24 December 2016

peace

Peace.

As I type this I'm sitting at my dining room table, next to my not-installed double oven that we partially unpacked to see how pretty it is. I'm sitting in a room cluttered with boxes and there are leaves and muddy dog footprints on the floor. It was a painfully long day at work after a bad night's sleep and the remains of multiple projects are scattered around the house. Re: the house is filthy chaos and I'm tired. Plus I just paid the first bills that are due in 2017.
 2017. Already. But let's not get head of ourselves.

Let's talk about tonight- despite all of the factors trying to induce stress- in this house, with the smells of two different scentsy warmers melding nicely, a glass of wine to my left, cookies and ham packed away for a nice work holiday lunch, I feel at peace.

I suppose all of the puzzle pieces have fallen into place, for a moment, so that I get this bit of peace.

Any minute now I expect the anxiety and inner monologue to re-question everything, but for now I'm going to relish the peace.

Cheers.
Merry Christmas Eve.

22 December 2016

12 Days 2016

12 days of christmas

The Twelve Days of Christmas for Hubs is back! A few years ago I saw a neat idea that I thought I'd try for Christmas.

The idea is to give your hubs a gift on the 12 days leading up to Christmas, following the number theme. It was a huge hit, so it has become a tradition.


Here's what's in the boxes:
  
Day 1: A bottle of whiskey- single barrel. From the local family-owned liquor store
Day 2: A pair of can openers, perfect for backpacking and camping. We used to use these camping with my dad.
Day 3: Little bottles of Baileys. It's not Christmas without booze in your coffee.
Day 4: These neato twisty ties.
Day 5: A 5-piece dice game
Day 6: A 6-pack of beer
Day 7: 7 oz of candies
Day 8: A bluetooth magnetic speaker that will play for 8 hours
Day 9: Whiskey stones- 9 little squares of granite. For the rock enthusiast side of him.
Day 10: A $10 scratch off lottery ticket
Day 11: Some dark chocolate covered espresso beans, 11 oz
Day 12: A subscription to Guns and Ammo magazine

See all 12 Days of Christmas

14 December 2016

Hey there

Researching things about which I have NO earthly idea. May have to make this gift a non-surprise and get some input.

Another stellar performance review this week. It's a little embarrassing how much gushing goes on. Give me some constructive criticism? It's okay, I make my own goals. Thankfully I have a coworker who doesn't mind sharing insight, or books.

This year's Litmas invitations? I'm dying. My brother and the spirit of Litmas, everybody.


No babies born this year... I think?
You never know at Litmas.

11 December 2016

fresh rosemary wreaths diy

Need a quick, easy holiday craft/ decor/ gift?

Rosemary wreaths are darling, easy, fragrant, and simple.

rosemary wreath diy craft

rosemary wreath diy craft

I happen to have a rosemary bush that desperately needs trimming, so I hacked off a bunch and strung them all into wreaths. A bunch of rosemary purchased at the grocery store would also do the trick.

Most stems needed a simple tie-up with baker's string, but a few of the larger (older) stems needed coaxing with floral wire. Soaking in water does help make them more pliable.

I plan to take these to work as coworker gifts, and a few will make their way to neighbor's houses.

One or two will stay here to spruce up the kitchen decor until I need them for a soup.

25 November 2016

Product love

Dude, I'm popping in just to tell everyone how much I LOVE these Simple face wipes. I started using the Simple products back when my face decided to become one big rash, and I love them so much I haven't stopped.

I use the Day/Night cream on my face and decolletage. Now I'm raving about these things:
I knowwww you're supposed to wash your face every night. I know that. But while I ALWAYS brush my teeth before bed, I don't always wash my face. Especially if I've been drinking. Especially if I don't have work the next day and a shower can wait until morning.
And I've been getting mascara on my pillowcase and I've been breaking out. (Mostly due to hormones, but not washing my face isn't helping.) So I bought these wipes to try and I'm really surprised at how much I love them.

I simply wipe. And they even take off most of my eye makeup. No irritation, no rinsing.
Then when I wake up in the morning, my skin feels great. If you can believe it, my skin almost feels better than if I had showered and washed my face. My skin tone looks a bit more evened out, and any acne I currently had seems better. Because of that, I might try switching to a Simple cleanser.

Anyway, these are my new favorite thing, and I had to share. Try them.

19 November 2016

4

Another note to self:

It's time you took a hard look at things and accept the fact that he's changed, and there's nothing you can do to change him back into the man who acts like he loves you.

It's ok to hope that things change, but know that he IS going to keep hurting you, unless he decides to change on his own accord.

It's a hard truth to swallow, but it's the truth.

17 November 2016

Note to self

Hey, self. 2 days before your 4th wedding anniversary, here are a few reminders:

You deserve a man you can trust.
You deserve a man who understands how important it is to make you feel loved.
You deserve a man who is willing to try with you.
You deserve a man who is proud to call you his.
You deserve a man who has his own interests, but also wants to share his life with you.
You deserve a man who gives a fuck that he made you cry.

You do deserve that. Because you are a good woman, and because no matter how much you compromise, on a basic level, you need those things to be happy in a relationship.

11 November 2016

Culprit

Tummy has been unsettled the last few days.

Canker sore says gluten, but I'm wracking my brain trying to figure out from where??

Unsettled tummy and I worked a 10-hour hectic shift today, and work starts at 6am tomorrow, so it's an early bedtime tonight I guess.

05 November 2016

wanderlust, restless

  • Reminded by Suzy's recent adventures in San Diego, I'm craving the grounding that comes from the sound of waves and the smell of salty air.
The heart tugs are strong. My California roots are betraying these southern adaptations. I don't belong in 85-degree November weather! I belong near the ocean, in moderate temperature. In the process of applying for California State Licensure. Just to have on hand... thanks to networking I have job connections in CA now. Just in case?
I'm sure my heartstrings will calm once a cold front comes through. Not that I've been craving change or anything...
At any rate, I'm at least due for a vacation.
  • Wine Fest didn't happen tonight, so I wound up, again, standing in my kitchen trying to figure out how to not hate it.
In reality, I'm going to have to deal with the honey oak cabinets. A massive renovation is not going to happen any time soon. With the right styling I could live with it. Trying to be happy in the now, instead of pining for better days that my never come.
So I repaired some of the broken cabinet doors and drawers, cleaned them up really well, and applied another layer of clearcoat. New knobs to spruce things up a bit.
Also, I think I've finally decided to order a new oven. Home Depot has them on sale and this one has good reviews. Where will I store my cookbooks once the non-functional microwave is gone?? First world problems are abundant over here.
  •  Started a bullet journal. So far, I like it. As a result, my doodling skills have massively improved.

29 October 2016

thoughts on health and diet

The amount of diet/healthy/weight loss advice out there is massive. Advice comes at you from all directions. Pin one healthy article? Get 50 spammy suggestions about which surprising foods are preventing you from losing weight.

I haven't paid much attention to it until recently.
I started by tracking my meals on the My Fitness Pal app. While it was initially helpful, I soon got tired of counting calories. That's not my jam.

Then my friend suggested that I join one of her 21 Day Fix groups, but I could tell right away that I wouldn't follow it. Measuring food in containers? Drinking "shakes?" Nah. I'm about real food and real meals. Not counting and measuring.

