29 September 2013

we crave a different kind of buzz

Pictures of asparagus growing really creep me out for some reason. They kinda remind me of this scene. I know, those are shrimp and not asparagus, but the connection has been made and there's no removing it.

I slept really well last night. I don't know if Pumpkin was just quiet, but I didn't wake up once. I didn't even move-- my hair was still wet on the spot I was laying. I can't remember the last time that happened.

I also keep having sex-ish dreams. Some are more horrifying and disturbing than most. Last night I was participating in a hand job competition. I won, of course.

Gotta get to the grocery store before the church people overrun it.

27 September 2013


What a fascinating article. From the title, I thought it would be about something else entirely. I miss performing scientific experiments-- even psychological ones.

As a child I always wanted to be a teacher. I don't remember the age when I stopped wanting to be a teacher. I wavered around psychology in my teens, then realized how much it bored me when I started taking college courses. It wasn't until well into college that I decided that Scientist was the job title for me. Which also contributed to why it took me 7 years to earn a Bachelor's. But that's another story.

It occurred to me the other day that I am, in fact, fulfilling my childhood dream of teaching. In a way. For the past few months, I've been teaching small groups of professionals several times a week. And you know what? It's the highlight of my day. I love commanding the attention of a room, hearing a chuckle when I make a joke. I love the challenge of bringing daydreamers and rushers back on track, and seeing the understanding in people's faces.

In this particular position, I still hold the same job title as I did before, but it's a different department and my actual duties are worlds apart.

I frequently check in with myself and ask myself a few questions: If I miss the bench, if I want to get back into patient testing, if I miss the lab.

When I walk through core lab, I don't get a pang. Patient testing and its repetitive stressful urgency don't make my heart pitter-patter.

When I walk down the hallways and peer into research or student labs, I do get a pang. I want to don a lab coat and gloves and get right into something biohazardous. To execute delicate techniques and develop experiments. To identify something neat under a microscope. To test hypotheses. To learn.
The thing is, the opportunities and stability of those types of jobs are not as good as what I've already got.

So while I am content in my daily activities that don't include patient testing, I still yearn. I keep my eyes open for new opportunities and ways to "move up." One problem is, most of those require at least a Master's degree, and that can't happen right away. Not to mention I only have 3 years of experience in a laboratory profession. What I do know is that I won't stay here forever. I will eventually outgrow this position, and honestly I think that's expected of any halfway decent person.

P.S. We got inspected this week, and the only problem when was someone (not in our department) made a really stupid, dumbass, careless move RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE INSPECTOR. Violating hospital and lab policy. It was one of those facepalm moments.

25 September 2013


Tonight I finally cooked my infamous Peas & Cheese. Delicious.

Also, tonight some neighbor kids rang the doorbell with school FUNDRAISERS! Yay! I've been waiting for this! Yes, I did ask what prize he was hoping to win. It was some iphone docking something or other. They were selling candy, so I got 3 candy bars. I think I was more excited than they were.

That's all I have for now.

24 September 2013


So, today I made a choice.

Things will not always be this way, but right now they are and I'm in it for the long haul. It's not always about right now, and it's not always about what I want; sometimes it's about what's best for the future and building a good, solid foundation on which to build that future.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. This is not a stagnant pool. It's still growing, and right now it has the huge potential to grow apart. I feel like choices like this help keep the web woven tightly.

Ah, metaphors.

Also, I'm so thankful that my sisters back me up no matter what choices I make. Ashley's the only one who's as stubborn as I am and totally gets my marriage dilemmas that might sound irrational to other people, and Suzy puts a positive spin on it, while giving me advice that makes me not sound crazy. Can you get a support system that's any better?

--Why did I think Dilemma had an N in it?

22 September 2013

deep breath

Why hello, fall. I'm digging your cool air. You can stay a while.

As much as I would like it, this is not going to be one of those things where I wake up one day and instantly feel better. This is going to be a process. There will be good days and bad days.

Yet, every morning I will wake up and tell myself, "This will be a good day."
Then, I will tell myself why this will be a good day.

