05 May 2008

faith

I went to church for the first time in ages on Easter Sunday with Chris and his family, then I went again to our church last night for a dinner and service honoring all the high school seniors that are about to graduate. Being back in my church made me miss going. I've always liked hearing Pastor Marty's sermons.

The thing is: I don't really have strong "faith." There was a period of about two years in high school where I really tried hard to find God, but never really could. So I just gave up trying. I didn't close myself off, but instead figured that He'd find me when I was ready, like they say. Well, since then my opinions have fluctuated.

I do believe in evolution. I don't believe we were just plunked down on earth, as the bible says. (I think the bible is not meant to be taken literally, anyway but that's a whole other story.) However I don't believe that something as complex and intricately designed as life could simply come about by accident, no matter how many billions of years it's been. There's got to be some kind of intelligent design, whether it be God or aliens or whatever.

When things happen, I do believe they happen for a reason, and possibly they are part of God's plan. You know, on those days I believe in God, or in a higher being of some sort that fits the description. Other days it's harder to logically fathom the notion of a God.

I know it's called "faith" because it's not logical, but I can't help how I think. Sometimes when I'm in church or when I do pray, I feel ridiculous because I'm thinking, "who am I talking to?" What if this whole religion thing is all a bunch of crap and we're all worshipping something that doesn't exist? And then some days I pray and I have a feeling like someone is hearing me. Again with the whole point of calling it "faith." You just gotta believe, which I have a hard time doing.

I mean, my two closest friends are both Catholic and attend mass regularly, and many of my very close friends are religious. I'm surrounded by people who enjoy the church and the things that come with it, and have a relationship with God, but I just have never "found" it. No matter how hard I've looked with nothing happening, and no matter how many times I've said, "I'll just open my heart and let Jesus find me." Well, I'm still waiting.

This is not to say I'm bitter and have decided to give up on religion. I'm just saying that it's made me think. And I'm also saying that I don't think I'm ready to go searching again. I dunno. Just thinking.

2 comments:

  1. I went though a time where I did a lot of searching. Tried many churches and a few religions. For me I have found that being close to nature is my church, it is where I feel closest to spirit. Now I don't search anymore, whatever I need I think I already have and just go within.
    Lovely post~Deborah

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