two steps forward

*whew*
ok I feel better now.

Momentary weak moment. Still, it's time to avoid him like the plague. I can't deal with this shit right now.

On to bigger [taller...?] and better things!
I am woman hear me roar!

*shows muscles*

diversions

I've got that familiar feeling that I used to get when I couldn't concentrate because of the hurt. Please, please, please don't stay this way. Make it go away. I've been doing so well lately but all of a sudden it just pounces and grabs ahold out of nowhere and squeezes tight.

Fucking country music and Chevy Silverados and stupid 3am text messages that I wish I never got. Stupid movies about Dale Earnhardt and oatmeal raisin cookies and rocky road ice cream. Damn Cullen College of Engineering and those German beers in the grocery store. I never should have taken that call. No more random memories being triggered by everything! I don't want to be reminded!!

My frame of mind has slipped and I just have to wait it out until I can shift it back to where it belongs.


When you take two steps forward and one step back...
you're still moving ahead.

cute boy-ness

Hmm.
There's this boy.
He is quite nice. and cute.
And I think there may be mutual attraction here.
We'll see.
:o)

best chocolate cake ever

I love chocolate. However, I'm not crazy for chocolate cake or chocolate icing.
But.
There's this cake.
It's so wonderfully delicious that I can't possibly stop at one piece. It's divine.

An ex-boyfriend's mom used to make it, and I have no idea where she got the recipe, but one day I asked her for it and today I was going through and found it. I've never actually made it myself, I always just ate hers.

I'm going to a party tonight and I promised Akh I'd bring some sort of sugary wonderfulness so I figured I'd give it a shot. Lately I've been substituting butter for that stuff that's supposed to make your cholesterol go down, eggs with egg beaters, whole grain flour, etc etc. But this time I didn't.

OH. MY. GOD. No words.

I feel like I must share this incredible artery-clogging diabetic coma straight-to-your-hips chocolate-y masterpiece with the blogging world. So here it is:

Best Chocolate Cake Ever

Ingredients:
1 c. water
2 sticks butter or margarine
4 T. cocoa
2 c. flour
2 c. sugar
1/4 t. salt
2 beaten eggs
1 t. baking soda
1/2 c. buttermilk
1 t. vanilla
1 t. cinnamon

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
Boil water, butter and cocoa. Let it cool for few minutes.
Mix flour, sugar, salt. Combine cocoa mixture with dry mixture.
Add eggs, baking soda, buttermilk, vanilla and cinnamon.
Bake for 20-40 minutes in a 13x9 pan. (mine was ready right around 25-30 min)

Icing:
Heat 1 stick butter, 4 T. cocoa, 6 T. milk but do NOT let it boil. Once it's all dissolved, add in 1 box (this was vague, I added about 3 1/2 cups) powdered sugar and 1 T. vanilla.

Pour this warm mixture over the still-warm cake.

Once it cools it gets this delightful layer of thin sugar crust and the icing's soaked into the cake so it's incredibly moist.

I had to beat my mom and brother off of it until it cooled... haha.


Enjoy!

pondering love

I can always tell when my sister hangs out in my room: the telltale signs include the futon cover being torn off, the TV set to some crappy countdown on VH1, candy wrappers next to my empty candy dish, and various other little messes here and there. I can rag on her all I want, but the truth is, it's kind of comforting.

So anyways, that little note aside, the real reason I logged on.

I've been thinking a lot, obviously. After all these emotional events going on lately, what with having talks with Rob and this thing with C and other guys that have come and gone, each with appropriate heartache and non-heartache...

My question is this: If you can 'get over' someone, does it mean you never really loved them as much as you thought you did?
Or does it just mean you have a healthy grasp of reality and not some movie-script idea of love?

I mean, because when you're in love with someone, or at least when you think you are, they're amazing and you can't see yourself not loving them. Then when you have to get over them, you find the strength until they're not really a part of your life anymore. I mean, it kinda HAS to be that way in order for you to get over them.

So when you stop thinking about them every day and it doesn't bother you if they're dating someone else, and you don't have any angry or bitter feelings towards them, you're actually happy for them, and you can have lunch with them and not have the urge to kiss them, and you don't feel that ache of lost love when you see them, they've become someone not as special.

How does someone you love like no other become someone that isn't even necessary in every day life, doesn't make your heart ache when you can't have them?
It's hard to justify those feelings I once had when now they aren't there anymore. They were real, I know they were. They're just... changed maybe.

I suppose I just change the romantic type of love into something more acceptable. But it still bothers me. Will there ever be a person where I can't transfer these feelings? Is that "true love?"

There really is no way to tell, is there?
But even while I toss this turmoil around, as each day passes I get more confident that things are gunna be all right.

let them eat cake

I made a cake for Mitch in celebration of his two years sober anniversary. He requested a copy of a birthday cake I made a year or so ago: yellow cake with a layer of vanilla pudding in the middle, standard white birthday cake frosting. I decorated it with chocolate chips and made the AA symbol, I think he'll like it. I was mad because I couldn't find the cake platter I normally use and the only thing I could find was a big round plate. *shrug* he won't notice!

Here's a pic:

Of course now I don't want to eat it because I licked the bowl, had a taste of the pudding AND the frosting, and it's just overload on the sweetness. But I betcha it's yummy.

Wii-ness!

Dude. That newfangled Wii is FUN.
http://www.youtube.com/jacobithegreat