31 December 2007

cooking and lifestyle changes

After getting that cookbook and set of pots and pans, I've been on a cooking/ freezing frenzy. I don't want to be stuck without good gluten free food once school starts and I'm too busy to cook. I'm tired of eating plain rice and snacking on microwave popcorn and fritos in a pinch. Besides that, it's unhealthy.

I made a big pot of chili and it rocks. Actually, as far as chilis go it's mediocre, but it rocks because I made it and I can feel good about eating it. Except after distilling the cloves in ochem lab, I can pick out the taste/ smell of cloves from pretty much everything now, so maybe next time a little less clove powder to season.

I am constantly amazed at what wonderful friends I have. Everyone has been incredibly supportive of me while I try to integrate this whole change into my life. They read labels, look up recipes, let me know which stores they've seen that have gluten free sections and/ or foods, they've bought me gluten free treats and ask which restaurants are okay when meeting up as a group. They have stopped me if I grab something without thinking, just in case I've forgotten or it's a questionable item. They make sure to ask if they can buy anything specific when they're hosting a party, and actually apologize if they forget and suggest we buy a pizza for dinner, even though of course I'm holding no offense. I don't really crave things like that anymore because I am feeling so much better lately.

I'm especially amazed and touched at the effort C as put into this. I mean, it IS an inconvenience when it's not his issue yet he has to participate when it comes to the meals we share. He doesn't complain when we have to go to two stores when we make dinner- Whole Foods for the gluten free items and Kroger or something for the normal items. He willingly ate a gluten free version of his grandmother's chicken spaghetti recipe and even said it was good, even though I know with my beginner cooking skills and substituted ingredients it did not compare to what his grandma used to whip up.
The other night we were in a bar and someone asked why I wasn't drinking the delicious-looking pitcher of Shiner. Before I could really explain he jumped in and told the guy about Celiac disease. He's just been really really awesome.

I know I could do this alone, but it's just made me feel like I'm so lucky and so blessed to have so many people that care enough about me to make these efforts.

So, for the few of you that I let read this, thank you again. You have no idea how your little efforts have made such a huge difference to me.

27 December 2007


Wow, a lot happened in 2007.

The biggest thing: I got over him and that whole mess. I, with the help of time and some special people, mended and soothed the pain that never seemed to go away. It was the hardest lesson to learn but I am so much stronger now and I intend to stay that way. I'm happy now but I can walk away with no regrets at any time.

Made some amazing new friends that will probably still be there when I'm 80.

Let go of a lot of my partying ways and focused on school. Still not satisfied with my grades though.

Finally quit the "safe" job to search for something that makes me happier. Still kinda scared about that but things always seem to work out in the end.

FINALLY figured out what's been keeping me from being healthy. I am looking forward to straightening all that out and integrating it smoothly into everyday life.

It has been a very emotionally & mentally draining [and maturing] year and it's made me tired.

Let's see what happens now!

20 December 2007

i don't want no one to squeeze me

...they might take away my life.

I am so glad I do not have a job right now. I have been sick since finals with two separate but simultaneous infections. I've felt like I've been slammed into by a linebacker or something. It's not like I chould stay home and veg, because C needed help moving and I had no Christmas shopping done.

I should have gone to the doctor at the first sign and it wouldn't have been so bad but NO, I always have to see if I can heal myself. On the plus side, it was nice having someone take care of me, especially without having to ask for it. I usually do the taking care of. Heating up your own chicken soup isn't so bad but it's even better when it's delivered with a kiss on the forehead and a box of tissues. Once I start these antibiotics I should be feeling much better.

SO I was feeling okay enough to make sugar cookies. (gf of course)

15 December 2007


Well, one man in particular.
Every once in a while I check out my ex's myspace to see how he's doing, and inevitably there is a blog or something that references me. And it's always about how I am the reason he's unhappy, I'm leading him on, etc etc.

We broke up two years ago! For some odd reason about 6 months after the breakup he decided that he wanted me back and had made a mistake (uh, DERRR) but I had already moved on AND made no effort to hide that. In fact I explicitly said that to him in many ways, many times. He had even met my new boyfriend. Most men would have let it go at that point. But noooo, not Robert.

He thinks it's fitting to publicly blame me for his unhappiness and claim that I was leading him on and that I messed with his head. Um, hel-lo I had my own relationship issues to deal with without adding on that whole mess again.

I wanted to maintain some sort of friendship but he kept going on these "anti-jen" things so I just forgot about him until he'd call out of the blue again wanting to talk. Yeah, that sounds like I'm messing with him, right?!

ARGH he has some NERVE.

Side note: His new girlfriend is very pretty (but not in that slutty way) and oh yeah, he's gained some weight. HAha

14 December 2007


I am going to talk in detail about some things that some people may find disturbing about the female anatomy. It's my blog, and I can write about whatever I want, but for the extra squeamish, you've been warned and it is clearly marked. I will now bring you back to you regularly [un]scheduled blog.

it's 4am.
i am most certainly not asleep warm and comfortable in my bed. like i should be.

i am in fact quite the opposite, cold and incredibly uncomfortable sitting in front of my computer.


c's amoebas, to be exact.
this is what i get for taking care of my honey while he's sick. and kissing & snuggling said sick person.

my sinuses are completely unpenetrable by my usual means. this stuff is not cutting it, i feel horrible.


that, and my fucking vagina is going nuts. it is so fucking itchy and painful, and is the main reason i am unable to sleep. this is what i get for playing around with hormones. bad jacobithegreat! BAD! that and i have that horrible equivalent of grown-up diaper rash... pad-rash. oh jesus what did i ever do to deserve this?? it's almost unbearable, i wanna take an ice pack and shove it in my crotch to relieve some of this pain. (don't get me wrong, this is not an infection OR an STD, none of the telltale signs are there. i'm not a dirty whore.)


i'm so tired but can't possibly sleep in this condition. my last day of work is tomorrow (well, in a few hours) and it would be incredibly bad form to call in sick. i think i've called in sick maybe 3 times in the past three years, only one of those times from an actual sickness. what are the odds i'd actually be sick on my last day of work?

i need a shower. i'm whiny and sick and there's no one awake to be whiny and sick to.

11 December 2007

on optimism

It's past noon on a Tuesday and I'm sitting here in my underwear drinking coffee and ignoring my phone. (once again, I love college)

I forgot how whiny men are when they are sick! Still it's nice to see the happy smile on his face after he's gotten a tummy full of donuts and alkaseltzer. Sounds gross to me, but he seemed to like it.

I feel kinda crappy. My head hurts and for the first time in three months, due to my own hormone replacement schemes, I will have the dreaded monthly visitor. Things are not very comfortable down there and I'm breaking out. And it's STILL 80 degrees in December! That alone makes me crabby. I'm moving back to CA as soon as I graduate man. Ha, I say that every time the weather in Houston gets shitty.

I am restless. I want this final to be over, and I want to finally finish my last day of work. This week will drag by, no doubt. I also have the endoscopy to "look forward" to on Monday. I'm slowly getting scared, distracted only by the more pressing issue of acing this final.

On the plus side, though, my stomach is not upset. :o) Yay for gluten free!
I love being an optimist.

08 December 2007

crappy interviews, finals and weather

I was late to the interview. I thought the time was 1130 but it was really at 11. So, needless to say, I didn't get the job that seemed perfect for me. Alas, it was not meant to be. I am not worried though, it will work out.

I wound up making a halfway decent grade on my ochem final, but sucked on my physiology final. Errgg. One more to go, I must ace immuno.

As I was decorating the staircase banister with green and silver garland, poinsettas and little round ornaments, I realized that I am in no way into the Christmas spirit this year. I was putting the decorations up for my mom, who is out of town and would like the surprise of having the decorations up instead of in bags on the floor when she returns.

Maybe because of finals, maybe because it's freaking 80 degrees outside (I abhor Houston's weather), maybe because I'm so tired, but I am just not feelin' the Christmas-ey this year. I was debating breaking out my own decorations and decorating my little apartment, but maybe if I do it will help.

I also want to volunteer. I think that will help get me into the "mode." I always donate to St. Judes, but this year I don't have much money to give to charity. I'm sure there are plenty of opportunities this time of year, especially if I don't have a job.

Stuff to do get around to doing:
-write Grandma back
-get the personal injury stuff from the accident taken care of
-tweak the resume
-find simple gf recipes, I'm so tired of eating the same old stuff!

07 December 2007

random life stuff

I have an interview today for a reception position, something exactly what I'm looking for. The only thing is, my schedule is so kooky this semester, it might be a problem. Oh, well. We'll see what happens.

This week has been nuts. I took my non-pregnancy wonder hormone pill this morning and was astonished to see that it's Friday.

Physiology final this evening. I'm TIRED!!

The parentals are out of town in San Antonio. I wish I was there on the riverwalk with my lover and an alcoholic beverage amid all the Christmas lights.

