cannonball

Among my first thoughts this morning was, "Please let this week end already." It's been a very long, tiring week. Then, I realized that this weekend is not going to be much better. Or the next week. It's just going to be the same old shit.

It's so counter-intuitive. I don't know why, but I'm just drawn to him. Something about it. Through all the shit I've never wanted to leave. There's always been that spark that never dies out.

He can't be in a relationship right now. He's got to get his life in order. There's no point in staying in this crappy relationship so we should break up. We have.

The hard part is, neither of us want to break up. We just don't see any alternative. He wants me to wait until he's got his shit together but I can't do that again. It's torture pseudo-being with someone you love. It's gotta be all or nothing. I can't be miserable like that again.

If I decide to give it another shot some point down the road, what is it that's making me feel, deep down, that one day we'll get it right? Why do I have hope for something that seems so hopeless?

I'm fighting... for what?

There's part of me that has been thinking a lot lately that maybe it's just time to move on. Try and leave this all behind me and start fresh.
It's something I'd have to force myself to do, because usually when a relationship ends I'm ready for it to end. Not this time.

I don't know what the best answer is. Right now I feel like I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't.

This is not a romantic movie where love conquers all and everyone's happy in the end. This is real life.
I just know what has to be done, what has been done, and I have to make the best of it.