days to catch up in the office. She sat in my lap as I sat in there all day Monday and still didn't complete everything on my list. I'm hoping to wrap things up tomorrow so I'm free to go visit some customers Thursday or Friday.

P.S. Foxy grandpa has caught on very quickly that flowers make my heart sing and rarely comes over empty-handed. Damn, that man is good.

We are taking advantage of the long weekend to go see Luke in Vegas. I'm SO EXCITED ABOUT THAT! (Sorry Pumpkin)

22 August 2018

Lake Tahoe

Hey, so I took a week's vacation to Lake Tahoe.


Foxy Grandpa had the trip planned because his parents couldn't use their time share, and it was super easy to add me onto his Southwest companion pass. When he invited me, I was alllll too happy to accept.

Vacation with a handsome man? Yes please.


I got a super sweet deal on rental cars thanks to my job's discount, so it benefited everyone and I felt like I contributed to the trip.

A bunch of folks went (his friends), and they were all super nice. They liked to DO things,  which immediately induced skepticism about the trip's relaxfulness, but it turns out they also liked to chill* so it was a really good balance of doing things and relaxing.

Thanks to the people who liked to do things, it was my first time parasailing, (A+, would do again), the gondola ride to the top of the mountain was initially terrifying (but after some wine was awesome), and the boat ride was great until it got too rocky for me to handle.





Beautiful sunsets, gorgeous beaches, peaceful mornings drinking coffee on a balcony watching blue jays and chipmunks, nights spent enjoying camaraderie in 50 degree weather and yoga pants... it was fantastic.


The pine cones were gigantic! (banana for scale... it was a big banana too.)


And, to be honest, the most important part is... A week straight of foxy grandpa and I still want to hang out with him. 

It should be noted that he surprised me with tickets to the Legally Blonde musical in Reno after I saw a billboard driving around and expressed interest in it.

A man. willingly bought tickets. To.
the Legally. Blonde. MUSICAL.

MUSICAL.
Legally Blonde.
Musical.
LEGALLY BLONDE. MUSICAL.

As a complete surprise, just because I mentioned offhand that I'd like to see it.

The LEGALLY BLONDE freaking MUSICAL!!

~insert swoon here~

It was amazing! It was at an adorable outdoor amphitheater with the best cast. I laughed out loud several times and clapped with glee throughout like a giddy child. 10/10 would see again.

Solid move on foxy grandpa's part.



*smoke legal weed

09 August 2018

all good things yo

Mom and I have been on this big, "go with the universe" kick lately. Just rolling with whatever happens and trusting our guts. It's working out well, actually.

I've never been more content because I know nothing is in my control and I know everything happens the way it's supposed to. I've been appreciating things in the moment more, because I know things can change in an instant.

I've been doing a WHOLE LOT of reflection lately. Naturally, a lot of it has happened during long drives around East Texas. Oh, there have been some beautiful drives, and since the radio stations in-between towns are usually gospel or classic country, I have had lots of time to think.
(Not that I don't love me some Wynonna Judd.)

Mostly thinking about how my mindset has changed so much in the last few months. (not to mention my marital status, address, immediate surroundings, and focus.)

I feel so blessed in so many ways. I feel like after so much turmoil, a lot of things are settling in the way they're supposed to.

Work has been crazy busy this summer and it was such a good thing. My utilization numbers are great and performance reviews are just around the corner. I feel like I'm getting comfortable with this role.

Slowly feeling at home in this new house. Some mornings I wake up and smile because of the way the sun shines into my bedroom through the french doors and I can hear the pond bubbling.
I've spent a bunch of money on the roof and the security system (with cameras soon) and there's a few other expensive items still on the list, but I see it as a worthy investment. I feel good in this house, like I'll be happy here for a while.

I had some gals over for a game night last weekend even though there's crap everywhere. I figured I love hosting parties and if I wait until things are perfect, it could take years! Plus anyone I know well enough to invite into my home won't judge me based on the piles of un-organized stuff. I'm glad I decided to have people over. It was a lot of fun.

Pumpkin can apparently still climb fences. I thought she was too old but I watched her do it the other night so now I'm slightly worried that she will hop the fence and get run over on the busy street. But I guess I can't worry about that. Hopefully she's smart enough to avoid the street full of cars. I think the giant frog living in the corner behind the pond is enough to keep her focused inside the fence for now.

Foxy grandpa has continued to be a hugely positive thing for me.
Overall I am finding that he is a very genuine, kind person. Kinda restores my faith in a lot of areas where I've become massively jaded.

I like that he's super handy and has helped me with a few projects around the house.

Recently he facilitated an outing with Frank, Chelsea, Ash, and Collin and we all had an absolute blast. It's so important to me that any dude I'm with on a more-than-casual level get along with my family.

We're planning to go float the river next month and HE brought up how I should invite Suzy because it's near Austin. And HE suggested that I invite Ashley and Collin. (Not that I wasn't going to anyway, but his enthusiastic suggestions were a refreshingly big deal.)

He also invited me to go on vacation to Lake Tahoe and Vegas and YEAH I'm super down for those things. He added me onto his Southwest companion pass and I get a bunch of hotel and rental car perks through my job so between the two of us, this travel situation works out well. Looking forward to more random trips with a dude that I don't mind sharing a hotel room with.

The best part of the Vegas trip is I know he's excited to go gamble, but he keeps bringing up the fact that I'll get to see Luke because he knows that's important to me. I love that.

I'm choosing to believe that the universe sent him my way at this period in my life for a reason. He's a fun, happy addition to my life.

So all in all, things are good right now and I am definitely okay with that.

17 July 2018

Products I'm loving

Tried my first barre class today. It was intense. I'll stick to yoga for now because flexibility and mindfulness are my focus, but when I want to bump it up a notch, holy crap that does the trick. (My ass would be super perky if I kept it up.)

Anyway, some products I'm loving lately:

-Que Bella Charcoal Mud Mask. I can only find it at Target and I love it. I squeeze it from the packet into a small container. Then I dab it on any problem spots and it dries it right out, seriously halting the progression from pre-breakout to big hurty red spot.

