31 May 2013

on death... and life.

I have a zit on the tip of my nose. Not cool.

Drinking wine, thinking about eating the salad or the waffles. I want the waffles, but then I have nothing for breakfast kuz I sure as hell aint eating salad tomorrow morning. Merp.

The plan is to get up and go grocery shopping, but I have a eye doctor's appointment and it's pretty safe to assume that I won't be getting up early enough to accomplish that. I've got a container full of bath salts from the Romanian Salt Mines that will also definitely be getting used tonight.

The trip to California was bittersweet. Good to see my dad, but sad circumstances. I keep seeing the sad look on his face when we pulled out of the driveway to leave. I saw that look several times during our trip, way more often than I usually do. He held it together pretty well but we still noticed the moments of sadness.

It helped seeing her ashes on the box on the shelf. I haven't seen her in years, but it was hard to imagine her just gone. Seeing the reality made it easier to accept. Something concrete- more than just a thought. Oh, my heart still aches for my dad. If it were me I'm pretty sure I'd hug those ashes from time to time, at least until they bury them.

Parentals just got back from Romania. They had a blast, and tonight I sampled the cheese & wine they bought from peasants while listening to their stories.

I plan to make a box this weekend and place in it all of the things that would be helpful in the event I die. This past week I watched dad & her son trying to figure out how to pay bills & find out where her storage unit was, etc. It made me want to have all of these things compiled in an easy place. I don't want Chris wondering how to pay the water bill if I suddenly drop dead.

A friend of my parents has worked his whole life, saving up for the day when he can retire and buy a house with some land, fly his airplane, and have some fun. A few years back he suffered a stroke, and tonight I learned that he has slowly declined, and is currently in diapers with a full-time caregiver. They have to nail the windows shut because he keeps trying to get out and he's not of sound mind.

My mom said, you can't live your life saving up for that. You have to live while you can because you never know when it will be gone- when your health will decline, or your spouse will die, and suddenly the future changes. How fitting, that they just came back from a trip to Romania. She's taking her own advice and I'm so fucking happy that she won't have those kind of regrets.

I haven't been UNhappy, but I haven't been happy. I don't exactly love my life in that state it is in now. Since I married Chris, we've essentially been waiting for the rest of our lives to begin. Something I do believe that you should never do, yet I've been doing it for years. I suppose it's logical to assume that you will live your lives together after you marry someone, and it's been difficult to separate the social expectation from reality.

Many times I wish I'd just moved out to Hawaii with Chris in the very beginning, even though it wasn't responsible. Even back then I thought, "Fuck responsible. At least I'd be happy." But planning for the future always won. Planning for the future is nice, but it doesn't make it worth it if you drop dead tomorrow.

No, I won't be making any drastic changes. I have a great job and it's too late to make any large changes now. I suppose I've just been pissed at myself for doing the responsible thing instead of being young and spontaneous and happy. I'm sure it will pay off in the long run, or else I wouldn't have done it. I've just gotten a very large does of a different perspective lately.

Wealp. The wine is gone. Time for that bath. 

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