11 October 2009

wishing

I wish I had the means to jet away to California whenever I wanted to.
Even when it's deliciously rainy and chilly and calm here.
I always want to run away to the west coast whenever I start to hate my life here. As if my problems couldn't possibly catch up with me 15oo miles away. Wouldn't it be nice?

Do I feel a huge amount of resentment that the main problem I'd like to run away from gets to be there, tainting my oasis? Is that fate or just cruel fucking irony? I wish I had that figured out.

I wish I wasn't so exhausted.

Even though I'm working really hard towards a goal and in the long run I like what I'm doing, I feel like I'm just on autopilot: learn the material, take a test. Every single day like a broken record. It's a necessary thing; you have to learn what you're doing before you can apply it.
I just wish I felt like I had a purpose on a day-to-day basis. It's been a long time since I felt like I've contributed anything to someone else's life, and it makes me feel useless.

I wish I was able to spend more time with my friends. There is just not enough time in the day and not very much energy in my bones when I do have the time. At least next week will be my last week with 3 exams. It starts to become more manageable after that and I will be able to breathe.

Do I nap? Or do I try to recreate a GF version of those pumpkin tarts Missy brought over yesterday?

Oh- and I decided to send my grandma flowers- sorry Tony, the rollerblades will have to wait till Christmas.

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