31 October 2007

in the mourning

I can see the signs
No wonder I could never keep you satisfied.
-Tantric. Good song.

I am not ready to move on.
I don't want a new car. I'm not excited; I'm forced. I don't like it. The loss of Pedro still hasn't settled yet. I still get that rush of adrenaline and panic when a car gets too close to me on the road.

I sang karaoke tonight [Joan Jett- I love rock n' roll] with the support and backup of 4 guys. Akhtar did a GREAT job singing, I should have grown some balls and jumped up there all by myself.

I didnt have the balls today for a lot of things.

27 October 2007


I googled myself and apparently there's a pervert schoolteacher with my name. How lovely!

I think October deserves a big red X over it this year. It was just a month of me feeling physically crappy. I'm ready to feel better.

Although, despite everything that's been undesirable, I have been upbeat and happy. This was a big month of emotional adjustments.

So maybe it can stay.

25 October 2007

hot cocoa

Scoreee I found 20 bucks on the ground today.

It's cold and I want hot cocoa. At least I think. My stomach has been odd lately.

I'm so glad this week is almost over, though I know this weekend won't offer much relief from everything.

Still, I'm very happy with the general way things are going right now.

23 October 2007

feeling low

I need to be comforted.
Only I can't ask for it without being whiney or clingy.

I am tired.
I am stressed over school and this accident stuff, trying to juggle the two.
I'm distracted by these recent phone calls from certain people, and the lack thereof.
There's only so much brain space.

When it rains, it freaking pours.

22 October 2007

RIP Pedro

Insurance is funner when your mom gets pissed and bitches. Things get done.

Today I got into the doctor, who ordered Xrays on my head and neck because of that "contusion." Got a rental car, went to the junkyard and got all of my stuff out of Pedro. The insurance guy hasn't come to look at it yet, but I doubt it will be salvageable.

-the airbag is pink!-

The crazy thing was, I was driving up to school today for class when I came up to the spot where the accident happened, and my front bumper was still laying there on the shoulder.

Man, I've had a lot of good times in that car. It was my first car! Beach trips, moving in and out of the dorms, San Antonio, Austin, getting lost in downtown, packed full of singing girls, late night fast food runs... SO much more.

How ironic that I had only 8 payments left until it was paid off.

Poor Pedro, I'm going to miss zooming around in you and honking your horn. *beep beep!*

cold fronts and bumps on the head

Cold front!!!

I am wearing LONG sleeves today bitches.

I didn't realize I hit my head until I felt the painful bump when I woke up yesterday. I can't go to the dr. because insurance is giving me the run around. I can't fix my glasses until I figure all that out either.

Insurance is FUNNN. <-- Sarcasm!

21 October 2007

spoke too soon

Tonight I was driving to meet up with Jen and Aileen for sushi, when the car to my right swerved into my lane without looking. I swerved to avoid hitting it, tried to correct my car, but ended up losing control. The last thing I really remember in sequence is seeing sparks fly and almost hitting a semi. Then it was a whirl, a huge bang, some more whirling and more bangs... then stopping. Then, "Oh yeah I should probably brake."

I'm sitting there, coughing and choking on whatever comes out when airbags deploy, shaking, trying to realize that I'm perpendicular on the freeway, blocking two lanes of traffic. I roll down the window to breathe, put the gear in Park with some difficulty, and a gentleman in a truck slows down and asks if I'm okay. I can barely choke out, "I need help."

He runs up, pries the door open and about this time, another car pulls up in front of me and a man gets out, calling 911. Then I turn around to look at my car. The entire front end is smashed, fluids are leaking out and my front bumper is on the shoulder a few feet away next to a very large black mark on the concrete barrier. Cars are slowing down behind Pedro.

Everyone's asking if I'm okay, and I'm freaking amazed that I'm unhurt as far as I can tell. I ask the man what happened and he said I lost control, crossed three lanes of traffic and slammed into the concrete guard, spinning around a couple of times.

At this point I run back to my car and find my phone, everything's a mess. I call my parents and then start to survey the damage. It's surreal. I'm standing in the middle of the freeway looking at pieces of my car scattered about. At some point I realized my glasses were not on my face, so I had to root around and find them. I guess the airbag hit my face and knocked them off... I don't remember. They're bent and scratched.