Speaking of lovers, C went to visit his grandpa "Pa Paw" (must be a southern thing) and he brought me back a birthday gift from him! It's a small crystal clock, very pretty. Anyway I was surprised to receive a gift from him, considering I've never met him. I guess it's kuz I make his grandson happy. :o)

Saw the GI doctor yesterday. I don't know if I really like him yet. And not because he said I have to get an upper GI endoscopy and small intestine biopsy. He assured me he'd knock me out with an IV. Scary yet intriguing and cool.

Well, another week of my life is gone. I like the way things are heading.

05 December 2007


So I am on a major brain high. I studied for pretty much 20 hours straight and now, after my final is over, I can't shut it off. I still have mechanisms and electrons and cyclohexane molecules being manipulated around in my head.

You know it's funny. I thought it would be an unbearably long night, that would never end and it would be so hard to stay awake, but it wasn't that bad. Even if I tried to sleep, so many things were whirring around in my cranium that I couldn't catch some Z's. (lying under the table at 4am while the cleaning lady vacuumed around me and Adam tried to cover me up w/ his jacket...haha)

I think it made it better that Adam was there next to me, even though we didn't really talk and mostly studied, it always makes me more comfortable studying with someone there. A nice Gin Blossoms interlude breaks up the mind-numbing monotony. That, and the fact that the majority of the people camped out in the c-site 24 hour computer lab were also cramming for ochem. Comrades!

So now, I don't have to be at work until another hour and a half, but if I go to sleep I'm done for; I won't be getting back up. So... I have an hour and a half to kill in this caffeine induced energy state.

Haha, I look like hell. I love college.
Rock on and bring on the day.

04 December 2007

crunch time

So. Here's the plan.

Ochem exam at 0800 hours tomorrow morning. I think it's time to pull my first all-nighter as a college student. After four or so years (who's counting, really?) I haven't had to do one yet, but I'd rather just camp out in the library than worry about missing my final because of traffic or car trouble or something equally disatrous.

I'm so glad C is out of town these two days because there's one major distraction gone from the equation. Seriously, I have zero self control, especially when it comes to him. Hell, I'll bring my stuff and study next to him watching tv. It works, right? Not really...

My plan is to head up there, study all day and then drive back home, take a shower, grab dinner and whatnot, then head back up and stay till my exam.

thermous of coffee: check, but not till the second trip to school
comfy hoodie: check
big bag of skittles: check
huge supply of gum: check
various gluten free snacks to share with my fellow cramming buddy, Michelle: check

Let's go.

01 December 2007


Before work Friday morning, I got a few special phone calls wishing me a happy birthday. My dad was among those and it made me happy that this year he didn't forget.

I put in my two weeks notice at work, and the day went by with happy wishes.

The party that I decided to throw only a few days ago went great. A lot of people showed up and there was plenty of alcohol, even for a BYOB party. I am constantly reminded that I have the greatest friends. A lot of people brought gifts, something I was not expecting at all. I felt very very loved.

I was thinking about where I was a year ago on my last birthday and how much I've been through since then. I'm glad it's all behind me and I was right, I am so much stronger because of it. I have high hopes for this coming year and I'm looking forward to enjoying it.

29 November 2007


i feel strange.

i was driving home tonight and had an incredible helpless sensation of becoming unconscious. i was aware of it but at the same time i was as foggy as the night, talking to myself, saying out loud that i would be ok to try and force some kind of realism back into the moment.

heart racing, scared i was not going to be able to hang onto consciousness. my hoodie became unbearable. i was too hot, i was too cold, i couldn't focus. yet i was extremely aware of what was going on. i caught myself hyperventilating and forced myself to sing along to the music to even out my breathing.

my first thought was, i'm hungry and i'm getting faint. but no, paying attention, i wasn't hungry. come to think of it i haven't been hungry or had any kind of appetite or cravings. i haven't gotten that kind of hunger that makes you really want a meal. even so, i've eaten today. i don't think it was hunger.

so what was it?
maybe i need sleep.

27 November 2007


I feel flushed and headachey. Kind of in a daze trying to figure what just happened over the past three hours.

I am normally NOT a fan but I just got caught up in a whirlwind of grade A middle school quality DRAMA.
I don't know how it happened, it just took over and whoosh! whisked me away. Things haven't settled yet and I'm all full of not knowing who to trust. Each angle has valid points and I am horrible at deciphering what it all means. Everyone has something to hide.

Thank God I have my little drama guru, Ashley, to help me with this. She's siding with the one I never thought she'd side with. She can't believe it, either! lol

I'm going to sit tight and see what happens. I hope this has blown over but knowing the instigator(s), I'm sure I haven't heard the last of it.

The more I think about it, the more I wonder why it even started and the motives behind it. Who randomly calls someone up out of the blue to gossip? It's not like I was even that close with the person who blabbed or had anything to gain from hearing ANY of it. I am naive when it comes to that and I can be easily manipulated by those who are better at it than I am. I have a sneaking suspicion I've been had.

I am ashamed of myself for getting caught up in it. I am not an evil, two-faced, conniving, gossiping bitch and I think it would be best to avoid those who are from now on.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: I need to learn how to keep my mouth shut.
Gossip is powerful people.

26 November 2007

so much for optimism

Well, let's go with the old saying: some things never do change. I hope to God someday they will change.

[you can't tell me you love me and then walk away]

So I'm in love with someone I can't be with. Been unable to shake this feeling since I met him.
Mental illness doesn't just affect that person, it affects everyone who bothers to care.
I am going to do my best to be there for him, kuz that's what I do, but I seriously wonder if I am strong enough for this to happen again.

On that note, I am thinking about quitting my job even more after recent events. I think above all I need a change. There are too many opportunities out there to have to dread going in to work every day.

I hope I have the courage, and I hope I'm not making a mistake. Decisions.

Life has been fucking with me lately. I can do two things: whine about it or realize that it's only going to make me stronger. Let's go with strength. No one likes a whiny wimp.

25 November 2007

of love and shower caulk.

So I caulked the shower. It was kind of fun once I got the hang of it. Of course it's kind of messy but it's functional and will hopefully prevent any more of those nasty invaders from reappearing. I swear if I did all this and they're STILL there... I don't know what. Become the obsessive bleach queen I guess.

This holiday has been a nice break from school and work but now, now it's kind of boring. Everyone's out of town or busy and I'm just stuck here at home with everything cleaned and a lack of will to study.

You know how history repeats itself? Well, this will be the last time it does.
I mean that.
I am jaded enough to make this promise good.
That being said, it would be so nice to be able to let go and fall in love again without any worries.
Optimistic, yes. But nevertheless it's what I want.
I'm ready for whatever life throws my way.

24 November 2007


After 3 days of a gluten-free diet, I have decided that I desperately need to learn how to cook. Or, rather, I need to find the time to learn how to cook and cook decently.

I've been pouring over recipes, there are so many it's overwhelming to narrow down which ones to try. I've been buying various flours but not knowing what to do with them. The ingredients are all so unfamiliar and besides, the only cooking I usually do is baking. It's so foreign to think of actually cooking myself a real meal that does not come from a box.

Because, I can do this, but it's going to get real old eating plain rice with pepper and salt sprinkled on top. Not to mention it's not very nutritious. I wonder if I should consult a nutritionist...

But the bottom line is I need to learn how to cook. Keep vegetables and things like chicken stock on hand. Actually cook fresh meat instead of pulling it out of a bag and heating it up. Get me some pots and pans and actually use that stovetop for more than heating up water.

My mom's been a great help, especially with Thanksgiving, doing her own research and trying to make gluten-free dishes. She made pumpkin pie, but put a little filling in a ramekin to make a pumpkin custard for me. She set aside some sweet potatoes before adding the marshmallows and made a separate little dish so I could eat them.
I think she feels guilty because it's very likely that this came from her side of the family, and she's also been trying to feed me whole grain wheats to lower my cholesterol all summer. It's NOT her fault and it would be absurd to blame her.

I am craving garlic bread.

21 November 2007

today is the first day

...of the rest of my life.

My doctor called me this morning, waking me from a very comfortable snuggle-fest. Basically she called to inform me that the tests for Celiac Disease were positive. She said she sent me a package in the mail with information, referrals to Gastroenterologists and a copy of my lab results. [she knew I'd want to see them] Looking at the lab results, holy crap. The values in my blood were TEN TIMES the values signalling a positive result.

Wow. So, I guess I need to change my diet immediately. I did some more research and my fridge is full of lists of ingredients to look out for when shopping. My mom ran out and got some gluten-free cake mixes that I can eat while everyone else gorges on pecan pies and pumpkin cake tomorrow. The majority of the food will be okay though.

I know a few people who have done research or know/are celiacs and they are helping me out tremendously. The hardest part will be getting into a routine of realizing what foods are safe and which are not.

This does explain a lot of things, I hope I start to feel better soon.