-Bio Oil. I was particularly sold on this product because I tried it out of desperation during the development of another rash-fest this spring. [Horray, unexplained rash of tiny bumps around my noise and eyes, coinciding with allergy season.] The whole month of April was stressful and not a good time for my skin.  I put this on at bedtime. It absorbs nicely and has a pleasant fragrance. I'm convinced it has helped, as the bumps have cleared up and I've noticed an overall improvement in my skin tone and texture. I'm using WAY less concealer nowadays.

-Speaking of concealer, Shape Tape is the BOMB. I dab on a teeny, tiny bit and it covers great and stays put all day. I follow this chick on instagram who sang its praises so I checked it out and it's every bit amazing and worth the $30 price tag.

-Scouring Stick. This product is AWESOME. I tried so many things trying to get rid of the nasty hard water ring in the hall toilet. Nothing worked.
Not an overnight soak with coke, vinegar, bleach, scrubbing, CLR, nothing.
The scouring stick was on the shelf at home depot right next to the CLS. It cost three bucks so I figured why not? And to my amazement, it worked. scrubbed that hard water grossness right off, without scratching the porcelain finish. Nice.

Lastly, in my crusade to find a sulfate-free shampoo that gets a decent lather, I came across this Orchid Oil shampoo. Smells good, cleans good, and sudses up better than any other sulfate-free shampoo I've tried. I also enjoy the (sulfate-free) lavender shampoo.

12 July 2018

risk and feeling centered

I have sat down to blog several times in the past few weeks and have always gotten interrupted.

How on earth has life shifted so much in such a short time?

I know time always helps to clarify perspective, but what a doozie. I guess I kinda went through a big shift and it's still a little crazy to look back on it.

Right now, I feel calm. Happy. Peaceful. I'm setting into this new life well, even though work is crazy busy and I'm still developing my new routine and Pumpkin won't crap outside and my heart is adjusting.

It's all in a positive direction. I went to yoga for the first time in weeks and I felt like a different person. When I set the intent for my practice, my thoughts were completely different than the last time I went. I felt strong. Good. Centered. Happy. Content. Steadfast to myself.

So of course it's time to take a major risk... Obviously I was feeling too centered.

To be honest, the thing I'm struggling with the most at this time is this relationship that's developing with foxy grandpa. He brought up the "we should date each other exclusively" topic of conversation.
Yeah, he didn't waste any time.
It's that frightening combination of "this feels really great" and "this is happening WAY too fast."

Which I communicated to him.

It's completely illogical and out of character for me to give in to any shmoop. But.
I've decided that this time around, I'm going to give myself permission to to go with it.

Why? Because life is short and to be honest, after feeling SO low for SO long, it's sooooooo refreshing to feel smitten. Yeah, it might be ridiculous and I might eventually get hurt, but in the meantime I'm going to allow myself to REVEL in the unique happy feeling that comes with this situation.


Of course I didn't intend to meet someone. I was going to happily be a big fat slut and maybe find a couple of friends with benefits.
But that idea didn't work out the way I planned and the whole time it felt odd.

This... feels right.

I've grown so much, and gotten in touch with how I'm okay by myself... it makes me especially appreciate how this foxy grandpa adds another level of joy to my life... BUT DOESN'T DEFINE IT.

He has his life and I have mine, and they happen to intersect a couple of times a week.

And that is why I feel (cautiously) okay with how everything is developing.
Plus I'm making sure he's completely aware of how I feel. Over-communication is my jam right now.

So even if this does wind up being a horrible idea, at least I spent some time being ridiculously happy without reservation.

At this point in my life, I'll allow that.

07 July 2018

creative pest control

One of the biggest immediate challenges with this new house was back yard pest control. The fish actually take care of the mosquitoes, and there are quite a few spiders that take care of the other miscellaneous annoying bugs.

However, there is the ever-present issue of giant roaches. I have seen a couple, and I'm determined to not let them ruin my enjoyment of the back porch. There is no way to eliminate them, but I'll keep fighting that battle.

I originally insisted that the entire back yard be nuked with poison, but there was a concern that it might hurt the fish. Well, crap.

So I baited as much as I could around the house, and kept pondering solutions for the rest of the yard.

Then last weekend I joined foxy grandpa at his friends' property for some "glamping." They have a pond on their property and at night a ton of frogs emerged. Big bullfrogs.

Frogs! They eat roaches! What a nature-friendly way to solve my problem!
There are plenty of small frogs around the back yard, and I think the big roaches are too much for them, but a larger frog could probably eat a lot of them.

We discussed catching a big frog right then and bringing it home, and I was really excited about my solution, but I wanted to do some research first. Mostly because those bullfrogs made a lot of noise and I could see it getting really annoying right outside my bedroom door.

I'm glad I did some research. Some frogs carry bacteria and parasites that might upset the current ecosystem, and the process would be slightly more complicated than catching a frog, bringing it home, and letting it loose in the backyard.

Then yesterday I happened to peek outside during a rain storm, and noticed this moderately-sized guy:


What do you know! I already have a frog! He was pretty active yesterday, jumping in the water and hopping around.

Hopefully he's got a big appetite.

05 July 2018

unpacking + cabinets

Finally getting to the point in unpacking where most of the things I use on a daily basis are available and out of boxes. Which does major things for calming my life.

I feel like it took forever, because right after I moved, work got super busy and I chose to escape for two weekends in a row in favor of more soul-soothing activities like the beach and fresh air.

Plus before I could unpack, I had to prep a few things.

The kitchen was a priority.

Although the countertops and backsplash in this kitchen are updated, the cabinets themselves are... different. The shelves are not actually wood. They're some sort of composite material that is porous and they have definitely seen some abuse.

I cleaned everything well, but many of the shelves were stained and actually tattered. Not something I want to put my dishes on.

Shelf paper went in the drawers and on the shelves, but the bottoms of the cabinets were too gnarly for that. Plus it's not easy to maneuver shelf paper in large pieces. I opted to try something I'd seen on pinterest. 

I went to home depot and bought a couple boxes of self-stick vinyl tiles. Yes, they're not ideal for actual floors, but it turns out they're really great for lining cabinets. I bought the cheapest ones, 59 cents a tile. About 17 bucks for a box.

These things are great. Literally just peel and stick, and they were easy to cut to fit.