Then Dayna told me about the Plate Method. Which I already tried to adapt without realizing it back when I vowed to start eating more vegetables. It seems like the simplest idea for those who aren't excited about getting nit-picky with food but still want some guidance.

Exercise is another story. Apparently there is bad exercise? What? There's this huge market for workout aids. This fit bit is a neat tool to measure steps and activity (hit your 10,000 daily steps or feel bad about yourself), but it's just another piece of the massive health puzzle.

What happened to everything in moderation? Do people not respond to that anymore? Has society evolved to the point where we NEED the numbers and goals and guilt in order to maintain decent health?

Apparently it doesn't work anyway because everyone is still fat and unhealthy.

I think it's time to take a step back from the madness and simply eat an apple if I'm hungry, and take the stairs more.

27 October 2016

randoms

My coworker gave me her fitbit this past weekend. Actually, it turns out, she gave me two fitbits. She upgraded to the newest one and didn't want the old ones. Sweet! So I hooked them up today and I'm only really curious to see how much I walk at work. I'll get to try it out on second shift tomorrow, which might not be -as- busy as first shift, but at least I'll get an idea (along with my $3 shift diff- holla). Anyone want my extra fitbit?

Currently digging the under-sink water filtration system that got installed last night. The snap-on brita always got on my nerves because it reduced already-limited spout-to-drain space in the shallow-ass kitchen sink. And I don't give a crap about having an additional source of filtered water because it comes out of the fridge and I'm convinced that drinking filtered water contributed to my recent cavity surge. However Chris insisted and it is kind of nice to have a faster-flowing source for refilling the keurig reservoir and dog bowl.

Speaking of, no more dentist appointments until next year. Apparently I've used up all my insurance for the year. Also since Valium does jack and shit, I've got a new prescription for Xanax to try out next time.

Noticing a definite difference in how hard it has been to drop these few pounds and tone up. I watched my diet for a couple months and mixed in a bit of exercise, which has always done the trick. Not this time. I suppose metabolism really does change when you start to get older. I've found that I can't even do regular pushups anymore. I'm a bit miffed and surprised. And deliberately trying to limit carbs and cheese, which I've never had to do.


As always recently, got a bunch of uncertainties swimming around in my head. Some have started to calm down, only to be replaced by new ones.

I suppose that's the constant inconsistency in life. Nothing is ever calm and settled all at once. I've been attempting to live in the moment, savor the status quo and accept what each day brings. It's hard to balance that idea and the idea that I deserve to have a completely satisfied life with all my expectations met. Laughable when you think about it, eh? I think the happiest people are the ones who do accept the idea that life's a tumbling mess and you gotta go with it. So that's my focus now.

10 October 2016

Pillow power, fall edition


I was feeling new pillows today. Fall tones. I spent a mere $12 on the fabric, because 1/2 yard is perfect for the two bigger pillows.

I was pretty thrilled to find a color-coordinating pineapple fabric, because that silly little pillow has become a favorite around here.

Chris literally gave it a pet name and we fight over who gets it while we're watching TV.

I know. It's weird. Pillows are serious business around here.

02 October 2016

Fit.

Oh, it's time to start caring about myself. Taking care of myself. I've been so focused on repairing my emotional health lately that I have repeatedly neglected my physical health. When will I fully grasp the truth that the two are connected?

I even ignored a uti. I went so far as to run my labs, request antibiotics from a doctor at work, filled the rx... and let them sit on the counter. What?

I'm having every tooth in my mouth filled because I neglected my oral health for years. I'm only seeing the gyno so I can get my birth control refilled. I'm a grown-ass adult with insurance that covers preventative care. I need to use it.

I've got a fridge full of veggies, sitting there, starting to wilt. The yoga mat has been unrolled, yet untouched except for the cat, for weeks. I haven't taken a fish oil capsule in about a month. I gleefully skipped the 5k last weekend. I'll ignore a healthy packed lunch if there are nachos in the cafeteria at work. I'll think about exercise but instead I'll have a drink. The list goes on.

I'm getting too old to ignore my body's needs for healthy habits, and my lack of motivation is ridiculous. So here we go.

29 September 2016

randoms

UGH I've got a weird feeling. It's one of those odd gut feelings that can't quite be placed and I don't like it.

Randoms:

After today's fillings, my tooth landscape has changed and it's weird. I keep tonguing it. As far as the dental stuff goes, I'm done with the top right. Moving on to the top left. Valium seems to have zero effect except to make me sleepy enough so that someone needs to take me to the appointment and pick me up. Not convenient for anyone. The anxiety still runs rampant. I suppose it's something that I just need to get used to.

Today's the first day that it feels cooler. And by that I mean 80 degrees instead of 100. It's very pleasant. Of course I just came home after a visit to New York, which was also very pleasant, so it's extra-welcome. I need to go back and explore the city a bit. I only had time for the work things.

Back to having no motivation to work out. The efforts I made for a little while did nothing. Maybe that's why. I'm all about instant gratification, and unfortunately health doesn't work that way. I'd develop new habits to make it easier, but I just don't care! Given the choice, I'd rather drink wine, sleep, clean, go get a pedicure, cook dinner... than work out. I know it's awful. I'm hoping that the cooler weather will inspire me.

My brain is a jumbled mess of everything. Tugging me in all directions. I made some defining choices lately, but I still don't feel any more solid about the direction.
What I wouldn't give for some clarity and some settling of the misty nonsense.

I'm going to see if I can find a book to download.

20 September 2016

a little feels

It's been hard to categorize the feels lately.

A bit sad, a little regretful, yet motivated. 

Sometimes happy, sometimes redeemed. 

Sort of complete, yet sort of incomplete. 

Mostly a mixture of guarded and surprised.

I see changes, all around. Good or bad? Temporary or permanent? I'm not sure.

I still find myself doing more for me, being more selfish. And legitimately giving less fucks about a lot that I used to care about. I can't figure out if that's actually a good thing, but that's what I'm leaning towards.

I also know I've been more tired lately. 
Or maybe I've been this tired all along and I'm just now giving myself permission to BE tired.

P.S. check out this joyful traveling llama. 

18 September 2016

products

A few random products I'm loving lately:
  • Scentsy. I'd gotten a bit tired of the scents I had, so I got a bunch more, plus a new warmer. I simply can't be trusted to remember to blow out candles... and they really help my house not smell like dog.
I am especially excited about the car bars, which are new to me. My car doesn't exactly smell new anymore, and I've been putting those laundry crystals in a mesh bag in an attempt to make it smell fresh. The car bar is sooo much better!

P.S. Chris has the Weathered Leather one in his truck. Very manly.
P.P.S. Yes, the above links are shamelessly pointed to my sister's Scentsy shop. Remember, it's only September, but Christmas is coming...
  • Upgraded household items. 
  • Like the dish drainer. I traded in my old cracked plastic dollar store one for a metal one that is way more aesthetically pleasing. 7 bucks on sale. Not bad.
  • TOWELS. I noticed a few of our hand towels have disappeared (How?), so I wandered down the towel aisle at Target. There was a sale! I usually lean towards bleachable colors, but you know what? You only live once, and you might as well have pretty towels that make you happy.
P.S. It bugs me to no end that these look blue and red in the picture but they are actually mint and coral. That bathroom lighting is still kind of weird.
  • Bed Skirt Pins. These are little spiral nuggets of genius. I have spent years constantly adjusting the wonky bed skirt. These keep the skirt straight and seriously make a huge difference in how tidy the overall room looks. Even with an unmade bed. Plus they're like 3 bucks for 12, which is more than enough to pin down a Queen sized bed skirt.

