life, etc.

Oh, hey.
Just sitting at my bar, having a glass of wine.
I was sitting out by the pond but it's too humid out there.
Pumpkin wants to go back outside and beat up the nice neighbor cat that wandered through the yard.

Counting my blessings, in what seems like a handful at at time.

Life has been pretty good.

Work has been steady/kinda slow, which I'm fully embracing because I know how busy it can/will get.

Planning a few trips, to some new places, yeah! Got plane tickets to Atlanta next month, just because they were cheap and we've never been. April involves a trip to Austin, and I believe FG has plans to book a trip to Boston in June. He has it in his head that we're going to take a trip each month. I'm certainly okay with that, as long as we do it economically. Usually my vacations are the "treat yoself" vibe, but if we're taking several this year I've gotta budget. Also in the works is a possible trip to Vegas in July and it looks like Suzy and I will be spending Thanksgiving in Seattle/Vancouver. I also really wanted to go to San Diego this year but we'll see how that works out.

Getting ready for another round of painting. Feeling motivated to finish the main rooms because with each wall, the light bounces around so much more and the mood in the house is lifted. Also testing out pinks in the bathroom. Because I can.

Digestive issues have gotten worse. Like, random attacks of digestive upset followed by pain and general ick. I figured I was getting accidentally glutened but I stopped eating out and can't pinpoint a trigger. I'm scheduled for another endoscopy... which isn't for another few weeks and I'm not looking forward to it, but I figure with my health history, I will likely just have to learn to deal with cameras being periodically poked through my digestive system.
Speaking of, this little ray of sunshine has been floating around the celiac community, and explains a lot actually. Basically there was a study done that found that for those with celiac disease, the good immunity cells are replaced by cells that promote inflammation and a bunch of other non-fun stuff when exposed to gluten.
But. Those types of cells stick around permanently even after you move to a gluten free diet. We're talking joint pain, inflammation in the bowels for no damn reason, and a diminished ability to fight tumor cells and general intestinal infections. So you eat gluten free but still suffer. Hopefully the next step after this discovery is finding a way to reverse or combat it.

Skin. That differin gel is actually making a difference. Way less breakouts. Now I'm mostly dealing with scarring and discoloration from past breakouts, which still doesn't look pretty but at least I can get those eventually lasered off.

Speaking of lasers, I still have to look into laser hair removal. I wanted to wait until most of it grew back from the waxing, and I think I'm about there. So excited thinking about the prospect of never shaving my armpits again. TAKE MY MONEY.

DIY floating planter

One of the main reasons why there were so many holes in the pond liner was because there were a lot of rocks in it. Water pressure combined with the weight of the rocks is enough to puncture it. There were even cinderblocks stacked inside the pond to serve as plant stands for the lily pads, which definitely caused problems.

The pond guy suggested getting floating planters when I get more plants.

You can get them on amazon for 35 bucks, ORRRR you can go to the dollar store and make your own for 3 bucks.

Which I did. With a basket, a pool noodle, and some zip ties. So easy, so cheap, and it actually worked!

Went to the store, got a plant, and plopped it in.
I have to admit I was scared when I stuck it in the pond, but it floats perfectly. The plant should eventually grow over the edge enough to conceal the bright blue color.

health, home, beauty, etc.

Ugh. Lipid panel sucked. It was a huge disappointment, as I've made some long-term positive changes only to see they're getting worse. Well, I'm not getting any younger and I suppose mid-thirties is late enough to start thinking about taking drugs to make sure I don't have a heart attack in a decade. Still, very disappointing. Traitorous body! I give you vegetables!

New oven was installed today, for $75 thanks to this fantastic thing called a home warranty. It's so cool, it looks like a double oven because the microwave opens with a bottom hinge just like an oven door. And it's pretty and it sings at me when it's done. I'm so happy with it! What else can I find that's broken so it can be replaced?

