Updates and feels

A few updates:

1. My data got recovered, YAY!!

2. Divorce news: I met with the lawyer on Friday. It was pretty much what we had discussed during the last meeting, but this time I met with the legal assistant and I paid them $2500.

The papers will be filed with the court on Monday. The lawyer will communicate with Chris directly and will tell him exactly what they need. Basically he will need to sign a few papers.

Then 60 days from Tuesday, I will go to court with my lawyer and finalize the thing. So by June I should be legally single. That seems so far away and so fast at the same time.

I don't know how I expected to feel, but to be honest I felt... happy. Free. Like this is a long time coming and it's for the best. I went home, suddenly felt exhausted, and took a hard nap. Woke up and started packing up some of the clutter that's necessary to pack when trying to sell a house.

~

Then today I helped my neighbor water her flowers (she just had surgery), and I told her about everything. They really liked Chris and would ask about him all the time after he left. We both cried. Sigh. The emotionals are still wonky.

My realtor was also disappointed. She doesn't want me to have to move, especially because this house is SO GREAT and we got a great deal on it. Selling it now is kind of a financial bummer, but what can you do?

ALSO. BIG THING THAT I HADN'T CONSIDERED: I have to wait until the divorce is final until I sign a contract on a new house, or else he will legally own half because we'll still be married.

That's a good thing because I don't have to rush to list this house, but also the timing has to be perfect because if it sells before the divorce is final I'm essentially homeless. Joy.

Also want to note that the responses and advice I've gotten when I tell people about the divorce range from condolences, to wanting to set me up with their brother (really), to asking me out on a date, to suggesting I get a sancho to 'help me through this'.

I've gotten a ton of stories from a ton of women that I know telling me about their own divorces and some of them are pretty juicy!

I feel like I'm being inducted into a club that I never wanted to be a part of.
But this is my life now so here goes.

P.S. Cute customer mentioned taking me to dinner on Thursday.

Huh. Well.

It's come to my attention that guys don't ask for your number because they want to be friends.

Well, I DIDN'T KNOW THAT because I haven't been single in 12 years.
I haven't worn my wedding ring in months, but I'm usually left alone and I like it that way.

There have been a couple of recent incidents though.

A few weeks ago a colleague (who works for a different division) asked for my number after we got to talking at the hotel breakfast. He suggested we meet for a drink because hanging out in your hotel room alone is boring as hell. I thought he was being nice and it made sense.

Nah, he was just real smooth about it.

We didn't end up hanging out but we've been texting back and forth about our travels, real platonic stuff. Then tonight he busted out a "Hey gorgeous." I'm like, WHAAA? Did he mean to text ME? Obviously he's drunk and that was a mistake and it was meant for someone else.

On a related note, that aforementioned off-limits cute customer asked for my number today and he worked it into our conversation so flawlessly that I felt like an asshole saying no so... now he has my number.

Damn these smooth men. When did men get so smooth? Maybe it's because the last time I dated was in college when guys were just as awkward as I am. Crap. I have some catching up to do.

I need to have an equally smooth rejection phrase ready that doesn't sound rude. Ideas??

I honestly don't want to date (ESPECIALLY because I'm not divorced yet!) and this whole thing is weird and it sucks trying to interpret intentions and I have to ask my sisters how to respond to flirty text messages... but oh my GOD that's what it's like to date! No! No! No! I don't want any of it.

Now I have to avoid cute dudes.

Especially the ones that have my number.

OMG STRESS

I opened up my laptop and the camera was on. Candid photo of my laptop's view:

Today was stressful.

My week is hella crazy and I'm so glad I have my outfits picked out for the week.

Stressors, in order from most stressful to least stressful:

1. I still don't know if my data can be recovered. I called my boss today who got me in touch with someone who seemed promising but I haven't heard from him so... no answer yet. I assume I haven't heard from him because he's still trying. If he had determined my data was a lost cause, I'd have heard by now... right?

2. Meeting with my realtor Wednesday. SO MUCH to do before listing the house. Electrician came today and the goddamn kitchen light is not mounted properly. I can literally see how it's not attached. I paid him $120 bucks to install a light and it's completely wonky?? Are you serious? Glue the thing to the ceiling, I DON'T CARE.

3. Meeting with my lawyer Friday to file the official paperwork. Moderately stressed about making it back into town by 3pm from Lake Jackson. Lawyers usually charge for tardiness.

