inside

Hey-yo.

Got a minute to sit down and gather some thoughts.

Endoscopy went well. I was dreading it, mostly the part where they numb your throat and you feel like you can't breathe. Happily, they skipped that part this time, woo! They put the mouth guard in and off to sleep I went.

I was sent home with pictures this time. Very cool. The initial discoveries were patchy inflammation in the stomach, as well as the entire esophagus. That's new, and also explains the new type of pain that's been more localized and in my chest.

Same as last time, a bunch of biopsies were taken and I won't know anything solid for a few weeks. Much different than last time is the recovery period. I don't remember anything too bad after the procedure last time, but this time around I was in some serious pain for a couple of days. Swallowing was painful, and the pain in my chest was worse. I think because of the tissue samples that were taken from the esophagus. Ouch.

The other Ouch: it cost $2,000. Which pisses me off because the last one cost maybe $200. Different insurance plans. I chose a high-deductible plan this year because I've been healthy lately. This is coming at a time when things have been very financially tight, and I feel like I can't get ahead. Fortunately I had enough in my HSA to cover it, but it still pisses me off how fucked up our healthcare system is.

Anyway, still trying to take it easy because this new, enhanced pain is slowly going back down to the pain that's become the new normal.

funk a munk

I've felt so off lately.

My health has been iffy, my mind has been scattered, work has been slow, and I've felt... off. Ominous, almost. Like something with the universe is not right or something is poised to be really bad and I can't pinpoint it. I'll literally walk into a room and scan it, waiting to discover some sort of catastrophe, ranging from cat puke on the floor to the roof caving in. It's an awful, nagging feeling that something's about to go horribly wrong and I'm not a fan.

Maybe because things have been so good lately that it's simply time for them to take a downward turn? I'm going to blame this funk on Mercury (in pisces, which may forever leave a bad taste in my mouth) and try not to dwell on it.

I planned to spend tonight soaking my creaky bones in the hotel hot tub, but when I checked the pictures and noticed a pool, I neglected to check to see if it included a hot tub.
It doesn't.
It's too cool and windy to enjoy it the beach mere blocks away, so instead I'm enjoying some wine and a face mask within the confines of a hotel room. All in all, not a terrible trade-off.

Spent last weekend in a balancing act of celebrating Calvin's 6th birthday and reading poetry at Nicole's gravesite. Such a contradiction. Maybe that's contributing to this funk.

Also contributing may be the recent financial inflexibility. It sucks having to tighten the purse strings and I haven't felt like I've had to do this in a long time. Considering taking a weekend job just until I feel flush again.

I know everything works out the way it should, but I'm not feeling confident in any of the decisions I'm making lately.

Come on, universe. Start talking to me again.

slow burn

Scene:
Sitting cross-legged on a barstool, fresh from the lavender epsom salt bath and gooey green face mask. Kitty is on the barstool to my left, having a bath.

This weekend was good.

Sure, there was the normal stuff like laundry and groceries and spending time with the kiddos.

There was also laser hair removal (more on that later), debatably rabid raccoons in the backyard, and Nicole's birthday party. The party involved a few sweet moments like re-creating a photograph, singing happy birthday, and letting helium balloons go, but also involved her grandmother channeling her spirit to say a few messages to her family, which I found massively interesting.

I've found the best way to comfort FG on a tough day is to just spend time with him, so with her birthday coming up I've spent the night at his house a lot lately. Which is fine because he has a huge comfy bed and I sleep pretty well, plus he gets me up early so I'm actually really productive on those days.

However, I do miss being in my own home and being able to relax with a face mask and read a magazine or just chill by myself. But hey, if he can bring me flowers on the regular, I can spend the night with him a few nights a week when he's feeling sad. It all balances out.

Been to yoga at least once a week lately. The focus has been on heart openers, which has made me notice that my right shoulder is super tight. I think it's because I routinely carry my heavy purse/tote bag on that side. I'm not sure I would have noticed it unless I'd been to yoga, so hopefully if I modify how I carry shit around I can avoid any actual injury.

I guess that's all for now.

life, etc.

Oh, hey.
Just sitting at my bar, having a glass of wine.
I was sitting out by the pond but it's too humid out there.
Pumpkin wants to go back outside and beat up the nice neighbor cat that wandered through the yard.

Counting my blessings, in what seems like a handful at at time.

Life has been pretty good.

Work has been steady/kinda slow, which I'm fully embracing because I know how busy it can/will get.

Planning a few trips, to some new places, yeah! Got plane tickets to Atlanta next month, just because they were cheap and we've never been. April involves a trip to Austin, and I believe FG has plans to book a trip to Boston in June. He has it in his head that we're going to take a trip each month. I'm certainly okay with that, as long as we do it economically. Usually my vacations are the "treat yoself" vibe, but if we're taking several this year I've gotta budget. Also in the works is a possible trip to Vegas in July and it looks like Suzy and I will be spending Thanksgiving in Seattle/Vancouver. I also really wanted to go to San Diego this year but we'll see how that works out.

Getting ready for another round of painting. Feeling motivated to finish the main rooms because with each wall, the light bounces around so much more and the mood in the house is lifted. Also testing out pinks in the bathroom. Because I can.