18 November 2007

studying, sweethearts and shower critters

I am so sick of studying. I only have two more days until I get a break, but I just can't seem to force myself to study anymore. After a day of cramming with a nice little break of socializing at Scott's bday party, I was headed home to study some more when I decided I needed a break. I drove the habitual route in the dark and rain to find some calm comfort.

I fell asleep perched on the edge of a couch snug in the arms of a scratchy chin and the smell of cigarettes & him. The sounds of Stereophonics playing on the tv, the mellow soundtrack of some movie that drifted in and out of my restless consciousness.

I woke up early and decided to leave. When I bent down to kiss him goodbye, I smiled. Even the most guarded of individuals becomes sweet and cozy when asleep, hair all mussed, snuggled up under a blanket.

On a completely different note, I did some research on those nasty little fuckers that are appearing in my shower and I think they are drain fly larvae. {collective shudder}
So what I have to do is get dear old daddy to throw some poison down the drain, and since the flies are laying their eggs in the cracks in the caulk on the floor, I have to re-caulk it. This means I have to use the upstairs shower for a while because the shower has to be completely dry. Lovely.

I am totally looking forward to dinner with the girls after my test Monday.

16 November 2007

isn't this world amazing?

What a week!
It's almost done, I made it through okay so far. Ochem exam tonight, and this weekend will suck but after Monday I get a little break.

So I am normally pretty happy.
Lately, I've been waking up with a smile on my face and I feel like I could just burst from all the happiness inside me. Things are just fitting together in that way they do so randomly in life.

No more rental car or insurance stuff to deal with, I love driving my new car. It's a saturn ion. I'm pretty excited that it's all under my name, no parents cosigning. How adult-ful!

I updated my resume and started looking for another job. This one's okay but I think I need a change, something different.

The weather is gorgeous, nice and cool and sunny. I think that's having a huge effect on my mood.

I've gotten to spend time with that one special person, and I'm so freaking happy to see things starting to turn around for him. Not just because I'm reaping some of the benefits, but because someone I care about, someone who I've made sure to be there for during rough times is taking major steps to pull themselves out of it.

I am confident, I am brilliant, I am beautiful. I am not hopeful, but instead reveling in the blessings that I have been lucky enough to secure.
I know all good things must come to an end but right now I'm on top of the world.

11 November 2007


In case I miss something during the week...

x buy car!
x study for ochem lab final
x work on physiology lab scientific paper
x practice ochem reactions
x bake items for AHPS bake sale?

x OCHEM LAB FINAL/ checkout
x meet with Lindsey to do physiology lab report
x finish physiology paper
x practice ochem

x get to campus early, pick up NSCS tshirt in library
x meet w/ David for tutoring

x class, work
x breathe
x update resume and apply for jobs

-(no work)
-730pm OCHEM EXAM!!
-drink some of that compound i've been writing over and over... CH3CH2OH

-football game 230?
-start studying physiology

-giving tree
-study physiology

-(no work)

Did I forget anything?

10 November 2007


and not the organic kind that i usually refer to.
i'm talking vibes. the kind of shit you can't explain except for a feeling.

either you have it or you don't. but that doesn't always matter when it comes to the way life goes and the way things have to happen.

life's generally good but sometimes... sometimes it really sucks.

09 November 2007

maturity rocks!

I love being an adult.
Aside from the responsibility and bills, hitting a certain level of maturity and being around those who share that maturity is so very nice.

I'm glad I am able to handle these issues like an adult, without the unnecessary drama. I am a big fan of frankness, probably because I'm not very good at deciphering vagueness.

I am excited about the future. You never know what will happen. Oh, God I hope for the best. I was so worried that it would never happen and now, sitting upon the threshold watching, I see enormous potential. I am so very happy for the good things that are happening, especially since they're not happening to me. I've already got a blessed life, it's damn time that people I care about get a break.

07 November 2007

suprises and not-so-surprises

I came home after a long day to find two surprising things on my desk: the knitting needles I was wanting and some random lab orders from my doctor.
The needles were a gift from my great-aunt. She's visiting from Arizona for a few weeks. I've seen her briefly twice-- never home long enough to see her. I wish I could spend more time with her.
The lab orders were for celiac disease. Umm, what the hell? I haven't even seen her for any problems relating to this. It really was random. I am impressed, though. She did a little putting two and two together. So I did some research and I'll do the tests, but I doubt I have it. At least I don't have to fast for the tests. I hate fasting, I get all dizzy. Still haven't figured out exactly what's wrong with me. I am fine with managing the symptoms through medication but it would be nice to find out the cause.

So the long day: rat gut physiology lab = disgusting. For once I did no cutting and left it up to my labmates. Give me frogs any day. I studied much more for this immuno exam than for the last one, but I feel I did worse on this one. Then during karaoke night, the lack of sleep hit me and I just wanted to fall asleep at the table.

I did some thinking on the drive home. I finally understand those words that were silently spoken so long ago and I wasn't sure what they meant. And that fucking scares me. I need to figure out a way to change this. I need patience and I'm sure time will help.

Now that I'm home and able to lay in my bed, I can't sleep.

I can pick up my glasses tomorrow :o)

05 November 2007

slowing down

i should be studying for immuno. or working on my physiology lab report. or practicing ochem reaction problems. something productive. but these thoughts keep distracting me.

today was a strange day. oh, it was normal in the routine sort of way, but had an odd feel to it. it seemed surreal, unsettling.

on the way to work i stopped by the post office and mailed my very first postsecret postcard. the secret written on it is one that i'm unsure about. i hope it inspires someone.

i told dave about what has been bothering me. it seemed to clear my head about the whole situation. i'm ok with sitting tight for now. i need to learn to think before i act. i need to learn patience and self control. i've become too liberal with the self-satisfaction that comes with going for what i want without regard for the consequenses. life's more complicated than that.

one day at a time.

04 November 2007

status quo

I'm sitting at my desk. The windows on my computer consist of a google result for normal tidal volume, this page, and a word document containing my lab report. The tv is tuned into ESPN and the UH vs SMU game that I'm not attending. Actually I think it's over by now. They're doing some kind of interviews. I hope we won!

I am so confused right now. I don't know what to think; I don't know what to do. I can't write frankly about certain things anymore because quite a few people that I actually know now read this. I am certain I would get my ass verbally kicked if I did. Maybe a few punches and some "what the hell are you thinking??"

I know I have no self control. I do things I know I should not do, but I want to do them... and you know what? I rarely regret doing them. But I need to stop being so selfish. I need to think of others instead of myself.

This is a very sticky situation. The advice I've been given from the couple people that I've partially confided in have told me to sit tight. But for how long??

My fingers are itchy and I'm anxious. I want to talk to people. I hate waiting
Ha, I'm also not very patient.

03 November 2007

thinking and re-thinking.

I feel blah.

Today was a good day, very productive. Day and Ash helped me pick out my new glasses. They're plastic frames, different from anything I've worn. I'm looking forward to not having to wear contacts all the time.

I need to do schoolwork. My last ochem lab is this week! Then the next week it's the final and check out. 6 whole hours of freedom regained.

Been thinking about a lot of things lately; lots of stuff has been going on. It's another one of those times where I'd rather wait for something to happen than make a choice.

I wonder if I'd be thinking this way if things had stayed the way they were going?

02 November 2007

friday morning

I do not usually dig women singers. They're too whiny for me.
But I just love Ingrid Michaelson. Especially The Way I Am. It's so cute and catchy!
Go look it up. Now. Then tell me how much you love it.

Went to the eye doctor today and she said I have congenital cataracts in both my eyes. Hm. No one's ever said that before! Oh, well just add it to the list.

As I'm typing this, my mom is singing Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas. I absolutely love her, haha.

Well I'm going to go skip around and sing, it's a beautiful day and I have a date with a cutie tonight.

31 October 2007

in the mourning

I can see the signs
No wonder I could never keep you satisfied.
-Tantric. Good song.

I am not ready to move on.
I don't want a new car. I'm not excited; I'm forced. I don't like it. The loss of Pedro still hasn't settled yet. I still get that rush of adrenaline and panic when a car gets too close to me on the road.

I sang karaoke tonight [Joan Jett- I love rock n' roll] with the support and backup of 4 guys. Akhtar did a GREAT job singing, I should have grown some balls and jumped up there all by myself.

I didnt have the balls today for a lot of things.

27 October 2007


I googled myself and apparently there's a pervert schoolteacher with my name. How lovely!

I think October deserves a big red X over it this year. It was just a month of me feeling physically crappy. I'm ready to feel better.

Although, despite everything that's been undesirable, I have been upbeat and happy. This was a big month of emotional adjustments.

So maybe it can stay.

25 October 2007

hot cocoa

Scoreee I found 20 bucks on the ground today.

It's cold and I want hot cocoa. At least I think. My stomach has been odd lately.