Before: Grungy uck.


After: I would put my dishes on this.


Before: Giant mysterious stain.


After: Clean and nothing questionable.


After that was all finished, unpacking went fairly quickly. I feel happier knowing there is a sturdy barrier between those funky cabinet shelves and my pots & pans.

24 June 2018

smiling

Today I woke up sore and sunburned and happy.

Yesterday Foxy Grandpa invited me to the beach with a couple of his friends, and I had the BEST day. I unpacked zero boxes. I cleaned literally nothing. My laptop stayed closed.

The beach is always a good idea, but I really, really needed a day of relaxation. It was the perfect way to force myself to take a breather. There's nothing to do at the beach but relax and chill.

So that's what I did. With reggae music on the bluetooth speaker, a nice breeze, and a slushy little bottle of rose.


I always take time to appreciate my blessings, but I kinda forgot that life is supposed to be fun. I really forgot that relationships are supposed to be fun. Chris stopped doing social things with me years ago and I forget how nice it is to share those simple recreational moments with someone you dig.

I also forgot how easy it is to make new friends... when you make new friends. Because when you hang out with new people you get to meet THEIR friends, and so on.

The couple I met yesterday were the kind of people that buy some cheap blow up floaties at the gift shop to use in the water, but before we left the beach they gave them to some random kids to enjoy. THOSE ARE MY KIND OF PEOPLE.

Yesterday was so, so good for my soul.

17 June 2018

hello from the other side

I had a quiet moment to myself this afternoon, so of course it's time for a brain dump.

Packing and moving was chaotic and insane and I am becoming pretty adept at rolling with the punches. I called in a LOT of favors. I could not have survived this on my own. I'm so grateful for the good people in my life.

Looking back, it's actually bewildering how much stuff happened in such a short period of time. 

I can't believe somebody actually bought our house. There's another car in the driveway and someone else is walking into that house every night. It's a little weird to wrap my head around.

I can't believe that I made an offer and closed on a house in 10 business days.

I can't believe that a few of my friends and I packed up my house over the course of an evening. 

I can't believe that my movers cancelled the day I closed on my new house, and I can't believe that we rallied and unloaded everything in mere hours. 
(Really, where was that time warp?)

I can't believe my new surroundings. It's unreal how pretty this house is.
I'm typing this in bed with Pumpkin, computer atop a shrink-wrapped nightstand.
The view outside my bedroom is serene.
Last night I soaked in a huge, deep tub full of hot water and epsom salts and felt at peace.
Earlier today I sat on the back porch and listened to the rain while I watched the fish pop out of the water and planned what kinds of flowers would go in the empty spaces in the garden.

There's a lot to adjust to, but the immediate chaos has passed. It's been replaced with lots of little projects and unpacking.

I spent 20 minutes today looking in the garage for the box that contained my undies. Plus I've been living with no fridge and I'm so tired of eating out.
I'm SO HAPPY it is scheduled to be delivered tomorrow, along with the washer and dryer. 

Which is awesome because in addition to the undies situation, I have no clean pants. I'm totally going to be rocking a dress in the lab tomorrow and I don't really have a choice, but it'll be just fine.

07 June 2018

a wonderful shitshow

I can't remember a time when my day wasn't filled with resolving one small crisis after another. Adaptation has played a key role in maintaining my relative sanity.

To be fair, the amount of things that have been accomplished in the last week or so is freaking remarkable. I've got a good team of people on my side, for sure.

To date, after a small amount of drama, there are finally two PODS outside my house. One eventually bound for Lubbock, one headed a few blocks down the road. His and Hers PODS. That makes me chuckle in a macabre way.

The PODS are empty right now, but at least they're there. One small crisis after another. Calling on some reinforcements to fill them both. Thankfully I've helped enough people move in the past that I don't feel guilty about that.

I'm so tired. Work is busy but things are progressing well on this install. I'm so thankful for colleagues who step in to help out. I've done that before, so karma is killing it right now.

My emotionals are a little wonky. Again, I'm exhausted and overwhelmed so I expect that. But overall the wonkiness is working itself out and I kinda feel at peace in the midst of all this tumult... and that makes no sense but I'm getting really good at rolling with things.

Less than a week from now, (I hope) I will have the keys to a different house on my keychain.

Life will have shifted again and dumped me out in a different mindset.

And oh, isn't that a crazy thing?

02 June 2018

on track

In case you were wondering, all of the inspections are done on the new house (not without drama, of course). It was a ridiculously busy week with all kinds of hurriedness, plus a flat tire on Friday that completely screwed up all my plans.

Today Helen and I looked at each other and nodded our heads, agreeing that it was a good idea that I move forward with the purchase. Yes, it is an old house so of course it needs some work, but I knew that. But I'm happy because I know exactly what work needs to happen. So, let's rock and roll!

Focusing on packing. It doesn't seem like a lot but it kind of is. I opted against a packing party this weekend because there are still 11 days until closing and I still need to live here. Perhaps next weekend? I talked to my boss and I can take a couple days off work because now I have some backup.

Trying to get on Chris to get his pod delivered sooner than later so I can get his stuff out of here and only worry about myself.

Because the plan is to wake up in my new house in less than 2 weeks. GAH! So much to do.

P.S. I have a hot date with foxy grandpa tomorrow. We're going to an axe throwing range (different, right?) and then to dinner. He planned it all. He wasn't sure about the restaurant so he called to make sure they could do gluten free food. THEN an hour later he called again to talk to a different person just to make sure their answers matched.

If that's not swoon-worthy, I don't know what is.

31 May 2018

big stuff

It's been a big couple of days.

Yesterday the judge granted our divorce. In the span of less than 5 minutes, I swore to give the whole truth so help me God, my lawyer asked me a few questions, and it was done. I spent a couple hours on the phone with HR and need to change the beneficiaries on a few things, but it's done.
No tears. I spent some time thinking about regrets, but overall I managed to keep it together. Because, honestly, I WAS together. This was something I've feared for a long time but was also a long time coming. I feel like overall it was a good decision, although still an emotional adjustment.

Also my "rich auntie" status is forever solidified because my nephews will get a big chunk of money if I suddenly die.

