31 May 2016

mess

Here we go again.

Whether I like it or not, I'm at another turning point in my life. I will never be the same after I get through this.

Ironically, as a result I'm craving change. Something fresh and new. My surroundings remind me of the hardships that I haven't yet overcome, of the situations I'm still trying to figure out.

I always get like this, feeling stifled by life, wanting to rearrange the furniture... I'm not sure rearranging the furniture is going to work this time. I fantasize about calling the realtor and moving into a new space... but like Ashley said, maybe major life changes aren't a good idea right now. One thing at a time. I'm thankful there's a voice of reason because mine seems to have stepped out to get shitty drunk and flick me off from across the bar.

I'm so fucking lost. I don't know what to do. I have no direction. In my most desperate hours I wish I could make this all go away. I wish I could run away from it all. I wish I could have definitive answers. I wish a lot of things. I try not to wish too much because wishing doesn't do shit.

Instead I wake up, get things like false eyelashes and power lipstick to help me feel good about myself, and put one foot in front of the other and keep myself as steady as I can as my life is heaving and rolling beneath my feet. What choice do I have? I can't curl up and wait for my life to pass me by. Even the shitty things have to be experienced. I have to keep going.

I've been having vivid dreams about my worst fear coming true. It's not as horrifying as it once seemed. Rather than bring the relief and closure that in my waking hours I think it would bring, in my dreams the rejection still feels awful-- The hurt, the disbelief, the sensation of falling. It's so real and unreal.

I keep having the same thought: I can't believe I let another person put my life into such an unstable mess. I should be more in control of myself than this. Even the moments that should be seen as a positive sign are clouded in doubt. How can I trust my own judgement?

Lately I've found myself doing (and considering) things that I would have found inexcusable before. I'm not sure when my voice of reason (or I) will sober up and turn back into someone recognizable.

And, as always, I end on a positive note: I am strong enough to get myself through this, no matter how long I feel it's necessary to endure, and I will be even stronger after I do get through it.

And I will probably regret hitting the Publish button because yes, this phase of my life is hard but I'm being all dramatic about it because I've had wine.

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