30 April 2009


I just wanted to document this and brag...

Taking a study break, I started watching CSI tonight. The episode began with Catherine being attacked by some lady who bit her and then collapsed and died. Right then I said, "rabies."

A half-hour into the show, they figured out that it was rabies.

I am such a badass.


Of course when I finally laid my head on my pillow last night at 12, I had major heartburn from my taquito/ salsa feast. I missed this week's episode of Breaking Bad on Sunday, and I knew there was a re-run coming on at 1230, so I got up and watched it. It was really good. Then I laid on the couch for about 30 minutes until I started to fall asleep. Sweet, finally at 2 I got to sleep. My alarm woke me up at the normal time, way too early.

I was pretty tired but determined to make the best of the day. Then, a series of events set me off.

It was all ok until I came in and noticed Pumpkin had puked on the windowsill... all down the wall, behind my bed, on her 'cat house,' on the chair, and on my bed. Say it with me: WHAT THE FUCK?? Every time I feed her this certain kind of wet food, she hurls. No more of that. I threw her out.

So I was pissed at that. Why couldn't she have puked in one convenient spot for me to clean up?? I had to strip my bed, taking off the mattress, box spring and bottom of the bed, pulling the frame out from the wall, cleaning up the wall, floor, bed, etc etc. It took me 30 minutes to clean that shit up. I was super pissed because it was going to make me late for class and I had JUST changed my sheets. Oh, and did I mention there is no carpet cleaner in the house? Of course. That, and I was super tired so my temper was very short.

Before all this happened I had put a frozen waffle in the toaster and had the syrup sitting on my counter. I turned around to find Sargeant on the counter. I yelled, he freaked, and knocked over the syrup, which exploded all over the floor. By this time I was irate. If I could have gotten my hands on him, I would have beat the shit out of him. Even now I'm pissed about it.

So I ignored the syrup and angrily ate my breakfast, stabbing at the food and steaming at my ears. There was no way I was going to tackle the syrup mess before I'd had any coffee. If cleaning up the puke wasn't going to make me late, cleaning up the syrup sure was. I contemplated leaving it there, but I really don't want to come home to a partially dried mess.

So, I cleaned up the syrup, which is surprisingly hard. The damn stuff is runny and goopy at the same time, and makes everything sticky.

One roll of paper towels, a load of laundry and 2 cups of coffee later, I'm late for class and I don't give a shit.

29 April 2009


If I've ever had a "FML" moment, it was tonight. I was at school all day, going to class then studying calculus in the library from 3-8, then I went to the review from 8-10. I'm not that prepared and the review only made me feel less prepared. Either way, that's a lot of calculus.

I'm always on high alert when I walk to my car after dark. I'm always looking around, walking at a brisk pace, with my pepper spray in hand. I always get my adrenaline going, ready to spray some fucker in the eyes and run away if I'm attacked. You just never know when something like that'll happen.

After the review was over I walked to the parking lot across campus, about a 10 minute walk... only to remember that when I got there, I had parked in a different parking lot... completely on the other side of campus. That was another 15 minutes across campus but a mere 5 from where I had originally been in class. It was late, and I knew the way back was not very well-lit and not a very popular part of campus, especially after dark. I kicked myself because if I had remembered when class ended I could have asked one of the guys to walk with me. I was mentally and physically exhausted, hungry, overwhelmed, and stressed. And my feet and calves were burning after I just powerwalked for 10 minutes in a paranoid state. I seriously wanted to cry. I literally said out loud, "fuck. my life."

But, I started walking, on super-high-alert, and on the way there I saw some people humping near the Satellite. Nice. Why do I always see random shit like that?

Anyway, of course I got to my car safely and the drive home was longgger than usual.

I got home, having not eaten since breakfast, expecting to eat some funky leftovers. But when I opened the fridge there was a tin-foil-covered plate. Sweeeet, mom fixed me a plate of whatever was for dinner. Taquitos and tator tots, with some salsa/ guacamole thing that was delicious. Okay, I take back the FML. But, at the time, no other phrase fit better.

I'm tired, time to do it all over again tomorrow.


...but I don't WANNA get up todayyyy.... <-- put as much whine into that as you can and you're not even close to how whiney I wanted it to sound.