Today, the house appraised. FINALLY!  The sale is going through and holy crap shit got real. I spent the whole day on my feet, training some new customers, answering phone calls from both title companies and the mortgage company, and trying to figure out how I'm going to make my customers happy, steal a kiss or two from foxy grandpa (who I'm really digging), sell my house, move Chris's stuff out, and move myself into a new house in the span of 13 days.

I needed to call in reinforcements. I have a ton of badasses on my team. So far everyone I've called on has come in clutch.

Mom has been there for the inspection of my new house, Frank found me an HVAC guy, Akhtar and Chris have agreed to a power of attorney for the sale of the old house, Chris will get a pod here ASAP, and I've signed a whole bunch of papers and emailed them back to the title companies and mortgage company who are also hustling to get things done in a ridiculously short time. I have to admit I barely read the paperwork and am relying on my team of badasses. I'm so overwhelmed I'm just trying to check things off my list.

Next up I have to call my mentor and my boss and see if anyone can help with my customers because I have too much on my plate even IF I wasn't dealing with several major life changes. Job security, yo.

I'm a little nervous at the new mortgage payment. The new house is about 40k more than what we paid for this house, and the interest rates are higher, so the mortgage payment is about $500 more than what I've been paying. I can completely afford it, because the payments on this house were really cheap, but I'm nervous about losing that chunk of disposable income. On the flip side, I'm not paying for Chris's health insurance anymore and most of my disposable income went into savings anyway, so maybe it'll even out.

I think it will all be worth it when I'm sipping wine in my beautiful garden in my new backyard, listening to the soothing waterfall and hoping I don't kill the fish.

In the meantime, I'll be secretly treading emotional waters but overall hustling like a badass. Whew.

27 May 2018

silver fox

Another dating update.

That cute older dude from the party a few weeks ago turned out to be... really cool.

We didn't hang out right away because dad was visiting, but we eventually grabbed dinner. We talked for 2 hours before we even ordered food and lingered afterwards. Really good vibes.

Then we had lunch. Again, conversation was flowing.

He seems like an open dude, is still cute upon close inspection, and is actually making an effort to get to know me as a person. Lots of chemistry. His style is really different. Maybe that comes from all the extra life experience?

On our third date, I was extremely pleased with the... extracurricular activities. I definitely benefited from that particular area of life experience.

Speaking of life experience, he's got 3 grown daughters, has been married twice, and after Ashley friended him on facebook we found out last night that he's a grandpa. Funny... he forgot to mention that!

Now everyone is highly amused that I got it on with a grandpa. That sounds so weird.

His nickname went from blonde fox (a play off of silver fox but his hair's not grey) to Foxy Grandpa very quickly. It's kind of hilarious and also very odd.

Oh, he sent me flowers on Friday, which was great, but then I questioned how he got my address. ESPECIALLY after the incident later that night. I was really creeped out by the combination of events and took a step back to re-evaluate.

He got my address in a non-creepy way, so that was okay. But the whole thing just left me unsettled.
Definitely getting a really good security system with cameras put into the new house.

psycho behavior

As if selling and buying a house wasn't enough activity right now, the universe threw in some more.

Let's start with the cute customer incident.

A while ago I decided that cute customer and I want very different things. I tried to naturally let things cool off when I was super busy, but it turns out he was sweet and understanding about me being too busy to hang out.

Hm. Crap. I had planned to have an adult conversation and explain that it just wasn't working for me, but... then he did something that made the conversation very different than I expected.

Friday evening I was pretty pooped. I was hanging out in bed in the early evening and fell asleep. I woke up to my doorbell ringing. Not a single ring. I woke up to someone repeatedly pushing the button at a fast pace. Followed by pounding on the door.

In a half-awake state, that is jarring and scary. I laid in bed for a minute, heard the person try the door handle, then the commotion at the front door stopped. I grabbed my phone and saw that cute customer had called several times and left text messages.

It was him at my door.
...the calls and texts had started an hour and a half earlier.

The next thing I know, he's in my backyard knocking at my bedroom window. I know the gate was locked so he must have had to jump the fence. Terrified, I decided to call the cops. But before I could, Helen called to discuss house stuff. I told her what was going on and she immediately headed over.

While I was still on the phone with her, I opened the door and told him to leave. To my surprise, he was holding a bottle of wine. He looked surprised and hurt when I told him to leave.

He didn't leave. He hung out on the front porch until Helen arrived. Then he got into his car but still didn't leave. So she turned her brights on and moved her car closer to his. Only then did he drive away.

I got into Helen's car and spent the night with her.

I did talk to him, and it turns out, he was trying to be sweet and surprise me with a bottle of wine because he knew I'd been stressed out. He wasn't trying to murder me, I guess.

He apologized but that was an absolute backfire, dude.

First of all, he came over uninvited and violated some big personal boundaries. That's a big NO. If I wanted company, I would have invited him over.

Second of all, once he knocked and I didn't answer, he should have left. In what scenario is it okay to pound on my door for 90 minutes and go into my backyard?? SO CREEPY! I really thought he'd lost his mind and that I was in danger.

The icing on the cake- when I told him to leave, he didn't leave.

I felt disrespected, like my privacy was violated. I felt unsafe in my own home. I was so freaked out that I spent that next night at Ashley's.

This is the exact reason why I decided not to let anyone I date know where I live. But I made an exception because I knew I'd be moving soon.

LESSON LEARNED.

Home on the range

It has been an eventful couple of days. I had planned to do one post outlining some large developments, but now so much has happened that I feel like the topics need to be split.

First up. House:

Appraisal finally got scheduled. Helen seems confident that we're in the clear so I started my house hunt.

We started by looking at a couple smaller houses, but they just weren't right. Then she suggested we look at a house in my neighborhood. I rejected it right away based on the square footage (too big) and the fact that it's on a busy corner. Still, Helen insisted and I trust her so we looked at it.

I didn't like it immediately, but it grew on me as I walked around. It had a really good vibe. It is a lot more square footage, but the way it's laid out, it doesn't seem like it. Overall, it felt right. Plus, the master bath and gorgeous backyard sold me.

Helen basically negotiated on my behalf and the next thing I know I'm signing a contract. We're making the option period short and we're going to try to close on the same day as this house closes so that I'm not homeless. You know, the little things.