4. Meeting with a new customer tomorrow who is anxious to get her new instrument because she hates her old one. I have to remember that in work terms, her problems are the most important thing to me right now.

In other news, my family and friends are incredibly supportive. It feels weird that I'm telling people in waves, a few at a time. I guess it feels like a lot to disclose at once.

It's weird. I don't know what I expect from people when I tell them.

Personally I feel like I sort of failed, so I guess I expect criticism and judgement? 

But mostly I get condolences. Which is incredibly touching, because it IS a great loss and it sucks a whole lot and it's so nice to have that acknowledged. 

I know some good, good people.

I told my boss today about the divorce/move and asked for his advice about where I should move due to our account density/ job security. He was wonderfully empathetic. Apparently there are a ton of resources available through the company that I can use personally. Also he said it's best to stay in this same area because he just finished re-assigning accounts to make us as look as useful as possible based on where we live. You know, in case there is another round of layoffs?

So, good to know. My realtor seems to think the house will sell super fast so it might be in my best interest to find a new house first, then list this house. Sure. Why not? Good thing I trust my realtor.

fails on fails

This weekend was full of spectacular fails.

My goals were to complete a few house projects to get it closer to putting on the market, and get this work project wrapped up.

House project #1. Replace the rotted board near the front window. I'm not going to replace every rotted board, but this one is right near the front walk and would definitely be noticed by a potential buyer. Ashley and I went to Home Depot, picked out the wood, got it cut, and nailed it up. Now, we had the paint color matched and I figured if it wasn't perfect it was no big deal, it just had to be close. Well, it was not close. It was very bad. Small fail. So I had to go back and pick out a color sample that was the closest, and it still doesn't match but it's good enough, I think. If it looks really bad the next time I check on it, I'll just plant something to block it. Azaleas are really pretty right now and could definitely deter the eye from the slightly different color window trim, right?

House project #2. Replace the doorknob in the guest room. Succeeded without incident. I replaced every other doorknob in this house so I guess I know what I'm doing.

House project #3. Find a replacement cover for the kitchen light fixture. Simple enough. The old one broke and I've ignored it for several years. Well, we couldn't find the right one at Home Depot. The problem was, there was nothing to identify what kind of light fixture it was. No model number or manufacturer. So I couldn't even search for replacement parts online. I took a closer look at the fixture and saw that it was held onto the ceiling with 4 keyhole slots. I could slide the fixture off, take a look at the other side to see if there was information on it, and then slide it back on.

See, that's where I was wrong. I should have known better. Because what happened was, the fixture was not mounted to the ceiling properly and when I slid it off the screws, the screws fell out or got pushed back up into the ceiling. So I struggled on a stepstool trying to get the darn thing to latch on the one remaining screw so that I could let it go and not have a fire hazard on my hands. After struggling for a while, I finally got it to catch on one screw, and now it's hanging there all wonky. To make matters worse, after all that, there was no product information on the other side. I eventually looked online and found a product that looked identical, and it turns out the manufacturer does not sell replacement covers.

So I had to go back to the store and buy a new damn light fixture. I ended up buying the exact same one (because it's one of the more attractive flush-mount fluorescent light fixtures out there), so I can pay an electrician to replace it. And maybe attach it correctly. ALL of this could have been avoided if the damn manufacturer sold the replacement covers.

House project #4: Caulk and prime a few patches on the ceiling from old water damage and re-paint. Valuable cosmetic fixes. So the caulking and priming went ok, but when I opened my can of flat white paint, it was really thick and more beige than white. I guess I've had it longer than I thought. So I bought another can but haven't painted yet.

House project #5. I started cleaning. A clean house sells for more money and gets more offers than a dirty house. Now, I clean pretty well but I'm not a big fan of dusting or windows or baseboards. I started with the windows and the outside siding, which is in really bad shape. But I brushed the cobwebs off, and everything was so dirty with dirt and mildew and pollen that I actually had to get a bucket with warm soapy water and clean off the grime with a rag. Hard work, but the areas I tackled look SO much better. The windows also let in a lot more light. I didn't finish but I got a good start. Now I hope they don't get dirty again before the house goes on the market.

Then we come to the work project. By far the most frustrating part of the weekend.