I noticed my curb appeal sucked recently so today I got outside and pulled a bunch of weeds and removed some plants that had died in the freezing weather. Then I noticed the back looking a little overgrown and the next thing I know, there are 8 trash bags full of crap I pulled out of the back yard. It's looking a lot better now, and there are no spots that look appealing to critters looking for a new home. Relieved to report that I encountered zero roaches or snakes or rats, and only walked into 2 spiderwebs. I haven't seen the frog in a while, since the pond was drained and the leaks were "fixed." I half-expected to encounter him in my clean-out, but I didn't. I hope he didn't find a new home because I really like him!

I plan to plant sunflowers along the back fence and slowly fill in the newly empty places with as many flowers as I can. If I can't have a hot tub just yet I'm going to have flowers, darn it.

Finances are a little tighter than I'd like. This new higher mortgage sucks and I actually can't spend money with abandon. I have to PLAN my large purchases and cut back on random Target runs. I'm joking-ish, but even with the purse strings tied a little tighter, I'm trying to plan a couple of trips as cheaply as I can... I have the wanderlust, bad. I have several trips planned but they're all to places I've been before. I want to go to a NEW place.

Been experiencing some really, really shitty acne. All over my cheeks, mostly. So bad I had to buy actual foundation because I can't simply dot concealer over a few spots anymore. Before I go back to the dermatologist to get another expensive prescription that doesn't work, I decided to try that new Differin gel. It got worse for a few weeks, but has actually stated to get better.
"Better" is relative, though, as currently I still have way more acne than I'd like, but I'm encouraged.
In addition, I'm using face masks on a daily basis. Sandi does it and she has flawless skin, so I figured it couldn't hurt.

I could use a long hot bath. You know how clorox makes those toilet scrubbing wands with the disposable pads? They need to make something like that but for bathtubs. I would buy that.

productiveness

Last week was a slow week at work, so I took advantage of that and made a bunch of doctor's appointments.

Finally went in for a checkup, and got some bloodwork done that will actually be on my chart. Curious to see how my lipids look, as my diet has changed drastically over the last year or so. I hardly ever eat red meat or dairy, I eat a ton more veggies and have been taking fish oil consistently. We'll see!

Saw the dentist for an x-ray and cleaning. NO CAVITIES, which has literally never happened. Going to get some surface chips filled but that's no biggie.

Been having some digestive issues, which I attributed to poor diet or accidental glutening. However I've noticed a persistent pain in a localized area over the last few weeks so I figured it would be smart to get it checked out. GI doc wants to do another endoscopy, which I'm not thrilled about, but I suppose is necessary. In the meantime, she prescribed some pills to take (also not thrilled about that but it's short-term), and said to lay off the booze. Surprisingly, I don't mind that. I haven't wanted to drink lately anyway, and when I do it really does irritate my stomach.

Got a lot done paint-wise last week. Look!

Compare that to the previous picture I took:

Brighter and airier, don't you think? The new lights I installed are perfect; they are daylight LEDs and change the whole feel of the room. Very pleased so far. I want to continue this momentum and tackle the grey walls in the main rooms next.

Hey, house goals.

One of my major goals this year is to complete a bunch of little house projects.

First up I have to get a better light flow going on in here. There is not enough natural light in this house to justify the medium grey in every room, and the other predominant color is an ugly muddy green.

I like the light to bounce around a room and I'm not down with these moody dreary colors. I need it to be light and airy and cheerful.

On a related note, the overhead lighting is severely (and strangely) limited in the living room... and bathrooms... and guest room.

So, my immediate goals are to
1. Slowly paint each room a lighter color
2. Get some better lighting.

Since I have no real direction and picking out paint colors can be tedious, I'm going to start with my tried-and-true paint color Benjamin Moore Wheat Sheaf. 
(My realtor recommended it a few years ago and I loved it in my last house). If it doesn't look good in a particular spot I will re-evaluate from there.

I've already painted the front room and hall. The contrast between the background and the foreground in the picture below is huge:

Next up, the bar. I started priming and it's coming along nicely. I also plan to declutter the shelves to maximize the effect of the giant mirror [aka pare down the million random wine glasses]. I also am loving those new barstools.

