02 July 2008

amor

I can't sleep because of my food baby so I figured I'd blurt out what I've been thinking about lately.

Been thinking about what I've become because of the things that have happened to me, and what I took away from them. About how my feelings about love and relationships have changed. I'm still figuring out how all this stuff works.

There are two very opposite extremes that somehow are intertwined. I never want to experience them again.
One: I don't want my heart broken again.
And two: I don't want to find myself drowning in a relationship again.

I want to be my own person. I don't want to get so emotionally involved with someone that I feel like a part of me is gone when they leave my life at the end of a relationship. I don't like "missing" someone. To me that is too much dependence.

I hate being sucked in and blinded by romantic bliss. If that happens I feel drained and lethargic and I don't feel like my life belongs to me. There is such a thing as "too close." I've successfully avoided that since I've realized I hate it.

So I feel that especially with this relationship, considering the history, I've been very cautious about what I've let myself feel. And I wonder if it's unconscious sabotage.

I hate shaving my legs for nothing.

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