I've stumbled out of depressive funks WAY worse than this, and I know how to do it. Even though this one has lasted a while, the method is no different.
It's all about attitude and changing perspective and making an effort.

I did indeed check several things off my to-do list yesterday. It feels good to check things off that have been lingering for a while.

In addition:

+ Started to clean out the closet. I unearthed 22 tank tops, and that's not counting what's in the laundry basket.

Rainbow of tank tops! Saw some things on Pinterest for organization ideas because they take up 22 freaking hangers. Not ideal. And yes, I do need to keep them all... :o)

+ Renewed the library card. Already plan to go after work Monday and check out a few books that have been on my "to-read" list.

 I enjoyed this:

Well this laundry won't clean itself, and the groceries won't magically appear on my shelves.
I'm thankful that I have laundry to sort, a washing machine to clean it all, and the means to go buy groceries & feed myself. I am very blessed.

Today's bit of hippie wisdom from Suzy:
"You've got to understand that wanting to remove negativity from your life is NOTHING to feel bad about!! If you think about it there really isn't a good way to tell someone that their bad vibes are poisoning your life."

21 September 2013


It's the last official day of summer, and last night's rains blew in some cooler air.

I opened the door and walked outside this morning, coffee cup in hand, and felt the slight tickle of a chill on my legs. (It was either that, or the wind blowing through my leg hair...)

The cat was less than pleased; she tiptoed around the porch trying to find a dry foothold, then finally gave up, disgusted that there was no dry dirt to roll around in.

Though it's not exactly chilly, it was enough for me to switch off the AC and open the windows & doors. It's nice to replace some of the stale air in this house before the warmer winds inevitably find their way back.

Getting ready to go run some errands with mom and cross some things off my to-do list.

P.S. A mixture of baking soda and peroxide effectively removed the cat puke stain from my newest white comforter.

20 September 2013

same house, new look

So. I decided to party with a new online identity.

I don't miss the old; it's kind of like painting over avocado-green 70's paint in an old house with crisp white. Same house, new look. (And we still have wine!)

In addition to the new blog stuffs, I've been evaluating the people and situations in my life and deciding if they are good the way they are, if they need changing, or if it's time to call it quits. All for the purpose of inner peace & happiness. This may be my late-20's crisis, but at least I'll come out of it a better person.

I feel a little fresher. Although I still don't have it all figured out, the picture is becoming clearer.

Some things I've identified in several areas and am going to try:

Work: Looking into new transportation. There are several shuttles from my area to the medical center.
+ Might save some $ on gas and maintenance.
+ Be able to relax or zone or think or sleep on the commute instead of focusing on traffic.
+ Might make some new friends.
- Takes a little longer to travel. Would have to wake up a little earlier.
The point is, I won't know whether or not I like it until I try it.

Personal Appearance: Put a little more effort into it. I've been doing the bare minimum lately. When I look into the mirror in the middle of the day, I want to be pleased.
+ Start wearing lipstick. I feel like it brightens my whole face. Also try playing up the eyes.
+ Hair. Oh, the hair. That has gotten better, but is still sometimes a struggle. Keep working on that.
+ Clean out my closet again. Get rid of anything that I can't just throw on. Alter clothes that don't fit correctly. It would be nice to eliminate that daily source of frustration.

Daily Life: Little things.
+ Play with Pumpkin for at least 5 uninterrupted minutes each day after work. If I have to set a timer, I will.
+ Continue daily Skypes with Chris, as long as we are both available. He renews my soul even on video. I definitely married the right man.
+ Try harder to eat vegetables with dinner. I've improved over the last few months, but it's not a daily thing.

Enrichment: For the body & mind.
+ Renew library card. Free Kindle books get boring sometimes.
+ Exercise. I have a free gym at work that is literally on my way out. (Make sure the shuttle service leaves later or plan to drive that day.) Do yoga at home. Start jogging again. (This will be easier once it gets cooler.)