Work is busy this week so it's going to be a wonderful shitshow but at this point I'm rolling with everything and nothing's a big deal. Really trying to stay zen, listen to my gut, and let the universe work things out.

We shall see what happens.

14 May 2018

moving along

Buyer is proceeding. Buyer is PROCEEDING.

BUYER IS PROCEEDING.

We have yet to sign the amendment to the contract where the buyer waives the right to terminate, and the appraisal is pending, but we've been told the buyer is proceeding. It would be a real dick move if they backed out now. So hopefully they don't.

Yet, I'm not excited. Yes, I'll be glad if this goes through, but I'm still super cautious with the emotionals. And I'm feeling overwhelmed with the to-do list that involves moving.

13 May 2018

huh?

Saturday was a fun but strange night.

My whole family went to a family friend's birthday party. That part is not so strange.

But BOTH my dads were at this party, plus my mom and all my siblings. (Except Luke...who we miss terribly and talk about all the time. And Chelsea who had other obligations.) That could have been weird but... nope. It strangely wasn't.

Amongst the crowd were the usual folks, except for a few interesting exceptions.

There was a guy there who looked at my house while it was on the market. That was a fun "it's a small world" time discovering that while chatting. We both agreed that the karaoke stage is a serious design challenge.

During the usual party chatter, my dad's other friend tried to convince me to buy a house on his block.
And I'm going to check it out, just as soon as this option period on the current contract is over... tomorrow... IF the potential buyers decide to proceed.

Oh, I don't have my hopes up but cross those fingers because that would be great if this house sold and I could finally move on with my life.

SPEAKING of that, there was this really cute dude at the party and we definitely had chemistry.

If you remember, I deleted all of the dating apps and decided to take a chill pill and see what life throws at me meeting people the old fashioned way.

I'm not disappointed so far. It turns out this guy is 15 years older than me and I was shocked because he doesn't look like it. Which is why I gave him my number when he asked. I definitely want to go out with him.

Yeah okay... he's a friend of my dad's friend and that's a little weird. But I guess that's how my dating life is going so far. Maybe I'll find that older but cute dudes are my jam?

Anyway, this week will definitely be interesting. Mostly because of the house thing. (Because I'm not going on any dates this week. Maybe next week.)

This brings me a lot of peace, in a lot of ways:


08 May 2018

post-gluten and feels

It's been a while since I was glutened. It's always disruptive. After last weekend's glutening, I spent most of the weekend curled up on the couch with a heating pad and making trips to the bathroom. Grated ginger in hot water helped with the upper abdominal symptoms, thank goodness. I'd rather things follow the natural flow than go backwards, you know?

Now I'm feeling mostly functional... although there are a few lasting side effects. Most notably, abdominal pain and bloating on Monday.  Like a visibly distended belly and pain so bad I had to pause a few times while working.

Then today it was continued bloating, a small amount of digestive upset, and this evening a continuous deep intestinal muscle spasm on the left side of my belly all night. A very odd rumbly fluttery sensation, but no pain.

All this, over a single tainted beverage 4 days ago. And this giant canker sore doesnt help. Now you know why I've gotten obsessive over gluten.

I over-packed a bunch of food for my travels. I booked a hotel room with a full-size fridge, and have avoided eating out. I thought I would be by myself this trip, but tonight there were 3 other colleagues in town so I happily enjoyed their company for dinner and was super careful.

After dinner I went shopping with my colleague at Express because they had a sale on pants. Even the 00 didn't fit. Very discouraging. Why do I have no ass and why are my legs so skinny?? It's okay. That brand just isn't cut to fit my body the way it is right now.

Then after I got back to my hotel I got lonely and started texting cute customer, even though I vowed to let that go a little bit. Overall I'm okay with the way things are going, so I guess that will evolve... carefully. We seem to be on the same page. I mostly want to make sure that I don't start to rely on him. Which is tricky and I probably shouldn't have made lunch plans on Thursday... but I'll be on his side of town! What's wrong with lunch?

I also got lonely at some point this week and I chatted with my sisters on Instagram and sent Dayna a text... I am noting that I can't completely rely on myself for company. I don't want to be a freaking hermit.. It's okay to crave interaction with others, but I guess I have to find a balance between interaction with others, and being okay with myself.

{insert therapy here?}

06 May 2018

Pursuing peace

Today I had planned to go to yoga. I even set my alarm. Then my sister texted me saying that Calvin had requested to go to the park near my house.

Well, when your nephew wants to go to the park near your house, you skip yoga and you go to the park.

It was a beautiful day for park-hopping. Turns out, it ends up being as good for your soul as yoga.

I definitely found an unexpected attitude shift this weekend. I'm glad I did.

I have to travel next week... which I did not anticipate, and my dad will be visiting, plus the contract on the house has not fallen through, YET.

So it should be an interesting week.

small encounter

This weekend I was kicked out of my house for a showing and I went to the local coffee shop.

I ordered a coffee and sat down at one of the tables with my laptop, reading some emails and catching up on some work. I was slightly crabby as my allergies were acting up and all I really wanted to do was take a nap.

There was a little boy, probably about 1-2 years old, who was playing in the corner of the coffee shop with his dad (?). At some point he walked up to me and handed me a domino.

He was really freaking adorable and I have no idea why he felt the need to hand me a domino, but it made me feel good; like according to a small child I was warm enough to be approachable.

Maybe I am sending out good vibes even while I'm reading work emails and stressed about everything possible in life.

Maybe the cute little guy just wanted to share his dominoes.

05 May 2018

re-focus

This afternoon I accidentally got glutened and had to cancel my evening plans.

What I didn't expect was to experience anxiety. Not from the physical effects of glutening. Because I was alone in my house with no distractions. I usually do not suffer from FOMO, but I was feeling it, bad. I was really looking forward to dinner with some old colleagues and late night partying at my sister's. I was wearing a new maxi dress and feelin' myself. Gluten had other plans, as it usually does.

I've been busy every single day/ evening for several weeks. Dinner plans, dates, brunch, working late, activities, etc.