I think these win the award for weird but cool and "didn't know I needed it until I got it" product of the month.

15 September 2016

mantra


Most of the time I drag myself out of bed in the morning looking forward to potentially taking a nap after work. Then I slightly-cranky schlup my way through the morning until the coffee cup is drained and I've had second breakfast. I'm simply not a morning person. Or, since it doesn't matter what time of day I wake up, I suppose I could rephrase that to say I'm not a waking up person.

But, how far will that take me in life? Will I be just as successful if I was more awake the first half of my day? Not to say that I can't autopilot the shit out of mornings and seriously kick some ass half-awake if I need to. I can turn off the cranky and step up the charm in a second, no matter how bleary I am. I suppose that's one of my strengths. Except I can't exactly put that on my resume along with my organizational and training skills.

Is it time to be an actual adult and start actually waking up before arriving to work?
Huh? Maybe?

I updated my resume. Not because I'm unhappy with my job. Quite the contrary; I love my job. Even in my polished half-awake state.
But I'm at the point where I'm comfortable and a bit complacent and I'm not challenged.
And when I look forward I see that the only steps to take are ones that I'm not exactly thrilled about. Do I really want to be a lab manager one day? Sounds so boring.

I updated my resume because there might be an opportunity arriving soon. The kind of opportunity where my name came up when these folks were looking for a person to fill the position. An opportunity that wasn't even on my radar. An opportunity that I'd be an idiot not to check it out, even if I don't particularly feel qualified and it's a bit of a stretch and I don't even know if I'd like it.

But what if? What if it's the next step and it turns out that it's the challenge that I need? And what if it opens even more doors? What if I hate it? Oh well, you live and learn and try not to burn bridges.

You miss 100% of the chances that you don't take.

I mean, I have to get out of bed anyway. Might as well put that lipstick on and rock it.

12 September 2016

Melting heart


Shoutout to the Aunties who squeal at snapchats.

08 September 2016

I just want to have teeth when I'm old

I had a dentist appointment today.
Nothing hurts, but I figured since I opted to get dental coverage this year, I might as well use it.

My last appointment 4 years ago yielded only 3 cavities after 6 years of neglect, and I had everything taken care of. Since then I've been brushing and flossing well, so I had no specific worries. That didn't stop me from being nervous about the xrays and cleaning. My blood pressure was even high when the tech took it, but I really thought, worst case, maybe a few of the older fillings might have to be replaced.

Oh, wow. I was horribly, horribly wrong.

After the very first x-ray, the tech asked if I drank a lot of soda. Um, no. Then she asked if I flossed. Yes, I floss. Especially since 4 years ago when I was scolded by the dentist, who mentioned that one of my cavities could have been prevented if I had just flossed. So now I floss. Like every night. And randomly throughout the day. I keep it in my car so if I'm stuck at a train or something, I floss.

What prompted her questions? Cavities. A shitload of them. Almost every single tooth.
Many forming between the teeth. You know, WHERE I FLOSS.

Shocked, I asked her to show me on the x-ray. In addition, she pointed out two more cavities so deep that she was surprised I didn't have any pain. The dentist confirmed they would require root canals and crowns.

Excuse me? Root canals? I brush! I floss! What the hell!

It turns out, those really couldn't be helped. One formed under an old filling that got loose and... one of the root canals is from a filling I got 4 years ago. They didn't get it all and it continued to rot my tooth underneath the filling. SERIOUSLY. Really.

I was floored. And terrified. And overwhelmed. The panic started to rise.

It's not even about the money; I can take that out of savings. It's about the procedures themselves. My blood pressure jumps up 20 points for a simple cleaning, and the last fillings were so bad I could barely stand it. And there were only 3 of them. I have to go back HOW many more times, for HOW many more fillings??  I can't handle it. I held back tears.

I'm so disappointed. I've been taking such good care of my teeth! How did things even get so bad? I don't even have much of a sweet tooth anymore. The hygienist even said my teeth weren't very dirty and I do a great job brushing and flossing.

I can think of two things:
1. Wine. That stuff can be pretty sugary, and I wasn't always great about brushing after getting drunk.
2. Gum. I don't chew gum as much anymore since my teeth got sensitive. I used to chew sugarless gum constantly, which they say washes away all the cavity-causing junk.

I'm starting to think that I just have bad teeth.

Trying to remain calm, I asked the dentist about sedation. Fine, I thought. Knock me completely out and get everything done at once. She said that it would cost an extra $1000+ and she doesn't offer it at her facility, so she suggested that I try Valium first.

Valium? Valium doesn't render me unconscious with no memory of the procedure! This is psyche-scarring shit! Clearly!

I held it together and waited until I got in my car to start panicking and crying and calling mom, who made me feel a lot better.

I got home and did a little research. It is pretty uncommon to get IV anesthesia at a regular dentist, and the cost is up there since it's not considered necessary by the insurance company.

So, it looks like I'll be trying Valium. The whole thing will be done in several smallish appointments. I'm scheduled to get the top right side done on Tuesday, and it's 4 cavities. No root canals on that section. Since the 3 cavities last time was definitely crossing the line, I wonder if the 4 cavities will be doable with the help of Prince Valium.

God, help me.

07 September 2016

read on

I have a coworker who was recently diagnosed with stomach cancer. Stage four. It originally presented itself as a lump on her neck. It had metastasized.
Life's a funny thing. Cancer's a bitch of a funny thing.

This woman has worked for our hospital for decades. I've worked here for merely a year.
But she's my friend. I love her spunky attitude and her dry humor. She's not everyone's cup of tea, but she's mine.

We would eat lunch together. We talked books and exercise (she loves tennis and running) and family and religion. We talked food and love and workplace drama and volunteering at the state park.

I knew when she had the biopsy done. Our pathologist diagnosed it. I ran her bloodwork. I saw the results. I knew the outcome. I saw the numbers.
Those numbers. I felt her tears when she saw the numbers. We googled things. She had a PET scan at MD Anderson. Our local community hospital doesn't have that technology. She's having chemo done at our hospital. Every Thursday.

At the beginning of her treatment, she still came to work. I sat with her in the break room and distracted her so that she could eat a container of yogurt without vomiting. I made her laugh. I listened to her. I asked her questions.

I don't see her in the break room anymore. Instead I saw her name on the ER board one day. I crossmatched her units of blood. I continuously run her labs. I say a little prayer when I call her criticals to her nurses.

Every once in a while I get a few minutes on a Thursday afternoon to go upstairs and sit with her during chemo. She's doing better. Her eyes water constantly, a side effect of the treatment. Her tears are milky and leave a residue around her eyes. We make jokes about her white blood cell counts.

We still talk about books and how she can't enjoy a margarita anymore and the increased time she gets to spend with her granddaughter, and how she tries to volunteer again. Short spurts are better.