I'm so glad this week is almost over, though I know this weekend won't offer much relief from everything.

Still, I'm very happy with the general way things are going right now.

23 October 2007

feeling low

I need to be comforted.
Only I can't ask for it without being whiney or clingy.

I am tired.
I am stressed over school and this accident stuff, trying to juggle the two.
I'm distracted by these recent phone calls from certain people, and the lack thereof.
There's only so much brain space.

When it rains, it freaking pours.

22 October 2007

RIP Pedro

Insurance is funner when your mom gets pissed and bitches. Things get done.

Today I got into the doctor, who ordered Xrays on my head and neck because of that "contusion." Got a rental car, went to the junkyard and got all of my stuff out of Pedro. The insurance guy hasn't come to look at it yet, but I doubt it will be salvageable.

-the airbag is pink!-

The crazy thing was, I was driving up to school today for class when I came up to the spot where the accident happened, and my front bumper was still laying there on the shoulder.

Man, I've had a lot of good times in that car. It was my first car! Beach trips, moving in and out of the dorms, San Antonio, Austin, getting lost in downtown, packed full of singing girls, late night fast food runs... SO much more.

How ironic that I had only 8 payments left until it was paid off.

Poor Pedro, I'm going to miss zooming around in you and honking your horn. *beep beep!*

cold fronts and bumps on the head

Cold front!!!

I am wearing LONG sleeves today bitches.

I didn't realize I hit my head until I felt the painful bump when I woke up yesterday. I can't go to the dr. because insurance is giving me the run around. I can't fix my glasses until I figure all that out either.

Insurance is FUNNN. <-- Sarcasm!

21 October 2007

spoke too soon

Tonight I was driving to meet up with Jen and Aileen for sushi, when the car to my right swerved into my lane without looking. I swerved to avoid hitting it, tried to correct my car, but ended up losing control. The last thing I really remember in sequence is seeing sparks fly and almost hitting a semi. Then it was a whirl, a huge bang, some more whirling and more bangs... then stopping. Then, "Oh yeah I should probably brake."

I'm sitting there, coughing and choking on whatever comes out when airbags deploy, shaking, trying to realize that I'm perpendicular on the freeway, blocking two lanes of traffic. I roll down the window to breathe, put the gear in Park with some difficulty, and a gentleman in a truck slows down and asks if I'm okay. I can barely choke out, "I need help."

He runs up, pries the door open and about this time, another car pulls up in front of me and a man gets out, calling 911. Then I turn around to look at my car. The entire front end is smashed, fluids are leaking out and my front bumper is on the shoulder a few feet away next to a very large black mark on the concrete barrier. Cars are slowing down behind Pedro.

Everyone's asking if I'm okay, and I'm freaking amazed that I'm unhurt as far as I can tell. I ask the man what happened and he said I lost control, crossed three lanes of traffic and slammed into the concrete guard, spinning around a couple of times.

At this point I run back to my car and find my phone, everything's a mess. I call my parents and then start to survey the damage. It's surreal. I'm standing in the middle of the freeway looking at pieces of my car scattered about. At some point I realized my glasses were not on my face, so I had to root around and find them. I guess the airbag hit my face and knocked them off... I don't remember. They're bent and scratched.

Tow trucks arrive, the man with the truck leaves, and the other man who called 911 [Ike was his name, bless him for stopping] stayed and about that time I really started to freak out. Things were absorbing. I just walked away from an accident where I plowed into a concrete barrier going 70 miles and hour and I managed not to hit anyone else. He was kind enough to put his arm around me and let me freak out on his shoulder until the paramedics showed up.

When they did, they told me to calm down and said I was hyperventilating and didn't want me passing out. Only then did I realize I was feeling faint. I was NOT going to pass out in the middle of 59, thank you very much. So I started forcing myself to calm down even though inside I was frantic. Every time I looked at my car I couldn't imagine that it had happened.

They directed me into the ambulance and proceeded to take my blood pressure and pulse, asked if anything hurt, poked and prodded a little bit. They made me sign something saying if I felt bad I'd go to the hospital. I had calmed down considerably, and I started to notice the paramedics were pretty dreamy, haha. Also, the inside of an ambulance is fairly unremarkable.

By that time they had Pedro hooked up and I rode in the back of the police car to a gas station, where my dad, uncle and Frank showed up. The look on Frank's face upon seeing my car was... frightening.

I tried to rummage through and take a few things out of my car, and it looked like a bomb went off or something. Stuff was scattered everywhere, the glovebox would not close, the doors were not opening well. My rearview mirror had fallen off and I started searching for the St. Christopher medal that I kept hanging off of it. My dad always insisted that I keep one there for protection. We found it on the floor, bent.

All of the neccessary paperwork was done, and my uncle drove me home.
I walked into my room and with a horrible, sickening thought, realized that I very well could have never returned to that room. I am incredibly lucky to be unhurt. My mom proceeded to squeeze me for the next 45 minutes or so, crying and squeezing me some more.

I have some seatbelt burn on my chest and some bruises on my thighs. My entire right side is sore and so is most everywhere else on my body.

Even now, hours later, I keep remembering the sensation of spinning out of control and the huge bangs, and praying I wouldn't hit anything else. It's terrifying and haunting.

Now I have to deal with the insurance. I wonder what will happen?

16 October 2007

it doesn't take a brain surgeon...

If you've got something to say to me, say it, ask it, whatever. Don't keep it to yourself or blow it off or try to see it resolve itself through silly internet things. Trust me, it will only end badly.

Monday at lunch a friend said something very simple and I've been thinking about that moment ever since.
It's different yet so familiar and inherent.

I feel awesome. No sex, haha, nothing that depends on another person... I'm just happy.



So I've had two hit and runs, and poor Pedro still isn't even paid off yet.

Today I got rear-ended on the freeway driving to school and the fuckhead took off. Wow. My first accident. Not my fault and nothing fell off, I was happy. I was expecting a crumpled mess, but it wasn't that bad. Some scratches and a crooked bumper. The scariest part was sitting on the shoulder feeling the car rock as cars whizzed by. Talk about seasick... I was glad to get off the freeway.

Still, it shook me up a bit. I made it to class in time but it was hard to concentrate kuz it was still sinking in.

It made me feel better that my Dad left as soon as I called my mom and told her I'd been hit, and came to make sure I was ok. I know he lives in fear of one of us getting hurt. I think he even blew off a job. Just one of the "I love you" things he does.

15 October 2007

ahh content

The big picture is changing.
My thoughts: It's never too late.

It's cool and rainy and the perfect type of weather for me. I love LOVE it. This is my favorite time of year, I feel almost giddy.

13 October 2007

waiting for my mask to dry

So in addition to this strange phantom ailment, I've broken out lately. Good thing I have this mask that's supposed to make it better.

Still feel crappy, although the pain has migrated to my eustachian tubes and has settled there for the last couple days. It's very swollen and painful. At least now it's numb-able with sprays and cough drops.

So even though I felt less than great, I met up with M, J, Jen, Akh, T and B for Mexican food. It was pretty fun actually, there was a live band and it was a nice night. The weather is finally cooling down a little bit so it's pleasant to be outdoors. It won't last though!!

Then we trooped over to this 'adult novelty' store and had some fun lookin' at the stuff there.

I want to be a bumblebee for Halloween!

10 October 2007

NOT in my head

Of course.
I went to the doctor... and they could find no reason for the pain. No inflammation, no infection, no fever, nothing.

Prescribe some nasal spray and decongestant and send me on my way. Ugh it still fucking hurts.

09 October 2007


I am in some of the worst pain I've ever been in.
Sunday morning I woke up with a pain localized right behind my nose, where it meets my throat. It felt like congestion and I just ignored it.

Then I kept waking up Sunday night because it was hurting. During the day, I ignored it again. I've had this type of pain before and it usually goes away on its own.

Then last night I took a drowsy decongestant and an inflammatory pill, and I still couldn't sleep.
So today it got to be damn near unbearable. I called my mom and had her make me a doctor's appointment since I'd be in class. And that's saying something; I don't go to the doctor every time I'm sick. Hell, I waited two years before I saw one for my stomach. I'm a big believer in "it will fix itself, we have an immune system for a reason." I would have loved to skip class and sleep but I had a midterm in ochem lab that would be a pain to make up. So I was a trooper and stuck it out.

Oh my gosh there's no relief from this pain. I feel it constantly, but it's much worse when I swallow; it even makes me flinch. I can't numb it, otc pain pills do nothing, same for decongestants. A hot shower won't even relieve it, and hot showers fix everything!!

That and it's spreading to my ear; I keep feeling sharp pains. And the eye on that side is red. I thought I had pink eye it was so red, but I woke up with just redness this morning. The other side is completely fine.

I'm really curious to figure out what is causing me so much discomfort, and I want it to go away NOW. I'll probably just get prescribed antibiotics. I have to wait till 8am tomorrow... ugh.