When I was forced to be alone and quiet, I started to pay attention to my thoughts. I thought I was doing well, all things considered. I have been attempting to adapt, but maybe I haven't been addressing some important things. I think I have been using distractions to cope. Which is normal, but I didn't realize I was doing it. Dang my sneaky mind.

There have been 4 offers on the house, I think. They've all kinda blurred together. Three have fallen through and each one has been emotionally charged. I've been rolling with it the best I can.

With this latest offer, I'm less optimistic that it will go through. But I accepted anyway. They want the fridge and washer and dryer. Which is no big deal, but it pulled at an unexpected heartstring. Chris made a big deal about buying me that washer and dryer. It hurts a little bit to give them up.

A strange thing to be sentimental about, but it's there. I remember sitting in front of the brand new washer just after we moved in, and watching the cycle. I was skeptical that the high efficiency washer that used so little water could get clothes clean. Chris took a picture and posted it to facebook with a cute caption. That was back when we were happy. Such a strong memory attached to that washing machine, and last week I exhaustedly agreed to give it to a stranger who might get to live in our house and wash their clothes in it.

It's a washing machine. It shouldn't mean so much. But it does.
I don't need to figure out all the "whys" right now. I think acknowledging these strange emotions helps a lot though. I'm upset at the thought of losing the washer and dryer because I have a strong memory associated with them.

Which is why it's probably a good thing to let them go.



In addition, I think I've been using dating apps and this cute customer to distract me from my ultimate goal of being okay with just me.

I noticed last weekend when I didn't get a text back from cute customer* I felt a little down. Yeah, it's been a nice way to move on, but I'm finding myself falling into the same pattern of seeking validation from others.

I've been handling this whole process as best I can, but I really eventually want to reach that level where I'm not dependent on anyone else for my inner peace and happiness. It's so easy to latch onto the positive feedback from others, but that's not really what it's about. Because when that positive feedback ceases, I'm left with a void and I feel bad about myself.

I fall into that pattern so easily. I have to make an active effort to shift my focus and that's going to be an ongoing process.

Thinking about seeking a therapist again, just to help direct this focus. My boss suggested this great employee assistance program, and I think I might check it out.

Oh. Also. My work laptop won't turn on. Sure, why not?

*Cute customer is technically the blood bank supervisor and not directly my customer but... there's that grey area... but I keep using that term to describe him because it has nice alliteration.

01 May 2018

a couple things

Today was a rollercoaster, emotional-wise.

I attended my neighbor's funeral and it was very lovely. The end, though, got me. He was a veteran and they gave his widow the flag draped across his casket. Complete with taps. It was beautiful and I don't know, maybe military funerals still hit too close to home. Maybe they always will.

Then, thankfully, Dayna texted me asking me to lunch and she's done that before but I've always been busy. It was perfect timing. I had lunch with her and her sweet youngest kiddo who always smiles back. I needed that.

Then the afternoon was a whirlwind of work and I was kicked out of the house for a showing. I could have gone to a coffeehouse or something, but I decided to get a pedicure while answering emails. While I was getting my feet rubbed, I got a call from Helen that I did NOT expect. Lots of stressful phone calls later, we are thisclose to accepting a really great offer on the house. Cross your fingers y'all.

I was still feeling crazy from the up-and-down emotionals of the day, so when I peeked out the kitchen window and saw my neighbor outside watering her flowers, I went over. Chatted with her for a while and I didn't expect it to calm me down as much as it did.

Chris and I are getting along really well. Like, better than we have in years.
I think we're both on our best behavior? Or maybe all of the background expectations and emotions between us are gone, so now it's just us behaving like adults and discussing logistics and actually respecting each other? I don't know.

There's still a bit of sadness there but at least now when I talk to him it doesn't devastate me. Maybe we can be one of those divorced couples that doesn't harbor complete hatred for one another. Not that I'm that type of person anyway, and not that I expect to talk to him at ALL once our divorce is final and the house is sold, but it's a new dynamic and it's so weird that it's NOT weird.

It makes me feel like we've made the right decision, though. Like it confirms that as a couple we really didn't work but as individual people we're ok.

You guys, it's only Tuesday.

30 April 2018

positive

My ego got bruised a little bit today, even though it shouldn't have... because I respect the fact that not everyone wants the same thing.

I feel like I'll need to get used to this feeling while I establish my own style of navigating this minefield. It continues to be interesting.

Got an insulting offer on the house today. Keep in mind that we got a full price offer 10 days ago (which obviously fell through but I suspect it was their financial situation), then today's offer was TWENTY TWO THOUSAND DOLLARS LESS THAN ASKING PRICE. Clearly they're not serious about buying the house. Like, why even bother? No thanks, bye.

Not gunna worry about it; everything happens for a reason and sometimes things seem disappointing when they are really falling into place.

So, you know, choosing to count the blessings that I DO have and keep myself in the moment.

29 April 2018

oh life is bigger

In addition to the startling news I got Friday night, this weekend my parents attended the funeral of a 15-week old little boy, and my brother and dad attended the funeral of a friend/colleague.

I guess we all spent a few moments appreciating life and the wonderful people in it this weekend.

For me, that meant enjoying my brother's club level tickets for the Astros on Saturday night that he so graciously shared. Stadium nachos + good company + beautiful weather = an appreciation for life.

Sunday, momma insisted that myself, my favorite sister in law, and Ash/Collin go to brunch. We had a great time which extended into another beautiful day of porch drinks and watching my cute nephews play in the water all day. Plus I got to wear my new pink dress.

Had a few house showings this weekend. Helen called this afternoon to say that there was a couple with two little girls who looked at the house. Apparently the girls helped themselves to a couple of apples and juice boxes from the fridge. Which was no big deal and pretty funny and I'm glad they didn't help themselves to the bud lights in there.
I hope that if they were there long enough for the girls to grab a snack, perhaps they might want to put an offer on the house? I'm getting pretty tired of making my bed and strangers walking through my house.

I missed a whole bunch of blogging for a couple weeks but it's so much to catch up on. I guess I'll have to rely on my memory for that.

28 April 2018

perspectives, again.

I've been feeling off lately. After spending the day feeling super annoyed for no good reason, I went to yoga and found my breath and got a little more centered. This yoga instructor spoke of cells and atoms and my little scientific heart really dug it.