I'm tired dude. I don't know why, I haven't been staying up that late. I have been waking up a lot during the night, though. Last night I unplugged my kitchen nightlight and covered up the window near my bed with a dark blanket. I slept straight through until Pumpkin jumped up on the windowsill and knocked the blanket down at about 4am. By then it was warm in the room and I tossed and turned until my alarm went off at 8. I pushed the snooze button till about 10...

I think the problem is not the lights, but mostly the temperature of the room. I sleep just fine in the winter time when it's nice and cold and I'm snuggled under blankets. During the summer time it gets so hot at night that I have to turn my loud AC unit on all night. I get used to the noise, but when it's on for hours it starts to get really cold. If I turn it off, within an hour it's warm again. Can you see how I'm up all night? Ugh.

I am dreading these next few days. I was at school all day yesterday. I will be there all day today studying for my cal exam, until the review ends at 10pm. I will be there all day tomorrow for class too. Then I have to go up there to take my exam on Friday.

Then, the weekend. But wait... I have a paper due Monday, as well as an evolution exam. I moved my biodiversity exam to Tuesday, so that gives me a little room to breathe. Too bad I haven't started on any of that stuff because of this cal test, so it's going to suck up my entire weekend.

I'm dreading the research for that paper. Writing it is a piece of cake, but doing the research is time-consuming. And don't even get me started on the cal quizzes I haven't been doing all semester. They opened them up again so now I have to hurry up and take them before I'm S.O.L.

It's almost over, it's almost over, it's almost over...

27 April 2009

blah blah blah

I wasn't even sure if I should write about this, to give it any credit.

I haven't heard from Chris since a month ago when he bought me dinner and I gave him his stuff back. (he insisted on buying me dinner, btw) When we were saying goodbye, he asked if he would see me soon, and I just shrugged. Knowing him, it would not be soon. And I was right.

I got a text message saying Happy Easter, but that was it. I did not expect to hear from him again, at least not for a very long time. I was actually happy about that. It's been a very drama-free month.

Out of the blue he texted me Friday and Saturday, but I was busy all weekend. Last night he called me and wanted to get coffee. I've been doing really well with not seeing or hearing from him, so I was really hesitant to go and stir up old emotions. He was insistent, even offering to drive and pay, and I reluctantly agreed. I mostly agreed because I was curious why he all of a sudden wanted to hang out.

We ended up having coffee, talking outside, but when it started to rain he suggested that we go back to my place and hang out. I thought it was wierd that he didn't just end the night, but he came over and hung out for about an hour. He played with Pumpkin and we talked.

I have been forever torn by the contradictory things he does. The only difference between now and then is, I used to get sad when he pulled this stuff; now I just get angry.

I don't hear from him for weeks, then he randomly texts me, using his pet name for me, and wants to take me out to dinner? What kind of crap is that?

He was neither overly affectionate nor distant. He didn't hint at anything regarding our relationship. It was almost as if the scene was plucked from some night back when we were dating, minus any physical affection. Just casual, natural conversation.

And of course he was in a great mood, joking around and just being the Chris that I know. That's the hardest part, because when he's himself it's as if nothing was ever wrong. Too bad the rest of the time he's withdrawn and useless.

He's thinking about joining the Marines, which I personally think is a great idea. Other than that, things are pretty much the same as they were when we broke up- up and down. The best I can figure is he called because he was having and "up" night and wanted some company.

What am I supposed to do now, figure out how to be friends with him? That would be the mature thing to do. The only thing I can do is go back to my life until he randomly contacts me again, then decide where to go from there.

I'm not going to lie, I still have feelings for him- when he's himself. But I'm not an idiot, and even if he called me today saying that he made a mistake and we should date again, I would definitely say that's a bad idea. Nothing has changed that would make a relationship with him now any different from before. I think he realizes that too.

The best thing about this is, I'm totally done letting him hinder my life. I'm not dating right now because I need a break from complicated. Let me be clear: there's no broken heart here. If I meet someone who looks promising, I'm not going to hesitate because of a lingering 'what if' regarding Chris. As far as I'm concerned, there have been more than enough chances for that.

So, I thought a blog would help clear out all the thoughts generated from that, and it has.