I've been busting my ass the last two weeks to stay on this really tight timeline. I put in 60 hours last week and 50 the week before. I even stayed late Friday to finish all of the testing so that I could review all the data this weekend.
All of the data has to be entered into this new software program and we're still working out the bugs but I was making good progress and was about 90% done.

So today I go to finish it up, and my finger slipped and I accidentally deleted everything. EVERYTHING. Now, I've backed up all of my stuff to the master database, so I should be able to recover it, but I tried and it didn't work.
So now I have to figure out if the data can be recovered and if not, I've go to re-do EVERYTHING. Which is like 30 hours worth of work and which will seriously make me cry. I'm really, really hoping that it can be recovered.

If not, I guess I get more practice using this software but really I'll just be pissed off the whole time.

Notes ish

A few notes:

- Waterproof mascara has come in CLUTCH two times this week. Solid purchase.

- Today, for the first time in probably 10 years, someone (respectfully) asked me if my boobs were real. I used to get that question all the time when they were huge and I showed them off all the time. But now they're smaller and they see WAY less daylight, and I try to keep my work wardrobe very modest. But I guess they're big enough now that people are doubting that I grew them all by myself. Which comes at a really good time since I'm single at 33 and my perky 20s are far behind so I welcome allll the boosts in attractiveness.

-Also, today I got my last two crowns put on. They feel really smooth and clean. I'M ALL DONE WITH MAJOR DENTAL WORK!! Three root canals, 4 crowns, countless fillings and a handful of sedatives later, I'm done! And you can bet your ass I'll be incredibly faithful to my 6-month checkups from now on. So tonight, I can chew on whatever side I want, and I will enjoy every bite of crunchy things with my expensive new teeth.

-Dog update for Drew: Andy moved out with Chris last summer. I didn't exactly miss her, but her absence was a little sad. I think if I ever saw her again I'd be happy to see her. She is, overall, a good dog. Plus after that little bout with dog companionship, I will never willingly get a dog, but I did develop an appreciation for them and can tolerate them a little more than I used to. Which I think is an important adaptation because everyone else in the world is obsessed with dogs and there's no way to get away from them.

-I'm exhausted lately. This project at work is barely on track, but we're making it happen. Trying to act like you're not sad about something personal at work is hard, too. Combine that with time change and I'm completely zonked. I'm so glad tomorrow is Friday. Oh there's this guy in this lab and we have a lot of chemistry. I feel weird about it because I am kinda single but technically not and I would never date a customer but the whole dynamic of being able to date any new person I come across is a new and weird thing to consider.

legal advice

Full disclosure: I'm moderately inebriated. But that's okay. I'm sad...kinda. And I'm allowing myself to handle this however I want right now. Even though I'm not sure how I feel. I can't figure out if I'm even sad right now or something else. Besides drunk. I did consider yoga but that's for a healthier day.

Today is the first day in 15 years that Pumpkin has puked on the tile. Finally! No bedsheets to wash or carpet to scrub!

No, wait. That's not the focus of today. (Although the above fact is remarkable.)

Today, I did not cry.

Today I met with a lawyer to discuss my divorce. Saying it out loud (and telling people and writing it and hearing my mother tell people) is therapeutic, I think?

As nervous as I was, I have to admit it was a good experience. When I arrived for the appointment, I was brought into a conference room and placed in a cushy leather chair at a dark wood conference table.

I was told to fill out a form that had "Family Law" at the top. So I did. I filled out my address and ssn and date of birth, and Chris's address and ssn and date of birth. And our date and place of marriage.
At that moment, I felt strange. Like, acutely aware of the fact that I was providing the necessary information to sever ties with this man forever. I paused for a moment, considered that thought, and continued to fill it out. No tears threatened to fall, although I had worn waterproof mascara, just in case.

Then I was given a large packet to read:

Which I read. It was overwhelming and stark and informative at the same time.
(Those are my notes scribbled on the cover. I have no idea what they mean)

Then the lawyer walked in. Now, this lawyer was recommended to me by a high school friend who was divorced in the last couple of years and is now insanely happy with a new man in a new city. Life's crazy, right?

Anyway, I love my lawyer. (I feel weird saying I have a lawyer.)
She sat down at her computer and asked me a bunch of questions while typing away. She tried to figure out why we were splitting up, and I offered a vague, non-dramatic response. She asked more questions and typed some more. She asked if I wanted to keep the house and change my name. She told me my different options and respected every single opinion I offered.

