emotion-what

Today was unexpected. I've been doing very well, emotionally. More good days than bad.

I was okay until the photographer arrived and started taking pictures for the real estate listing. Suddenly, it seemed like a lot to handle. I texted Ash that I was having a hard time, hoping to get some words of encouragement. I took a few deep breaths and sucked it up, then Helen (realtor extraordinaire) showed up and we started fine-tuning everything so that the photographs would look good.

Then it got to be too much again. People were in my house re-arranging bits of my home, my life, to make it look appealing to other people.

When we bought the house 4 years ago, I expected that we'd sell it under very different circumstances. It suddenly seemed so real and huge and out of control, and a huge wave of emotions hit me.

So I started crying. Right in front of the photographer, who handled it all like a man who was uncomfortable that a woman was crying, and he kept taking photos. I felt bad for the poor guy but I couldn't help it. Thankfully Helen is very understanding and sweet. Plus she knows what's going on so she wasn't completely blindsided.

Fortunately, at the moment when I doubted that I was going to be able to compose myself, Ashley and Mom walked up to the front door. A simple text message like a bat signal, and 20 minutes later they were there. I really can't put into words how thankful I am for them.... at that moment and a million others.

With their help, the photographer was able to complete his job, minus one weeping homeowner.

After he left, I went to lunch with mom and ash, and pulled a page out of Elle Woods' handbook and got a mani pedi.

I still don't know what made today so hard. I'm really at a place where I know my relationship with Chris is over and that sucks but is ultimately a good thing.

Maybe it was because this big life change that I never wanted is actually moving forward? Up until now it was all talk and planning. Now it's becoming real. Maybe because I expect the house to sell and I don't have a real solid plan about where I'm going to live next?

Either way, I don't expect to be able to explain all of my emotional routes during this process.

Some days will simply suck.

I do have to say, once again I am thankful for waterproof mascara. That stuff didn't BUDGE even during a solid cry.