26 April 2009

all in a Sunday's work

This morning I woke up, opened the door to let Pumpkin out, and a huge spider crawled over my foot and across the kitchen, settling underneath the couch. I calmly grabbed a glass, moved the couch, placed it over the spider, and walked into the living room to tell my dad. He came in: "Ooh that's a big one." I went back to bed as he took it outside.

Fast forward a couple hours later as I'm sleeping in.

*knock knock*
*door opens*

Dad: "Jenny! We're coming in to fix your roof."

My roof has been leaking, so that every time it rains, it also rains in my bathroom- a mere 2 inches outside the shower. It would be cool if it would just rain inside the shower, haha.

Anyway, I dragged myself out of dreamland and cracked my eyes open to see my dad walking to the bathroom, followed by my uncle who is holding a beer.
The time: 10:30 am. I'm surprised they're up because they were out at the St. Theresa's Bazaar pretty late, no doubt pounding those "delicious Catholic beers." Hair of the dog, I guess.
They stood there talking, examining the ceiling, throwing ideas around, then went outside. Now all I hear is banging and walking around on the roof.

All I know is, when you start drinking at 10 in the morning and then you go climbing on the roof, things are bound to get interesting.

24 April 2009

true story

When I was nine months old, my dad convinced my mom to take me to Tijuana on a trip. While they were walking around, my mom pushing me in a stroller, some Mexican guy kept bugging her about something, but she kept ignoring him.

Finally, a lady went up to her
and said, "That man wants to buy your baby."

My mom was of course horrified, and they "got the hell out of there," as my mom puts it.

I asked my mom how much he was going to pay her, but she just gave me the look and said she didn't ask.

So, when I was nine months old a Mexican guy in Tijuana offered to buy me.

How hilarious is that?!

23 April 2009

lights, mind, eyes, hearts

So the concert was great. A band called Black Nasty opened for them, and they were soooo dirty and pretty hilarious. You know how some bands sound mediocre live? Not Spoon. They put on a great show, and it was a good crowd too. I need to buy their new album.

You know what my favorite part of each day is? Watering the garden. It's the only time of day that I take 5 minutes and do nothing but watch the water hit the dirt. I can't help but imagine the thirsty little roots taking it all up, think about the process of photosynthesis and the invisible nutrients in the soil that manifest themselves as colors in the flowers' petals.

I've got a busy weekend ahead of me, then a crazy two weeks of exams. Then- I'm done with UH. Kinda crazy to think about it. Something I've been looking forward to for so long is so near to completion.

I have high hopes for this summer, and I can't even begin to imagine what's going to happen this fall. One part of me is scared that I'll hate it, or something will go wrong and I won't get to go to CLS school, and one part of me is super excited that it's finally going to happen. I'll feel better once I actually get in the door, don my scrubs and my lab coat, and get my hands dirty.

Oh oh, and one more thing. The spiders in my kitchen (the smaller ones) have taken to crawling on the ceiling. The other day one was above my head as I was trying to eat dinner. I was scared it'd fall on my head or in my food, so I tried to move it but I ended up accidentally killing it. This morning I woke up to one above my bed.

According to my dad, spiders are hard to control- you pretty much have to spray constantly to keep them at bay. And, he doesn't want to do that because he's a spider-loving person, and, "they eat the mosquitos."

This is not cool. Just as I'm learning to co-exist with these things they cross another boundary.

22 April 2009


Hmm I may really start thinking seriously about this no dairy thing.

I know I always feel a little puffy after my morning cereal, but it's such a small amount I don't worry about it. Even if I eat milk or ice cream all I get is a little puffy, but I've noticed lately that it's getting more noticeable, and more painful.

The other night I shared a banana split w/ my man Jerome, and good thing too because it was HUGE. We didn't even finish it. Almost immediately after eating it, I noticed stomach pains.
Yesterday I grabbed a single scoop of vanilla at the ice cream place on campus, and in class it hurt so bad that I had to discretely hold my stomach and I even considered leaving.
Then tonight my family all gorged themselves on banana splits because Suzy had a craving. I just finished my dairy masterpiece, only to be plagued with stomach cramps again.

Correlation? Yes... but then again all my tests came back negative for dairy. Garr I don't know. Just another episode of "Jen's stomach hurts."