She helped me understand all of my options, and I felt a little bit of a beast roar in her on my behalf before I explained that I wanted to keep all of this fair and simple.
Then she explained the process we decided on and answered all of my questions. Basically, I know she has my back in case shit goes awry. And I'm glad, because divorce is not cheap. It will take $2800 and 61 days to finalize this divorce, if things go according to plan.

Now I have a list of things to discuss with Chris. Because we are going to try and do things the civil way. Or at least I am.
To be honest, talking to him is going to be the hard part. Tomorrow is his birthday, so I guess I'll wait until Wednesday to bring it up. Although he might consider divorce a birthday present, I don't think it's classy to do that.

Hey, I didn't cry today!
(Ok, I teared up a little when I went back and read the post about our wedding.)

big D

Last week was... catalytic?

It's hard to find the words to describe the definitive start of events that will change the course of the rest of my life. 

Because I've fought this.

Divorce. That word hangs in the air like a noxious cloud. I feel labeled. I hate it and want to shake it off my shoulders.

Through thick and thin, I've loved him. That's marriage to me. That's why I fought fiercely with everything I had and trudged through the limbo for so long. It was such a shame to watch this beautiful thing crumble as I struggled in vain to hold it together.

I reflect on all of this. [Talk about an opportunity for personal growth.]

I am allowing myself to mourn this magnificent loss one small step at a time. What a luxury.

I know that I love someone who isn't there anymore and he won't be coming back. I accept that. It's weird trying to reconcile all of those feelings while picking myself up and moving on. I've got my share of regrets. 

This process is not a straight line. It's curvy and twirly and one moment I'm confident and self-assured, and the next I find myself sobbing as I'm brushing my teeth. I'm investing in a solid waterproof mascara because I know the next few months are going to be... unpredictable.

BUT. At this point I know there is nothing else I can do, and with every stumble I stand up straighter and I'm noticing a small feeling of closure.

This finally feels right. It's a breath of bitterly fresh air to admit that.

There's no going back. And I'm one hundred percent okay with that.

feet dragging

I don't want to move. I hate moving. It's a pain in the ass. It's SO STRESSFUL.

I like my house. I like the location and the last few years have been spent making it my own. I've invested so much time, energy, sweat, blood, and tears into this home. It feels like mine.

I'm so sad that I have to sell it and move out. I mean, that's what you do when you get divorced, right? There's no other fair way to divide the asset, and I don't have enough money to buy him out.

I'm sad that my husband doesn't love me anymore, and it breaks my heart but I've been dealing with that like a big girl.

However I feel like throwing a temper tantrum over losing my house.

breaks

In case you were wondering, hot water heaters don't cost NEARLY as much as ovens* do. Thank GOD. Not sure why though. They both heat things. And I think hot water is more important than hot food, especially if you have a microwave and stove. But anyway.

They are especially less expensive when your baller brother gets a major discount at his job. And brings it over in his huge truck, and the two of you struggle to drag it into the house. Well, he was manly. I struggled. Upper body strength failed me again. I need to start doing pushups again, or something.

Anyway. After paying the plumber to install it, it'll cost about the same as the water heater at Home Depot, BEFORE counting their installation fees. Honestly it looks simple and I could probably hook it up myself, but gas appliances freak me out.
I don't want to accidentally blow up, you know? Oh, the continual joys of home ownership.

The install at work this week is going really well so far. I put in a 12-hour day on Monday so if I take tomorrow morning off it won't set me back. See? Adaptation.

Currently waiting on the laundry to finish because the cat barfed on the bed.

Oh, the continual joys of cat ownership.

an expensive hassle

This morning I walked into the laundry room... and the floor was wet. 

I love it when stuff like that happens.

After I moved everything out and cleaned up the mess (which had started to grow mold in the corner), I discovered the source was, to my disappointment, the water heater. Oy.

2018 is proving to be an expensive year. I have savings to cover this, but I don't have the TIME for this. 

There's never a good time for crap like this to happen, but a hot water heater replacement doesn't exactly fit neatly into my schedule.

After traveling the last 2 weeks I need to get a few things in order, but tomorrow I'm starting an install 1.5 hours away with a very tight timeline. 

Okay. Time to deploy the adaptation skills, and maybe get by with a little help from my friends.