Tow trucks arrive, the man with the truck leaves, and the other man who called 911 [Ike was his name, bless him for stopping] stayed and about that time I really started to freak out. Things were absorbing. I just walked away from an accident where I plowed into a concrete barrier going 70 miles and hour and I managed not to hit anyone else. He was kind enough to put his arm around me and let me freak out on his shoulder until the paramedics showed up.

When they did, they told me to calm down and said I was hyperventilating and didn't want me passing out. Only then did I realize I was feeling faint. I was NOT going to pass out in the middle of 59, thank you very much. So I started forcing myself to calm down even though inside I was frantic. Every time I looked at my car I couldn't imagine that it had happened.

They directed me into the ambulance and proceeded to take my blood pressure and pulse, asked if anything hurt, poked and prodded a little bit. They made me sign something saying if I felt bad I'd go to the hospital. I had calmed down considerably, and I started to notice the paramedics were pretty dreamy, haha. Also, the inside of an ambulance is fairly unremarkable.

By that time they had Pedro hooked up and I rode in the back of the police car to a gas station, where my dad, uncle and Frank showed up. The look on Frank's face upon seeing my car was... frightening.

I tried to rummage through and take a few things out of my car, and it looked like a bomb went off or something. Stuff was scattered everywhere, the glovebox would not close, the doors were not opening well. My rearview mirror had fallen off and I started searching for the St. Christopher medal that I kept hanging off of it. My dad always insisted that I keep one there for protection. We found it on the floor, bent.

All of the neccessary paperwork was done, and my uncle drove me home.
I walked into my room and with a horrible, sickening thought, realized that I very well could have never returned to that room. I am incredibly lucky to be unhurt. My mom proceeded to squeeze me for the next 45 minutes or so, crying and squeezing me some more.

I have some seatbelt burn on my chest and some bruises on my thighs. My entire right side is sore and so is most everywhere else on my body.

Even now, hours later, I keep remembering the sensation of spinning out of control and the huge bangs, and praying I wouldn't hit anything else. It's terrifying and haunting.

Now I have to deal with the insurance. I wonder what will happen?

16 October 2007

it doesn't take a brain surgeon...

If you've got something to say to me, say it, ask it, whatever. Don't keep it to yourself or blow it off or try to see it resolve itself through silly internet things. Trust me, it will only end badly.

Monday at lunch a friend said something very simple and I've been thinking about that moment ever since.
It's different yet so familiar and inherent.

I feel awesome. No sex, haha, nothing that depends on another person... I'm just happy.



So I've had two hit and runs, and poor Pedro still isn't even paid off yet.

Today I got rear-ended on the freeway driving to school and the fuckhead took off. Wow. My first accident. Not my fault and nothing fell off, I was happy. I was expecting a crumpled mess, but it wasn't that bad. Some scratches and a crooked bumper. The scariest part was sitting on the shoulder feeling the car rock as cars whizzed by. Talk about seasick... I was glad to get off the freeway.

Still, it shook me up a bit. I made it to class in time but it was hard to concentrate kuz it was still sinking in.

It made me feel better that my Dad left as soon as I called my mom and told her I'd been hit, and came to make sure I was ok. I know he lives in fear of one of us getting hurt. I think he even blew off a job. Just one of the "I love you" things he does.

15 October 2007

ahh content

The big picture is changing.
My thoughts: It's never too late.

It's cool and rainy and the perfect type of weather for me. I love LOVE it. This is my favorite time of year, I feel almost giddy.

13 October 2007

waiting for my mask to dry

So in addition to this strange phantom ailment, I've broken out lately. Good thing I have this mask that's supposed to make it better.

Still feel crappy, although the pain has migrated to my eustachian tubes and has settled there for the last couple days. It's very swollen and painful. At least now it's numb-able with sprays and cough drops.

So even though I felt less than great, I met up with M, J, Jen, Akh, T and B for Mexican food. It was pretty fun actually, there was a live band and it was a nice night. The weather is finally cooling down a little bit so it's pleasant to be outdoors. It won't last though!!

Then we trooped over to this 'adult novelty' store and had some fun lookin' at the stuff there.