There is this feature that I really liked with my xanga account. You could make your blog public, but what if there was a post you'd rather not make public? You could either make that single post private, or make it available to certain friends you've invited to a protected list. I loved that feature, and I'm bummed that blogger doesn't have it. Even myspace has that feature! Come on blogger, time to step up your game.

See, I liked having a public blog because I liked getting random readers, but I if I have to censor myself, there's no point in writing a blog. I guess this will have to do for now.

21 April 2009

spoon and eating habits

Shit, I'm tired.

I got my results today and there is nothing wrong with my cervix. Doin' the happy dance.

My dad and his friend are smoking cigars on the back porch and I had my door open so it kinda smells like cigars.

I've noticed my middle is getting a little flabby so today I was supposed to start my eating healthy kick again. I had cereal & coffee for breakfast, and I prepared some asian turkey lettuce wraps for lunch, which were totally good and healthy. I packed a sliced orange, a plum, craisins and peanuts for a snack, but I didn't really eat them today. It's funny how some days I'll eat everything I bring for lunch and still be starving, and some days I'm not really hungry at all.

Anyway, then I came home and didn't feel like cooking so I mindlessly ate cereal, a klondike bar and some sour cream and onion potato chips. Ugh, why did I do that? It's not that hard to cook something. I'm just so beat from the day, and lazy.

I gotta get to my calc homework because tomorrow night I'm going to see SPOON. If you go to the website and click "songs" at the top, you can hear some of their music. I tried to go see them a couple years ago when they were in town but they sold out before I could get my ticket. So I'm excited. I've also heard them a lot in movie soundtracks and I'm like, "that's Spoon!" and no one else but Tony recognizes it. In fact, I think I heard them during I Love You Man.

Anyway, here's another music sample, just kuz I'm getting really pumped.

19 April 2009


Oh my gosh. Could today BE any gorgeous-er? I seriously doubt it could. Unless this was southern California, of course.

I finally got my little garden done today. About a week after I planted everything we got some torrential downpour that ruined all my hard work. The gutters were clogged and all the water pummeled right down on this little strip of dirt. I watched as it washed all the dirt away and the flowers got beat up. I was sad.

BUT. I hauled out the ladder and cleaned out the gutters, then I dragged Smash to Lowe's to get some bricks and build a border that will hopefully keep the dirt in there better. I certainly looks better.

I saw I Love You Man and Observe and Report this weekend.
I Love You Man
was funny, I love that Paul Rudd guy. I'd even watch it again.
Observe and Report
was a whole different story. Definitely one of the stupidest movies I've ever seen; a complete waste of money!

That's really all I have for this Sunday post.

16 April 2009

Change. is good.

Today was, overall, a disappointing day. Nothing seemed to go right. I'm really tired and glad tomorrow is Friday.

The kicker: today I was talking to "cute calculus boy" and noticed a ring on his left hand.
Son of a bitch. I guess that's one less thing to worry about. I'm glad I didn't get brave and ask him out and embarrass myself.

Anyway, so. Changes.

I gave my two weeks at my job. Well, actually, I told them I would stay until the end of April, right before finals.
I am so happy I finally did it. I love the people, but I was getting tired of the type of work and the flaky hours. That, and since they've moved to AZ they wanted to put me in charge of the Houston clients and give me a ton more responsibility-- something I don't want right now while I'm focusing on school.

My parents were recently approached by the world's largest commercial pest control company. They don't have offices all over the world, so they wanted my parents' business to handle all of the business they get in Houston. That is huge news and a very big boost in business, right when the economy is taking a shit. I swear, God looks down on us. Anyway, since we have such a large increase in business, my mom wants to hire me full-time over the summer- at a substantially higher wage than I was making before. I'm totally looking forward to it.

I'm also feeling a lot better about my classes, since I told myself it's okay to slack off and not shoot for A's. It feels great to not care about not caring. That's like... apathy squared.

So let's review:

No shitty relationship... check.
No shitty job... check.
Don't care about shitty classes... check.

Hm, lack of shit is good.

14 April 2009

just another tuesday

Well, here I am rescinding another paranoid freak out blog entry. Everything is gravy, yo.

