Just sayin

It's been almost exactly two years since I said goodbye to Chris and he left for basic training.

Since then, a lot has happened. I didn't know how I would handle it, but somehow I have. The worst was Afghanistan. Turns out, that was a lot like having an elephant sitting on your chest for 8 months. A heavy, constant distraction. I never want to re-live how I felt when he was deployed. The split second that I caught a glimpse of camouflage on my floor that Thursday afternoon, it all evaporated. I felt so light and airy. Then, in what seemed like a split second later, he was gone and I was left with a shiny promise on my finger.

I never expected to be engaged and lonely. I think that's part of the reason I didn't want all this to happen until after Chris came home. I wanted to enjoy these important life milestones, not spend them in various stages of missing-ness.

When people ask, I say that I miss him but eventually quip that you get used to it. The truth is, I don't ever get used to it. It's just something to say that's more socially acceptable than, "it's in the back of my mind every second," then there's an awkward moment while people try to figure out how to reply to that. No one knows what this is like. I can't even fully explain what it's like. It's just something that no one wants to do, but you do it because you have no other choice.

Even though he's no longer deployed, Chris has no idea what is going on in my life. I have no idea what's going on in his. He knows nothing of my recent work issues, or family drama, what movies I've seen, what books I've read, what I do on a day-to-day basis. I know about the same of his life. He's been extremely busy, especially now that he's a squad leader. We don't get to talk frequently, and when we do, it's usually for a short period of time. Usually by that point, topics of interest in my life have either resolved themselves, or are no longer something I want to re-hash. I'm sure the same applies to him.

I haven't seen his face in ages, even on skype. I haven't gotten to see his smile. It's slightly maddening to the point where you just become numb and get through another day. I crave hearing his goofy laugh in my hear and running my fingers through his hair. This is not even remotely easy.

It's hard to hear my friends, hell, even my own parents, complain about their spouse about the silliest things, when all I can think about it how I'd love to be able to have an opinion about how he loads the dishwasher, or be annoyed at something he did, or whatever. 

I don't exactly know where I'm going with this, I guess I just wanted to get this out of my head. Thanks for listening ;o)