She's a beast. An inspiration. She's a strong bitch. I might have given up if I was her. But she keeps on keepin' on.

She's got a ton of time to read lately, and she's been passing her finished books to me. I'll come in to work and find a book on my desk. Literary presents.
I'll read them. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. Then I pay them forward. Mom's got one right now. The next one will go to the pathology secretary at work.

I sat with her at another coworker's retirement party last week. She ate two bites of lasagna. Her toenails were painted teal. She looked fabulous and tired.

I do miss my friend.

06 September 2016

it's okay

I came home ok today.

Then I saw the congealed yogurt bowl in the sink, next to a rank few-days-old protein shake, and I got crabby. I tried unsuccessfully to fight it. It was a long day, I'm tired, plus I'm about to start my period so cranky is the default setting.

Hubs suggested that I have a glass of wine. Good move, but not exactly the best. The best move would have been to not let me come home to festering things in the kitchen. How hard is it to rinse a bowl and NOT let things get moldy in your bag??? I fear this is a particular battle I will never win. It's a horrible concession that I will never stop fighting. The unsanitary humanity!! Who lives like that??

(In the meantime, I am thankful that he will usually honor my requests to clean up the funk himself, and thank God for bleach.)

I assumed my cranky position on the far end of the (newly washed*) couch, scrubs and bra and panties shed in favor of cotton shorts and a tank top with a shelf bra. Then hubs mentioned dinner.
Ugh. I had planned to make sweet potato chili. While the temperature has mercifully declined to a mere 95 degrees outside, it's still too hot for chili. My pumpkin-spice fever got ahead of me a bit when I made the menu and planned to make chili.

Standing in the sweltery kitchen above a boiling pot of spicy soup? No, man. Bra or no bra, undies or no undies. I prepared my inner diva for the task, because... we have to eat.

Then, simply enough, hubs swooped in and saved the day. It started with a suggestion to eat sushi for dinner. We usually order take out, but every damn time they get our order wrong.

I attempted the usual suggestion to eat at the restaurant. I love going out and sitting at the bar and enjoying a nice meal, but he prefers the couch to a crowded restaurant. I get it, but a change of scenery is so nice sometimes. To my surprise, after minimal coaxing, he agreed to go out.

I jumped up, put my bra back on, and donned my newest dress** which made me feel put-together and cute in an instant.

A short drive later, we enjoyed a fresh, quick, air-conditioned meal and a few drinks at the local sushi place. Early dining ensures that it's just us and a few old folks, which I am perfectly ok with since I normally come home hungry anyway.

My diet app didn't love the fact that I poured myself another glass of wine and enjoyed a small piece of chocolate after dinner, but that's life. There's not much to do about pre-period hunger, and at least I stayed right at my saturated fat goal.

Plus, I'm in a MUCH better mood.

*That's a coffee-everywhere story. Let's just say that the couch cushions have washable-ish zippered covers and that's a good thing! 

**Except the opposite color scheme: White with black pattern.

28 August 2016

On Stuff

Lately, I've noticed a shift in my decluttering/ shopping attitude.

If it doesn't spark joy or it's not functional, it either gets tossed into the donate box or I don't bring it home.

Sound familiar? No, I didn't read that entire KonMari book, and I sure as hell haven't started folding my underwear, but I have seen enough of it that I was able to take away those most important ideas.

The objects we keep in our homes should be special; not just a bunch of crap crammed into rooms. Instead of a mad dash to clean things out, it's been a slow, organic process. I handle things as I notice them.

So when I took inventory a few months ago and noted that there are several half-sets of stained and warped dollar-store measuring spoons and cups in the drawer, I kept my eyes open for a nice set.

I eventually found a lovely stainless steel set. The oblong spoons are important to me because they fit into spice containers better than the round ones. Right next to them I found stainless steel measuring cups.


That's it. One set each. After having multiples of each size, I was afraid I'd miss having the extra spoons around.

Guess what? I don't. All I need is one gorgeous set. They make me happy every time I use them and it's easier to close the drawer now. Gorgeous AND functional. I'd say that's $20 well-spent.

I think the biggest attitude shift is that I'm waiting until I find the right thing that sparks joy, instead of grabbing the first thing that I see that technically fulfills the purpose. It took me how long to find a new set of measuring spoons? 6 months? I could have ran to Target and grabbed the first set I saw. But the ones at Target are round and I wanted oblong ones. It sounds silly, but the first time I went to measure a spice, I would have been frustrated that the spoon didn't fit inside the jar.

Another big shift in practice is that I've started to upgrade. One nicer item will replace a variety of lesser quality items. If it's old and worn out, or it doesn't meet my needs, it gets replaced with a quality version. I'm not afraid to spend a few extra bucks anymore. It really makes a difference.

One quality coffee mug replaced 5 mugs that were cute but didn't keep coffee hot long enough.
One quality lunch bag replaced 6 (six!) bags that were too small and didn't insulate well enough.

I don't miss the old ones at all because they didn't do what I needed them to do. The initial investment is always paid off in the long run.

I've actually decreased my spending because I'm not bringing home a bunch of random impulse items. Most items are thought out. They either replace something that gets donated, or I buy it with a specific purpose in mind. Since I'm in no hurry, if I see something I like I can usually wait for a sale before buying it.

It's a stark contrast to my historic shopping habits. Maybe I'm getting older and wiser? Or maybe my house is just filling up and there's not room for random things!

27 August 2016

My Fitness Pal

Can we talk about how perfect this picture is? I love everything about it. There's even salami on the snack plate and cracker crumbs in the bed. This artist gets me.



Related:

Realistically, it's probably only about an extra 5 pounds that's making all of my clothes uncomfortably tight. But it feels like so much more. Maybe because it's summer and it's hot and extra weight gets extra sweaty.

Since I've been consciously trying to make my clothes more comfortable, AND trying to lower my cholesterol for a few weeks now with no results, I decided to download an app that my coworker was talking about. My Fitness Pal.

First impressions:

User friendly. You basically enter all your info and it calculates how many calories you should be consuming to reach your goal. Then you enter what you eat, how much water you drink, and how much you exercise. It helps you keep track of things throughout the day and warns you when you're getting too close to a limit.



Cool features:

You enter what you eat several different ways:
  • You can do a search to see if it pulls up. For example, strawberries. 
  • You can scan the barcode on the package of what you're eating and it automatically uploads the nutrition info.
  • There is a recipe tab where you can enter ingredients and calculate the nutritional information. It's a bit time consuming, but necessary since I cook a lot of my own meals.
It breaks your meals down into calories, but the cool part is it also tells you if you exceed daily recommended amounts of fat, sugars, etc. For instance, today I went WAY over on cholesterol and fats, and didn't get enough of calcium or iron. I was so surprised once I saw it broken down. This is important stuff! I figured if I ate enough vegetables I'd be healthy. Wrong.


I'm pretty impressed. With help from this app, now I can identify where I need to make some changes, and also be more aware of what I'm putting into my body. I've already learned a few things.

See? I never knew how many calories were in wine. Which is why I measured mine tonight. FYI 1/2 c. of this particular Malbec is 80 calories. How do I know? I scanned the barcode on the bottle. 
Cheers!

dishes

I'm so excited.
I got new dishes!

