22 June 2016

surprise?

I went and surprised myself.

After being lost for so long, I'm starting to feel like me again. Except, an improved version.

I feel more collected. More sturdy. Stronger, now that I'm not being beat down from every angle, real or imagined. Now that I'm not second-guessing and over-analyzing everything, except a text message here and there. I've been able to let my guard down and heal a bit. This time away from him has been good for me.

I still don't know what will happen. Right now I'm all about me and I'm loving that. I forget how much I love being independent. Yes, I do get lonely, but it's my choice to stay lonely or go out and seek company. The difference is that this time, I'm not hesitant to go out and seek company.

These past few weeks have been so easy and it would to be extremely difficult to go back. It would be so much easier to let it all go and live my life. It would be so hard to try and fix these problems, to merge our lives again, to swallow pride, to forgive, to let go of the ugly stuff.

I still have not decided if it's worth it-- I don't know if I've been hurt too much and there's no going forward. I don't know if I want to be with someone who makes me feel like I'm not good enough- whether it's intended or not.

IF we can be good, I want it. If it's going to continue to suck, I don't need it. I can't do it.

I still don't know if he has even decided if it's worth it. He may feel like things are better without me. And as much as that stings, it's okay for him to feel that way.

Yes, a big fat giant limbo is still here, but damn I feel so much better about the outcome that I was dreading. I'm not afraid of it. Now, I find that I'm dreading the opposite.

How's that for some irony?


P.S. I got my evaluation at work today and my boss gave me nothing but glowing praise. Even through this hard time, I still manage to rock the workplace party.

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