big D

Last week was... catalytic?

It's hard to find the words to describe the definitive start of events that will change the course of the rest of my life. 

Because I've fought this.

Divorce. That word hangs in the air like a noxious cloud. I feel labeled. I hate it and want to shake it off my shoulders.

Through thick and thin, I've loved him. That's marriage to me. That's why I fought fiercely with everything I had and trudged through the limbo for so long. It was such a shame to watch this beautiful thing crumble as I struggled in vain to hold it together.

I reflect on all of this. [Talk about an opportunity for personal growth.]

I am allowing myself to mourn this magnificent loss one small step at a time. What a luxury.

I know that I love someone who isn't there anymore and he won't be coming back. I accept that. It's weird trying to reconcile all of those feelings while picking myself up and moving on. I've got my share of regrets. 

This process is not a straight line. It's curvy and twirly and one moment I'm confident and self-assured, and the next I find myself sobbing as I'm brushing my teeth. I'm investing in a solid waterproof mascara because I know the next few months are going to be... unpredictable.

BUT. At this point I know there is nothing else I can do, and with every stumble I stand up straighter and I'm noticing a small feeling of closure.

This finally feels right. It's a breath of bitterly fresh air to admit that.

There's no going back. And I'm one hundred percent okay with that.