Digestive issues have gotten worse. Like, random attacks of digestive upset followed by pain and general ick. I figured I was getting accidentally glutened but I stopped eating out and can't pinpoint a trigger. I'm scheduled for another endoscopy... which isn't for another few weeks and I'm not looking forward to it, but I figure with my health history, I will likely just have to learn to deal with cameras being periodically poked through my digestive system.
Speaking of, this little ray of sunshine has been floating around the celiac community, and explains a lot actually. Basically there was a study done that found that for those with celiac disease, the good immunity cells are replaced by cells that promote inflammation and a bunch of other non-fun stuff when exposed to gluten.
But. Those types of cells stick around permanently even after you move to a gluten free diet. We're talking joint pain, inflammation in the bowels for no damn reason, and a diminished ability to fight tumor cells and general intestinal infections. So you eat gluten free but still suffer. Hopefully the next step after this discovery is finding a way to reverse or combat it.

Skin. That differin gel is actually making a difference. Way less breakouts. Now I'm mostly dealing with scarring and discoloration from past breakouts, which still doesn't look pretty but at least I can get those eventually lasered off.

Speaking of lasers, I still have to look into laser hair removal. I wanted to wait until most of it grew back from the waxing, and I think I'm about there. So excited thinking about the prospect of never shaving my armpits again. TAKE MY MONEY.

DIY floating planter

One of the main reasons why there were so many holes in the pond liner was because there were a lot of rocks in it. Water pressure combined with the weight of the rocks is enough to puncture it. There were even cinderblocks stacked inside the pond to serve as plant stands for the lily pads, which definitely caused problems.

The pond guy suggested getting floating planters when I get more plants.

You can get them on amazon for 35 bucks, ORRRR you can go to the dollar store and make your own for 3 bucks.

Which I did. With a basket, a pool noodle, and some zip ties. So easy, so cheap, and it actually worked!

Went to the store, got a plant, and plopped it in.
I have to admit I was scared when I stuck it in the pond, but it floats perfectly. The plant should eventually grow over the edge enough to conceal the bright blue color.

health, home, beauty, etc.

Ugh. Lipid panel sucked. It was a huge disappointment, as I've made some long-term positive changes only to see they're getting worse. Well, I'm not getting any younger and I suppose mid-thirties is late enough to start thinking about taking drugs to make sure I don't have a heart attack in a decade. Still, very disappointing. Traitorous body! I give you vegetables!

New oven was installed today, for $75 thanks to this fantastic thing called a home warranty. It's so cool, it looks like a double oven because the microwave opens with a bottom hinge just like an oven door. And it's pretty and it sings at me when it's done. I'm so happy with it! What else can I find that's broken so it can be replaced?

I noticed my curb appeal sucked recently so today I got outside and pulled a bunch of weeds and removed some plants that had died in the freezing weather. Then I noticed the back looking a little overgrown and the next thing I know, there are 8 trash bags full of crap I pulled out of the back yard. It's looking a lot better now, and there are no spots that look appealing to critters looking for a new home. Relieved to report that I encountered zero roaches or snakes or rats, and only walked into 2 spiderwebs. I haven't seen the frog in a while, since the pond was drained and the leaks were "fixed." I half-expected to encounter him in my clean-out, but I didn't. I hope he didn't find a new home because I really like him!

I plan to plant sunflowers along the back fence and slowly fill in the newly empty places with as many flowers as I can. If I can't have a hot tub just yet I'm going to have flowers, darn it.

Finances are a little tighter than I'd like. This new higher mortgage sucks and I actually can't spend money with abandon. I have to PLAN my large purchases and cut back on random Target runs. I'm joking-ish, but even with the purse strings tied a little tighter, I'm trying to plan a couple of trips as cheaply as I can... I have the wanderlust, bad. I have several trips planned but they're all to places I've been before. I want to go to a NEW place.

Been experiencing some really, really shitty acne. All over my cheeks, mostly. So bad I had to buy actual foundation because I can't simply dot concealer over a few spots anymore. Before I go back to the dermatologist to get another expensive prescription that doesn't work, I decided to try that new Differin gel. It got worse for a few weeks, but has actually stated to get better.
"Better" is relative, though, as currently I still have way more acne than I'd like, but I'm encouraged.
In addition, I'm using face masks on a daily basis. Sandi does it and she has flawless skin, so I figured it couldn't hurt.

I could use a long hot bath. You know how clorox makes those toilet scrubbing wands with the disposable pads? They need to make something like that but for bathtubs. I would buy that.

productiveness

Last week was a slow week at work, so I took advantage of that and made a bunch of doctor's appointments.

Finally went in for a checkup, and got some bloodwork done that will actually be on my chart. Curious to see how my lipids look, as my diet has changed drastically over the last year or so. I hardly ever eat red meat or dairy, I eat a ton more veggies and have been taking fish oil consistently. We'll see!

Saw the dentist for an x-ray and cleaning. NO CAVITIES, which has literally never happened. Going to get some surface chips filled but that's no biggie.

Been having some digestive issues, which I attributed to poor diet or accidental glutening. However I've noticed a persistent pain in a localized area over the last few weeks so I figured it would be smart to get it checked out. GI doc wants to do another endoscopy, which I'm not thrilled about, but I suppose is necessary. In the meantime, she prescribed some pills to take (also not thrilled about that but it's short-term), and said to lay off the booze. Surprisingly, I don't mind that. I haven't wanted to drink lately anyway, and when I do it really does irritate my stomach.

Got a lot done paint-wise last week. Look!

Compare that to the previous picture I took:

Brighter and airier, don't you think? The new lights I installed are perfect; they are daylight LEDs and change the whole feel of the room. Very pleased so far. I want to continue this momentum and tackle the grey walls in the main rooms next.