I want to be a bumblebee for Halloween!

10 October 2007

NOT in my head

Of course.
I went to the doctor... and they could find no reason for the pain. No inflammation, no infection, no fever, nothing.

Prescribe some nasal spray and decongestant and send me on my way. Ugh it still fucking hurts.

09 October 2007


I am in some of the worst pain I've ever been in.
Sunday morning I woke up with a pain localized right behind my nose, where it meets my throat. It felt like congestion and I just ignored it.

Then I kept waking up Sunday night because it was hurting. During the day, I ignored it again. I've had this type of pain before and it usually goes away on its own.

Then last night I took a drowsy decongestant and an inflammatory pill, and I still couldn't sleep.
So today it got to be damn near unbearable. I called my mom and had her make me a doctor's appointment since I'd be in class. And that's saying something; I don't go to the doctor every time I'm sick. Hell, I waited two years before I saw one for my stomach. I'm a big believer in "it will fix itself, we have an immune system for a reason." I would have loved to skip class and sleep but I had a midterm in ochem lab that would be a pain to make up. So I was a trooper and stuck it out.

Oh my gosh there's no relief from this pain. I feel it constantly, but it's much worse when I swallow; it even makes me flinch. I can't numb it, otc pain pills do nothing, same for decongestants. A hot shower won't even relieve it, and hot showers fix everything!!

That and it's spreading to my ear; I keep feeling sharp pains. And the eye on that side is red. I thought I had pink eye it was so red, but I woke up with just redness this morning. The other side is completely fine.

I'm really curious to figure out what is causing me so much discomfort, and I want it to go away NOW. I'll probably just get prescribed antibiotics. I have to wait till 8am tomorrow... ugh.

I want to cry because there's nothing I can do and it hurts so bad, but I'm sure it will only make it worse.
Make it go awayyyy.

06 October 2007

I should probably not share this...

JACOBItheGREAT: this is SO nasty
JACOBItheGREAT: and I have to tell you
JACOBItheGREAT: so i noticed my shower's getting a little mildewey around the edges
JACOBItheGREAT: so I busted out the spray bleach whatever stuff today
JACOBItheGREAT: and I'm spraying away all happy, blasting the black spots
JACOBItheGREAT: and in one corner, the one where the water never really directly hits and the shower curtain never moves
JACOBItheGREAT: it's moving.
JACOBItheGREAT: i kid you not, so freaking nasty. it's a bunch of little wormy things.
JACOBItheGREAT: so I'm like, "AAAHHH"
JACOBItheGREAT: and I spray like a mother fucker
JACOBItheGREAT: until they're all writhing in bleach-induced horror
JACOBItheGREAT: (I think they're mosquito larvae)
JACOBItheGREAT: and I drenched that shower in bleach, shut the door and I let it sit for a few hours
JACOBItheGREAT: EEWW I'm all itchy thinking about it
JACOBItheGREAT: how nasty is THAT???
JACOBItheGREAT: So anyway I rinsed it all down, got the heebie jeebies again, sprayed some more bleach and am letting it sit for a few more hours. lol
Thales: oh god
Thales: that's so disgusting
JACOBItheGREAT: how do you think I feel? it's my shower!

02 October 2007


This week's post secret hit home a few times. I wanted to upload pictures but the photo upload thinger isn't working so I'll just have you check it out on the actual site: www.postsecret.blogspot.com. The very first one struck some kind of nerve, for various reasons I won't get into now.

A lot of the secrets that I'd written out, ready to send in once I applied postage, have already been torn up. I came to terms with them on my own. A couple more are on the way, both figuratively and literally speaking.

A lot of secrets are in this blog, some stuff I prefer not to tell most people, again for various reasons I won't get into now.

The people that I've given this url to are the ones that I know won't judge me for my own paranoid rants and insecurities that once I write seem to justify how rediculous they really are. I don't get any "I told you sos" or unsolicited advice, no one berates me for how I feel, even though they might think it's absurd or they worry about me... which is nice because in this day and age that's all people want to do. No one wants to just listen anymore. I admit I am guilty of that as well, but I can't be the only person who feels that way so I think it's something that needs to change.

On that note I'm utterly exhausted and need to get some sleep. The week's almost half over!