Today was interesting. I'm pretty beat. I think I've got a fever from that shot yesterday, and my arm is killing me at the injection site. This happened last time, too.

After my exam today, I parked my butt in a sunny spot outside of the building and started on the crossword puzzle. A few minutes into that, the "overly enthusiastic" kid in my psych class walked up to me and said hi, as he always does in that awkward way. I said hello, as I usually do, and instead of walking right by he kind of lingered... I decided to actually introduce myself. It's wierd that he always says hi but we've never actually "met."
So I introduced myself and he took that as in invitation to sit down and start chatting. And hoo man, this kid is a trip. We talked about school and our majors, and how he rides the bus to school and it takes like an hour and a half. Then he was talking about how he met this girl he's dating on the bus and she's taking ESL classes at UH because she's from Africa. It was one of those wierd conversations that lulls because you really have no idea what to talk about, and every once in a while the wind would blow the wrong way and you could tell he smelled a little funky. He had me trapped in the awkward conversation until I left for class about 30 minutes later. He's friendly enough but so damn awkward.

Then I bumped into one of my classmates while I was chillen during my free time and eating my hummus, and he started telling me about how his girlfriend got mad at him and asked for my advice. Then he just randomly started talking about his past relationships and all that, and we had a nice conversation about that; it was spontaneous bonding? Anyway, he took my advice and everything's cool now. I was like, hells yeah I give good relationship advice. Too bad it doesn't work in my own!

I was totally going to find a way to talk to the cute boy in my Calculus class but I came up with nothing. I'm too chicken- or maybe I just don't want it bad enough to work for it. I gotta say this singleness and not worrying about anyone but myself is pretty darn nice. Do I really want to screw it up by pursuing some guy? I think not. Let's let the leaves fall where the wind blows them.

Still working on some changes that I can't post just yet... but progress is being made!

11 April 2009

Nature's Miracle

Pictures link to product website.

This post is a huge, grateful shout-out to Nature's Miracle. I got a 32 oz bottle at Petsmart for 12 bucks. This stuff is the shit. Remember the cat pee in my car? After all the other stuff I tried, I poured half a bottle right onto my seat and let it go to work. I really let it soak in, and saturated the hell out of it.

That was about a month ago. A few days ago, I remembered it and bent down and stuck my nose right on the seat. My sensitive nose didn't smell any cat pee. At all. It can take a while for it to dry, but it's worth it.

I am a very satisfied customer, and I'll recommend this to anyone. I'd definitely use it again, but hopefully I won't have to!

10 April 2009

good vibrations

I woke up at 5 am this morning with a killer headache. Then I had bad dreams that pumpkin had to be put to sleep and I was all alone. It was wierd.

But since then I've had a really great day.

I woke up at 8 and started to get ready for work. My head was hurting so I didn't want to put my hair in a ponytail, and I've been trying not to heat-style it so much. So, I pulled out a product from the back of the drawer that I used once and didn't like. I sprayed the Frizz-Ease Dream Curls 'curl perfector' on my rat's nest and holy crap, my hair is cute & curly. A little frizzy because it's humid, but definitely a far cry from a rat's nest. Sweet.

I took some headache pills to ease the poundage. Then, while making coffee I checked my phone and I had a text message from my boss saying not to come in today. Double sweet.

I had this other predicament: I deposit all of my paychecks into my Bank of America account, but I only have checks for my Wells Fargo account. I have to pay my taxes, and there was an issue with an online transfer. I know this one corner that has a Wells Fargo on one side of the street, and a Bank of America on the other. So, I went to Bank of America, withdrew the money, then went across the street to Wells Fargo and deposited it. Problem solved. Triple sweet.

Then I went home and cleaned up a little for the company I'm expecting tomorrow. Did some laundry, swept off the back porch and found a cute checkered tablecloth for the table out there. Then I went to water my newly planted plants, and they are faring really well. The wildflower seeds I planted are even starting to sprout. Yay! Then I planted the chili pepper seeds that I bought, so hopefully I'll have similar luck with those. I feel oh-so-clean-and-green. All the while I kept going through the kitchen grabbing Starburst jellybeans my mom got for Easter. Quadruple sweet? I think so.

I pulled out all of my summer clothes from storage and put away my winter clothes. I have some cute stuff I forgot about! Then I made brownies in celebration of Missy's Employee of the Week major award. Brownies can only make any day better.

