26 August 2007

two steps forward

ok I feel better now.

Momentary weak moment. Still, it's time to avoid him like the plague. I can't deal with this shit right now.

On to bigger [taller...?] and better things!
I am woman hear me roar!

*shows muscles*


I've got that familiar feeling that I used to get when I couldn't concentrate because of the hurt. Please, please, please don't stay this way. Make it go away. I've been doing so well lately but all of a sudden it just pounces and grabs ahold out of nowhere and squeezes tight.

Fucking country music and Chevy Silverados and stupid 3am text messages that I wish I never got. Stupid movies about Dale Earnhardt and oatmeal raisin cookies and rocky road ice cream. Damn Cullen College of Engineering and those German beers in the grocery store. I never should have taken that call. No more random memories being triggered by everything! I don't want to be reminded!!

My frame of mind has slipped and I just have to wait it out until I can shift it back to where it belongs.

When you take two steps forward and one step back...
you're still moving ahead.

19 August 2007

cute boy-ness

There's this boy.
He is quite nice. and cute.
And I think there may be mutual attraction here.
We'll see.

18 August 2007

best chocolate cake ever

I love chocolate. However, I'm not crazy for chocolate cake or chocolate icing.
There's this cake.
It's so wonderfully delicious that I can't possibly stop at one piece. It's divine.

An ex-boyfriend's mom used to make it, and I have no idea where she got the recipe, but one day I asked her for it and today I was going through and found it. I've never actually made it myself, I always just ate hers.

I'm going to a party tonight and I promised Akh I'd bring some sort of sugary wonderfulness so I figured I'd give it a shot. Lately I've been substituting butter for that stuff that's supposed to make your cholesterol go down, eggs with egg beaters, whole grain flour, etc etc. But this time I didn't.

OH. MY. GOD. No words.

I feel like I must share this incredible artery-clogging diabetic coma straight-to-your-hips chocolate-y masterpiece with the blogging world. So here it is:

Best Chocolate Cake Ever

1 c. water
2 sticks butter or margarine
4 T. cocoa
2 c. flour
2 c. sugar
1/4 t. salt
2 beaten eggs
1 t. baking soda
1/2 c. buttermilk
1 t. vanilla
1 t. cinnamon

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
Boil water, butter and cocoa. Let it cool for few minutes.
Mix flour, sugar, salt. Combine cocoa mixture with dry mixture.
Add eggs, baking soda, buttermilk, vanilla and cinnamon.
Bake for 20-40 minutes in a 13x9 pan. (mine was ready right around 25-30 min)

Heat 1 stick butter, 4 T. cocoa, 6 T. milk but do NOT let it boil. Once it's all dissolved, add in 1 box (this was vague, I added about 3 1/2 cups) powdered sugar and 1 T. vanilla.

Pour this warm mixture over the still-warm cake.

Once it cools it gets this delightful layer of thin sugar crust and the icing's soaked into the cake so it's incredibly moist.

I had to beat my mom and brother off of it until it cooled... haha.


16 August 2007

pondering love

I can always tell when my sister hangs out in my room: the telltale signs include the futon cover being torn off, the TV set to some crappy countdown on VH1, candy wrappers next to my empty candy dish, and various other little messes here and there. I can rag on her all I want, but the truth is, it's kind of comforting.

So anyways, that little note aside, the real reason I logged on.

I've been thinking a lot, obviously. After all these emotional events going on lately, what with having talks with Rob and this thing with C and other guys that have come and gone, each with appropriate heartache and non-heartache...

My question is this: If you can 'get over' someone, does it mean you never really loved them as much as you thought you did?
Or does it just mean you have a healthy grasp of reality and not some movie-script idea of love?

I mean, because when you're in love with someone, or at least when you think you are, they're amazing and you can't see yourself not loving them. Then when you have to get over them, you find the strength until they're not really a part of your life anymore. I mean, it kinda HAS to be that way in order for you to get over them.

So when you stop thinking about them every day and it doesn't bother you if they're dating someone else, and you don't have any angry or bitter feelings towards them, you're actually happy for them, and you can have lunch with them and not have the urge to kiss them, and you don't feel that ache of lost love when you see them, they've become someone not as special.

How does someone you love like no other become someone that isn't even necessary in every day life, doesn't make your heart ache when you can't have them?
It's hard to justify those feelings I once had when now they aren't there anymore. They were real, I know they were. They're just... changed maybe.

I suppose I just change the romantic type of love into something more acceptable. But it still bothers me. Will there ever be a person where I can't transfer these feelings? Is that "true love?"

There really is no way to tell, is there?
But even while I toss this turmoil around, as each day passes I get more confident that things are gunna be all right.