After years of intentionally mismatched dishes, I've finally decided that I dislike the mismatched and I'm ready for a set.

Since January I've been keeping my eyes open for something that makes my heart sing, but so far nothing. Then last week my coworkers told me there was a Corelle, Corningware, and Pyrex outlet store nearby.

So I swung by today. Ok, I didn't swing by. I made a special trip just to check out the store. And I spent an annoying amount of time browsing the different sets before I decided that the pattern I loved was this one:

Corelle, True Blue.
Cue heart singing.


They're beautiful, different, but also coordinated. And durable. I dropped one in the store (on accident) without any cracking or chipping. Nice, slow clap for these dishes.

The bummer? The pattern has been discontinued. WOMP WOMP. So instead of a boxed set I had to purchase individual pieces at a deep discount. I initially picked out a 6-piece set, then made it an 8-piece set because... why not? Since I'd been eying the teal coffee mugs that didn't come with this set, I mixed and matched. Perfect.

Once I got them home and cleared out my cabinets, my heart singing dropped a few notes. Because that turdy brown color on the inside wall of the cabinets is so damn ugly. I felt a little sad that I had to put my pretty new dishes in the turdy cabinet.


Then, a thought occurred.

I have paint. I have plenty of paint. I have so much darn paint. All those little 8 oz test pots that I always buy to paint a swatch before picking a color are sitting in the laundry room.

Speaking of, remember the laundry room? Former reject paint color Aqua Seawind finally got its moment. It took about 30 minutes to slap a fresh coat of paint over the turdy shade.


And it's so pretty. But, to be truthful, any color is an upgrade from Extra Turd Brown.

Now the cabinets are ready to be filled with my beautiful new dishes. Cue heart singing again.


Hey, bowls.

Looking good, plates.

24 August 2016

Delaware

A quick little bit from the trip this week:


I'm now an Advanced Operator and I got a year's worth of CE credits. Ballerrrr.


Overall, SUPER FUN. It's great getting paid to travel.
The training was really entertaining and valuable and I got to do a ton of networking.
Going to do it all over again in a few weeks and I'm looking forward to it!

P.S. TSA Pre-check is the best thing ever. I was randomly selected for it. I guess you can also pay for it? If I traveled a lot it would absolutely be worth it.

20 August 2016

interesting motivation

Well. It turns out all the motivation I need to start eating healthier and exercising is a little bit of catastrophe.

Since the incident at the bar the other night, I don't want to drink. I've tried to enjoy a few glasses of wine after work, but it doesn't sit right. I never make it through a glass and, oddly, I don't like the way I feel.

Maybe I've developed a psychological association of alcohol with unwanted drugs.

Whatever the case, I don't want to drink. And the benefits might be two-fold.

1. Less alcohol consumption = less calories = less drunken snacking. I might be able to drop a few of these lbs around the middle that have made my pants uncomfortable.

2. Without a buzz, I've gotten quite bored. Hence new projects.
I've also got renewed motivation to work out. The other day it was rainy, and therefore cool (re: 85 degrees), so I went for a run. After 30 minutes I was done. It's another start, and every little bit counts.

16 August 2016

bedtime

Rainy day off and I'm feeling creative.

There's a project brewing in the back of my mind lately. While I'm not ready to commit to redoing the kitchen, I think it's time to spruce up the bedroom.

The space is so large and awkward that we painted it beige, plopped the furniture in, hung up a couple things, and left it at that. Now it feels stale and I'm ready for a change. I wish I could get a designer in here to really transform the space. I feel like I'm not equipped to take full advantage of it.

Overall I'm leaning towards fresh and bright combined with a spa or hotel like feel. Rather than get a bunch of mass-produced decor, I want to be a bit more selective and creative. Only get things that I really love.

I've got two main challenges.

First challenge: The bed. I'm not paying for a headboard until we are ready to buy a new king-sized mattress. My eyes have been open for a suitable "headboard hack" for years now, but so far I've got nothing. It's time to work around it.

Ideas:
  • I love this idea of one long massive shelf to visually divide the space. Not that I love the idea of placing a bunch of dust-catching nicknacks on said shelf... I'd probably do one large-scale thing on top.


  • As much as I think accent walls are meh, I do like the idea of a stencil or pattern. Combined with a funky piece of art, it might do the trick.

I might want to paint or make something to put above the bed. I even looked at Pinot's Palette and Painting with a Twist, but the only painting that I really liked is on a night that I can't go.

Second challenge: The large space on the other side of the bedroom. I really want the space to be used, and the space should flow instead of seem divided.

Ideas: (or lack of them)
  • The most common suggestion is a sitting area. I loathe sitting areas. They're so cliche and I'd never use it. I've got a living room for that. (Unless I got a fainting couch. Then I could find excuses to be dramatic). 
The ideas have constantly flowed, but none of them I love:
  • A vanity/dressing area? But... There's a vanity in the bathroom and a whole closet right next to it.
  • A yoga/workout space? Potentially a good idea, the one I'm leaning towards most, but I don't want it to look junky and cluttery like most workout areas tend to look. And let's get real; I hardly work out.
  • A cat palace. I laugh at this, but there's already a little area where the kitty toys and scratching pad hang out. But alas, I'm simply not one of those people.
The problem is that the rest of the house provides all the spaces I need, so I don't really need the space to be anything. Maybe I'll put a sex swing in that area and call it a day, haha.

Suggestions are welcome.

12 August 2016

roofied?

The last thing I remember from last night is being buzzed in the bar, playing Jenga with Ash and some random people we met there.

It wasn't until I woke up at 430am in Ashley's guest bedroom shaking, then somehow drove home and had slept on the couch for a few hours, that I was aware that something was not quite right.

I tried to wake up on the couch this morning as Chris got up for work, but  couldn't function.

I wasn't drunk. It felt different than that. More like... drugged. Confused, dizzy, nauseated, no memory of the night, my right hand was completely numb, I had a massive headache, and after a while I realized that at some point, I had actually peed on myself.

I called my sister to see if something had happened, and she said that I seemed really drunk and had actually fallen down as we were leaving the bar. Knowing that it's not characteristic of me to get that drunk, not remembering anything, combined with the strange drugged feeling, I considered going to the ER, suspecting that I'd been slipped something at the bar.

However I couldn't move without great difficulty and couldn't motivate myself to go. So I didn't go to the ER and instead opted to sleep it off.

Several hours later, after several attempts to get up and drink some water, only to fail and fall back asleep, my head began to clear a bit and I talked to my sister again.
She said that I just got really drunk and we had fun. She even snapped a video. Feeling unnerved because I don't remember taking a video OR singing Sweet Caroline, I watched it. Judging from how I felt this morning, I imagined that I would look pretty wasted in the video. Not the case; I looked like I was having a great time. I was standing and dancing with the group and singing without slurring or anything. It looked like a normal fun night out. Nothing extreme. I definitely looked like I should be able to remember the night.

Except I have absolutely no recollection of doing any of it. Do you know how odd it is to see a video of yourself doing something that you don't remember doing? I don't remember it. I don't remember the rest of the night after Jenga. It just cuts off. I don't remember talking to people. I don't remember singing. I don't remember the Uber ride or getting into bed at Ashley's house. I did these things but I have zero recollection of them. There aren't even little blips of memory. There's absolutely nothing.
Do you know how scary that is?

