07 November 2009

inner peace

You know how sometimes life just kinda swoops you away and you're going along, and all of a sudden you stop, have a moment and realize just how damn happy you are?

Yeah. Having one of those.

Been having those a lot recently. I'll be driving home from school frustrated and exhausted and I'll stop at a stoplight and the thought will pop into my head, "I'm so happy." For no reason at all.

I don't know why. From the outside looking in I'm barely keeping my head afloat in a hurricane of schoolwork. Even my dreams are anxious. I have to actively sacrifice sleep and energy to fit my friends and family into my schedule. The other day I had studied all day for a test the next day and was about to go to sleep when Luke came into my room asking for chemistry help. I was tired, and I could have snapped at him for asking so late, but instead I just said yes and we worked on it for about an hour and a half. I was tired the next day, but I didn't regret it.

I don't know why, but I have a heightened sense of appreciation lately. For the things most of us take for granted on a day-to-day basis. I've been letting go of the piddly details that would normally frustrate me, and I'm looking at the big picture. Maybe it's because I'm surrounded by cancer patients. Maybe the lack of sleep and brain strain is making me crazy. Maybe my way of coping with this strenuous schedule is thinking about how much worse it could be. Maybe I'm just aware that I'm blessed with understanding friends and an awesome family. Whatever it is, it's keeping me at peace right now.

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