13 August 2007

let them eat cake

I made a cake for Mitch in celebration of his two years sober anniversary. He requested a copy of a birthday cake I made a year or so ago: yellow cake with a layer of vanilla pudding in the middle, standard white birthday cake frosting. I decorated it with chocolate chips and made the AA symbol, I think he'll like it. I was mad because I couldn't find the cake platter I normally use and the only thing I could find was a big round plate. *shrug* he won't notice!

Here's a pic:

Of course now I don't want to eat it because I licked the bowl, had a taste of the pudding AND the frosting, and it's just overload on the sweetness. But I betcha it's yummy.

12 August 2007

11 August 2007

can't sleep

After a long day and a relatively mellow night with friends, my bed is calling. But my protesting stomach says otherwise. I forget sometimes that I can't eat and drink like most other people without having stomach discomfort. I've been taking advantage of these wonderful life-saving proton pump inhibitors, forgetting that they are not 100% effective and they are only a temporary fix. So, my late dinner combination of spicy gumbo and wine are giving me painful reminders of what life used to be like 24/7. I can take it every once in a while.

Tonight was spent at a tattoo parlor, providing moral support to V. Then we headed over to 59 Diner since we were all pretty hungry. I didn't know if we were going to end up at a bar or a club or what, so I wore my new top that I got on sale at Express a while back. I've been wanting to wear it. It's one of my favorites, shows a lot of cleavage but otherwise isn't too slutty. We ended up at Agora and had drinks. I love the atmosphere of that place, and the fact that they add tiny chocolate brownies to the saucer with my soy chai lattes. Oscar met up with us there, but E didn't. (I wonder what he ended up doing? He sounded like more in the mood for a club anyway.) Then, coincidentally I ran into T and her friend who had just come back from the mixers thing at the museum. We all hung out and talked, that museum thing sounds like fun. It was kinda strange at first hanging out w/ T kuz it's like, "hey, you're kinda dating my BFF Dave." But it was all right, I like her.

Thursday I got a new desk. I got the one from work for $15, which is a fantastic deal, because a desk this size new usually starts at $250. It's in good shape too. So I did a lot of rearranging and cleaning and moving stuff back up into the guest room for storage. When things settled down it was funny to watch Pumpkin sniff everything and climb on top of the new things, scoping things out. I like it, I have plenty of room for books and studying and all that.

It is going to be SO strange living here during the semester. At this point I'm usually making plans to move again. I have a feeling I'll be losing a lot of the camaraderie that comes with living on campus. I felt this way last summer and things were completely different, in fact they all went downhill. I think maybe the change is what I need. It's time to move on and let go, in a lot of areas in my life.

I think I can go to bed now. :o)

09 August 2007

letter to you

If you ever stumble upon this, or go looking one day and find yourself reading...

I do understand.
I know I make it sound like I'm blaming you for everything, but I'm just trying to get you to see past yourself and see how you affect other people. I think that's part of learning how to deal with your problems; seeing how you affect others, even though you think your problems are yours alone. They're not.
But I do understand. I should have made that clearer instead of arguing my point.

I don't blame you, you have every good intention for yourself and this is the time you need to take to do it. Yes, I was hurt, but there was no way around it. It was going to happen either way.

I hated fighting with you. Of course every fight was about how we weren't close anymore, and maybe I still don't understand this part, but you resisted.
Again, not your fault. It was over as soon as you felt nothing... empty. Numb. This should have happened a long time ago. There was no room in your life for a girlfriend and all holding on did was ruin our chances farther down the road.
We were all hurting and scared for you, with you. You didn't know that, though. It was as if you didn't want to know.

I hope you enjoy the changes you make. I hope you figure everything out. I hope you learn that it's okay to be alone, but it's also ok to allow yourself to let go and enjoy it when the right person comes along. I don't ever want you to miss out on another "strictly amazing" because you're scared.

You are the best and worst thing that's ever happened to me and I am very glad that I met you.

05 August 2007

still got it

I got hollered at in the grocery store today wearing old yoga pants and a tank top, wet hair clipped up and no makeup. And he wasn't even one of those creepy ghetto guys either.

Walking a little taller...

J and I had a great conversation today while laying out by the pool. It was really nice, just what I needed on a lazy Sunday afternoon. Just talking with her made me feel so much better about everything.

This weekend I asked C if he was seeing anyone. He said yes. When I asked why so soon [remember he said he loved me like a week ago?] he said he still wanted me but needed to fill the hole.

Oh, I see. So I suppose it's easier to snag the first girl that comes along instead of trying to work it out. It's all right, there's nothing I can do. I told him to have fun in a not-so-nice way and made it very clear that I've never been hurt quite so badly.

*shrug* It's my form of closure. Having gone through this before, it's easier to accept the fact that it's over. Despite that lingering feeling deep down... I'm sure it will go away after a while.

I can only take so much bullshit and hurt feelings. I can do so much better. All the love in the world means nothing if you're not treated like it.

So on a related note I saw this and laughed.