I want to cry because there's nothing I can do and it hurts so bad, but I'm sure it will only make it worse.
Make it go awayyyy.

06 October 2007

I should probably not share this...

JACOBItheGREAT: this is SO nasty
JACOBItheGREAT: and I have to tell you
JACOBItheGREAT: so i noticed my shower's getting a little mildewey around the edges
JACOBItheGREAT: so I busted out the spray bleach whatever stuff today
JACOBItheGREAT: and I'm spraying away all happy, blasting the black spots
JACOBItheGREAT: and in one corner, the one where the water never really directly hits and the shower curtain never moves
JACOBItheGREAT: it's moving.
JACOBItheGREAT: i kid you not, so freaking nasty. it's a bunch of little wormy things.
JACOBItheGREAT: so I'm like, "AAAHHH"
JACOBItheGREAT: and I spray like a mother fucker
JACOBItheGREAT: until they're all writhing in bleach-induced horror
JACOBItheGREAT: (I think they're mosquito larvae)
JACOBItheGREAT: and I drenched that shower in bleach, shut the door and I let it sit for a few hours
JACOBItheGREAT: EEWW I'm all itchy thinking about it
JACOBItheGREAT: how nasty is THAT???
JACOBItheGREAT: So anyway I rinsed it all down, got the heebie jeebies again, sprayed some more bleach and am letting it sit for a few more hours. lol
Thales: oh god
Thales: that's so disgusting
JACOBItheGREAT: how do you think I feel? it's my shower!

02 October 2007


This week's post secret hit home a few times. I wanted to upload pictures but the photo upload thinger isn't working so I'll just have you check it out on the actual site: www.postsecret.blogspot.com. The very first one struck some kind of nerve, for various reasons I won't get into now.

A lot of the secrets that I'd written out, ready to send in once I applied postage, have already been torn up. I came to terms with them on my own. A couple more are on the way, both figuratively and literally speaking.

A lot of secrets are in this blog, some stuff I prefer not to tell most people, again for various reasons I won't get into now.

The people that I've given this url to are the ones that I know won't judge me for my own paranoid rants and insecurities that once I write seem to justify how rediculous they really are. I don't get any "I told you sos" or unsolicited advice, no one berates me for how I feel, even though they might think it's absurd or they worry about me... which is nice because in this day and age that's all people want to do. No one wants to just listen anymore. I admit I am guilty of that as well, but I can't be the only person who feels that way so I think it's something that needs to change.

On that note I'm utterly exhausted and need to get some sleep. The week's almost half over!

29 September 2007

Go Houston Cougars!!

I totally love our football team.
Even though we lost tonight. And blew our last chance to win in the last 8 seconds.
And it was raining. I'm no fair weather fan! There were a decent amount of people there too and the rain let off early, resulting in a beautiful sunset over Robertson Stadium.

There were both amazing and disappointing plays. Avery running 100 yards after a kickoff for a touchdown?? Eat 'em up coogs!

Now I'm hoarse and smelly and unpleasantly moist and my arms are tired from holding up the 'shockm' sign.
I love it!

(photo props to Adam Barrera)

It was just what I needed to break up the mind-numbing week of school.

26 September 2007


I smell like Christmas.
Cloves, actually.

Everything smells like it! We distilled them and extracted the oil today in the most disastrous ochem lab ever. I accidentally added NaOH instead of NaCl to the distillate... oops. So then I had to add copious amounts of ether to even get the layers to separate. Even then they did not separate satisfactorily and my % recovery is going to suck balls. Again. It took the entire 6 hours stuck in the clov-ey smelling basement and I was already crabby from the results of my midterm... no bueno.
I made stupid mistakes; Come ON, I accidentally mixed up polar and nonpolar! Six points right there. That is what results from lack of sleep and too much caffeine. Garg it's so frustrating. Especially because I'm putting so much effort into this course.

I mean, everybody wants bragging rights to say they're doing well in the most notoriously hard course known to natural science majors... you definitely get some respect.
But I am really trying to bring my GPA back up. And in the midst of focusing on ochem, I'm unavoidably neglecting the other courses I'm taking. I managed to pull B's on the first midterms in those courses.

I'm looking forward to this weekend. Cougar Football, here we come!! Then sleep, lots of it.

22 September 2007


I am worried about Mitch.
Tonight he got very drunk and ended up getting sick all over the steps outside the apartment. When I left he was still sitting there, looking miserable. I knew when he took that first drink that it was a bad idea. You don't join AA and stay sober for two years if you can stop at a nice buzz. I felt a little bad leaving, but my heart wasn't in this party and he was done for the night anyway. My sister was doing a really great job taking care of him; I was surprised.

I hope he wakes up tomorrow and realizes that he should probably not drink anymore. Unfortunately I know it will get much worse before he decides to stop again. I just hope it stays related to alcohol and he doesn't start in on the drugs again. I know if he does my sister will not leave him and I don't want to see her dragged into that. I don't want to have to hate him for hurting her.

cupcakes and snuggles

I woke up this morning thinking the wrong thing.
Not that I'm surprised, but I keep trying to remember that I'm the only one who thinks this way.

I am so glad the first round of midterms are over. It was a brutal week. I left my Ochem exam last night a combination of brain dead and exhilirated. And after a night of much-needed snuggles, I feel a lot better.

Made Mitchell's birthday cupcakes: funfetti cake with vanilla pudding in the middle. Yum.
I also made him a small cake for himself, but it got a little... toasty around the edges so I'm going to cut it off and make a parfait in a margarita glass that I have to give back to Ash anyway. He'll love it. Here's the requisite picture:

Looking forward to next weekend, going to organize a tailgating party before the football game. Go COOGS.

10 September 2007


Oh my gosh.
Today my immunology professor mentioned that yesterday, Watson was on campus giving a talk.

WATSON. As in Watson and Crick, the two Nobel Peace Prize winning scientists who determined DNA's double helix structure using x-ray chrystallography! [Of course, they gave no credit to the woman who inspired them to use it in the first place...]

But ANYWAY... How could I have not heard about this??
What an amazing opportunity, to hear what his brilliant mind had to say??
And I missed an opportunity to actually meet him. What an incredible honor it would be to shake his hand.

I can't believe I missed it.

02 September 2007

warm and fuzzy

Sometimes, I get loves just when I need them.

Like when I've driven 100 miles today and it seems like every song on the radio was one that I'd like to avoid because of the connotations, but I couldn't change it soon enough to block out the thoughts they provoke.

And any hopes I'd had for the day did not come true.

And I keep flip-flopping back and forth trying to figure out how I feel about who. Why do I feel like I have to define my feelings, why can't I just go with the flow? I guess I'm just that type of person.

So thank you, love, for making me feel like there's someone out there who feels enough of a connection with me to tell me they love me randomly. I love you too. Really.

26 August 2007

two steps forward

ok I feel better now.

Momentary weak moment. Still, it's time to avoid him like the plague. I can't deal with this shit right now.

On to bigger [taller...?] and better things!
I am woman hear me roar!

*shows muscles*


I've got that familiar feeling that I used to get when I couldn't concentrate because of the hurt. Please, please, please don't stay this way. Make it go away. I've been doing so well lately but all of a sudden it just pounces and grabs ahold out of nowhere and squeezes tight.

Fucking country music and Chevy Silverados and stupid 3am text messages that I wish I never got. Stupid movies about Dale Earnhardt and oatmeal raisin cookies and rocky road ice cream. Damn Cullen College of Engineering and those German beers in the grocery store. I never should have taken that call. No more random memories being triggered by everything! I don't want to be reminded!!

My frame of mind has slipped and I just have to wait it out until I can shift it back to where it belongs.

When you take two steps forward and one step back...
you're still moving ahead.

19 August 2007

cute boy-ness

There's this boy.
He is quite nice. and cute.
And I think there may be mutual attraction here.
We'll see.

18 August 2007

best chocolate cake ever

I love chocolate. However, I'm not crazy for chocolate cake or chocolate icing.
There's this cake.
It's so wonderfully delicious that I can't possibly stop at one piece. It's divine.

An ex-boyfriend's mom used to make it, and I have no idea where she got the recipe, but one day I asked her for it and today I was going through and found it. I've never actually made it myself, I always just ate hers.

I'm going to a party tonight and I promised Akh I'd bring some sort of sugary wonderfulness so I figured I'd give it a shot. Lately I've been substituting butter for that stuff that's supposed to make your cholesterol go down, eggs with egg beaters, whole grain flour, etc etc. But this time I didn't.

OH. MY. GOD. No words.

