You know what?

You know what? Literally in the last 48 hours I've realized something. Plans are made to be messed up.
If every plan I ever made went through as I thought it would without a hitch, I would be in a very different place, a very different person.

The thing about plans is, they're always changeable. And that's a good thing. We adapt.

See, I made plans for how my life would go a long time ago. Some have gone through to completion, albeit with a few detours, and some have just flat-out tanked. Sometimes, I simply changed my mind. No matter what the journey or the outcome, or how I reacted at the time, I always eventually look back and feel glad that it happened that way.

Sometimes when plans change, the choice is made for you. Sometimes, you make that choice.

Yeah, I had specific plans about how my wedding would go.

But you know what? I chose to change those plans. He may have changed my plans when he chose to propose, but I'm the one who chose to say yes when he asked me to marry him. (As if I had a choice- I don't know if you can call it a choice when every fiber of your being screams, "Hell motherfucking YES!" while all your voice can do is whisper, "Yeah.")

I knew my plans would not be able to stay the same. And that's okay. I'm pretty darn happy with that choice. I chose to adapt my plans to meld with his. I feel like that's part of what marriage is.

And yeah I had a moment of pity when I got overwhelmed and thought back about my plans. About the traditional things you do to prepare for a wedding. When I think about it a little more, I don't really care about going through the motions. I think it's mostly about missing him, and nothing can change that.

Because you know what? I'm thrilled to be planning my simple little courthouse wedding, with my simple lace dress, with my favorite people in the world around me, and my "something blue" by my side. I'm so damn excited I can hardly stand it. I get to marry him.

I don't feel like I'm missing anything. If all the other stuff happens, like when we "plan" to have a big wedding in a couple years, that's cool. If not, that's cool too. It's not a requirement for me. It's just a plan. To be honest, I'm looking forward to living my life with him more than anything else.

I'm starting a new chapter of my life in a few months. That wasn't always the plan. But I'll tell you right now, if given the chance, I wouldn't change any of it.

I really enjoyed this

Organizing my thoughts

Please excuse the SUPER WHINE in the last post.

Suzy, this is why I love you. You tell me when to simplify things when they've gotten out of hand. Bottom line is, I'm going to marry that toot and whatever else happens, happens. 

At the very least, I have decided what I want, and I'm going to do my best to make it happen.

At the top of the list, I want my friends to be at my wedding. We were going to keep it small and just have family there, but regardless if we have a big reception later on, I want my besties by my side on this special day. So the guest list is decided. I have checked with the Justice of the Peace, and there is enough room. Yay!

Next is the date. I have a pretty good idea, just need to fine-tune it.

I made a bunch of calls and got a ton of questions answered, so that actually eases a lot of the stress.

Things are moving along quite swimmingly.

wedded stress

I'm becoming increasingly frustrated with wedding planning.

I'm getting opinions from everybody except who matters most, from all angles, and it's overwhelming. I don't even know what I want anymore! Maybe I need to sit down and figure that out again and go from there.

Regardless, I need to get on the ball. Questions need to be answered before I can continue making these tentative plans. It's like, stress city over here. My sister has been incredibly helpful with logistics, but she can't provide his opinion. I'm getting married to a guy who's just going to suddenly show up for it all. Which is actually pretty accurate. Lucky guy. I want to just show up too! (Haha.)

And since we hardly talk, I'm scared that we won't be on the same page about important things like finances and the future, and you know, normal shit people talk about before they get married. I know we'll figure it out eventually, but it's just kinda hanging over my head.

It's exciting because he's coming home and I'm planning my wedding, but at the same time it's making me sad. It's missing something.

I wanted all the traditional fun things that my friends all had. The engagement party, the pictures, the pretty invitations, the registry & the showers...  everyone else gets that period of fun and love and making memories. I'm not trying to compare my life to everyone else's, but I always thought I'd get to experience those things. Honestly, I don't even know if I'll care about that stuff 5 years from now, but it seems overrated until you don't get it.

I know it's not about the wedding; it's about the marriage. I know our marriage will be wonderful, but I can't help but feel like I'm missing out. You know?

I know once the stress of planning is over and he's actually home I'll be over the moon and I won't feel any of these feelings except excitement and I won't care about anything else. That's kinda what he does; erases the stress.

I can't wait for that.
There's nothing a little squeeze from Chris can't fix.

yay payday?

So you all pretty much know that my job sucks and I drag myself out of bed in the morning solely for the paycheck.

So imagine my pending conniption-fit when I go to deposit my paycheck this afternoon after a long-ass day at work and the bank won't take it.

Not to mention it's been a pain in the ass for months since they stopped offering direct deposit because of some computer glitch.

Long story short, after numerous phone calls and over the course of 2.5 hours, I had to end up driving to the bank that my company uses, get them to verify it and cash it (for a $7 charge since I don't have an account there), and take it back to my bank and deposit it.

Can you say bull shit??

If this happens next payday, I don't know what I'm going to do.

I work outtt

Today I exercised.

Rain threatened my nice brisk walk, so instead I did (look familiar, ash?):

Once. One time. Not 3-5. Bitches be crazy.

Then I did about 15 of these:

Felt the burn.

Then I cooled down for a few minutes because I was about to have a heart attack, and did some of these:

Balancing on the ball was fun. I fell off a few times. Glad only the cat was watching.

My day has officially been made