03 October 2009

wah wah

You know how a couple of weeks ago I mentioned I was stressed and would probably cry soon? Well, I never did until last night.

I was pissed off about something unrelated to school, and I called Chris to get out of the house. I went over there and started to heat up a frozen dinner while bitching to him about what I was mad about. Well, he disagreed and told me to be more understanding about the whole thing. First of all, I am a very understanding person and I felt I was justified to be pissed off.

For some reason that was the tipping point. I've been sleep-deprived and brain-stuffed for a few weeks now. My unknown in lab took longer than I thought, was more stressful than I thought, and I left school feeling strung out with a bad headache. Then I came home, got pissed off on top of things, then I got criticized by the one person who I thought would back me up.

I had my back to him in the kitchen, and he was on the couch in the living room. I could feel the frustration and the urge to cry start creeping up, but I didn't want to start bawling over something stupid in the middle of his kitchen. I'm more of a private crier. So, I tried to vent and calm down by flinging and slamming things around in the kitchen.

1. I don't know if anyone else is this way, but if I'm about to cry I can hold back tears, take a few deep breaths and wait for it to pass- unless someone asks what's wrong. I don't know, it's like those words automatically make me cry.
2. I can also usually avoid crying if I can keep my mouth closed and I don't have to speak. If I open my mouth and try to talk, it will always come out shaky and high-pitched like I'm about to cry, and then of course I do.

So, of course, my little tantrum in the kitchen provokes Chris to ask me a question, to which I don't respond otherwise I would violate rule #2. Then, my silence provokes him to ask the dreaded rule # 1 question. Goddammit.

I really tried hard not to, but I started crying (as quietly as possible). Even with my back to him I knew by then that I had his attention and he was wondering why the fuck I was crying while stirring my meal.

So, I cried and blubbered a little bit. The thing is, I felt like I could cry for a long time. It wasn't one of those quick, "have a cry and feel better" moments. However, I wasn't going to sit there and have a long cry in Chris' living room and freak him out even more, so I sucked it up.

So, after my unsatisfying crying session, I have a feeling in the near future something small and insignificant will set me off again. Joy.

On an unrelated note, the breast cancer walk was kinda cool. I kinda want to get a big group together next year and wear t-shirts that say something funny and witty about boobs. Oh yeah, and raise money for the Susan G. Komen organization.

2 comments:

  1. Dude, I'm like you are with crying! Well, not since I'm on birth control. I need to switch brands. The crap I'm has seriously messed with a lot of stuff (like getting rashes from the sun... WTF!). But anyway.... BEFORE I use to build up my crys for a long while. But even then I had such a hard time getting them out. So when it was time to have that good cry I would watch this old movie called Love Story. The very end of that movie is just plain sad and it never failed to get me balling.

    Oddly enough, one thing I've always done is not cry, but get teary eyed at peak points of production type events. Like watching the opening of the Olympics when they light the torch or during the grand finale of any show. Is that so stupid? I don't get it.

    I hope your able to finally get that cry out in a more convenient place!

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  2. boo! i'm the same way when it comes to crying. i hate the "what's wrong?" question. sounds like someone needs to come over for dinner. i need to practice my GF cooking again. it's been too long! you can come over here and cry all you want. heck, i'll cry with you!

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