Made some dinner, ate it on the back porch because it's a nice night, and prepared for a quiet evening and early bedtime. Busy day tomorrow plus there are some showings, so I need to clean the house a little.

Around the time I cleaned up dinner, the doorbell rang. It was my neighbor. Not the neighbor I usually mention; the one on the other side of me. I figured she was paying a social call to find out about the For Sale sign in the yard.

Boy, was I wrong. Her husband died yesterday. The sweet large man who grows tomatoes and loves Jesus. He died a horrible painful death of kidney cancer, which was diagnosed 2 weeks ago.

She basically was like, "Hey I don't want to be alone and my son doesn't fly in until midnight so I think you should come over." 

So without hesitation, I went next door. We spent the whole night talking. 
They were married 50 years. He proposed on their 2nd date. They used to have a sailboat. They both just retired. Life changes in an instant.
 
Yes, she asked about the For Sale sign. When I told her about Chris, she immediately guessed why our relationship didn't work out. She understood completely and without explanation. It was literally like a breath of fresh air.

We both got tired and we both mentioned that it was getting late, but she didn't make any moves to get up so I sensed that she wasn't ready to be alone. I waited to leave until her son walked in the door. I shook his hand and offered condolences and apologized for being the strange woman in his parents' house at one o'clock in the morning.

When I walked into my house I discovered that in my immediate departure I left the back door open so there are a bunch of junebugs and moths everywhere.

But, you know, it's really okay. 

Roomba can handle that tomorrow while I drink my coffee and ponder why I keep getting startling reminders that life is short.

14 April 2018

saturday musings

That feeling when you're browsing houses for sale and come across your own listing.

Two showings tomorrow, and the kicker- the person we bought the house from has expressed interest in buying it back. Because they know the home needs a little love, but the neighborhood and the lot are phenomenal. Good. They can have it, for the right price. Because we put a decent amount of money into this house... and they know it. With any luck, I'll be able to convince whoever buys the house to push the closing date back so I won't be homeless.

Really focusing on that "avoiding homelessness" part right now.

In other news, this weekend has been pretty good. Had a really great Friday night enjoying some good company, and enjoyed a nice leisurely lunch with Missy this afternoon. Getting ready to travel a little next week.

Speaking of travel, I don't think I'll hire the cat nanny again because of some cash that went missing... twice. Which is a super bummer because she's a sweet girl and I honestly think it was her boyfriend but... no.

So Pumpkin will just have to be lonely and maybe this week we'll have some showings and people will pet her.

12 April 2018

emotion-what

Today was unexpected. I've been doing very well, emotionally. More good days than bad.

I was okay until the photographer arrived and started taking pictures for the real estate listing. Suddenly, it seemed like a lot to handle. I texted Ash that I was having a hard time, hoping to get some words of encouragement. I took a few deep breaths and sucked it up, then Helen (realtor extraordinaire) showed up and we started fine-tuning everything so that the photographs would look good.

Then it got to be too much again. People were in my house re-arranging bits of my home, my life, to make it look appealing to other people.

When we bought the house 4 years ago, I expected that we'd sell it under very different circumstances. It suddenly seemed so real and huge and out of control, and a huge wave of emotions hit me.

So I started crying. Right in front of the photographer, who handled it all like a man who was uncomfortable that a woman was crying, and he kept taking photos. I felt bad for the poor guy but I couldn't help it. Thankfully Helen is very understanding and sweet. Plus she knows what's going on so she wasn't completely blindsided.

Fortunately, at the moment when I doubted that I was going to be able to compose myself, Ashley and Mom walked up to the front door. A simple text message like a bat signal, and 20 minutes later they were there. I really can't put into words how thankful I am for them.... at that moment and a million others.

With their help, the photographer was able to complete his job, minus one weeping homeowner.

After he left, I went to lunch with mom and ash, and pulled a page out of Elle Woods' handbook and got a mani pedi.

I still don't know what made today so hard. I'm really at a place where I know my relationship with Chris is over and that sucks but is ultimately a good thing.

Maybe it was because this big life change that I never wanted is actually moving forward? Up until now it was all talk and planning. Now it's becoming real. Maybe because I expect the house to sell and I don't have a real solid plan about where I'm going to live next?

Either way, I don't expect to be able to explain all of my emotional routes during this process.

Some days will simply suck.

I do have to say, once again I am thankful for waterproof mascara. That stuff didn't BUDGE even during a solid cry.

08 April 2018

(lazy) sunday

Another Sunday.

Scrolling through pinterest, but the back of my mind contains an image of the basket of dirty laundry in the closet, and the fact that I'm out of eggs and chocolate and toothpaste.

Chris only had a small question about the paperwork. Said he'd send it back to the lawyer Monday. Still weird talking to each other like acquaintances who didn't just spend the last third of our lives together.

Went to a charity dinner on Friday and wound up bidding in the live auction and WINNING a nice package with broadway tickets, a hotel stay, and some restaurant gift cards. Looking forward to having a little fun.

03 April 2018

other life updates

In other news, work is hella busy, which is good because if I were sitting in my house alone all day, I'd be going crazy.

But it would also be nice to get an office day... mainly so I can get my office cleaned up!

I finally had a chance to clean and pack stuff away. Today the realtor came by and we went through the house to determine the best way to stage it for pictures. I think next week it will go on the market. Still bittersweet. I'll miss this cute house. Plus I don't like the idea of strangers roaming through my house. Let's hope it sells fast for a lot of money. I could be homeless for that.

Chris officially has the paperwork. I'm nervous that somehow things will get complicated, and therefore more hurtful and stressful.

Deep breaths. It's alllll gunna work out.

02 April 2018

Never say never

I said I'd never date a customer. Absolutely off limits! No way! That's unprofessional!

Welllllll.......

I went out with Cute Customer last Thursday. I figured, what the hell, why not? We have chemistry. I've been alone since July, my marriage has been over for a while, the wheels of divorce have been set in motion, and a cute guy wants to take me to dinner. Saying no felt wrong.

It was fun. Really! It wasn't awkward at all. He was a gentleman- opening the car door and making sure the restaurant had GF food and such.
He was NICE TO ME. Which is not a big deal in the big scheme of things but it's been a long time since a guy has been nice to me. I had a nice time. Plus we fooled around and I really enjoyed myself. Renewed my self esteem and put a little pep in my step. All good things.

