it hit me

I am so tired of feeling like I'm trekking through my day-to-day life alone. No one by my side, no one to count on.

There's that little bit of loneliness, heavy in the pit of my core. Small, but noticeable.

The thing is, I know there are people I can count on. Friends, family, they're there for me. If I choose to let them.

Unable to let to and be vulnerable.

No, not unable. Unable to trust enough to let go. I feel like I can't count on anyone for they might not prove themselves true. Screw me over when I least expect it. The only one I can count on is myself. I've seen this lesson firsthand, and all around me in the lives of people I know.

I trust people physically, but I have a hard time trusting people emotionally and opening up. Just the phrase "talk about your feelings" makes me cringe a little inside. It's not my thing.

Looking back, there's always been hesitation.
I've always paused when reaching that point of bonding with someone. When you cross the line from casual into personal. Thought about whether or not I wanted to go there.
I try to skim the surface and not get myself in too deep.
I've always been that way.

I've also always been the happy one. The slide-off-my-back, no worries, look on the bright side kind of attitude. The "love will conquer all" person. I believed in happy endings. I saw the good in everyone, and gave the benefit of the doubt. I forgave without reservations.

What happened?

I have to face reality because at the end of the day that's all that there is. It makes for less of a disappointment when the fantasies come crashing down.
Don't build them up: don't have to watch them fall.

It's a hard lesson to learn. It changes you. Makes you think differently about the world and your place in it. You're more careful with who you trust and open up to. You're more realistic about your expectations.

It just seems like such a waste to live life, though. Never hoping for those fantastic moments. Never truly connecting with someone and giving them your all.

I see other people happy in their dreams come true. Sometimes I feel like the grass might be greener on the other side. Sometimes I feel like maybe I could have that too, in time.