I feel like I must share this incredible artery-clogging diabetic coma straight-to-your-hips chocolate-y masterpiece with the blogging world. So here it is:

Best Chocolate Cake Ever

1 c. water
2 sticks butter or margarine
4 T. cocoa
2 c. flour
2 c. sugar
1/4 t. salt
2 beaten eggs
1 t. baking soda
1/2 c. buttermilk
1 t. vanilla
1 t. cinnamon

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
Boil water, butter and cocoa. Let it cool for few minutes.
Mix flour, sugar, salt. Combine cocoa mixture with dry mixture.
Add eggs, baking soda, buttermilk, vanilla and cinnamon.
Bake for 20-40 minutes in a 13x9 pan. (mine was ready right around 25-30 min)

Heat 1 stick butter, 4 T. cocoa, 6 T. milk but do NOT let it boil. Once it's all dissolved, add in 1 box (this was vague, I added about 3 1/2 cups) powdered sugar and 1 T. vanilla.

Pour this warm mixture over the still-warm cake.

Once it cools it gets this delightful layer of thin sugar crust and the icing's soaked into the cake so it's incredibly moist.

I had to beat my mom and brother off of it until it cooled... haha.


16 August 2007

pondering love

I can always tell when my sister hangs out in my room: the telltale signs include the futon cover being torn off, the TV set to some crappy countdown on VH1, candy wrappers next to my empty candy dish, and various other little messes here and there. I can rag on her all I want, but the truth is, it's kind of comforting.

So anyways, that little note aside, the real reason I logged on.

I've been thinking a lot, obviously. After all these emotional events going on lately, what with having talks with Rob and this thing with C and other guys that have come and gone, each with appropriate heartache and non-heartache...

My question is this: If you can 'get over' someone, does it mean you never really loved them as much as you thought you did?
Or does it just mean you have a healthy grasp of reality and not some movie-script idea of love?

I mean, because when you're in love with someone, or at least when you think you are, they're amazing and you can't see yourself not loving them. Then when you have to get over them, you find the strength until they're not really a part of your life anymore. I mean, it kinda HAS to be that way in order for you to get over them.

So when you stop thinking about them every day and it doesn't bother you if they're dating someone else, and you don't have any angry or bitter feelings towards them, you're actually happy for them, and you can have lunch with them and not have the urge to kiss them, and you don't feel that ache of lost love when you see them, they've become someone not as special.

How does someone you love like no other become someone that isn't even necessary in every day life, doesn't make your heart ache when you can't have them?
It's hard to justify those feelings I once had when now they aren't there anymore. They were real, I know they were. They're just... changed maybe.

I suppose I just change the romantic type of love into something more acceptable. But it still bothers me. Will there ever be a person where I can't transfer these feelings? Is that "true love?"

There really is no way to tell, is there?
But even while I toss this turmoil around, as each day passes I get more confident that things are gunna be all right.

13 August 2007

let them eat cake

I made a cake for Mitch in celebration of his two years sober anniversary. He requested a copy of a birthday cake I made a year or so ago: yellow cake with a layer of vanilla pudding in the middle, standard white birthday cake frosting. I decorated it with chocolate chips and made the AA symbol, I think he'll like it. I was mad because I couldn't find the cake platter I normally use and the only thing I could find was a big round plate. *shrug* he won't notice!

Here's a pic:

Of course now I don't want to eat it because I licked the bowl, had a taste of the pudding AND the frosting, and it's just overload on the sweetness. But I betcha it's yummy.

12 August 2007

11 August 2007

can't sleep

After a long day and a relatively mellow night with friends, my bed is calling. But my protesting stomach says otherwise. I forget sometimes that I can't eat and drink like most other people without having stomach discomfort. I've been taking advantage of these wonderful life-saving proton pump inhibitors, forgetting that they are not 100% effective and they are only a temporary fix. So, my late dinner combination of spicy gumbo and wine are giving me painful reminders of what life used to be like 24/7. I can take it every once in a while.

Tonight was spent at a tattoo parlor, providing moral support to V. Then we headed over to 59 Diner since we were all pretty hungry. I didn't know if we were going to end up at a bar or a club or what, so I wore my new top that I got on sale at Express a while back. I've been wanting to wear it. It's one of my favorites, shows a lot of cleavage but otherwise isn't too slutty. We ended up at Agora and had drinks. I love the atmosphere of that place, and the fact that they add tiny chocolate brownies to the saucer with my soy chai lattes. Oscar met up with us there, but E didn't. (I wonder what he ended up doing? He sounded like more in the mood for a club anyway.) Then, coincidentally I ran into T and her friend who had just come back from the mixers thing at the museum. We all hung out and talked, that museum thing sounds like fun. It was kinda strange at first hanging out w/ T kuz it's like, "hey, you're kinda dating my BFF Dave." But it was all right, I like her.

Thursday I got a new desk. I got the one from work for $15, which is a fantastic deal, because a desk this size new usually starts at $250. It's in good shape too. So I did a lot of rearranging and cleaning and moving stuff back up into the guest room for storage. When things settled down it was funny to watch Pumpkin sniff everything and climb on top of the new things, scoping things out. I like it, I have plenty of room for books and studying and all that.

It is going to be SO strange living here during the semester. At this point I'm usually making plans to move again. I have a feeling I'll be losing a lot of the camaraderie that comes with living on campus. I felt this way last summer and things were completely different, in fact they all went downhill. I think maybe the change is what I need. It's time to move on and let go, in a lot of areas in my life.

I think I can go to bed now. :o)

09 August 2007

letter to you

If you ever stumble upon this, or go looking one day and find yourself reading...

I do understand.
I know I make it sound like I'm blaming you for everything, but I'm just trying to get you to see past yourself and see how you affect other people. I think that's part of learning how to deal with your problems; seeing how you affect others, even though you think your problems are yours alone. They're not.
But I do understand. I should have made that clearer instead of arguing my point.

I don't blame you, you have every good intention for yourself and this is the time you need to take to do it. Yes, I was hurt, but there was no way around it. It was going to happen either way.

I hated fighting with you. Of course every fight was about how we weren't close anymore, and maybe I still don't understand this part, but you resisted.
Again, not your fault. It was over as soon as you felt nothing... empty. Numb. This should have happened a long time ago. There was no room in your life for a girlfriend and all holding on did was ruin our chances farther down the road.
We were all hurting and scared for you, with you. You didn't know that, though. It was as if you didn't want to know.

I hope you enjoy the changes you make. I hope you figure everything out. I hope you learn that it's okay to be alone, but it's also ok to allow yourself to let go and enjoy it when the right person comes along. I don't ever want you to miss out on another "strictly amazing" because you're scared.

You are the best and worst thing that's ever happened to me and I am very glad that I met you.

05 August 2007

still got it

I got hollered at in the grocery store today wearing old yoga pants and a tank top, wet hair clipped up and no makeup. And he wasn't even one of those creepy ghetto guys either.

Walking a little taller...

J and I had a great conversation today while laying out by the pool. It was really nice, just what I needed on a lazy Sunday afternoon. Just talking with her made me feel so much better about everything.

This weekend I asked C if he was seeing anyone. He said yes. When I asked why so soon [remember he said he loved me like a week ago?] he said he still wanted me but needed to fill the hole.

Oh, I see. So I suppose it's easier to snag the first girl that comes along instead of trying to work it out. It's all right, there's nothing I can do. I told him to have fun in a not-so-nice way and made it very clear that I've never been hurt quite so badly.

*shrug* It's my form of closure. Having gone through this before, it's easier to accept the fact that it's over. Despite that lingering feeling deep down... I'm sure it will go away after a while.

I can only take so much bullshit and hurt feelings. I can do so much better. All the love in the world means nothing if you're not treated like it.

So on a related note I saw this and laughed.

29 July 2007

that punched-in-the-stomach feeling

I knew it would happen, I just didn't think it would happen so soon.

I guess I know where I stand now.

26 July 2007

today's thoughts

I saw school supplies on sale.
I am a school supply junkie. I love buying new school supplies. New folders, brand new pens that still click right, mechanical pencils that actually have erasers, cute unstained book bags, I love it all.
But this year mingled along with the usual glee I get from school supplies was that fear, and the looming reminder of the new semester without financials already in place was a sobering thought.
I didn't buy any school supplies. But I will, and I'm doing the loan stuff tomorrow. Cross your fingers, please, that I'm approved.

I'm getting over this stupid cold, but I'm still sapped of energy. One more day and I think I should be feeling okay.

Today for lunch I met Ash and had mediocre Murphy's Deli sandwiches. Then since we were right next door we went to Charming Charlie's and browsed a little. It was like Sam Moon's but smaller. Anyway it was nice to get a change from the usual routine.

I waxed my eyebrows. Now they kinda burn. But they look nice. The things we do for vanity, I swear.

I'm still bummed I didn't get to go to Austin with Nisha to visit Tillye, but I suppose it's good because now I have time to get some more stuff in order. Maybe instead of going out, I'll hide out for a little this weekend and do just that. We'll see.

*side note*
As jaded as he sounds, and as much as he thinks that getting laid is his #1 goal, David will make a good boyfriend to some lucky and very equally quirky girl. It will be strange to see him un-jaded though. I'd love to see that happen.