I did consider the idea that maybe I just did get really drunk.

But I don't get super black-out drunk. Like ever. Not at the Christmas party, not in college, not recently. Never.
I value my clarity of mind. I ALWAYS regulate myself and back off if I start to cross a line and get too drunk, especially if I'm in public. I wouldn't get fall-down drunk by accident; I would have had to make a conscious decision to do that, and frankly I don't think I did. Even on my heaviest drinking days, I have never even come close to that level.

This whole thing is extra bizarre because in my last memory, I wasn't drunk. I had only a light buzz that I had planned to maintain. Then I woke up a few hours later utterly annihilated and wearing pee pants? It doesn't add up.

I can't remember the night's events so I can't be 100%, but logically, I don't think that I just got too drunk. My intuition and the distinctive way I felt this morning tells me it was something else.

It tells me I got drugged at a bar.
Which is shocking and humiliating and unnerving and makes me feel violated. I'm not sure of any possible motive. But I am sure that it happened.

It happened even though I always make sure I keep an eye on my drink, never leave it unattended. It happened with my sister sitting right next to me. Thank GOD I was there with her and not simply meeting up with a friend who may have unknowingly left me drugged in a bar.

I did a bit of research on roofies, and like most google searches, feel like my experience was consistent. I thought this was interesting and terrifying.


In my research I found out that roofies still happen a lot more often than you'd think. I thought the practice had kind of faded out. Why is this even a thing?? Who enjoys incapacitating people?

Meeting strangers in bars is fun and all, but you can be damn sure I'll be drinking even lighter in bars, and watching my drink like a hawk from now on.

08 August 2016

Coin toss


 ...on a much kick assier note, this weekend I was in Bed Bath and Beyond with mom and some lady thought I was buying stuff to go to COLLEGE.

Yep, most days I don't get carded for booze and some days I get mistaken for a college student.

*flips hair* Thanks, random lady.

07 August 2016

mirror, mirror

You know what my most recent favorite purchase is?

This little mirror.


I've always wanted a little mirror on the way out, near the door, so that I can easily apply lipstick, tuck a bobby pin in my hair, make sure I don't look crazy, etc before I leave the house.

This one was on sale and has fulfilled all my expectations. My mornings are that much smoother because I'm not backtracking.

Sometimes the littlest things can make a big difference.

06 August 2016

lose-lose

So that plant with the bird's nest in it.

It occurred to me late one night as I was laying in bed, thinking about the random things that we do when we're falling asleep, that once the baby birds learn how to fly they might not make it past the dog. I told myself that I'd move the plant to a different spot, perhaps the front yard. Give them a fighting chance.

The very next evening I walked outside to find three little feathery bodies on the porch, slightly mauled. I was too late!

At first, I was pissed. Then, I really couldn't blame the dog. She's a DOG. And to her, the flailing baby birds were something to play with. It's mother nature's way sometimes.

So with a sad sigh, I gathered the dead baby birds in the shovel and tossed them over the fence. Sorry, birds. Then, with another sad sigh, I looked at my once pretty plant, now withered and dead.

No plant, no birds.

What a shitty situation.

04 August 2016

Setback

Icing my knee. For the second time this week. No, I have not worked out.

I think being on my feet and moving all day has started to affect my knee as if I've been exercising. I wore the compression sleeve thingy for a bit at work, but it got on my nerves.

How am I supposed to train for this 5k if I can't train?? How am I supposed to be fit and healthy if my knee is cranky all the time?

*Noms alfredo*


01 August 2016

quick workout videos rock

Duuude.

I've started doing quick 5-10 minute workout videos, because my knee has been bothering me when I run but I still need to get in shape, and the longer videos bore me. I usually do a few videos in succession (arms, abs, etc) and wind up with a quick full-body exercise.

I did this 5-minute booty video yesterday. Not too bad. Pretty medium level, not some crazy kill you in 5 minutes video. Followed up with a core video that automatically came up after it. I think I was active for about 15-20 minutes, and that's a stretch.

All was grand, except for when I went to climb out of bed this morning.

Ohh Gawwwd. My ass and my thighs are screaming. I hobbled around the lab all day, cringing every time I had to sit down. The sneaky booty video really works! Apparently I need to do it more often, because one, I repeat: ONE time was enough to halfway cripple me. My booty muscles apparently need more attention.

Try it and get back with me the next day lol.

P.S. Cute.
https://www.scribbler.com/new-arrivals/real-unicorns

31 July 2016

crappy garden

This year was a crappy year for a garden.

With the flooding early on and the lack of rain afterwards, even if I had gotten a good, planned, early start I think I would have been screwed. And probably much more disappointed.

Most of the plants I got a few weeks ago are still living. Some are pretty meh-looking. After figuring out that the dog could still reach the edible flowers, even after putting them on the cart, I moved them to the front yard.


Surprisingly, some sage I nearly killed last year is looking a lot better. And I planted some tumeric roots my coworker gave me after forgetting about them in a plastic bag for 6 months. They're doing fantastic.

These guys are hanging on, and the aloe is doing wonderfully. He's a transplant baby from mom's house, who was originally a transplant from Missy's mom's house. Gotta love hardy aloe. I'm still not sure if those "ornamental" peppers are edible, but really, are any peppers not??


One plant, for sure, will end up dying.

Because every time I went to water it, a bird would fly out and scare the hell out of me. Then a few days later, I heard cheeping.

When I took a peek, sure enough. There was a nest with three little birds whose beaks were open for food.


There's no way to water it without drenching the nest, and I'm certainly not going to drown little baby birds, so it will have to die. Or hang in there until the birds are old enough to fly away. Man, it had such pretty purple flowers, too.

I moved the roses to the flower beds, because I'd eventually like to see them planted. I'll see how they do in that spot in pots before transplanting them. The dog leaves those alone because of the thorns. Ha!

27 July 2016

Kitty's day off

A few shots from my day off:

Kitty literally hangs around every second. Especially during naps.

Coffee

Lounging around reading magazines


Working out


Nap time


Second nap time


26 July 2016

State of the marriage, veterans.

Although my psyche is MUCH better, I'm still at a place where I'm torn between preparing myself to be single and wanting to make my marriage work. I feel so strange talking frankly about potential divorce like it's no big deal. When a few months ago my ideals would have told me that the D-word was unthinkable.

It's so true; that which does not kill you makes you stronger. And I've learned that my "steadfast" ideals can change depending on the circumstances. The raw, painful part of this process is over. It's still devastating but at least now I can stand on my own two feet without crumpling.

The hurt inflicted upon me is not easy to understand, forgive, or forget. But I've dealt with it in my own way, and come to my own terms about things. I've learned a lot about myself. Hindsight is 20/20. The current trust factor is negligent.

All that being said, I can't imagine it getting any worse than it was. Of course there will be rough days, no matter which side of the coin toss I/we decide to follow.

Even if we decide to divorce, I can see myself using the opportunity to get happier. I see myself embracing my independence rather than wallowing in my hurt. That brings me strength to carry on. The fact that I don't need him ironically makes me want to work on my marriage.