I even tried to do some youtube yoga in my living room the other day using the smart tv, but the youtube app wasn't working. So I fought with it for a while, then I got hungry and ate dinner instead. But hey, the thought and motivation was definitely there.

Socially: Not only to broaden my horizons, but strengthen relationships I value. Almost all of my friendships desperately need strengthening.
+ Get out of the damn house at least once every weekend and go hang out.
- Generally, the grocery store does not count.
+ Spending time with the Bennetts does. The other day I picked Calvin up after a nap and he started crying because I don't think he recognized me and got scared. That is NOT okay.

It's been raining the past few days, which means Pumpkin has not been outside and is seriously stir-crazy. I think we're both impatient for the cool weather & open doors.

To end this inner-peace post, a little bit of hippie-wisdom from my sister, from an encouraging email which reads like an insightful textbook and I can't even tell you how much I fucking love it:
"Negative people draw away from inner peace by introducing stress, anxiety, and general negative emotions into your life... It's vital to recognize these sources of negativity and remove them from your life, much like how you'd want to pull the weeds out of your garden to keep it healthy."

19 September 2013


You may have noticed that things are looking different around here. I like it.

16 September 2013

so fresh and so clean

It might be time for a fresh start.

I'm desperately trying to form a new outlook, but I can't expect it to happen while I continue to do the exact same thing. Changes need to be made. I'm tired of wallowing around in the same muck.

I've already made up my mind about a few things, and it's already feeling right. A big one is shake the haters off. Well, not even haters-- I know some great people but they don't really fit in my life and I don't know why I feel obligated to keep up appearances*. It's okay; people grow and sometimes they grow apart.
I want to spend less time tolerating and more time enjoying. Spend more time with people and situations that enrich my life. Be more genuine and less forced. Juggle things so that they end up that way. Personally, professionally, even social networking-ly.

This extension of a chapter of my life is very near to a close. In a few months my life will be different. I'm so ready for that.

The fate of this dear blog has crossed my mind as well. It may be time to bring it to a close. I will definitely keep blogging, because I fully believe that it has kept me from going officially nuts. I do enjoy it.

So. New chapter, new blog? I mean, this isn't even my name anymore. It kinda feels like somebody that I used to know. < --- haha I had to

I can't figure out if I should just give it a facelift, because there's something to be said about continuity, or change the URL and party with a new online identity.

The question is, what? The idea is so novel that I haven't even thought about what it would be. It's gotta be fresh, relevant to my situation, but classic enough so that it can last.

And no, Christopher, your suggestions of I'mafuckingtoot and poopinmycereal are not what I'm looking for. :o)


15 September 2013


Not sure how to handle this situation.

I thought this would be a smooth transition.

I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but I'm also pretty solid in my decision. There's a reason I have been feeling this way for over a year now and this decision has partly to do with my recent desire for "inner peace" ...thing. So I have to figure out a way to address this. Maybe Suzy will have an insightful solution.

Also, I got to spend quality auntie time with Calvin today. Man, that boy is cute.


Sometimes I think about my biggest regret and wonder if I'll ever feel like I redeemed myself.
Part of me is so guilty and disgusted with myself that I hope I never do.

14 September 2013


I have made a conscious effort lately not to judge people.

I feel like I'm a pretty big supporter of the you do you attitude, but I'm not completely judgement-free.

I didn't even realize that I did it so often until I started getting daily twitter doses of Suzy's new life outlook. I suppose it's kind of inspired me to be a better person. Not be so bitter. I feel like in the long run it takes more energy to hate people than it does to just let it be and enjoy the quirks.

In the short run, it definitely takes more effort to take a step back, tell myself not to judge, and force myself to look at it a different way.

For instance, the other day I was in the elevator at work and a lady stepped in. Older- probably in her 60's, as Dolly-Partoned as you can get. Tight skinny snakeskin pants, one of those "one-size-fits-all nubbly tops with a vibrant pattern, big caked-on makeup, and long curly crunchy white hair, which I debated to myself was a wig.