HAHA so true and scary...
David: "seriously, if the whole reincarnation bit is true, we were married for like 50 years in another life"

25 July 2007

go ahead and dance

I wish I could embed it but I dunno how.
props to my friend Geoff for showing me this:


20 July 2007

school, boy drama and roaches

I agree with you. I say you leave like you plan to and worry about money later. If you keep putting it off for whatever reason, you'll never leave. I really want you to go, too. You've worked too hard to postpone it even MORE. You can always make more money. I really really hope you get to go.

On another note, my ass is still trying to get a loan for school. I still haven't gotten into my ochem lab either. It seems like I keep having huge boulders drop in my way just when I can see what I've been working for. Keep truckin' I guess. When you fall you get back up, there's nothing else I can do and I'm not quitting after working for so long for so hard. I'll find a way.

I'm so anxious and worried, but everything happens for a reason. If there are no hard times, how can you appreciate the good ones?

For those of you who like my boy drama:
C and I are back in the pattern of hanging out, and we're not telling our friends we're dating or anything. Each time this happens, I get less anxious and more chill with the whole situation. I don't think the whole 'good relationship' thing is gunna work after we've been in this on and off pattern for so long. It really is a thing of convenience. Darn, I never wanted things to be this way but I guess that's the way the cookie crumbles.
D apologized for blowing me off but I still don't think I want anything to happen besides friendship.
Robert has invited Ashley and I to go see his new apartment and go out for wings and drinks. I hope that will be fun and non-awkward. That's why I wanted Ash to come along, to make sure it stays platonic. I think he's past it though, I mean it HAS been almost 2 years since we broke up.
I met a guy named Richard today, one of Ash's coworkers that she invited to lunch with us. He is pretty cute, a little bit older [late 20's] but has a really great personality. He managed to spill a cup of gumbo ALL over himself and it got in some really strange places, like his shoulder. He handled it pretty well and can laugh at himself, which is a really good personality indicator. So my sister is all excited to play matchmaker and I guess he's gunna call me for a date. I have mixed feelings but he does seem like a nice guy.

I just had to go drown a roach in lysol antibacterial kitchen cleaner. *shudder*
It crawled and touched my foot as I was typing. [GAH!!]
So I grabbed the purring sleeping cat behind me and plopped her down there, but she seemed happier with stalking it than killing it. I couldn't let it get away so I grabbed the closest chemical-y thing to me. I must say that stuff is effective.
Now Pumpkin's looking back and forth from me to the soaking wet roach like, "hey, you took my plaything away!"
Fucking roaches. I hate them and they all should die. Now I'm all paranoid that one's on me.

Time for a shower.

15 July 2007


I hate it when I stand up and I have to sit back down again because I get all dizzy and all I see is black.

My days are all mixed up, so much happened this weekend.

Thursday I went to see Harry Potter and since the 3D thing wasn't working, I got a free pass to the IMAX. Very cool.

Friday was crazy and frustrating. I did a lot of driving and ran around trying to get everything done. I was looking forward to B's party but then I got blown off! I had invited D to come join the party and he seemed excited about it. But then he didn't even bother to tell me he wasn't going to come, he just ignored my call. [Come to think of it, he still hasn't called back. I'm not too heartbroken.] Then once I got there, ready to just SIT there and socialize and get drunk, they all decide to hit up a frat party. I was exhausted and in no mood for a frat party, so I went over to C's for a while and decided that I should probably stop drinking. I did not plan on spending the night but I was tired and snuggling seemed WAY more inviting than driving home and sleeping alone.

Saturday I woke up when C did, realized that I had NO time to get things ready to go sign the apartment lease, and ran out of there. Once I got home I frantically took a shower, got dressed, and copied pay stubs, printed loan information, filled out the application, etc etc. My mom and I drove all the way over there just to have N's parents tell me that they didn't like the location. To make a long story of explanations short, now her parents are finding apartments. Whatever, I'm sick of the whole thing and just want to sign a lease already.
Then I met with D and J and we went to the Bridal Extravaganza. It was SO FULL of neat things. Pretty much everything you could imagine for a wedding was there, and plenty of selections to choose from. I had fun, I think this whole experience will be a good one.
They were having a lot of sales at FC Mall, so my mom and ash and I went. We had a lot of fun helping my mom pick out new styles and she tried stuff on and had a 'fashion show' in the dressing room. We're all tired of her same old things that don't fit right, so we're helping her slowly build a new wardrobe. Our mom is going to be stylin'. haha. [I also got a bra for $10, an Express skirt for $6 [$6!!] and a superhot top for $10.] Then I came home and SLEPT. I've been so tired.

Today I woke up and heard it raining and was actually happy because I'd rather go to Warped Tour with rain than unforgiving sun. We all pile in the car and drive there to find out...it's been postponed until Monday. Who has a concert on Monday?? People have to work! I have stuff to do [apartment, bank loan] so I'm going to have to cram it all in the morning and then make the concert. I don't want to disappoint the girls by deciding not to go and getting a refund instead. They've been looking forward to it for so long.

I am SO SICK of running around! I just want to relax. I need to fill my relaxation quota so that once school starts I won't feel so overwhelmed. It's not happening and I'm a little worried about that.

I'm also trying really hard to get healthy again. I'm taking pills and supplements, eating things like fresh fruit and wheat germ and whole grains and special orange juice... even more than I usually do! And I'm still not feeling right; I'm so tired all the time.

I really really need to find my happy place and be comfortable with my life. It's been topsy turvy for way too long and I don't want it affecting my grades any more.

I think I'll take a nap.

07 July 2007


Well, I'm back safe and sound at home. And after this week, I feel like a new woman.

I've never been able to adequately explain what looking at the Oceanside pier in person does to me. How I feel when I walk across the scorching sand, not bothering to tiptoe across in pain but instead savoring the feeling. How the waves somehow bring contentness. How the sight of a figure in a wet suit waxing a surfboard calms me. How the taste of authentic slurpees from 711 blows all other competitors out of the water. How the combination of breeze and sun both warms my skin and gives me goose pimples at the same time. I swear I can feel the ocean air taking away all my concerns as it tangles my hair. The salty water and sand remove the imaginary weight as they stick to my skin.

I forgot about my whole life back in Houston for the whole week and instead absorbed every sunny, California-filled moment. I forgot about bills, problems, drama... everything. It was just what I needed.

I don't know, maybe I'm just transported back to my childhood once I smell that air (MUCH different from this crappy Galveston stuff) and take in the sights I saw constantly during happier, simpler times. Everything was familiar. Even though I'd never driven it myself, cruising down the 101, the 5, the 78 back to Vista, was effortless. It was like I just knew where to go. Nothing else soothes my soul like those southern California beaches. I can't explain it, it's just home for my soul.

And what's even stranger: I kept this carefree feeling until I was driving home from dropping M off. The familiar song on the radio, the way I automatically drove my car, the thoughtlessness of driving the same road brought those same old thoughts back into my head. I desperately tried to hold onto the contentness, but all of a sudden I felt the way I was feeling a few weeks ago. My heart raced with anxiety and I felt the horrible urge to pick up all of my bad habits that I've gotten rid of for the week.

I don't want them anymore.
I have to figure out how to find my Oceanside without leaving Houston.

Anyways some pics I took that I liked:

24 June 2007

weekend fun

Man, it's funny how my attitude can change in just a few days. [I am so over it.]

This weekend was another fun one. Lots of drinking and dancing and general merry-making.

Barbara had a party, I always love her parties because she and I have a lot of mutual friends, and it's just cool to party with most of your best friends.

Saturday was Jessica and John's wedding. It was a beautiful ceremony and a really fun reception. People were having a ball.
Now it's time to plan Dayna's!

And I think it's time to take a step back and not date for a while. No relationship drama, no awkward dates, no wondering what the other person is thinking, etc etc. I deserve to feel like I'm wanted. I'm really sick of it all and I just need a break.

So on that note, I'm going to find something to do.

17 June 2007

great weekend

This weekend was the funnest weekend I've had in a LONG time.

Friday I had off work so I went in to get some blood drawn which took all of two minutes. Then my mom and my sister and I did a little shopping.

I met D in downtown and got a mini tour of some of the buildings around town. Houston has some awesome architecture. So anyway we me up with A and her friend Da and saw the Astros game. I get pretty sweet seats from work, right on the 3rd base line. This was kinda bizarre: we're right in foul ball territory, and at one point one was hit RIGHT to us. Even with everyone trying to grab at it, it missed all the hands and dropped stright onto the head of this little girl in the row in front of us. What are the odds man? Besides that it was a really good game, we all had fun and were pretty happy that we won. They even set off fireworks kuz it was Friday.

