nightcap

When I try to think back to what it was like living alone, I can't remember it. It's all become part of the pre-Chris blur. To the time when I dreamed of infinitely better days. When I believed in infinitely better days.

How was I to know what the future held? How can I know what the future holds? Reality shifts so seamlessly.

At the moment I find it unbearable to be in this house alone. Like I can't be trusted.

Which is why I was so grateful that my sister chose tonight to host a few girls over at her place. And I drove an unfamiliar vehicle home after an unreasonable amount of drinks. But, it's so incredibly therapeutic. And, so much healthier... mentally. I don't know if I'll ever be comfortable like this again. But, again, reality shifts so seamlessly, and I have a long time to adjust.

How will I feel when it's over? How will I look back at this? I suppose in 21 days I'll have a better idea. I feel like it's some kind of test.

In the meantime I try to interpret mixed messages, and I keep my phone close by just in case.

P.S. this is pretty.