As I stood there behind her in the elevator, giving her the once-over, asking myself what she was thinking and debating on the wig, I caught myself and forced myself to stop. So what if she looks a little... overdone? If that's what she likes, good for her. Then I reminded myself that if she's in the hospital, she's either got cancer, or has a loved one with cancer, is probably having a hell of a personal crisis right now, and I had no right to judge her either way. You go girl. Wear your snakeskin pants and live your life.

Same goes for when I see a really pretty girl. My first reaction is to think, "Oh she's probably a bitch," and avoid her. WHY? I mean, yeah I've met some pretty girls who are mean, but that doesn't mean they all are like that.

And just because someone doesn't smile back doesn't mean they are rude. Maybe they are just shy, or lost in thought. I know I've been mistaken for rude when I've really just been awkwardly shy.

Some of the nicest, most wonderful people I've ever met are people who don't look like it at first glance. I remind myself of that on a daily basis in my quest to stop negatively judging so much.
I've felt like I've needed a personal quest for some time now, and I think this might be it. This toxic attitude is no doubt manifesting itself outwardly in some way. I think I'll be a better person when I've developed this new healthier habit, and I might be more content with myself.

13 September 2013

wine, food, brain, jones

This $3 bottle of wine is surprisingly good. I'm starting to favor reds over whites, and I'm starting to develop a taste for wines that aren't as sweet. Don't get me wrong; I can still knock back a moscato or a riesling any day, but I'm starting to enjoy a variety of wines.

Dinner was shrimp & red bell pepper sauteed in a little butter and seasoned with marjoram. Side of mashed potatoes & broccoli. I rarely cook on Fridays, but I was hungry tonight and it was calling out to me. Something about a long week and coming home wanting nourishment. And booze...

Seriously, try this: http://www.pinterest.com/pin/42784265183619203/

I don't know if it's in relation to the wine, but I couldn't stop it from happening.

I'm realllly starting to jones for fall. Yeah, Starbucks has the pumpkin spice latte back on the menu, but it's not fall until I can open all the doors and let the nice cool air breeze through. Pumpkin gets to roam free as she pleases. Plus, it's that much closer to husband-ness. All good things.

11 September 2013

so many things

I chopped up an onion because I realized that the one in my freezer that I've been using is almost a year old. Apparently I only use < 1 onion a year. That dang onion stung my eyes SO BAD. Tears were a-flowin, and even now they're still all stingy. I heard somewhere that putting it in the fridge first will minimize stinging, and I almost went and dug out my old lab goggles, but the waterworks had already started so I figured the damage was done.

Dinner: Black bean tortilla soup with avocado and greek yogurt (instead of sour cream). Fresh baked cornbread on the side. Pretty good.

The cable guy came and now there's a bright orange cable running from the back of my house, across my back yard, across my neighbor's entire back yard, into the box. Um, okay. They aren't going to bury it, or something? Oh, Comcast. I also have a feeling they're going to charge me for the service call even though it's not my fault, and I'll have to dispute the charge. Fun.

I've been walking non-stop for the better part of the last 2 days. I have to update procedures in all 90 locations, and that's a whole. lotta. walking. My dogs are barking, and my neck is sore and it's aching all the way down my back. I might have to steal my comfy ugly lab shoes back from Ashley. That is, if her stupid dog hasn't eaten them yet.

I'm also doing 3-4 training classes a week. I'm actually getting really good at it. I'm proud of myself for how I've evolved in my abilities to professionally and confidently train groups like this. I thought I'd gotten some experience from back in high school dance team, but it's much different training peers and training people who are not only older, but out-rank you in both experience and title. The differences in what you say and how you say it might be subtle, but they're powerful.

We are in both the Joint Commission and CAP window right now. We're expecting them in the next few weeks, right after each other. Work stress will be through the roof until we make it through all the inspections. It's a really big deal.

Reason # 3451 why I can't wait till Chris is home: I won't have anxious dreams about work or anything else anymore. I swear, as soon as I got home and saw him, all stress just disappeared and I slept like a friggen baby and didn't think about work until I clocked in the next day.