Since my parents will be out of town this weekend, my mom prepared a "treasure hunt" for each of us with clues to find a small gift. At the end of my hunt, I found a Walmart gift card in my spices and some Priolosec in my shoes. Seriously awesome stuff, my mom rocks the party. Then, to sweeten the deal even more, the prilosec had a free Crest Whitestrips sample in it.

Then I went to the store and got a couple things, and I had a coupon for the gum that I like. Awesome.

At some point during the day I realized that I was in a great mood. It's been a long time since I've been in a really great mood for no particular reason. I had almost forgotten what it felt like, and I didn't even recognize it until I stopped to think about what was different. It's almost as if I'm content enough to stop worrying and let some happiness take over. Life, you rock some times.

Oh-- and shout out and congrats to my sister Suzy. She's the new KHS Cougars mascot!!! I'm so proud. :o)

09 April 2009

wow this post turned out a lot about babies

Yesterday I ran to the grocery store by my work to get some lunch. As usual, it was super busy. The hurried cashier asked me how I was, and I said I was fine, thank you, how are you? I guess that little bit of courtesy was enough for her to only charge me for the gum I bought. She didn't scan the frozen dinner or trash bags- definitely not a mistake. I didn't notice until I was walking out and looked at my receipt. Sweet. Lesson: always be nice to the cashier.

WARNING: GIRL TALK AHEAD. Boys, I don't want to hear anything about how you were forced to read this. I know you're going to read it anyway though, haha.

So, I'm officially producing my own hormones, being off the pill for a few days. I've noticed I'm more tired and I'm breaking out. I feel like I'm back to that grease-face stage during puberty. That, and I'm randomly spotting and it's super annoying because I don't want my panties stained. One of my goals in life is to have just a few pairs of non-stained panties. Just when I think I'm safe, my own body revolts, gah. Only last night did I realize that it was probably due to that change. I mean, I've been on the pill for 5 years straight now and I'm sure my body's got to adjust.

Speaking of, I was watching that tv show about chicks who didn't know they were pregnant until they gave birth- it made me all paranoid even though I know I have nothing to worry about. Anyway, how nuts is that? One minute everything is hunky dory and the next you're popping out a kid into the toilet. Crazy. I knew a lady who was about 6 months pregnant and didn't know it- and she'd had 2 kids before. She went to the doctor for backaches and turns out she was pregnant! I guess unless the typical, tell-tale signs are there, you don't really have a reason to think about it.

And speaking of babies, I'm pretty excited to become an "auntie" again. 2 of my good friends have babies on the way! They're both going to be cute pregnant ladies, tiny except for a huge belly.

07 April 2009


I think it's wierd the way my confidence fluctuates.

I am naturally shy, but like most shy people, once you get to know me I open up. I think it stems from always being the new kid in school, when everyone always looks at you and you're the NEW KID. Then you have to try and make friends with people that already have friends. It was tough putting myself out there. Then I was the socially awkward kid who wore hand-me-downs and grew boobs at 12 years old and had a messed up grill and couldn't control my frizzy hair.

As a result, I don't like to be the center of attention. My goal in life was, and still is, to blend in. I don't like all the attention to be on me. An example: I loved dance team. I think I danced my absolute best during group routines, but every solo I performed left me a nervous wreck. I'd be shaking so hard I'd lose my balance during turns. I still did them because I knew it'd be good for me.

Most of my friends don't know I'm shy because I try really hard to act like I'm outgoing and friendly. I've worked over the years to loosen up and be open to a crowd of new people- and I've met some really great friends because of it. I've gotten better at talking to people before class and inserting myself into conversations gracefully. By purposefully trying to act like I'm not shy, I've gotten better at appearing like I'm not and being more comfortable in situations where my first instinct would be to hide. I've also learned that sometimes people mistake shyness for snobbiness, and that is definitely not what I want to be portraying.

But there are some times when I crawl back into my shell and feel like I'm back in middle school being picked on and I think everyone's judging me.

Like today. In my biodiversity class you can bring in news articles and give a 3o second presentation for extra credit. I brought one in earlier in the semester, and I mustered up the courage to stand up in front of the class. Before I could say 5 words about it, my prof said someone had already done that one and I couldn't do it. So it was a tad embarassing and I sat back down.

