What I didn't expect was to experience anxiety. Not from the physical effects of glutening. Because I was alone in my house with no distractions. I usually do not suffer from FOMO, but I was feeling it, bad. I was really looking forward to dinner with some old colleagues and late night partying at my sister's. I was wearing a new maxi dress and feelin' myself. Gluten had other plans, as it usually does.
I've been busy every single day/ evening for several weeks. Dinner plans, dates, brunch, working late, activities, etc.
When I was forced to be alone and quiet, I started to pay attention to my thoughts. I thought I was doing well, all things considered. I have been attempting to adapt, but maybe I haven't been addressing some important things. I think I have been using distractions to cope. Which is normal, but I didn't realize I was doing it. Dang my sneaky mind.
There have been 4 offers on the house, I think. They've all kinda blurred together. Three have fallen through and each one has been emotionally charged. I've been rolling with it the best I can.
With this latest offer, I'm less optimistic that it will go through. But I accepted anyway. They want the fridge and washer and dryer. Which is no big deal, but it pulled at an unexpected heartstring. Chris made a big deal about buying me that washer and dryer. It hurts a little bit to give them up.
A strange thing to be sentimental about, but it's there. I remember sitting in front of the brand new washer just after we moved in, and watching the cycle. I was skeptical that the high efficiency washer that used so little water could get clothes clean. Chris took a picture and posted it to facebook with a cute caption. That was back when we were happy. Such a strong memory attached to that washing machine, and last week I exhaustedly agreed to give it to a stranger who might get to live in our house and wash their clothes in it.
It's a washing machine. It shouldn't mean so much. But it does.
I don't need to figure out all the "whys" right now. I think acknowledging these strange emotions helps a lot though. I'm upset at the thought of losing the washer and dryer because I have a strong memory associated with them.
Which is why it's probably a good thing to let them go.
In addition, I think I've been using dating apps and this cute customer to distract me from my ultimate goal of being okay with just me.
I noticed last weekend when I didn't get a text back from cute customer* I felt a little down. Yeah, it's been a nice way to move on, but I'm finding myself falling into the same pattern of seeking validation from others.
I've been handling this whole process as best I can, but I really eventually want to reach that level where I'm not dependent on anyone else for my inner peace and happiness. It's so easy to latch onto the positive feedback from others, but that's not really what it's about. Because when that positive feedback ceases, I'm left with a void and I feel bad about myself.
I fall into that pattern so easily. I have to make an active effort to shift my focus and that's going to be an ongoing process.
Thinking about seeking a therapist again, just to help direct this focus. My boss suggested this great employee assistance program, and I think I might check it out.
Oh. Also. My work laptop won't turn on. Sure, why not?
*Cute customer is technically the blood bank supervisor and not directly my customer but... there's that grey area... but I keep using that term to describe him because it has nice alliteration.
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