Afterwords Da wasn't feeling well so he and A left and D took me to Late Night Pie, which I've been wanting to try for a while. The piece of pizza was HUGE and I ate it all, it was so yummy. D is such a gentleman. It's really nice. This cracked me up: he sent me a text message saying that my simplicity makes me beautiful. LOL does that mean I'm boring?? I didn't get it but I figured the intention was good so I'm not gunna try and decipher that.

So Saturday I woke up and decided to clean. My little apartment needed it. FYI: Scrubbing bubbles is the shit man.

Then I decided to make biscotti for my dad for Father's Day. It took forever with a few mishaps but eventually I ended up with a huge ziplock bag of pecan almond chocolate-dipped biscotti. Delicious. (And he ate like 10 of them this morning. I guess it was a good call.)

After baking, I got ready for J's bachlorette party. I did my hair, didn't skimp on the cleavage and even put on eye makeup. I was looking pretty hot. And WHAT A BLAST. I haven't gone dancing in at least a year.

We met up at Joe's Crabshack and made a few spectacles. The briday party was all decked out in sashes and J wore a veil. She even got serenaded by one of the waiters singing that song from Top Gun. It was a hoot. Yes I said hoot.

After that we headed downtown to Main St. with the intention of going to the Grasshopper but while we were walking up, this guy offered to get us in free to this club. Then while we were following him, another guy from another club walked up offering us no cover, VIP and a free bottle of champagne. So we turned our asses around and went to this place called Heat. It was kinda lame but we danced for a while and drank our champagne.

J wanted to go try another place so we walked outside and someone offered us free shots. We said hell yeah and went into this pub that had a small dance floor upstairs. We ended up staying there the rest of the night and having a complete BLAST. We met some guys out for a bachelor party and we all danced together and hit it off. They were all very good looking and very willing to dance with such gorgeous creatures as ourselves. They were all very friendly but still gentlemen...ie no dancing that included groping. I did get a very nice lap dance though. That's a good memory to tuck away...

It was hiliarious watching J try to get condoms from guys, which was one of the things on this list of things she had to do. We all pitched in to try and get one. We got a lot of kisses but NO condoms! Apparently every guy in the club either practices unsafe sex or was really confident they were gunna get laid.

But it was overall a great night, all the girls in our group got along great and I think J had a really good time, which was the most important thing.

Now I gotta find a date for J's wedding. I asked C but he said he hates weddings so I dunno. [BTW I have no idea what's going on between us. He still acts like we're dating but I'm pretty sure he broke up with me. I've learned not to ask questions and just go with the flow when it comes to him. *shrug*]
Maybe I'll just take a gay friend.

16 June 2007

a short eulogy of sorts

Rest In Peace Ford Goss (Known to me as Gino).

We have fond memories of your snoring reverberating throughout the house.
Of you BBQing those amazing bacon-wrapped pieces of heaven at the crawfish boil.
Of you and Debbie dancing, even though I'm sure recently the thought of her tore you to pieces.
Of your unmistakeable voice in the backyard when you came to visit.
Pictures of you smiling, holding a beer, another thing that tore you to pieces.
That forgiven memory of the superbowl party.
Of your hugs when one of us accomplished something to be proud of.
You were family. You ARE family.

Yours is such a sad story.
I don't want to read your obituary or go to your funeral, only because I can't believe you're dead. Going will make it real.

You were a special man and we love you.

11 June 2007


So today I went to see my gyno for my yearly tests and everything.
Normally it's no big deal. (although I never get used to that feeling...)

But anyways I met a new doctor today and she brought in an intern, that usually happens. After the "nice to meet yous" I looked at the interns face.

...And it was familiar.

My doctor proceeded to ask all the necessary questions, and I snuck a peek at the intern's name tag. Yep. I went to high school with her. We made eye contact and I could tell she recognized me too. So I'm in this vulnerable position in my flimsy gown and she's standing there in her lab coat and stethoscope. Lovely.

I figured I wouldn't say anything and just go along, I mean, it's just a vagina and she does have to learn.

Without going into detail, it was about how you'd expect it would be. As I walked out of the office, I cracked up laughing, thinking, "Hi, I went to high school with you and you've just seen the entire extent of my vagina!"

I bet I'll run into her at the grocery store...

09 June 2007

buy me some peanuts and cracker jack

A few pics I took at my brother's baseball game.

04 June 2007

baked goods and driving lessons

I made biscotti today.

There's this recipe that I made a few years ago in my "recipe-trying-out" stage. At the time, I decided I didn't like the taste so I threw the recipe out. But today for some reason I found myself craving them. Something about the combination of chocolate and cinnamon.

So I browsed some recipes online and found one that looked decent. I made it, got flour all over in the process, and they turned out good but not the same. Man I wish I still had that recipe.

My mom and I went over to the thrift store that benefits the Fort Bend women's shelter. I got a couple of plates. I don't want matching dishes, I want a nice random combination of neat pieces. Then I finally donated that huge bag of clothes I cleaned out of my closet a while back. Yay for renewed trunk space! (not that I ever use that much anyway but it's the principle.)

I met a friend for coffee, which was really nice. Then I came back and offered to take Suzy driving. She's still getting used to the mechanics of driving that come second nature to all of us that have been driving for a while. We went over to the Kempner parking lot, then she drove around the neighborhood for a while. She's getting a lot better. I'm not gripping my seatbelt and smashing the imaginary brake as much. I taught her a neat trick to keep the car in the lane and not too close to the curb, it worked for me when I started driving.

I tried a new workout tape today. It wiped me out! And that's a good thing.

Ash brought her new puppy over tonight. It's cute. Pumpkin, who is feeling much better, seemed very curious towards her. They just stared at each other, kind of like kids do in a grocery store when their carts pass in the aisle.

Then I made myself dinner. The classic 'chicken, vegetable, starch' meal that I love so much. It's comfort food.

It was a nice, beautiful, relaxing day. And it couldn't have come at a better time.

11 April 2007

smart ass

i am not easily offended. but enough is enough.

you think you know everything.
just because you are smarter than the average bear does not mean you have the right to judge everyone else. you just form your unsolicited opinions and start plastering labels. does it make your life easier?

i have my reasons for doing what i do, and i don't see how it's any of your business what I do.

i could defend myself.
i could give you the reasons why.
you're so uninformed.
so shut your face.

you haven't learned everything yet.
and yet you sit here and make your inferences and you judge people and you think you've got it all figured out. all you do is blame others for your unhappiness.

the bottom line--you're still not happy. no matter who's to blame.

you know that you're unhappy and you can even explain it
but for some reason you can't change it and you're still miserable.

funny how the things you're saying that i'm doing wrong are the ones that i've got a handle on and that are making me the most happy.

the smartest person I know, doesn't know shit.

06 April 2007

the clock's ticking

sitting here at my desk in my spongebob panties drinking coffee out of my beloved UH mug.
it's a little cold in here. the temperature in the dorms is never quite right.
it looks so beautiful outside. i'm contemplating calling in sick to work. don't know what to do otherwise though. still contemplating anyway.
excited about wearing the plain white t's tshirt for the first time today.
13 minutes till class. i have to go, it's my worst class. though going never seems to help. i still suck at the exams.
i pick up the phone and for the first time ever, call in without some "sick" excuse. i just say i'm overwhelmed and need a day off. my boss says that's fine, she'll see me next week.
roommate's gone, suitemates are either gone or sleeping. it's quiet.
i breathe in.
ahhhh, quiet.
8 minutes till class.
take another sip of coffee, still not dressed.
finally taking real classes next semester: organic chem, human physiology, immunology. can't skip those either. but i won't want to. they are my future, what i've been waiting for.
you wait and see. i'm going to do it. i don't care how long it takes.
3 minutes till class.
pull some pants over spongebob and drain the rest of my coffee.
i'm ready.

29 March 2007

just a little bit

I'm feeling emo. It's okay to have those times every so often. It's been a while.

I'm just lonely.
I miss the arms around me and the breath in my ear.
I miss my cat.
I'm wondering why one of my friends is blowing me off... I don't think I did anything to piss this person off.
Eh, like I said, maybe it's none of my beeswax.

You know, looking back, I wish I hadn't met Chris when I had. I wish I would have met him when I had a clearer point of view. When I wasn't still finding my way out of the fog of a serious relationship. And his issues were more resolved. I dunno, maybe nothing would be different but I still wonder.

But, back to the present. Things are simply the way they are and too often we don't see how things REALLY are until much later down the road.

What I wouldn't give right now for just a little bit.

22 March 2007

complaining game

Man this complaining game is really therapeutic.

I just made it up. You and another person go back and forth complaining about things that are bothering you. One person at a time. You just say something that's bothering you, and the other person listens but doesn't try to fix anything or give advice. Then it's their turn. Back and forth until there's nothing left to bitch about.

You should try it.

20 March 2007

oh my god.

I love you.
like for real.

17 March 2007


A friend once gave me some very good advice.
He said to me, "Jacobi, if there is any chance at all that you will be happy, go for it."