To my surprise, with everything stripped down to the bare essentials of our relationship, I'm able to see past the dog and the dishes in the sink and the everyday annoyances that used to be a really big deal. Now I can see the things that really matter, the things that just might be enough to keep us together.

To my shock, the fucked-up-veteran factor keeps pushing up in our conversations. The idea that it might not even be about me is baffling. I'm simply a bystander dealing with the consequences of the fucked-up-ness that keeps pouring out of him? Grain of salt, taken.

It's even more baffling that there are hardly any resources or societal understanding to even begin to address this issue. It's heartbreaking to hear about the suicide statistics, and even more heartbreaking to see it in action. This statistic is real. This summer, several of my husband's close veteran friends have committed suicide. I don't know how to address this. Perhaps it's not in my power to. But who, then? Hello, confusion, helplessness.

Ever ironically, perhaps with the above mentioned ideas in the back of my head, I've found myself really enjoying spending time with him. If our marriage is going to end, I might as well enjoy it while it lasts. Soak up every bit of him that I can before I no longer get to enjoy the man that I call my husband.

Because I'm not going to remain a punching bag. I'm simply not built for that. Statistics or no statistics, I can't continue to be dragged down.

This marriage is about both of us.
Not just him.
Not just me.
Both of us.

And yes, one of us can dominate the problem factor for a while, but it's supposed to ebb and flow-- not careen into a direction where neither of us benefits.

My marriage was sacred to me, and still is. We can endure the toughest of problems. All other problems are understandable, but at the end of the day if our marriage is not sacred to him, then I'll take my sacred marriage ideals elsewhere. I have no qualms with that.

stormy

I woke up at 4 o'clock this morning to a raging storm. Thunder, lightning, wind, rain, the works.

I always get a bit of anxiety during nighttime thunderstorms, because my brain automatically thinks of a tree limb slamming through the roof, or other catastrophic damage. Usually I can settle myself down and go back to sleep.

But then I remembered that the dog would probably be scared and might pee in her cage, which I'd have to clean up in the morning, making me late for work. And the dog food I left out would be soggy and would need changing. Also the roads might be a bit flooded, so I should plan for that.

Never mind that the dog is pretty chill during storms, and the roads have only flooded during major back-to-back downpours.

The thing that kept me up was remembering that the sprinkler system was programmed to be watering at 4am on a Tuesday. While it was raining. I tried to shrug it off and go back to sleep, but all I could think about was that the damn sprinklers were going full blast during a rainstorm.

So I got up, turned off the alarm, put on my rain boots, and tromped to the garage to turn off the sprinkler system. Checked on the dog, who was sleeping right through it, and went back to bed.

Those early morning antics, combined with the fact that it was a "Tuesday after a working weekend" made today especially draggy. It was one of those days where at 330pm I had to give my boss puppy dog eyes and say, "I haven't eaten lunch yet!" And it was one of those days where a big hurty zit appeared on my face. But that's ok. I made it. I get to sleep in tomorrow.

Tonight I'm finishing off that bottle of wine. Wine is good for your heart, dammit. I've got crock pot freezer dump soup already ready for dinner, and it actually smells pretty good.

25 July 2016

the after work stuff

It's one of those days where I got absolutely soaked on my way out to my car from work. Because I opted out of rock star parking in favor of a spot at the back of the parking lot under a tree. Shade trumps distance when it's over 100 degrees outside.

I don't mind the rain, because now it's like 80 degrees and the AC can stop running nonstop for a minute. Plus my car was getting pretty gnarly from parking under trees and the rain gave it a nice rinse. Plus I love the way the world looks after a nice rain.

I'm tired. The Monday after a working weekend is always sucky. The Tuesday after a working weekend is just one big countdown to the next day off, which happens to be Wednesday this time. I must need new shoes because my feet and back have started hurting after a normal day. Which only magnifies fatigue.

So anyway I got home and cleaned the floors- like a crazy person. Because rain does not mean clean the floors. They are just going to get dirty again, especially when the dog comes traipsing in. But I can't help it because they are so gross. The floors can be clean and I'll take the few minutes of happiness.

I snacked on leftover tuna salad and cucumbers while I cleaned out the freezer and made this- to stir half into cheesy grits, and half into a crock pot soup.


Second breakfast is going to rock tomorrow.

This "not drinking and trying to eat better" thing is boring. And yes I know I said I'd cut back on dairy and then I made cheesy grits, but I'm not a masochist. I can't cut it all out, and I didn't add any butter like I normally would. I can do without butter, but don't take my cheese.

Also there's half a bottle of wine sitting in my fridge right now, not being drank. I might just finish it off so it doesn't go bad.

And then go forward with this nonsense.

22 July 2016

on health and all that jazz

On an alcohol suspension. Because it's probably good for me.

I had my blood drawn at work for a reference range study, and decided to run my cholesterol. Dammit. It's the highest it's ever been. I'm attributing that to my recent frat boy lifestyle... but at the same time I'm a bit worried. I didn't go that overboard.
There's no WAY in HELL I'm taking drugs. So I'm cutting back on the only real source of dietary cholesterol; dairy products. Cheese, butter, I'll miss you. Hello fish oil. Ugh. If it doesn't work, I'm going back to enjoying my cheese and butter. And I'll probably see a doctor.

This morning I researched power companies. Super fun. Fiscal responsibility, man. Powertochoose.org is actually a pretty cool resource.

Went to Costco with mom and Frank, and it was actually pretty fun.

Renewed my ASCP certification. 36 hours and 95 bucks, man. But it's good for another 3 years!

Health, check.
Household obligations, check.
Career necessities, check.

I'm done adulting for the day, time to lay in bed!


20 July 2016

crumbly tumbly

Sometimes you have to listen to your body.

I had soup and sandwiches and yoga planned for tonight, but I simply didn't feel up to any of it. I've been exhausted and drained and just plain not feeling good.

My stomach has been a bit cranky lately. Which is scary because it was so good for so long and I'm scared things are going to return to the way they used to be. I was feeling really good there for a while. I hope I can get things back to that.

The littlest things can make a big difference. For instance, lately I've been eating granola for breakfast at work because it was on sale at the grocery store and it's easy to pull out of my locker. Even though every morning I've really been wanting an egg. And you know what? I don't feel great afterwards. It's like I'm giving my body the wrong nutrients.

I think it's time to reset. I went from eating and drinking like a frat boy to cramming salads down my throat. And my body's been like, whoa. Neither of those things has been very calming for the cranky tummy. Even salads can be too much roughage, especially after a greasy booze bender. 

It's tough to find a balance when things aren't very calm to begin with.

I took a moment to listen to my body. To figure out what to eat to make me feel good. And tonight, I had some watermelon, white rice, and scrambled eggs for dinner. With a few cherry tomatoes and a bit of shredded spinach in the eggs because although I didn't particularly want veggies, I don't feel right cutting them out altogether. And I drank lots of water. Refreshing, soothing, gentle. Easy on the ole digestive tract.

It might seem like an odd combination, but it feels like that was the right meal to eat. My body felt better afterwards. Certainly not back on track, but better than if I had scarfed down a bunch of chips and washed it down with wine. Or even eaten a big salad. 