Lighting: A bunch of daylight LED retrofit light kits are on their way here and I can't wait to pop those babies in. Also going to find some light kits for the (light-less) ceiling fans and install a light over the bathtub. A new, lower-profile light fixture will go into the craft/game/yoga room. Another outdoor security light will go on the side of the house. Basically, I'm all about the lights right now.

P.S. Security cameras are awesome. How did I ever live without this level of scrutiny?

2018 to 2019

Let's see, January is almost over, because that's how things go. But there's never a bad time for reflection.

Overall, 2018 was a great year, especially compared to the previous few years that were so rocky and just plain hard. I have developed a lot of little good habits that have completely transformed some areas of my life.

2018 was my year, the year I finally pulled myself up. I feel like I'm standing on top of the mountain with my arms raised, going, "FUCK YEAH."

You know, kinda like this.

I think the most valuable thing I did was focus on being present and finding joy in the moment. Because even during the darkest times, that little bit of light goes such a long way, and once it's a habit it becomes part of how you think and who you are.

Yoga certainly helped; it has served as a little mini re-set many times. Definitely going to continue this practice. It's plain good for my body and mind.

Starting off so far in 2019, I feel strong, happy, sturdy, and capable. I feel lighter, both inside and out. I'm not carrying any unnecessary burdens. (More on that later)

My goals for 2019 are not that different from what they have been, and are mostly integrated into my daily life already:

-Eat veggies with every meal (even breakfast).
-Continue with self-care and simplification. Check in with myself often to see what I need, mentally and physically and in my surroundings.
-Be consciously kind.

I want to travel some more this year, and I have a few house projects I want to complete.

That's about it. Like my mom said, 2017 felt like a year of setting up, 2018 was a year of changes, and 2019 doesn't feel like it has to be a year of anything monumental. It feels like it kinda just wants to slow down, flow and continue. Let's see where it goes.

reflections

Sitting on my couch while the cat takes a bath next to me. Candle burning in the salt rock thing. Empty glass of wine, full bottle of kombucha. Fridge full of veggies.

I haven't been home much in the last couple of weeks. If I wasn't working, I was at FG's house, helping however I could. There is so much stress involved with planning a funeral, on top of dealing with grief. Such a horrible thing.

It was an emotional weekend. Friday they were able to see her body, and it was especially difficult. Makeup can only cover so much and the abuse from her attacker was very evident on her face and no one was ready for that. I don't know how they all went in there to see her; I've always felt super creeped out by open caskets and corpses, but maybe I'd feel differently if it was my last chance to see my loved one.

Then the funeral. ALL THE FEELS. It was an absolutely sweet and beautiful service. She was cremated and placed in a pink urn and there were flowers and pictures everywhere. FG asked me to read a letter that he wrote to his daughter, and there was not a single dry eye in that room. His words grabbed hold of your heart and twisted. He sobbed in the front row while I read the letter. I'm thankful for those public speaking classes, or else I'm not sure I could have done it.

After the service we went to his sister's house for a reception, and we all got good and drunk. Maybe the funeral offered some closure because the mood felt shifted. Still sad, but maybe stronger? His youngest daughter is still taking this loss pretty hard. She started to get drunkenly sad and FG gave her an (equally drunk) positive pep talk. It was a sweet thing to overhear. There has been a lot of coping, and a lot of healing is left to be done.

I noticed a fascinating dynamic between people during this time. Typically we only see our friends and family on a relatively superficial level, not in a vulnerable state like this. The massive outpouring of love and the swift development of a "lean on each other" mentality has been deeply refreshing to witness.

As for me, I need to get to a yoga class, soon. I'm also looking forward to getting my microwave fixed, figuring out the pond situation, and painting a few more of these dark grey walls. Oh, I'm also considering laser hair removal because the grow-out period between waxes is NOT ideal. I feel like a yeti.