Plus, it turns out he was also apprehensive about going out with a work colleague and we're on the same page about discretion. Sweet. Now I'm trying to make sure this new situation retains a good balance of casual and I like you. Friends with benefits at 33? I'm game. Something tells me it won't work out like that, because it never does, but oh, well. Should be interesting and fun in the meantime.

Anyway. House is ready to list. Bittersweet. I like this cute house. But, while packing up the extra clutter and purging things for the garage sale, I was reminded how I don't want such a big house.

Everything happens for a reason and I'm ready to adapt. Let's go.

24 March 2018

Updates and feels

A few updates:

1. My data got recovered, YAY!!

2. Divorce news: I met with the lawyer on Friday. It was pretty much what we had discussed during the last meeting, but this time I met with the legal assistant and I paid them $2500.

The papers will be filed with the court on Monday. The lawyer will communicate with Chris directly and will tell him exactly what they need. Basically he will need to sign a few papers.

Then 60 days from Tuesday, I will go to court with my lawyer and finalize the thing. So by June I should be legally single. That seems so far away and so fast at the same time.

I don't know how I expected to feel, but to be honest I felt... happy. Free. Like this is a long time coming and it's for the best. I went home, suddenly felt exhausted, and took a hard nap. Woke up and started packing up some of the clutter that's necessary to pack when trying to sell a house.

~

Then today I helped my neighbor water her flowers (she just had surgery), and I told her about everything. They really liked Chris and would ask about him all the time after he left. We both cried. Sigh. The emotionals are still wonky.

My realtor was also disappointed. She doesn't want me to have to move, especially because this house is SO GREAT and we got a great deal on it. Selling it now is kind of a financial bummer, but what can you do?

ALSO. BIG THING THAT I HADN'T CONSIDERED: I have to wait until the divorce is final until I sign a contract on a new house, or else he will legally own half because we'll still be married.

That's a good thing because I don't have to rush to list this house, but also the timing has to be perfect because if it sells before the divorce is final I'm essentially homeless. Joy.

Also want to note that the responses and advice I've gotten when I tell people about the divorce range from condolences, to wanting to set me up with their brother (really), to asking me out on a date, to suggesting I get a sancho to 'help me through this'.

I've gotten a ton of stories from a ton of women that I know telling me about their own divorces and some of them are pretty juicy!

I feel like I'm being inducted into a club that I never wanted to be a part of.
But this is my life now so here goes.

P.S. Cute customer mentioned taking me to dinner on Thursday.

20 March 2018

Huh. Well.

It's come to my attention that guys don't ask for your number because they want to be friends.

Well, I DIDN'T KNOW THAT because I haven't been single in 12 years.
I haven't worn my wedding ring in months, but I'm usually left alone and I like it that way.

There have been a couple of recent incidents though.

A few weeks ago a colleague (who works for a different division) asked for my number after we got to talking at the hotel breakfast. He suggested we meet for a drink because hanging out in your hotel room alone is boring as hell. I thought he was being nice and it made sense.

Nah, he was just real smooth about it.

We didn't end up hanging out but we've been texting back and forth about our travels, real platonic stuff. Then tonight he busted out a "Hey gorgeous." I'm like, WHAAA? Did he mean to text ME? Obviously he's drunk and that was a mistake and it was meant for someone else.

On a related note, that aforementioned off-limits cute customer asked for my number today and he worked it into our conversation so flawlessly that I felt like an asshole saying no so... now he has my number.

Damn these smooth men. When did men get so smooth? Maybe it's because the last time I dated was in college when guys were just as awkward as I am. Crap. I have some catching up to do.

I need to have an equally smooth rejection phrase ready that doesn't sound rude. Ideas??

I honestly don't want to date (ESPECIALLY because I'm not divorced yet!) and this whole thing is weird and it sucks trying to interpret intentions and I have to ask my sisters how to respond to flirty text messages... but oh my GOD that's what it's like to date! No! No! No! I don't want any of it.

Now I have to avoid cute dudes.

Especially the ones that have my number.

19 March 2018

OMG STRESS

I opened up my laptop and the camera was on. Candid photo of my laptop's view:


Today was stressful.

My week is hella crazy and I'm so glad I have my outfits picked out for the week.

Stressors, in order from most stressful to least stressful:

1. I still don't know if my data can be recovered. I called my boss today who got me in touch with someone who seemed promising but I haven't heard from him so... no answer yet. I assume I haven't heard from him because he's still trying. If he had determined my data was a lost cause, I'd have heard by now... right?

2. Meeting with my realtor Wednesday. SO MUCH to do before listing the house. Electrician came today and the goddamn kitchen light is not mounted properly. I can literally see how it's not attached. I paid him $120 bucks to install a light and it's completely wonky?? Are you serious? Glue the thing to the ceiling, I DON'T CARE.

3. Meeting with my lawyer Friday to file the official paperwork. Moderately stressed about making it back into town by 3pm from Lake Jackson. Lawyers usually charge for tardiness.

4. Meeting with a new customer tomorrow who is anxious to get her new instrument because she hates her old one. I have to remember that in work terms, her problems are the most important thing to me right now.

In other news, my family and friends are incredibly supportive. It feels weird that I'm telling people in waves, a few at a time. I guess it feels like a lot to disclose at once.

It's weird. I don't know what I expect from people when I tell them.
Personally I feel like I sort of failed, so I guess I expect criticism and judgement? 
But mostly I get condolences. Which is incredibly touching, because it IS a great loss and it sucks a whole lot and it's so nice to have that acknowledged. 
I know some good, good people.

I told my boss today about the divorce/move and asked for his advice about where I should move due to our account density/ job security. He was wonderfully empathetic. Apparently there are a ton of resources available through the company that I can use personally. Also he said it's best to stay in this same area because he just finished re-assigning accounts to make us as look as useful as possible based on where we live. You know, in case there is another round of layoffs?

So, good to know. My realtor seems to think the house will sell super fast so it might be in my best interest to find a new house first, then list this house. Sure. Why not? Good thing I trust my realtor.