I'm really hoping to level things out with... myself. It's really not fun feeling like this again.

16 July 2016

Saturday, man.

I spent ALL DAY lazing about on the couch in my underwear. Yes, that's right. I spent the entire day pants-less. It was glorious. Just how a Saturday should be.

I had to call happy hour short last night after I developed a massive headache. Slept well, and woke up to the kind of day where I didn't feel like doing much, needed a rest and I did just that.

After a leisurely breakfast of waffles, bacon, and eggs, I mostly read my book and napped. For the record, I was not impressed by The 5th Wave. I'm pretty over post-apocalyptic themes, and it wasn't original enough to make me read the next 2 books. It was a free library rental, so I'm not too bummed. Suggestions are welcomed.

I joined the gym at work late last week, and I've gone twice. Simply to run/walk on the treadmill because it's too damn hot to train outside for that blasted 5k in September. I lost most of the progress I had made earlier in the year, but I'm hoping I'll be able to gain it back fairly quickly.

Anyway, I did get up and make dinner, and did several loads of laundry. So the day was not completely lazy.

10 July 2016

Some quick randoms

  • I'm digging the Biebs lately. BUT. BUT. Watch the music videos! Those dancers stole my little former drill teamer heart. Someone made a good call.
  • Between the dog and this creepily cute caterpillar, which initially scared the hell outta me as I was deadheading:

    tersa sphinx caterpillar
    some of my plants are struggling.

    I snagged a cute cart at Pennywise today during my shopping trip with mama. It has wheels and it keeps some of the more delicious plants out of the dog's reach. Nuff said. The caterpillar was flung into my neighbor's ill-kept jungle of a yard. Happy munching.
  • This is the best toilet cleaner out there. It cleans under the rim of my 1980's toilets like nothing else. Get one.
  • Going to join the gym at work tomorrow. I've even got my gym clothes packed. Finally feeling like being healthy, motivated by sweaty stomach rolls that didn't used to be there. Cheers.
It's Sunday night and I should go to bed. Peace.

09 July 2016

shift

So my hormones are definitely doing something different.

The first clue: My skin.
Which is always an indication of my hormones changing.

Lately, my face has been super clear. Which it hasn't been, ever. I can't even find a blackhead to mess with. Cool, I'll take it.

The rest of my body has had random episodes of what I thought were bug bites- hello houston summer mosquitos- but they have turned into rashes and patches of something that definitely does not resemble a bug bite. Previous creams from the dermatologist don't heal them, so I guess I'll be making another appointment for my next weekday off. It's time to get another skin cancer check, anyway.

Does firmly being in my 30's mean a hormone shift? This is uncharted territory. I hope it's for the good. Especially since my goal is to get off birth control in the next couple of years. Hel-lo tubal ligation. I expect a whole other set of hormonal shifts after getting off birth control. In the past it wasn't really fun, but with these natural shifts, maybe things will all work out.

05 July 2016

beasties.

Last night I made perhaps one of the top 3 best decisions I've ever made in my life.

DISCLAIMER: I'm going to openly talk about uncomfortable medical-type sexual things.

A couple of days ago I started feeling some discomfort in my lady area. My first thought was to go online and buy some revenge crabs because dear old hubs managed to pass on something disgusting.

To confirm my suspicions, I grabbed a sterile swab at work and collected a wet prep specimen in the bathroom. Crouched in the bathroom with my scrubs around my ankles swabbing my hoo-ha was not my finest moment.

I sat down at the microscope, expecting to find something to make my blood boil, but as my search yielded no parasitic flagellates or diplococci, I was surprised to notice a few little budding yeasts.

Son of a bitch, I had a yeast infection. Yuck.

The last time I had one of these was nearly ten years ago when I stopped eating gluten. I had no idea what it was, got tested for every STD under the sun, again tried to blame Chris, and it was a horribly long and uncomfortable process.

I'm not the type of person who regularly gets yeast infections after antibiotics, swimming, hormone changes, etc. So what triggered this one? I'd love to find out and avoid it for the rest of my life.

I have a theory that the Nuva Ring may be a factor, since I take it out during adult fun-time and rarely care where I fling it. I probably set it down in a yucky place and didn't rinse it off well enough before re-insertion. Who knows.

On to treatment. Easy drugstore purchase. The problem with this, besides the obvious, is that the treatment is much worse than the disease. It's messy and I think I'm allergic to the medicine because the discomfort gets much, much worse after I've applied it.

Nevertheless, I took the medicine because I really had no choice, and woke up to intense discomfort a few hours later. Nothing helped. So, in a moment of desperation, I grabbed an ice pack out of the freezer, put it in a plastic bag, and tucked it inside my undies. Again, not my finest moment.

But oh, it worked. Immediately. Calmed the swelling, itching, discomfort, you name it. Crotch ice packs are the best. The relief was so welcome that I am officially dubbing it one of the best decisions I've ever made.

You are welcome for hearing all about my yeast infection. Ugh. Yuck. It grosses me out.

Anyway, I'm feeling a lot better today. Cheers.

29 June 2016

life choices

This morning I was sitting at the dining room table, when I glanced outside and my jaw dropped.

That dog was eating my flowers. Literally chomping off the blooms and swallowing them. I could not believe it, so I watched and sure enough, she ate another one. Like a fucking gourmet dog salad.

I thought I was not watering them enough, or the light was wrong in that spot.
But the problem was that the horrible dog has been snacking on my flowers. I could cry.

I can't plant a garden because she will destroy it. I can't put anything in the flower beds because she will trample them. I can't put flowers up on the porch because apparently she will fucking eat them.

Too bad they aren't poisonous.

I'll try to find a cheap baker's rack or shelves to put them on, out of her chomping reach. I'm so mad.

22 June 2016

surprise?

I went and surprised myself.

After being lost for so long, I'm starting to feel like me again. Except, an improved version.

I feel more collected. More sturdy. Stronger, now that I'm not being beat down from every angle, real or imagined. Now that I'm not second-guessing and over-analyzing everything, except a text message here and there. I've been able to let my guard down and heal a bit. This time away from him has been good for me.

I still don't know what will happen. Right now I'm all about me and I'm loving that. I forget how much I love being independent. Yes, I do get lonely, but it's my choice to stay lonely or go out and seek company. The difference is that this time, I'm not hesitant to go out and seek company.

These past few weeks have been so easy and it would to be extremely difficult to go back. It would be so much easier to let it all go and live my life. It would be so hard to try and fix these problems, to merge our lives again, to swallow pride, to forgive, to let go of the ugly stuff.

I still have not decided if it's worth it-- I don't know if I've been hurt too much and there's no going forward. I don't know if I want to be with someone who makes me feel like I'm not good enough- whether it's intended or not.

IF we can be good, I want it. If it's going to continue to suck, I don't need it. I can't do it.

I still don't know if he has even decided if it's worth it. He may feel like things are better without me. And as much as that stings, it's okay for him to feel that way.

Yes, a big fat giant limbo is still here, but damn I feel so much better about the outcome that I was dreading. I'm not afraid of it. Now, I find that I'm dreading the opposite.

How's that for some irony?


P.S. I got my evaluation at work today and my boss gave me nothing but glowing praise. Even through this hard time, I still manage to rock the workplace party.