Word on the street is mid-December. There is a chance that we get him back for Christmas! Oh, I can't EVEN. I just CAN'T.

I am looking forward to cooler weather. We're pretty firmly out of the 100's, but I'll be pretty happy when some 70's days are sprinkled in here and there. 

Ok, maybe a shower will wash out the sting factor from my eyes.

09 September 2013


I've worn my hair curly almost exclusively for about 9 months now.

While I've embraced it, I'm also kinda tired of it.

I'm looking for smoother hair. I need to find a new way to style it. I want it to do minimal damage, and I want it to be quick-- I'm not a fan of losing sleep just to style my hair.

I've tried those large velcro rollers. They smooth things out a bit, but unless I straighten my hair first, they're not going to do much for me.

Then I saw a commercial for this spin air brush and I got intrigued. After looking at reviews online, I think it might work well with my hair type.

*I came home and randomly saw that the internet was connected. Surprise. No idea how long it'll last!

08 September 2013


Internet is still out at my house. Can't even begin to mention how livid I am about that. I'm so disgusted with Comcast. Their service and customer service has always sucked. When it's finally back on, I'll be able to call and having them reimburse me for these days I'm paying for no service.

So, I'm without it until at least Wednesday, when I have to pay another $50 for a service tech to come over and take a look at it.

I don't realize how much I use the internet until I am without it. I'm having pinterest withdrawals! I want to Skype with Chris! I can't pay my bills! Or check my email! I'm without my normal distraction and am forced to focus on my thoughts, which remind me of how miserable I am.
On the whole, though, it's probably good that I take a break from the internet. I waste a lot of time screwing around on the internet. Plus, I can do most of those things on my phone, however slow and annoying it is.

I watched a lot of tv yesterday. I don't really like tv much. This is nothing new.

I'm currently at mom's kitchen table, using her internet to pay bills. I must have gotten some overtime because my last paycheck was bigger than normal. I'm not complaining, but I honestly don't remember working any overtime.

Ok, I've got groceries in my car and it looks like rain. Toodles until I'm connected again.

07 September 2013


I just woke up from a dream where Ashley and Collin moved to Hawaii. It was for some great opportunity and I was trying to be happy for them, but I was absolutely devastated. Mom was like, "Don't you DARE cry and make them feel bad about leaving."
First my husband, then my sister?? and sweet baby Calvin would grow up calling one of their random family friends Aunt? It was like Hawaii was slowly stealing everyone I loved. It was horrible.

Then I woke up and laid in bed trying to figure out if I actually wanted to get up. And I started thinking.

What if Collin & Ashley actually did ever move somewhere far away? I've never lived more than 30 minutes from Ashley my entire life. I can understand Suzy's free spirit, Frank's ambition, and Luke's desire to get the hell outta here. When Suzy comes into town it's like a parade; everyone gets so excited. I always mention my guest room and how it's so comfy and empty... I'd love to try and keep Suzy here but I know she'd be miserable. COME MAKE RAVE BRAS IN MY CRAFT ROOM! I HAVE WINE! AND SEQUINS!
Ashley and I have just never experienced what it would be like to live far away from each other. We don't even hug goodbye because it's like, "Hey see you in a couple days." I love having a sister close by and I have no idea what I'd do if they both left.

Or, what if Chris and I move away? What if we moved away from everyone? What if I didn't live near any of my family members? I just can't even fathom. How do people do that?
(Well, I guess it does depend on how you get along with your family.)

I honestly think that if I ended up not living near my family, I'd just pick one of them and move to where they are. Or strategically pick a place that's closest to the most of them. I really think I'd be absolutely miserable without them.

The thought of coffee finally dragged me from bed. Also I installed a new modem and it keeps going in and out. AGHHERLKLH internet problems. I was on hold for two 20-minute increments last night and didn't even get to talk to anyone.

Got to run some errands today as well. Do you think it's better to get something framed at hobby lobby or michaels?