reflections

Sitting on my couch while the cat takes a bath next to me. Candle burning in the salt rock thing. Empty glass of wine, full bottle of kombucha. Fridge full of veggies.

I haven't been home much in the last couple of weeks. If I wasn't working, I was at FG's house, helping however I could. There is so much stress involved with planning a funeral, on top of dealing with grief. Such a horrible thing.

It was an emotional weekend. Friday they were able to see her body, and it was especially difficult. Makeup can only cover so much and the abuse from her attacker was very evident on her face and no one was ready for that. I don't know how they all went in there to see her; I've always felt super creeped out by open caskets and corpses, but maybe I'd feel differently if it was my last chance to see my loved one.

Then the funeral. ALL THE FEELS. It was an absolutely sweet and beautiful service. She was cremated and placed in a pink urn and there were flowers and pictures everywhere. FG asked me to read a letter that he wrote to his daughter, and there was not a single dry eye in that room. His words grabbed hold of your heart and twisted. He sobbed in the front row while I read the letter. I'm thankful for those public speaking classes, or else I'm not sure I could have done it.

After the service we went to his sister's house for a reception, and we all got good and drunk. Maybe the funeral offered some closure because the mood felt shifted. Still sad, but maybe stronger? His youngest daughter is still taking this loss pretty hard. She started to get drunkenly sad and FG gave her an (equally drunk) positive pep talk. It was a sweet thing to overhear. There has been a lot of coping, and a lot of healing is left to be done.

I noticed a fascinating dynamic between people during this time. Typically we only see our friends and family on a relatively superficial level, not in a vulnerable state like this. The massive outpouring of love and the swift development of a "lean on each other" mentality has been deeply refreshing to witness.

As for me, I need to get to a yoga class, soon. I'm also looking forward to getting my microwave fixed, figuring out the pond situation, and painting a few more of these dark grey walls. Oh, I'm also considering laser hair removal because the grow-out period between waxes is NOT ideal. I feel like a yeti.