Today I had another article and I got so anxious that I couldn't bring myself to raise my hand and present it. Also, 75% of the time in that class we read papers and have a class discussion about it. We put our chairs in a huge circle and discuss the paper. I've participated, and I think I've had intelligent things to say every time. But I get so nervous before I pipe up that I don't even know what I'm saying- I'm just saying words while adrenaline is pumping through my overly pressured blood vessels and I try not to think about the class looking at me. Afterwards I sit there and listen to other people contribute through the roar in my ears until I calm down.

Then other times I can get up in front of people comfortably. For instance, I had no problem talking and teaching in front of 40 girls in dance team. I've also given speeches in class that I've been a little nervous for but I kicked ass. I've volunteered to solve problems on the board in my Cal 2 recitation and been perfectly ok. The thing is, I really have to know what I'm doing to feel confident enough not to choke.

It does fluctuate with my confidence. The more confident I am, the less shy I am. I guess my confidence has taken a slight blow lately, but it's always on its way back up.

05 April 2009

earworms and gardening

I'm kinda hooked on this song:

The first time I heard it I was like, "eh." But then it grew on me, as most songs do. I'm not sold on the music video, though. Too much random rubbing up against stuff. I think they could have done so much more with it.

It's another absolutely gorgeous day, and I want to do something outside. Maybe do some gardening. Get dirty and get some sun. I've been wanting to plant a small garden and see if maybe I can grow some tomatoes or herbs or something. Some flowers, maybe. Something pretty.

The only suckage: I thought my paper was due next monday, but it's due tomorrow. Say it with me: BALL SACK. I'm so tired of spending beautiful days in front of the computer!

I'm organizing a potluck picnic/ day in the park for next weekend and I'm kinda excited about it.

03 April 2009



I will never get a Twitter account. Why? Because it's stupid. And no one else besides me really gives a shit about what I'm doing all the time. I mean, I already have this shitty blog (which, btw, I love). Do I really need to add one more level of narcissism to the totem pole of these social websites?

I'm fucking tired. Party on around me, world.

02 April 2009


I should be studying for my cal exam tomorrow, but I need a break.

Yesterday I drove up to school and parked my car. When I got out and started walking, about 10 feet away from me I noticed a guy between two cars. What did he do? He whipped out his dick and started peeing. Now, he was less than an arm's length away from some bushes, and had he chosen to pee in those like you'd expect, it would have put him facing away from me.

Instead, he chose to pee away from the bushes, towards the parking lot, and right towards me. As soon as I saw it, I averted my eyes and walked away quickly, trying not to laugh. I never made eye contact so I don't know if it was an accident and he was peeing before he noticed me, or if he was being creepy on purpose. I just know it was really wierd, especially because he didn't choose to pee more discreetly into the bushes. Either way I got an eyeful of some random guy's dick.

That's definitely not something you see every day.

01 April 2009


Well, I am down one printer. The damn thing sucked up every sheet of paper when I tried to print something, then kept telling me it was out of paper even when I replaced it. I tried restarting and unplugging everthing, but it still wouldn't work.

I have this shitty exam to take in a couple of hours and I was getting super pissed off fiddling with the thing, so I lost my temper and threw it across the room. Of course it broke into several pieces, and when I was putting it back together I noticed that there was still a piece of paper in the back of the feed. If I had just noticed it and taken it out, it would have worked fine. Fuck!

So of course when I plugged it back in, it just whirred and blinked at me. I'm sure I knocked some vital piece loose.

Did it make it feel any less good when I threw it across the room? Nah. But now I have to sit here feeling like a dumbass because I broke a perfectly good printer. Don't judge me.

hope... less?

I was right. Today was a better day.

I have an exam tomorrow that I am super not prepared for. Do I care enough to stay up late studying? We'll see how long the caffeine buzz lasts.

I couldn't concentrate because I still had some lingering thoughts from yesterday, so I called him and we ended up talking for a good hour, not about us or anything, just about random crap. The talk was kind of like a reality check. I feel like my head is clearer now, now that it's not so full of hope. Whoever thought that lack of hope could be a good thing?