01 May 2016

me?

So here's the thing.

Somehow, I turned into one of those women who loses their identity because they are too focused on their relationship*.

Because I consider myself to be a strong, independent woman, I am very ashamed to admit that.
But it's the truth.

I could try and figure out how it happened, and there are many factors, but that's not really the point. That particular analysis will come later.

The point is, my whole life revolved around him. And I knew it. And, honestly, it wasn't a problem.

I knew our marriage had been circling the drain and neither of us could seem to get a handle on it. So I clung tighter without any real direction.

Until one day when I was suddenly faced with the reality of a wandering eye, the reality that he might not want to be with me anymore.

Then my world fell apart.
Simply because my world was based on him, and he wasn't a rock-solid thing anymore. When the one thing you depend upon starts to crumble, naturally you become lost.

Oh, what a wake up call.
Why did I depend on him?
How did I lose myself?
What do I want? I don't know.
Do I have any hobbies? Nope. Drinking wine on the couch does not count.
What do I like to do? I don't know.

It's not a healthy situation for anyone, especially the one who is the dependent. But it's also not fair for the one who is being depended upon.

Imagine, if the tables were turned, how would I feel if someone's entire world revolved around me? Trapped. Smothered. That's how I'd feel. I'd try to scrape the barnacle off and run away as fast as I could.

So during this time of upheaval, maybe some good can be realized.

In almost every situation now, I think to myself,
"What would I want to be doing if he were not a factor?"
Which, honestly, could be a very real scenario. I do have to prepare myself for that possibility. This is not a fairy tale, this is real life.

So then, I think about what I'd want to be doing if no one else were to influence my decision. Then, I do that thing. And I don't worry about anything else. And right now that's a good thing. Sometimes you gotta worry about yourself, and the rest will follow

I've got to figure out how to survive for ME, with or without him. At the end of the day, all I can really depend upon is myself.

Yes, I might have made a mistake looking for happiness in the same place that I lost it. That thought haunts me every day. But deep down I know that something real is there and has always been there.

I still think my husband is wonderful. He's a good man and he makes me happy on so many levels. The past is the past, and things change, even if it was yesterday. We're just struggling to figure out what each of us wants, and how to match those things up.

If he wants, he can be there for companionship and love, NOT to provide the basis on which I plan every aspect of my entire life. Nobody deserves that kind of responsibility, and I'd be stupid to place that much control in someone else's hands anyway.

I got so wrapped up in him, that I forgot who I was. And I couldn't really see what was happening with him, ironically.

I'm so glad that I realized that. No matter what else happens, that will possibly be the most important lesson I learn in life.

*No thanks to the lousy therapist

1 comment:

Drew said...

Not sure if there will be anything in them to help with your situation, but books that have helped me reshape my relationship over the various ups and downs are CoDependant No More and The Mastery of Love.

*hugs*